Thursday, November 14, 2019
I just pour out my thoughts, here, in my quiet little corner - sometimes in a stream-of-consciousness, unorganized fashion. I've continued to do so, to practice - despite a persistent harasser (why my comments are closed), despite miscommunications/misunderstandings sometimes occurring, and despite personal information being used and words twisted by those so inclined.
I would often read back later and edit, when I had more time, to correct typos, for clarity, and to try to prevent this happening and so there could be no misunderstanding - and in fact, parked more personal posts in draft so as not to give those so inclined ammunition - which of course led to said persons accusing me of "hiding" things instead.
For those who know me well, you know that I hide nothing - and if I make mistakes, I admit them (and have on this blog, to include issuing apologies).
Regardless, I began blogging in 2005, just to have a voice, in a marriage and family I had no voice in - like a message in a bottle, hoping someone, somewhere in the world that I'd never meet would know exactly what I meant.
At the time, in both my marriage and the family I grew up in, I wasn't a person, deserving of an opinion or feelings - do as we say or else - and I was shut down, labeled, and sometimes worse, when I tried to speak up.
And I halfway believed them myself, at the time, that something was wrong with me that I couldn't just play along with what seemed toxic to me - and that I didn't deserve basic human decency.
HOWEVER, I never spoke publicly about any of that personal stuff going on, back in 2005 - because at that time, that would be asking for trouble and my own abuse - it was only later that I learned to fight back - which did me no good, actually, it often made things worse.
Sometimes I overdid it. I said a lot of pent-up things I'd wanted to say, I let 'er rip. Sometimes that cost me relationships.
But having that said that; in some cases, I'm sorry those relationships were lost, and in other cases, not really - the truth is, I'd wanted to away from the toxicity for a long, long time, but didn't know how.
So I definitely found a voice - even if only I was the only one who heard it lol.
I'm not sure what I've learned - I've never really found that balance of remaining silent and letting people walk all over me and saying "No" or "please don't do that/talk to me that way"or "no, that's not okay" in a way that works out for me.
People want what they want and if you don't give it to them, or stop giving it to them, even if it's not good for them or you, there's often hell to pay.
Regardless, I had previously been told by college teaching staff that I was both a good writer and good communicator, so I began blogging trying to find that girl inside myself again and just write about ... whatever.
There was nothing personal and only occasionally political - mostly just fun stuff, creative writing or observational comedy, at that time - my blog now is a far cry from what my first blog once was - that one originally was very interactive and a lot of fun :)
However, things changed over time - for me personally and in society - in the beginning, there weren't as many malicious games and truly scary and unnecessary competitions over 15 minutes of social media fame - that came later.
Long before Trump and politics became so invasive and toxic, and before social media became a bathroom wall stall of the world and people behaved themselves - it was fun.
However, lately I just feel ... exposed, when I write here, and judged - even from my quiet little corner.
And over the past couple of years, I have come to recognize that whatever writing ability and good communication skills I once had, have been lost - perhaps I've taken on too much damage in my personal life or my teachers were wrong, I don't know. I have lost the ability to creatively write altogether, in fact - I can't write creative fiction anymore at all, it just doesn't come to me - plus it's just not fun anymore.
Regardless, I have made the decision to either mark this blog private and/or abandon it in a week, after anyone that does still read it, sees it.
I'm not hiding anything, and though I made mistakes I've admitted and was embarrassed, I'm not ashamed of anything I'ever ever said, as even mistakes were never made with ill intention, and if you simply didn't like what I said, it probably means it was truth you didn't care to hear.
I'm simply doing either going private and/or abandoning this blog exactly for the reasons stated above.
Thank you to those who read this still, but in fact, I didn't care if anyone ever read it - it was about finding my voice again - but perhaps I shouldn't have lol.
Anyway, I'm leaving this up for about a week so anyone still reading knows why - and my best to you all and much love,
Chrystal Chaplow (Chrysalis)