If I Had Money, I Would NOT ... 😂

I don't know about you, but I needed a laugh. 

Last night, after I wrote that post, I decided as long as we were living in La-La Land about the Gaza Strip, as long as we were escaping reality, why not look at houses I will never afford in my lifetime? 😂

Speaking of La-La land, I decided to check out LA, just to see how much they were overcharging for what. 

Good Lord,  I couldn't help but notice that the fact that people have money doesn't mean they can can buy good taste.

Don't forget, as I've said before, there are only 2 things I'm snobby about - film and architecture - because if you have that kind of money to make either, don't be just throwing up crap in our faces, assaulting our senses, and expecting us to buy. 

Oh, but they do. 

So I decided to start a new series "If I Had Money, I Would NOT ..."

Los Angeles, Volume I

Bear in mind, I will begin with fairly mild tackiness which gets progressively bizarre, until I end with a home that might need its own on trigger warning  😂

AND they are all legit for sale on Zillow and Realtor.com, right now, at a cost of $10 million to $40 million dollars - what sweet deals! 

So here we go - if I had money and could buy a home in LA, I would NOT ...

Stick a giant plastic pink ice cream cone in the foyer to break the endless monotony of black and white Las Vegas hotel decor. 

I think they're trying to make a statement, but what? 

"Black and white is all the LA rage, right now, and I know this all looks sterile and stern, but we're  actually really fun people - see?"

I guess it could be worse - because here's another similar home without it.

The Spanish staircase at least has a bit of well-designed, dramatic design flare,  I'll give it that, but ...

... but what's that circle in the center for?

Is it for a table with flowers, but you decided you wanted people to feel as intimidated as possible instead of welcome?

Or is it where you make the peasants stand, pull a lever, and drop them to the shark tank for your own amusement?

(And no, actually, it's not because the owners have moved out - the other rooms still have furniture.)

But back to my point, if I had money and lived in LA, I would NOT ... 

Take beautiful, historical 1920s and 1930s historical Hollywood homes and do the following dastardly things to them, such as ... 

Paint my 1936 historical LA Spanish Colonial Revival, once owned by Golden-Age movie moguls, a color somewhere between lavender Pepto-Bismol pink. 

Buy a stunning, original, 1925 LA Spanish Colonial Revival, national historical landmark home like this, but paint it from its original white or eggshel with a terra-cotta-tiled roof, , to a strange sort of mustard yellow, painting the tiles shit brown ... 

... and then pretend it's Asian and Middle Eastern instead ... 

Wow. Just ... wow.  

Holy cultural (mis)appropriation, Batman!

You've somehow simultaneously misunderstood and insulted at  LEAST 4 completely different cultures at once!

That's dang near sacrilege.

Now, I'm all for eclectic, but all of those things not only have  absolutely nothing to do with the Spanish Colonial build of the home, and they don't even go with each other!

Below, same.  I would not buy a tile-roof, 1930 Spanish Colonial villa like this ... and then ... 

... do whatever this is to it ...

(I'm still trying to figure out what those 2 giant, gaudy gold statues even are.)

Similarly, I would not take a beautiful, 1925 LA Tudor Revival Mansion like this ... 

And pretend it's a modern NYC loft?

That little plastic table in the foyer corner as the focal point really sets it off, right? 

Oh dear. 

No, no ... 

Still no ... 

HELL no ... 

Or take a 1929 Classic Beverly Hills Traditional - almost as iconic as the California Bungalow or the Spanish Revivals of LA of that era ...

And pretend it's modern, installing ceiling lights and furniture and art that not only don't go with each other, but actually clash! 

I mean, who chose this, a color-blind person?

I just ... ?

No.

And what did you do with all of those amazing wood built-ins, in their kitchens - replace them with a fast-food restaurant theme?

And I don't even have words for whatever this is ... 

Now, let's go back modern.  I guess.

I would not ... 

Buy an authentic, mid-century modern, classic Beverly Hills movie-star pool home like this ... and then ...

Get rid of all of those great wood built-ins those homes originally came with, paint the remaining wood white, and fill it with Value City Furniture?

To include a new cheap wood bookshelf, which not only doesn't match now, but you already had one built in, which you apparently removed!

If I had money, I would not ...

Bring a bit of the Old South to LA, reminding everyone of slavery,  by building a replica of a Southern plantation!

Build a lovely modern Spanish Colonial Revival home in 2002 like this, and then ...

... stick a giant bright yellow sculpture of a gift bag in my foyer and call it "art!"

(The little wall hutch, specially cut out from the wall to hold an old classic 1950s gas pump totally makes up for it, though, doesn't it?)  🤣

I would not ... 

Paint my shoddily built, lopsided-roofed, wooden house a terra cotta color, pretend it's adobe, and try to charge 15 million for it! 

Similarly, I would not paint my stucco house terra cotta, pretend it's adobe, and stick a large rusting pipe in my yard and call it "art."

Oh, but wait there's more fun inside ...

So let me get this straight - you wanted it to look like Spanish-Native American on the outside, but your foyer hall to look like an Egyptian tomb?

And I don't even know what to say about this room, nor what its purpose is.

What the actual F*@% is that?

Is that an alien Romeo climbing up to a Juliet balcony indoors or ... ?

Never mind, I don't care, I've lost interest.

Back to things I would not, in another home ... 

Buy an otherwise lovely, modern Spanish Colonial beach home, but get wallpaper with giant gold roses and ugly, uncomfortable, cheap purple furniture with white plastic trim, which I was probably overcharged for ...

Maybe it looks better from another angle?

Yeah, no.

I would not ... 

Build a house that screams "cult compound" .... 

And turn what actually are amazing interior-design elements into some sort of mausoleum, with a giant picture of that Grudge girl as the focal point!

It makes a statement, all right -  "I want you to be sad - Zen sad, but still very, very sad."

Similarly, I would not ... 

Build a house that screams either cult compound OR a place someone could manufacture military weaponry ... 

And here it is folks!

The actual room where they either design weapons of mass destruction or perform labotomies as part of their cult rituals? 

Wow, this makes me feel so warm and cozy now!

I would not ...

Build this, for any rational reason.

Build a house that could actually injure me, just trying to enter it ... 

Inviting!

Especially the red demon man chair to lay on by the pool!

I'm not a fan of Le Corbusier anyway, but even he would say "WTF?"

At least his structure and flow made sense and didn't look cheap.

What IS this room, anyway, the torture chamber?

And lastly - trigger alert and the one that takes the cake - The Strip Club/Torture Dungeon house.

I would not ...

Take my perfectly good Malibu Beach home ... 

And apparently let Diddy design it for his freak-offs?

The staircase leading to hell?

Note the actual stripper pole in the room ...

Hey, I know - let's all sit in Hell's lava hot tub, likely filled with everyone in LA's body fluids - fun!

I don't even want to know what goes on in each of those little offside rooms.  

What does the industrial red light mean, that it's a red-light district or that she's been successfully sold to a Russian oligarch?

And I wonder how many women were  Ruphyed and abducted here?

Good Lord, what kind of person would live here except another misogynistic human trafficker, and then pay good money to have a haz-mat team come in and fumigate it!

Like I said, money doesn't always buy good taste - or a conscience?!?