Ya gotta love migraines - as IF the pain, nausea, vomiting, photosensitivity and phonosensitivity weren't enough, for extra fun, you can't get your fingers to work properly with your already foggy brain, nor get all of your thoughts expressed completely, the way you usually can (so work is half-speed). Plus I drop, spill things, and trip a lot - it's super graceful lol.
The good news is, I only get breakthroughs that bad (and that persistent) just once or twice a year, and that I'm back to about 85% today :)
However, if there are any more typos or incomplete sentences/thoughts, I'll have to catch them later, because as I said below, I'm taking a little mini-break anyway. Hope you get the gist anyway ;)
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Well, it's probably pretty obvious, by now, that I had my own situation this Kobe thing stirred up. And as you can see from the post below regarding Kobe, indisputable evidence doesn't make a difference either.
Don't worry, I'm not going to tell my story now lol. But I'm sure I'm not alone - which is why I'm writing this post. The thing is, it's not just one aspect or just one feeling that situations like this kick up.
All I know is, that was the beginning of the worst time in my life, things just snowballed. Suddenly, anyone that ever had an axe to grind with me chimed in, a couple of people whom I didn't even know they did, until then (maybe they didn't even know they did until then?).
I lost much, things and people as a result - I lost my life as I knew it - and I was never the same.
You heal from most things, but the thing that takes the longest?
At least for me, other than the never feeling fully safe (though that does get better), the most long-lasting effect is the way people you thought you knew/could trust reacted and treated you.
You finally work up the courage to tell a couple of people you think you can trust, after fearing you'll not be believed because of who it is/the circumstance - and then exactly what you feared happens - you're not believed, blamed, shamed, and silenced.
That part, you just never get over.
Something snarky is said or done by somebody and so you jump the gun and get defensive, start quietly documenting interactions, just in case it turns into a "he said/she said," which usually never arrives, that kind of thing.
Although I will say this - predatory and power-abusing people can sense the wounds, like sharks with blood in the water. Though other people may not see it, your vulnerability rings like a dinner bell to people like that, especially if you're new or don't have a huge social-support network (if you weren't isolated before, you may isolate now, it's common and understandable, but try not to). So it's smart to be more guarded than you used to be.
For example, when I commented the other day at the Washington Post (see below copies of adding my name to the public outcry to reinstate Felicia), though I was soooo mild compared to what others were saying (some people were commenting angrily in all caps, lots of exclamation points) - one commenter, for whatever reason, said, "I want to rape you," literally out of nowhere.
I wondered why he chose me, out of everyone, despite other people being a lot more upset, angry, and reactive than I was, typing in all caps, etc.
The old me would've freaked out and made a copy, perhaps reported it, etc., but I didn't - I just didn't let it phase me because that's what he wanted, to freak me out and silence me. Some people, especially online, just want to get a freaked-out reaction, like a junkie needing a fix, and say and do things they don't have the balls to do in real life.
So instead, I just shot back, "Sorry to burst your bubble, but you wouldn't be my first.
He never said another word lol.
What they want is to feel power, to have control over your emotions and your choices, freak you out and silence you - don't let them. Depending on the situation, sometimes ignoring them is best for your own safety - but if you do react, make sure it's not emotionally and don't forget your sense of humor, use humor :)
In fact, even one self-admitted Trumper, who had previously been arguing that the accuser of Kobe was lying, all women who accuse men are and just golddiggers, saying they were right to suspend Felicia - he apparently saw it and replied to him as well, kind of backing me up "Right back at you, creeper!"
That was kind of a cool moment, actually, now that I think about it.
It probably helped that I had been super nice to him (the Trumper, not the creeper) earlier, because in addition to that other noise he was making, I validated the other point he made, about respect for the family's feelings. I said that was very true, sensitivity to the family is important and needed, but here's another perspective - we can be sensitive to the family AND sensitive to rape victims? It's not like it's either/or.
However, it was still an interesting turn of events - opposite sides politically, but he saw first-hand that I literally said and did nothing to provoke that person.
It probably didn't really register and change his mind, but for that brief moment, at least, he saw it - that there was nothing I did other than what hundreds of other people were doing, and I was a lot calmer and more respectful about it - and that sometimes, people do are going to do creepy shit out of their own issues, regardless of what you do, say, wear, or don't do.
My husband freaked out about it more than I did lol.
Regardless, my point is, you don't see the world the same way anymore, people the same way anymore, and the world can sense you're wounded, so be on your guard.
