Before I Mark My Blog Private Again: Dear Kim

 

*Edited - this was written essentially stream of consciousness, just to get it all out, so I have removed redundancies.  Forgive me for those, they are a side effect of not being believed originally.  But those of you that have heard this story before, you will note that the details never change, it's the same story every time.  Only liars change their stories ;)

Also, I added a PS that I'm not marking my blog private, as it could appear that I'm hiding something.  

So here will stand my truth, my story having remained unchanged since the time it happened.

And if nothing else, it was super therapeutic for me to write? ;)

_______________________________________

I am marking my blog private again because ridiculous family lawsuits (which I refuse to be a part of) over surprising DNA results continue to persist - and people are now taking unnecessary actions, preparing for a war that likely won't happen -  without ever realizing that in doing so, they can actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy with contagious paranoia and making false accusations, destroying their own families themselves.

However, before I do, I'd like to say the following, mostly to my older sister, Kim ...

As you are discovering for yourself, I have told  the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (which really pisses you off, doesn't it?).

I took a DNA test at my own expense to help an elderly woman whose genealogist contacted me, to help solve her family mystery before her death, because you all refused to answer their letter.

After they opened a lawsuit against the hospital - and kept trying various ways to push past mom's "No" answer for contact -  I became extremely uncomfortable (and one of them literally scared me at Christmas, see the post below) - so  I cut all ties with them by December. 

So the only thing I have to apologize for here is had I known that it would turn into this, I never would have taken that DNA test - and truly, I am so,  SO sorry for what this has turned into. 

(No good deed goes unpunished, I guess, as they say.)

Otherwise, I have absolutely nothing else to apologize for - nothing.

I'm sorry you didn't believe me that I haven't been in contact with the new family since December (though Mom and Ruthie told you repeatedly) -  to the degree that you felt you had to write the genealogist (a total stranger to you, mind you) -  to tell her you were "concerned" that "people in your family were still talking to the new family," actually asking if she knew if anyone was?

We thought at first maybe you meant McKenna, giving you the benefit of the doubt - but I knew you meant me, and Ruthie confirmed that later. 

Gee, I wonder why Sharon - or any sane person - might tell you to ask your own family instead of her, and that she doesn't have time to talk  anymore - it's a mystery, isn't it?

Also, news flash - people tend to not want to talk much when there's a lawsuit in the works?

And the most amazing part is that apparently neither you, nor the family, have any idea of how bizarre, paranoid, and off-putting that was and need to villainize her for not reacting to it in the way you would've liked?

Because as usual, instead of anyone in the family realizing how inappropriate your behavior was - they chided me instead, and villainized Sharon, because we talked about it?

Erm - Sharon had no idea who was still talking to whom for certain - she had to ask?!?

THEN I was accused of "consulting" with Sharon?

Why, because apparently, it's not possible you made an ass of yourself, all by yourself, so Sharon and I therefore must be colluding against  you?

No - and you still have no idea how you create your own self-fulfilling prophecies and enemies out of actions you take out of your paranoia, do you, Kim?

How when nobody was talking about you negatively before - to the new family or each other - they might NOW, after you basically  falsely accused them - which you imagine is an "A-ha, I was right" moment, having reversed the order of events.  

Regardless, sorry to break this to you, Kim, but here's the reality: The only reason Sharon wrote me was to:  (1) Ask my permission to share my DNA results with you (which I agreed to),  and (2), answer your paranoid question about whether or not I was still talking to the new family, because last she heard, I wasn't - so she had to ask me to make sure she'd answered you correctly, that I still wasn't in contact with them.

Other than that, the last email I have to Sharon was about a month ago to let her know about Marian's death, because she knows Marian was the one to actually inform Mom about the switch in early September. Prior to that, we hadn't spoken in literally months.

As for whether Sharon is talking to the new family or not, that's none of our business!

Sharon's actual contract was with them, they were her paying clients - we didn't pay her a dime!

So Sharon does not have to talk to you, Kim - she doesn't have to talk to any of us - her case was officially closed in October.  

In fact, Sharon does not owe anyone shit.

The only reason she did answer you is because she felt sad for the way things have turned out for all of us.

Also, again, probably not wise for her to talk to any of us in either family, now that there's a lawsuit in the works -  but she did anyway. 

Sigh.  I had hoped for better, this time around - from you, as well as  from the family, after that insanity at Granny's death.  I guess that was unrealistic, considering the choke hold you have them in.

