Sunday, February 2, 2025

My Letter to the NYT Editor


Can't promise it will be published; in fact, likely not.  Years ago, I've had some success with our local paper, even my opinion published on the opinion page in 2015, but I haven't tried since - and this is the NYT. 

Regardless, here's my letter: 

"Though Getting Rid of DEI is Distressing, HR Approaches Towards Complaints Weren't Helpful

"Let's be honest - HR Departments are there to protect the company from lawsuit over DEI, not protect the employee; thus, the more they can dig up to help intimidate the person filing the complaint and cast them as a troublemaker, or out for lawsuit cash, the better for the company - that's why nobody even bothers with HR anymore, they just leave.


So we can have all the DEI programs and policies in the world, make employees watch all of the sensitivity training modules in the world, but until HR companies start protecting people from discrimination and harassment, rather than just the company, nothing will change in our society anyway.


Thanks for reading,   

 

Chrystal Chaplow"


______________________________

PS - Look, folks  ...

The truth is, we can vote against power abusers who scapegoat/blame/target/bully the most powerless people in society for all our problems, we can shake our heads about it, and we can write about it on our blogs and like memes until doomsday, even as HR staff. 

But until we start incorporating it in interview screenings to ensure people are on board with it, until we start living it daily, until we are willing to make sacrifices ourselves as allies -  then we are being complicit with power abusers blaming/bullying/scapegoating the most powerless in our workplaces.

Until we stop  assuming anyone who speaks up about it is a troublemaker or out for money, then nothing will change our society anyway, and in fact, we're complicit in it ourselves.

Similarly, until we have laws that make HR staff screen for it during the interview process to make sure people are on board from the get-go, ,until they have to legally prove they tried to help the discriminated against/harassed employee, rather than discredit them to help the company, nothing will change. 


Women, I'm especially talking to you - sometimes we're actually worse than men about not believing another woman making a complaint - and this is because we are socialized to passive-aggressively compete with each other, rather than lifting each other up. 


In fact, about 15 years ago, during a short group retreat for domestic violence/sexual assault/sexual harassment, I met a woman named Bonnie, who'd been sexually harassed 3 times and came there to find out what she was doing to bring this on herself.

And I believed her -  not just because she was beautiful - blond, big boobs, all of that - but also a single mother who'd left a domestic violence situation, a new employee all 3 times, and had a quieter, meeker personality.  

In fact, at this point, she could barely look anyone in the eye, blamed herself, now wore baggy clothes and no makeup (still beautiful) and had previously considered suicide, if it wasn't for her two sons. Instead, she decided against it and to try this group and therapy to figure out what she was doing to "bring this on herself." 


All of that vulnerability and lack of social support must've rang like a dinner bell to predatory men - and the competitive women they often enlist to help bully their target (just like Fantine in Les Miserables)!


Nietzche's famous quote "That which does not kill you makes you stronger?"

It's complete BULLSHIT. 

It doesn't make you weaker, but it does leave you wounded, in a society like this that makes it tough to heal emotional wounds you can't see. 

Ask combat veterans if they feel emotionally stronger after trauma.

Or ask Bonnie. 

These people will definitely tell you they do NOT feel stronger than before, but they're not weak either, they're wounded -  and they are survivors. 😂


Complicit women often say things like "Well, they never did it to me/I've never seen that" or "I've known them for years, they wouldn't do that" or "No one else complained."


That means they aren't educated in the fact that power abusers only "punch down" - they only target people beneath them on the power scale - those with the least amount of social support (new people, single women, minorities) because they know they can get away with it.

BTW if anyone that you confide in ever says that to you - coworker, manager, or HR? 


Run - they aren't going to help you.


If this is management or HR, especially run.


Because either they didn't pay attention in class - OR - they were promoted based on Peter Principle - meaning they were super good at their lower-tier job, so somebody promoted them to department manager, despite not ever having any actual people-management training or education at all. 


More than that, some people simply cannot fathom their own experience with a person isn't everybody's experience, despite the fact that  of course they wouldn't see it, as a boss or HR -  they're higher on the power scale, and a power-abuser only "punches down." 

Whoever says this to you doesn't want to confront their own cognitive dissonance, so they'd prefer to gaslight you and enable the power-abuser rather than actually check into the complaint, because it's easier than facing even the remote possibility that this sort of thing was going on off their radar.

And the truth is, they don't know if it happened to anybody else, they're basing it on never hearing the complaint before - and that is  because most people don't speak up, they just leave quietly, making some other excuse for leaving or just disappear.


And for other people assuming lightning can't strike 3 times with someone like Bonnie, and saying that since she was the common denominator, it must be her fault, as she did herself?

Oh, yes lightning can strike more than once on a person - especially when it comes to racism, bigotry or sexual harassment.


I've also met people of color and LGBTQ repeatedly harassed and bullied in the workplace, despite being very good at their jobs - in fact, likely better than anyone else, they had to work harder.



As for me, I'm lucky enough to have only been sexually harassed once, as I said, 15 years ago - interestingly, I also had just left an abusive relationship and was pretty traumatized already, brand new employee after moving, knew no one yet. 

I just left, rather than dragging myself through a lengthy process of being discredited with BS, retaliation, the power-abuser trying to enlist others to help bully you, all that (because sexual harassment is really a form of power-abuse/bullying).  

Of course, it did sink me financially during a recession already - but it would've been worse than the sexual harassment itself, to put myself and my daughter through all of that.


But as a result of that group, I have learned how to recognize immediately the warning signs of poor management and how other people in the environment are going to protect the power-abuser, the company and/or themselves, out of self-preservation.

And my advice from that experience is, just leave, rather than filing a complaint, especially in Trump world.

Because nothing is going to change, you'll just been seen as a troublemaker if you do and HR will protect the company, not you.

(However, if it's NOT you making the complaint, support the victims.  Try not to get yourselves too involved and fired over it, but don't jump on the bully bandwagon.)


And here's the thing - yes, we can all go to therapy and group therapy to find out what's wrong with us - how to make ourselves  less of a target, figure out what behavior we're doing to draw this to ourselves, work on ourselves, develop better coping skills,  change the way we dress, behave, communicate, yada yada yada - but honestly, that's still victim-blaming, isn't it? 

What are people of color and LGBTQ supposed to do to "cope better" with racist bigots  - bleach their skin or keep pretending to be straight?  


No - as long as we live in a society where HR sends victims of power abuse in the form of racism, bigotry, sexual harassment and other forms of bullying to EAP, in order to learn to "cope better" (or we send ourselves, after some equally effed-up form of gaslighting) - rather than giving any consequences at all to the power-abusers/bullies, perceived as 'stronger' people  -  then we're NOT really helping anyone, are we? 

 
Now - I'm NOT saying automatically believe anybody - because there really are some troublemakers out for lawsuit money - I'm just saying don't automatically dismiss them as a troublemaker or liar, out for lawsuit money either,


Power abuse and scapegoating of the newest, most powerless, weakest, or most different  members of our society is rampant again - - let's not help power abusers out!





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