Monday, February 5, 2024

On Mules and Repeat Train Wrecks

Have you ever been in a situation that you can see a train wreck coming, but you can't stop it? 

Perhaps someone you care about is making a risky investment in something, or in someone, like a politician.  Or maybe it's a partner, either business or romantic, like a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Maybe it's even a family member.

You can see the red flags, but you can also see that the person(s) that you care about cannot.  They're smart, but you can see that they're operating in blind faith, either in someone or something, or just because they want to get somewhere too quickly.  

They either can't see these same red flags or don't want to, and thus minimize them and dismiss them? 

And they want you to go along with them and hop on that ride, too.

So you say you can't, you see too many red flags.  You try to point out questionable things, even try to warn them for their own safety, and yet they continue.

You also realize that to push people in denial only makes them angry and you the a-hole in the room. 

So ... what do you do?  

Well, if you're 100% sure that you are seeing things clearly, and they're not - ignoring major red flags - then there are the only things you can do, unless you want to start to try to control them, yourself.

Refuse go along on that ride yourself, turn away from watching the actual wreck (but be silently waiting in the wings to help catch them, if they fall), and worry and/or pray, until such time as they can see these things clearly for themselves, if they ever do.

And maybe you decide to leave a blog post up to state things in your own words for all involved to refer to, now or in the future, when there's he said/she said going onπŸ˜‰

So I initially had a post here, yesterday, written out of frustration, that I realized later gave too many specifics, so I parked it back in draft.

That was prompted by reassurance from the genealogist, who confirmed what I already knew - that she never said, nor even implied, that the new family was after the estate or money.

I never said that, either, BTW.  
What I said was, despite another member of the new family's personal issues, she DID genuinely offer an affidavit swearing to the fact they weren't after personal estates, but that this was later withdrawn, on advice of their hospital-lawsuit attorney.

Point being,  if you're afraid that someone is after your money,  lawyers should be your first suspects   πŸ˜‰

Now, I DID also say (even on this blog) that once people believe there might be a gold mine to be found somewhere, some people are suddenly bitten by the greed bug  - but I was speaking of prior experience in our family (though there was no gold at the end of that rainbow anyway), not necessarily theirs - but it is, unfortunately, human nature, with many people. Lot of cases, literature, and even movies on this very subject, like "Knives Out?"  πŸ˜‚

But not ALL people.

For instance, me - this why I signed myself off of Granny's estate.

It's also why I walked away from the new family, when there was talk of a big lawsuit against the hospital. 

*NOT because I thought they were after Granny's personal estate* 

But because I felt that no amount of money from a lawsuit against a hospital (that doesn't even exist anymore), over a switched-at-birth mistake made 80 years ago, will heal old wounds - and may actually create new ones. 

IMO, it's creating maximum-capacity drama and extra stress unnecessarily from a situation that was already inherently dramatic and stressful enough, especially for two 80-year-old women.

(And also because I felt some new family members - but not all - had no sense of personal boundaries/wouldn't respect them.)

There's healthy caution, boundaries, and legal self-protection - and then there's expensive legal actions taken unnecessarily out of pure paranoia, attempting to justify them by twisting other people's words or making them up entirely. 

IMO, the latter should have been financed out of personal pockets - NOT what little estate money Mom has left to live on!

I'm absolutely astounded that no one even questioned it or tried to stop her from using the the estate money set aside from mom's care to pay for ALL of these actions.  Not one a word, no one even batted an eye, or thought something was off, until I questioned it? 

You could have stopped it, considering one of you has access to her account - but you didn't.  It's especially astounding, since the end result is everyone else having to now pay for mom's care out of private pockets, because there's no estate money left.

But I digress - what's done is done, nothing can be done or said now that will change it.

I am resisting the urge to bang my head against the wall, because you're smart people, but I guess belief trumps logic sometimes, we learned that literally with Trump.

How many times is the family going to continue to make this same mistake -  and it's not just me getting burned, this time -  now, it's you?

This is why Granny's original will, with her old attorney, had all of us equally sharing the estate - so that no one person could take money or action without  the consent of the others.

Her lawyer was shady, yes - but her will itself wasn't. 

Family, you have an opportunity to learn from past mistakes and to do things differently than you did with Granny.

You can question your source, the people your source is quoting, and ask for proof - or you can repeat past mistakes by accepting things told to you as gospel truth without question and catch other people's paranoia disease yourselves - this time, to your own detriment instead of just mine.

It's not looking good - and I love you guys, but I won't enable the same mistakes again, nor stand by helplessly and watch the train wreck again.

Because I, too, believed her actions had the family's best interest at heart - for way too long.

That's not paranoia, that's prior experience, plus seeing those same red flags again lately and the family headed towards making the same mistakes again without learning from them.

Truth be told, I was already struggling with my own ignored trauma body reactions.

I was telling myself things were better now, focusing on the positive and replacing bad memories with good ones; however, my body and subconscious were screaming at me that not much had changed, things still weren't safe - nightmares, vomiting -  louder than ever, especially after a couple of things I'd seen recently - then this news.

By red flags, I mean things like claiming things were said by genealogists, lawyers, and even myself, that were absolutely NOT said, in order to justify actions taken?

Other sudden, strange things said or sudden 180 changes in perspectives, with people trynna act like they didn't just say the opposite, last time. 

I dunno, but what I DO know is that I will not make the same mistake twice, and since the same players are going to continue to  make the same mistakes, having learned nothing from them, all I can do is walk away and keep myself safe, this time around. 

This is why Pap later nicknamed me "Mule" - not because of stubbornness, as I thought. 

He said he once had a mule, who was helping him hoe a row, but he forgot to put blinders on it.  It suddenly sat right down and wouldn't go a step further, braying super loud about it.  

He said he was ashamed to say he cussed and whipped it, trying to get it going forward with him again.

He finally gave up, walked down the row, took his hat off to wipe his brow, looked up to the tree above him.  It was then that he saw what he couldn't previous see, from his prior perspective - that there was a huge hornet's next on the other side of that tree - that's why the mule was sitting down and braying so loud, he was trying to warn him.

He said he nicknamed me mule because that's me.

And in this case, it's not just that I see the hornet's nest, I've actually been stung by it once before, myself - and I'm watching the warning signs again, but not to the people I care about.

Thus, it's hard to watch it - this time, to their detriment, instead of mine.  

Regardless, Pap said I have three choices, if ever in this situation again:  

1) Go on hoeing this row and get stung again. 


2)  Sit down, bray once, and not go a step further, and just let people think I'm crazy, if they can't/don't want to see the hornet's nest yet. 


3)  Sit down, not go a step further, and bray repeatedly and loudly.

He said, "Mule, if you continue to choose #3, with people who can't or don't want to see what you've seen yet, you're going to continue to get your ass whupped." πŸ˜‚

Now, I realize I'm dangerously close to doing #3, so I'll hush braying now. πŸ˜‚

I do hope I'm wrong - but no one can say they weren't warned, if I'm not.

All I can do is pray, because I DO love and care about them all, still - but there's nothing I can do. 

(The only problem is, God doesn't seem to answer my prayers.)

In fact, I feel like shutting up entirely again, here and in my personal life, so I might.  Not sure yet.  

Because again, it feels like people only want to hear my voice if it's exactly what they want me to say πŸ˜“ 

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