Thus, I'm going to take this as a sign that you still consider me a threat to you -  though I never was - and will continue to try to find a way to blame me for everything, which would continually put everyone else in the middle again.

I guess I hoped that after all this time, you would've seen things differently, how wrong you were about me, that maybe you realized you'd made a mistake - but I can see nothing has changed since Granny's death.

Because once you find out that you're wrong with your insinuations and accusations, you either refuse to believe it or you just roll onto the next false accusation, blame me for everything, bully me, and/or stick me with the bill if you can, simply so you don't have to spend your own money so you can finance your expensive lifestyle.

Speaking of that expensive lifestyle, you complain about finances, but exactly how many times have you been to France now in the last 16 years?

Have you become so textbook white-over-privileged that you don't understand that most people cam never make it to France even once in their lifetime - especially when they have an elderly parent to take are of?  

Or that these days, only the top 1% can afford to NOT have to dip into their personal savings to help an elderly parent? 

Or that most people in America would kill to have what apparently is your worst problem? 

Regardless, just like a textbook bully/abuser, you will believe I deserved it until doomsday and do your best to convince everyone else I deserve it, too, even help bully me previously - and the family will continue to protect the abuser and be guilt-tripped into putting your financial and emotional needs ahead of their own.

Mark could not believe that Ruthie watches you whisk off to Paris or God knows where, several times a year, while she's doing all the heavy lifting and all the hand-holding for Mom's for surgeries, etc, and that you have you never given actual physical care, for either Granny OR Mom, because of your "fear of medical stuff.," 

(I could believe it because you did the same with Granny and worse - you never even offered to come down, at least you insincerely did Ruthie.) 

And yet you demand to be appreciated and absolute loyalty, and somehow convince everyone that YOU are doing all the hard work because you handle her finances???

And everyone is supposed to freak out about "poor Kim" having to dip into your own bank account because the estate left to Mom may not be enough, when Ruthie doesn't even make a-one-tenth of what Matthew makes - and she totally buys into it, caring more about how YOU feel and YOUR finances more than her own!! 

(And by the way, NO - Ruthie did NOT say a bad word about you - it's just obvious to everyone on the outside viewing the situation - and yes, that included Marian.)

Not me, I gave enabling you up for lent a long time ago - and may I just add, if it's dishonesty, selfishness, manipulation, thievery, need for control of all communication and over everyone's perception, that you seek - look no further than yourself. 

After therapy helped me see reality instead of seeing what I wanted to see/the family believed, I stopped enabling you.  And the healthier I got, the worse family shit towards me became - especially when I started standing up to you/stopped enabling you. 

But I was never a threat to you - you made me your enemy, out of your own paranoia, projecting your own motivations, behaviors, and mental issues onto me.  In fact, you have no idea who I am and never have, you have never seen me clearly out of your own issues.

I'm sorry you've hated me all my life - I sincerely don't hate you, despite everything. I'm extraordinarily pissed that apparently you're up to your old tricks again, but I don't hate you.

Honestly, I didn't realize how much you hated me, growing up, I wish I had. Everyone else around us who was not in our dysfunctional family - friends, teachers, parents of friends, etc. - tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. 

I just told them they didn't understand you like I did. In fact, I spent the majority of our childhood defending you from other people, more than you will ever know, who found you "intense" and "scary"  and "vindictive."

And we both know it became worse after I was in that movie, then you really hated me -  because you felt you deserved that kind of attention more than me.

And you know what?  You're right, you do.

I hate being the center of attention and never felt I deserved it, and every chance I could, I pulled you into spotlight beside me because I wasn't comfortable with it and I felt you deserved the spotlight more than me - and yet your hatred only grew worse and worse.

Everyone - including even one of my castmates (Ben) - tried to tell me you were spreading rumors and lies about me to get the attention on yourself.  I didn't want to believe them, and at most, I chalked it up to normal sibling rivalry stuff.

Because I thought you were my big sister that had my back - that if I really ever needed you, you'd be there - but you never were.

Then, during the worst time in my life (after the 2004//2005 hurricanes, Jon, and then Granny's cancer diagnosis), you didn't just kick me when down -  you told me that I either was lying or "made my bed and had to lie in it" and that I deserved abuse.  Then you bullied me/stripped me of everything and everyone I loved over Granny's estate.

An estate which I told you I didn't want and signed off on, but that wasn't enough for you - then you threatened me out of the house or you'd call the Sheriff (among other things), out of fear I'd come back later and contest it using "squatter's rights." 

And then you had the audacity to tell everyone, including my daughter (whom I didn't tell why we left until years later) that I "abandoned" Granny and that I threatened YOU to dump my daughter off with her father, when the opposite was true!

