Shh, You Didn't See Me Here - I Never Existed ;)

*Important clarification - For the record, I had nothing to do with bringing this genealogist and Rita situation about.  I was contacted by the genealogist that Rita's family hired, the same way you all were - I was just the first to receive the letter and the first to respond. Also, I've never spoken or corresponded with Rita or her family, only the genealogist - because as I said, I felt it was mom's place to first.

The reason I'm getting the DNA test is because the genealogist asked me to - no one else had responded yet - in order to either rule out or confirm their suspicions, because Rita deserves to know, and I also thought connecting she and Mom over Aunt Elizabeth would be a good thing for both.  Believe that or not.

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ORIGINAL POST

 (*Edited - removed redundancies and verbose details lol.  Also, an important direct quote from a family member added)

So I've been thinking about discontinuing writing here for some time, beginning just before my vacation - and I think I'm healed enough, I'm ready :) 

I started writing on Blogger in 2005 (this wasn't my original blog)  to have a voice - because I was literally being bullied/threatened out of everything and everyone in my life  - first by my ex-husband, then my family when my grandmother died. 

At the time, efforts were going on to discredit, gaslight, and silence me by both, as well as expensive gifts or sudden support in interests to anyone left in my life trying not to take sides.

(Addendum added) None of it was done through legal means, of course - but I was too broke and powerless to fight them legally.

Plus I just kept thinking once they calmed down, it would all be okay.

They didn't. And it wasn't.

It was my message in a bottle, my flare - I liked the thought that somebody unknown out there was listening.

I didn't talk about the situation for a long time, just ya know, talked about whatever - just so my voice wouldn't be silenced.  

But then I realized that since I started this blog, I now have people in both my work life, as well as my personal life, to whom my voice matters, I am valued, respected, and I am believed - so I don't think I need this place anymore :)

I wrote quietly in my corner here, for years, even if no one was reading - and though there are a few friends and a couple of members of Mark's family who read here from time to time, mostly, the only people here reading regularly are a few people who I know are only here because they're terrified I might tell my side of the story -   and that God forbid, somebody might actually listen and believe me lol;) 

So though I won't be here on this blog anymore, or any social media actually, rest assured, I AM still here in the world - despite some best attempts otherwise ;)

I'm doing remarkably well, in fact, especially considering what you all put me through - I'm stronger than I believed - clearly, strongly than some of you believed :)

In fact, despite past pain sometimes rearing up, I'm happier than I've ever been :)

I will also continue to practice writing in a private journal, as well as fight for social justice in my private life and community, and of course, continue to vote.

However, I'm not erasing what I've written, parking posts in draft, or marking my blog private - because it's truth, it's my history, and it's helped ground me, as well as to evolve into the person I've become today :)

The one thing I'm learning through this family genealogy situation is that the truth always comes out eventually, no matter how well you lie (even to yourself) or how well you think you've hidden it - even if it's long after we've gone, whether people want to take a look at uncomfortable, inconvenient truths VS what we want to believe or not - but at least we're starting to confront what is true or not, for a change?

However, I also realize that no matter what I do, I will continue to be my family's heretic, their witch, their "demon" - because God forbid, I was telling the truth and they ever had take responsibility for anything, especially things they blamed/projected on to me - things that we both know very well that one of them (or a couple of them) actually did themselves.

As the family scapegoat, I'm blamed for things that don't even make sense, sometimes things I'd have to be supernatural to do lol, when I'm not that powerful and I was especially powerless then.

There's nothing I can say or do to change those beliefs.   In fact, any self-defense, pointing out discrepancies in stories of things that don't add up,  even trying to get people to take a look at verified documented fact only makes it worse and gets flipped back on me as "attack."

However, I do have one last thing to say to address the persistent myth that my great-grandparents raised my daughter, and that is this:

Yes, I lived with my grandparents the majority of the time when my daughter was growing up, while struggling, making minimum wage -  that's not unusual for single moms - but that does NOT mean they "raised" her. 