And yet you hold out hope that a different world isn't far away, even possible in your lifetime. You tell yourself that maybe you can use your experience to help others ...
"What was done to me was done for evil, but God, in turn, will use for good, for the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20)
However, I think I finally accepted today that's probably actually not going to happen, at least in my lifetime, and I'm probably not the person to do it lol.
And most people aren't rational - like I said earlier, they're going to believe what they want to believe despite facts, despite evidence, whether it's Trump or Kobe.
And like Mother Theresa said, "Love them anyway."
I will - I just don't feel like it today lol.
I mean, I guess I already knew that to a certain degree - I just skipped the "acceptance" part, the realizing the world was not likely to change during my lifetime part.
I used to liken the feeling previously to Galileo, sitting in the courtroom with the evidence in his hand that the earth moved around the sun, instead of vice versa - but the church and court (before separation of church and state) refused to even look at it - forcing him to recant and testify instead that the sun went around the earth and the world was flat, to please church and state - or they'd not just kill him, but also his colleagues, his family, for heresy.
One by one, he watched them all recant out of fear until he was alone. Some of them just publicly, some of them publicly and privately, pretended they never knew him and had nothing to do it, convinced themselves he was crazy rather than face truth.
And though he held the evidence in his hand, no one was interested, so he signed the recant, as well as admitting to heresy. to spare his family and friends any more trouble.
Legend has it, as soon as he was finished signing it, he looked down at the ground, the earth, let out a sigh, and whispered, "And yet ... it moves."
It took another century or two before people would even look at the evidence - but that didn't change the fact that it was truth.
The difference, of course, is I'm sure Galileo wasn't plagued with self-doubt and all the "shouldda, couldda woulddas."
Regardless, today, I accepted the world is just as irrational as it was in the 17th century, in some ways. It scares people to know truth.
Well, to be honest, what scares me is live in a world where most people don't want to know truth if it means the people they admire aren't who they think they are.
See, the thing is, I learned how to deal with disillusionment a long, long time ago - looking at who the people I loved really were - so not it's very hard for me to become "illusioned" with anyone since lol.
I see the positive and negatives nearly right away in everyone, and accept them like that, giving them the same benefit of the doubt I'd like them to be, focusing on the positives (unless it's negative in a scary way).
My problem is instead that I always held up hope that in the end, truth would prevail.
I guess the last remaining "disillusionment" I had left was was that I still wanted to believe things like, oh, I dunno - most people were interested in truth, and that we had the fairest justice system in the world and in history, where at least most people, even 75%, were blind to gender, race, faith, or even political party when it came to justice. Today, I finally accepted that that's just not going to happen in my lifetime, and world still doesn't exist - it's more like 15% of people at best.
I had a nap this afternoon, not feeling well this week (migraines take a bit to recuperate from, especially when I get one this bad, which is about twice a year).
In it, I was at my grandmother's, on a sunny day, just washing my car with family and neighbors. Family members who are now gone :(
Just washing my car on a sunny day, singing, spraying each other with the hose. I just kept smiling and saying, "I'm so glad you're here, I'm SO glad you're here. OMG, I had the worst dream. It was a horrible dream. I mean, you'd never believe it. Things just snowballed. But it was just a dream" - and I kept hugging those people who are no longer here.
Then I woke up with tears streaming down my face because I realized - THAT was actually the dream.
Don't get me wrong - it's not like my life is a nightmare now, I love my husband, my apartment, my life - but those years that came between that life, and my life now with him, truly were a nightmare.
The good news is, I'll be fine - I just need a little time :)
Clearly, this thing has just touched off some grief of the life I used to know, as well as what I hoped I would become, as well as what the world would become.
I just need a little time to finish feeling this and then let it go - let Go and let God - and readjust to the transition between "lives," if that makes sense, pre and post - and I will.
Thank God, I have the world's best husband now to live it with me :)
Love and my best to whomever's reading.
You can survive. I'm not going to lie, it's not going to be easy, you have to adjust the whole trajectory of your life - but you can.
And your life won't be rosy as your abuser's or rapist's life, either, I guarantee it. And just as we've seen with Kobe, even after death, people still may not believe, you may not ever see justice - but just as with the person that victimized you, you cannot let that event define you.
But also, sometimes God sneezes a blessing your way still (see Stephen Colbert post below), and suffering does make you a better person.
I'm just not sure I'm the best example of that today, at least lol. Just a little time, is all :)
Oh, and just one more thing?
Whether it's sports stars and sexual assault or presidents being impeached, regardless of the outcome ...
Sigh.
"And yet it moves"
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