Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Results? Benign Uterine Fibroid Tumor

So I wrote in this post not long ago that I had something going on and was referred to a OB/GYN again and my concerns with THAT, in this area lol.

However, I was very impressed with the provider, and most importantly, we discovered the root of the issue - I have a fibroid tumor.  No worries, they're benign!

That doesn't mean they're not annoying as hell and can't impair your normal function, because they certainly can.

The cause is not known, but they are largely hereditary and associated with hormonal imbalance.  My grandmother had them, as did my mother - and they can result in hysterectomy, but these days, they often try other things first - although there's not much.

I'm talking about this publicly because I get frustrated with the fact that we have evolved as a society to the point that women can now talk about pregnancy and hormonal issues regarding pregnancy, but for some strange reason, we still can't talk about perimenopause/menopause and it's associated issues - like we're supposed to be embarrassed about our lack of fertility, even though it's a natural process.

And if you're pregnant and need a couple hours off, everyone's fine with that, but if you say, "I need to go home a bit early today; I have a migraine, I've vomited twice, I'm falling asleep at my desk, my uterus hurts like a B, I'm bleeding like a stuck pig, and I feel like bitch-slapping the next person who even mentions Trump's name to me, when I normally don't feel THAT vehement about it (lol) " - that's not considered a "real" medical excuse for anything, even though it's the same hormones cranking just as much, or even more, than when you're pregnant!

Why is that not an excuse?  Because no life will be produced from it?

Seriously - we need to get over looking at everything from a religious standpoint, as well as wrongfully associating Christianity with reproductive issues - even our obsession with reproductive issues as Christians, when Christ was barely concerned with them - Christ's message was much bigger than that :)

(But I digress, I, personally have some pretty wonderful bosses, who know I work my ass off, every day, even 7 days a week, if needed, and that I would come to work if my arms fell off, so when I asked for day off, recently, they knew it must be bad, completely understood, and were completely supportive - but that's not everybody, or even most people.)

Thus, the first thing I want to say is, if you are experiencing heavier than normal bleeding, prolonged bleeding, or pelvic discomfort or pain in between periods, sudden-jump weight gain, particularly in the lower abdomen - don't just chalk this up to perimenopause - it could be something else that needs treatment - because even though fibroids are benign, they can grow if left untreated, and the bleeding can lead to anemia.

My symptoms were daily bleeding for three months, sleep problems, night sweats, low/no energy,  nearly daily migraines, rapid mood changes, nausea/vomiting, sudden rapid weight gain/distended lower abdomen, and pelvic discomfort even between periods. (I sat "discomfort," whereas others might say "pain," but I'm pretty good with physical pain, so I call it "discomfort.":)

Thus, I am going back on hormone therapy/birth control, a different kind (the first kind two years ago caused a couple of spots of cystic acne) - a lower-dose progesterone, in the hopes they can medically shrink it and prevent more.

Having been on them three years ago, and again for 10 days to stop the bleeding until I could see the OB/GYN (reduced appointments due to COVID), I can tell you, based on how I feel when on them versus when I'm not on them - take the birth control/hormone therapy, it feels like a miracle drug - all of the above just magically goes away.

And for anyone who is anti-birth control on religious grounds -  not understanding that birth control is NOT just used to prevent childbirth, but to treat medical conditions like hormonal imbalances, polycystic ovarian disease, and fibroid tumors  - may I just say, based on how I feel at the moment, awaiting my new prescription - a big F*ck You  lol.

I'm sorry, but it's like night and day on them, and based on how I feel at the moment, waiting for the prescription, versus how I feel when I'm on them. 

And that may be my uterus talking.  At the moment, she's screaming, but the good news is, mostly at me :)

(The mood shifts trigger my depression/self-verbal abuse, which I cope with some good CBT, reminding myself that everything is actually now SUPER good in my life, better than ever, and that I am not, in fact, the very devil, and that this too shall pass. That is not to say these aren't normal feelings, just more intense, hormonally-fueled, - so I simply remind myself of that, no matter how loud my uterus gets lol ;)

Like I say, most of it is directed at myself, but I have caught myself snapping a bit at my husband, realizing it immediately after and apologizing.

Like the other night, he was watching "Jarhead 2" or some other military movie, with bombs going off and shooting and it sounded like it was right in my ears. When a migraine is coming on, I'm especially sensitive to light, sound, and smells - all get on my nerves.

I said, "Oh my God, that's so loud, turn that war shit DOWN!"

No stereotypically "please," just a snap demand - which is unusual for either of us -  neither of us normally communicate with each other in that way :(

HOWEVER, I realized immediately that came out and worse than how I meant it, so I said, "OMG, I'm so sorry, I don't know where that came from it just came out of me!  It's not your fault, it's mine, right now, I'm sorry."

Than I hauled my cranky, oversensitive, migraine-aura-ed butt off to the bedroom to read, because it's not anybody else's responsibility to make my environment comfortable - I need to take my irritable ass in the other room and read and let him watch, listen, eat whatever he wants, at whatever level he wants! lol.

To his credit, he didn't want to make things worse, so lowered the Jarhead volume a bit anyway. He also told me he can see in my eyes when I don't feel well, whether I say anything or not, and he knows I'm hurting and it's okay - and that he still thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, with or without a functional uterus. God love him for being such a good liar lol

Now - on that note of hormone therapy/birth control and it's original purpose of preventing childbirth, I have some feelings about this, too, stage in my life.

I guess it's hard for everyone to realize and accept you've reached a certain age - but I have to say that I don't care who you are, or how career-hard woman you think you are, there is something about not being able to have children anymore if you wanted to - that affects you.  Our bodies (not our brains and voices) are biologically pre-disposed and designed for this basic function - and now we just can't anymore.

And even though I intellectually know that my value as a woman is NOT just based on my ability to have children and youthful attractiveness, we've all been socialized to believe that.

So again, for anyone, male or female -  who helped socialize us to believe our only worth as women was reproductivity/attractiveness, when I know Christ valued us for much more (or he wouldn't have given us brains and voices, nor first appeared to women first after his resurrection) - again, I say, "FU."

I know, that's not Christ-like, but I never said I was Christ, just a Christian.

I'll ask for forgiveness later, but at the moment, like I said, my uterus is doing all the talking for me lol.

So, I had a few seconds of tears over it, truth be told - the acceptance that my youth and fertility are gone - but then I do have a hormone imbalance right now, and could likely cry over a Hallmark commercial lol.

And I just have to adjust - and remind myself that my worth as a woman is NOT just based on my fertility - thank you, Jesus  - and I mean that sincerely! :)

Mostly, I'm just glad it's benign and something that can be easily treated - and grateful for a strong sense of humor as a coping skill :)

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