Because as you all know, I had extreme social anxiety  -  I didn't go anywhere except work - taking her to daycare and paying for it myself  - eventually working from home by the time she was 4.  

I didn't drink or do drugs, and I didn't go on a single date until she was in first grade.  

Other than work, I was there 24/7, she was my world.

So do the people who've filled her head with this nonsense have any explanation for where I supposedly was? :)

Here's an even better question - where were they?

(Despite what they say now, from guilty consciences ;)

I am very grateful to Granny and Pap for letting us stay there and their help, of course -  especially when 8/10 of you wouldn't even wouldn't lift a finger, making all kinds of excuses.

However, the truth is, they were ages 77 and 86, when she was born, so ...

They rarely watched her while I worked - I paid a daycare center in Nicholasville, then worked from home by the time she was 4.

They never, ever changed a single diaper - literally never. (In fact, Granny stayed in the other room, she couldn't stand the smell).   

They never gave her a full bottle after she was 2 months old (most people didn't, they usually asked if they could until she was 2 months).   

They never gave her a single bath (though sometimes Granny would sit in and play with her and her bath toys, while I bathed her, just because it was fun).   

They never bought her clothes (with the exception of paid half for her first dress to her first semi-formal school dance).  

They never stayed up with her when sick, carrying her to the toilet to vomit and staying awake long after she went to sleep to watch over her - in fact, they were afraid to get near her, as they were elderly, which I don't blame them for.   

They never once helped with homework, went to one single teacher conference, class field trip, schools parties, chaperone school dances, or hosted  and watched over a single birthday party or sleepover.   

They never comforted her when her dad didn't show up, because they didn't want to get involved, just like with Dad -  nor when or her heart was broken by her first crush in Florida.   

They were not even in the room for her first word, her first steps, her first tooth pull, caring for her first scraped knee or bee sting. 

 

There's a lot more to raising a child than playing and singing, walks, reading books, and cooking suppers - that's normal grandparent stuff - in fact, even less, mostly because they couldn't, they were elderly.

Then again, since the loudest mouths pushing this "alternative fact" have no children themselves (but imagine they know better how to raise children), of course, they wouldn't know what it takes to raise a child, plus they were barely around to even know who raised her.

But yes, unlike the rest of you, Granny and Pap are the only two people in this world who I can honestly say did help raise her, as much as they could.

The rest of you breezed in occasionally for the fun stuff, until she became a teenager, when she needed less care  - then you  bought her fancy stuff, trips to Paris, etc. - stuff you know I could never afford and couldn't compete with, didn't want to - because fancy gifts and trips, money, and free rein are NOT love.

But now you try to take all the credit, as well as say Granny and Pap raised her, as if I wasn't even there?

"Kill it now, before it's born and grows up to be a loser, just like you, and wants to kill itself - and if you don't, I'll never speak to you again."

Do those words sound familiar, Kim?

They should - your words used to haunt me - until I finally realized, they shouldn't be haunting me - they should be haunting you.

But I didn't, and now you're glad she's in the world (as am I).

Guilty conscience, much? :)

And lucky for me (but your worst nightmare), I didn't suicide, either - I'M. STILL. ALIVE :)

But despite all your ultimatums, your demands for her appreciation and her loyalty -  your guilt trips, your bribes which you call "gifts" that actually come with lifelong obligations -  despite teaching her some of your scary tricks (which she misinterprets as "strength," as opposed to my "weakness") - - she will still  never, ever be your daughter. 

You chose not to have children, remember?

Regardless, there is no one is left alive, who was around much, who could vouch for me - but even when alive, Granny benefitted from people thinking that she provided all the care - Pap even confronted her once on lying to someone about that. 

(Yes, Granny had flaws, just like we all do, and yet I loved her anyway.)

But in the end, my daughter turned out well, didn't she? 

A college degree, good job, hard working, no drugs, rarely drinks, no unwanted pregnancies, an activist for social justice - but I'd rethink crediting any of yourselves for that, since you were barely interested in her until she was a teenager.

