My "Mom," Marian ...

*** Please be aware that these next few posts were written in grief and anguish, especially this one, which was written the day I found out about the accident and that Marian was not going to survive.  Grief is a process and writing it here was not only helpful to me, but hopefully helpful to others who might feel similarly but do not want to burden others grieving with their own grief.  Thus, I will not delete a word of it, but remember that anything said was during stages of grief and simply expression of the range of emotions that come with grief - confusion, sadness, anger - and nothing more.   ***

________________________

... not my biological mom, but my spiritual mom that I've mentioned many times on here - mother to me when my own mother, her friend, couldn't be - there for me no one else was - was  hit head on by a drunk driver while leaving church, on Sunday night, May 1st - and is in a coma and not expected to make it, and if she does, the doctor said she would be "a vegetable."

I hope God - and I don't know if I believe in one anymore, especially after this - just takes her. rather than her have to live like that.

I also mentioned her when the DNA test came back - she is the one who told my mother about it in September.

(Yes, Geraldine - we DID tell my mom when I said we did.  Sorry you didn't believe that, and I'd say you can can thank Marian for intervening with her on that, but YOU CAN'T BECAUSE SHE'S DYING)

So I just learned an hour ago and am still in shock.  

Only biological family is allowed to see her right now, I can't even say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for me :(

The last time we actually spoke on the phone rather than text was a couple of days before her birthday,  two weeks ago, when I'd sent her some gifts.

At 71. She had just gotten a promotion at the daycare where she worked, now as the director, happy to be using her teaching degree again.

She told me she had some roses just opening up on her piano (she was a classical pianist, too), and she felt like God was showing her that her life was opening up now, just like those roses :(

She felt like God was renewing her life, starting over, a reboot.

God, how I wish he was - but he wasn't :(

I don't understand this - there was no one more faithful to Jesus, more loving, more gentle, more devoted to her family and anyone else who needed her, no matter how busy she was. 

And for all intents and purposes -  She WAS my mother.

In fact, she put me in her phone as "Chrystal, Daughter."

Mark said he was the only other person here in Kentucky that he trusted completely, besides me. 

We've both been crying non-stop for the last hour, but I have a quiet moment now.  I'm just kind of staring at the wall.

God, what the neighbors must think - because when my little sister called me and told me, I literally dropped to my knees and cried out.

Then I just sort of curled up in a ball on the floor and wailed, that effing groaning wail from the pit of your soul that only grief emits, then Mark came and curled around me and we just wept for a while.

But at the same time, it doesn't feel real.  Is this real?  Did this really happen? It feels like a bad dream, like I dreamed it?  Has there been some mistake?

I don't understand this - I can't make sense of it, of anything anymore. 

WHY?!?

God, I hope she knew how much I love her and appreciated her. I tried to show her, but you never know if they really know.  I hope she knew how much everyone loved her.

I'm so mad at God right now, I can't see straight.  

WHY her?  Why NOW?  

And I'm mad at myself, the way our last text conversation went.  I wasn't mad at her, I was in pain over something with my family and I was mad at God . She doesn't know what to do with that, when I get mad at God, because she's so faithful. 

I hope she knew I wasn't angry with her, just with my family and God. 

At least I told her I loved her and appreciated her, in that last text, 

And yet it's not enough.  It's not enough.  

And I will never, ever get to fix it because I can never, ever speak to her again :(

Just goes to show you, always let "I love you" be the last thing you say to someone you love, because you just never know. 

I'm swearing to myself now, in every conversation with everybody I love, I will from this day onward always end the conversation with "I love you," no matter what. Always.

I'm glad those words, and how much I appreciated her, are in that very last text I sent her before the crash - I just wish it hadn't been nestled in a bunch of words of pain about my family, too :(

I will give her a proper tribute in a few days - but not yet - I'm not ready to say goodbye :(

All I can say is, what a gift, what a blessing to the world - and she's gone???

This was cruel to do to her now.  Just so cruel.  

____________________

PS - I hope you feel like shit now, Paul, you son of a bitch.  

You mistreated the best woman in the world, you giant, selfish baby.

Never forget, despite the show you put on, I was there the day you threw a fit about having to write her a check for groceries, throwing the check on the floor under the kitchen table  so she'd have to crawl to get it (but I crawled and got it for her).

Oh, and let's not forget when I lived there during the recession, the night I worked a double-shift, smoked outside on the back porch, and left my lighter there, which I didn't normally do

You never spoke a single word to me, the entire time I lived there, until that day, I guess just waiting for an opportunity for me to do something you didn't like.

Then you said, "I found this lighter on the porch outside, it's irresponsible - no wonder your daughter isn't with you, right now" 

I apologized profusely, but it wasn't enough - so you then tore into Marian for not noticing herself, getting up in her face, until I had to step between you.

And do you remember what I said?

Probably - because your face looked like I punched you lol.

Something like ... 

"Hey - HEY!  Back the FUCK up out of her face -  NOW.  This is MY fault, not Marian's!  I've apologized profusely, but what, that's not enough for you, you have to shame and bully every woman in the room until we're in the fetal position?" 

"If you want to do that, fine, but keep it directed at me, this is MY fault.   Plus I'm used to being bullied and abused over the smallest slight , ESPECIALLY by misogynistic men, I can take it - but I should for forewarn you, THIS woman has just recently finally learned how to FIGHT BACK." 

"As for my daughter, that's none of your business - but I assure you the reason she's not living here with you, too, isn't because I smoke outside and left a lighter outside after a long day's work when stressed out."  

"In fact, if that is my worst sin as a parent or a person, then I'm  actually pretty in good shape. Not so sure about your sins, though.  But that's none of MY business.  So how about let's all stick to our own business - I'll worry about my sins and you worry about yours from now on."

Then I wrote you and Marian both letters, thanking you both for letting me stay there, but saying that I was going to live at a homeless shelter until I had earned enough for a roommate and an apartment, because I didn't want to add any more stress on your relationship or cause any more trouble for Marian, and apologized if I had.

But in your letter, I encouraged you to be good to her - and told you that you had no idea how lucky you had it with Marian, as a wife and as a mother.

I, for one, am glad you finally left her - did you know she was SO much better without you?

But I'll be damned if you cremate her just because you say you "can't afford" a proper burial - my family is even willing to pull together with your kids to contribute - but you won't see a dime of it, you absolute piece of shit of a human being.

You better pray I never see your face again, asshole - because I'm not broke, broken, and powerless anymore.

In fact, I may not attend the funeral, if you're there, because God only knows what Mark and I will do, if we ever see your narcissistic, attention-seeking face, trying to seek comfort for her death, after the way you treated her.  

Why people like you, and that drunk driver who killed her, get to walk away scott-free without a scratch on you, while she's on life support, fighting for her life, I will NEVER understand.