But if y'all need to believe otherwise to ease your consciences, then by all means, continue to "erase" me from the family and blame me for all your problems, if it helps you - but I doubt it does or will, in the end.

Though I have every right to be angry, I'm really not anymore (except momentarily, but it passes quickly) - at most, just sorrow and pain after even brief contact, but even that is healing.

But I can't live like that anymore and still function, nor will I continue to be a distraction from your own problems and a measuring stick for  biased dysfunctional-family assessments of your own mental health.

I don't care how many people you convince, who haven't heard both sides or looked at verified documentation, mob rule doesn't make the mob right -  I mean, look at Trumpers lol.

Things like the actual amount of child support I received versus what Zack, and later Kim, said.  It was $424 a month, I still have the last check stub.  The amount was not even enough to cover child care while I worked, but was never raised -  and I never asked for it to be raised -  despite his making over $100K by the time she was a teenager. 

I am slightly encouraged by the fact of this genealogy situation that the truth will come out, even if it's long after I'm gone - but for now, you didn't see me here, I didn't exist  - just a figment of your imagination -  just like you need me to be ;) 

FYI, I used to believe you, you gaslight well.

I guess you learned from the best - Dad - right?;)

Gaslighting does work - unfortunately for you, it's horrible thing to do to anyone, just because you don't want to tell the truth/anyone to find out what you said or did. 

I believed you for the longest time that I was sick, I was a monster and that I didn't deserve any of you - but not anymore :)

However, I'm going to leave a final gift for the family anyway - I've ordered the DNA kit to get my DNA tested, to confirm suspicions about Aunt Elizabeth, Rita and Mom - mostly because Rita deserves to know.

Otherwise, I leave you with the lyrics to "Carolina" by Taylor Swift, from the movie, "Where the Crawdads Sing"  in the video below.

Only unlike Kya, I'm not going to seek vengeance and make honest people of you, you will note that I never have - I'm going to continue to to walk away and let you believe whatever you want, because I can't and shouldn't control what you think or believe. 

Also, I already don't do any other social media and won't be - so though it's been a long time since a hack or impersonation from you know who, they're still around so we can't rule it out - just know it's not me - but hell, you already believe it was me doing it to myself anyway, so never mind lol. 

Lastly and most importantly, when I signed off on all rights to the estate, I meant it - and I never will contest it, you're welcome to it still. 

I love you all, always have, always will, but it's time I disappear completely now, just like you've always wanted me to - and  to give less fodder for gossip and force you to focus on yourselves and your own issues, without blaming me for them.

If any of you change your minds and are willing to meet me halfway, listen to my side of things, listen to possible uncomfortable truths, you can always contact Marian, and she will give you my contact info - but only when you're truly willing to consider the possibility that what you were told to believe about me, or needed to believe about me to justify your actions, may not actually be the truth about me. 

Love,

Chrystal

Oh, Carolina creeks
Running through my veins
Lost I was born, lonesome I came
Lonesome I'll always stay

Carolina knows
Why for years I roam
Free as these birds, light as whispers
Carolina knows

And you didn't see me here
No, they never did see me here
And she's in my dreams
Into the mist, into the clouds
Don't leave

I make a fist, I'll make it count
And there are places I will never ever go
And things that only Carolina will ever know

Carolina stains
On the dress she left
Indelible scars, pivotal marks
Blue as the life she fled

Carolina pines
Won't you cover me?
Hide me like robes down the back road
Muddy these webs we weave

And you didn't see me here
No, they never did see me
And she's in my dreams
Into the mist, into the clouds
Don't leave

I'll make a fist, I'll make it count
And there are places I will never ever go
And things that only Carolina will ever know
Oh
Oh
Oh

And you didn't see me here
They never did see me here
No, you didn't see me here
They never saw me

Oh, Carolina knows
Why for years they've said
That I was guilty as sin
And sleep in a liar's bed

But the sleep comes fast
And I'll leave no ghosts
It's between me, the sand, and the sea
Carolina knows