I begged you to let me stay, I had nowhere to go, and I  told you that I wouldn't have much choice other than to share half-time with her alcoholic father because I had to find a place to live  - which you told her was a threat rather than a beg.

I had no idea you were actually were my worst enemy until then. I should've known, but I didn't - not because I'm as stupid as you think, but because like the rest of our extremely dysfunctional family, I saw what I wanted to see, forgave despite no apology, made excuses and minimized things that were really quite monstrous - until it was too late.

Though it still hurts and I can get super pissed when I think of what you've done at Granny's death, most of the time, I remember a lot of good, fun times, cool stuff you taught me, and it makes me sad, but I don't hate you - in fact, now, I mostly just pity you - just not for the reasons that you think.  How exhausting all of this scheming and lying and paranoia must be. 


You know, victims of bullies can make two choices later: They can ensure that they never bully and hurt anyone else, as well as stand up for the bullied - or they can pity themselves to the degree that they become bitter bullies themselves to make themselves feel superior and don't even realize it or justify it.

I took the first road - you took the latter.

You're not a victim anymore, Kim - you are the bully, now.

In fact, you've become the worst kind of bully - the kind that bullies others, but actually believes she's the victim or justifies their bullying especially when they tell you no, stand up to you, or fight back, and to make yourself feel superior out of your own insecurity.




Regardless, I walked away from it all and didn't try to fight you - Granny was too sick and it would be selfish to put anyone else in the middle of us as to who to believe. I couldn't have afforded an attorney even if I had wanted to, but I didn't want to.  I kept thinking you'd calm down, and if nothing else, the truth would come out in time.

And note that I never came back to contest the estate, like you thought I would - I told you I didn't want it and I meant it - too many bad memories on that farm. I only wanted to care for Granny as she'd cared for me, be there when she closed her eyes. 

However, the dysfunctional family belief is so ingrained that as much as I had hoped for a happy ending for us all together again in forgiveness - I can see you will never, ever let that happen - you must make me the villain and family threat - I must be erased from the family and  you can't stand it if I'm in contact with them. 

And do you know why just the immediate family continues to believe your lies and refuses to look at any actual evidence otherwise?

Much the same reason as to why Trump voters don't dump Trump, or any severely dysfunctional group refuses to see truth and follows leaders without question - because the alternative is too scary.

The idea that what they went along with/believed wasn't true wasn't justified is too scary, too manyfeelings of guilt-by-association for the psyche to process at one time, so it's easier to stay willfully in denial.

But not to worry, you'll be pleased to know that I just bowed out of the family again, to take pressure of those in the middle and let you have control of their perception again.  

I have been super sad about that for the last few days, because I have never been happier to see Mom doing so well on better medication, and I've missed her and Ruthie so much, and at least from my perspective, I felt a lot of healing.

But I will take those recent positive memories with me, knowing that just like last time, by the time you're done twisting and talking, they will believe you that everything I said and did had some dastardly motivation and they'll forget entirely that I helped Ruthie  during mom's surgeries.  Regardless, I choose to take the good and leave the rest.



But other than bowing out to keep those in the middle from having to choose between us what to believe again -  as well as protect myself from further blame if I'm nowhere around -  know this ...

The similarities between 2007 and now end there - because I'm no longer alone, broke, broken, and powerless anymore.

Most importantly, I no longer believe your gaslighting about myself.

So should you come looking for a war with me again, you'll definitely get one.

So I will continue to walk away  - *UNLESS* - you go back to your old tricks and try in anyway blame me, accuse me, bully/intimidate through legally or through other family members, or try make me financially responsible for either this DNA situation OR Granny's estate (that you bullied/threatened me out of).

This time, should you choose to give a repeat performance of 2007 - I will fight back - and I will show you as much mercy as you showed me.

Also note that I will still always help Mom, McKenna, and Ruthie if they ever need it - always.

But never you, Kim - never you - I'm sorry.

You have no one to blame but yourself - this is the consequence of your actions - none of which you have ever shown the slightest bit of remorse for doing whatsoever, and in fact, continue to justify.

Karma's a bitch, Kim - an even bigger bitch than you.

However, I had nothing to do with facilitating this other than taking a DNA test to help a woman solve her own family mystery.

If nothing else, let this be a lesson to all of us - no matter how well hidden the truth is, intentionally or otherwise, the truth always comes out eventually, sometimes even after we're gone - always.

_________________________

PS - I have decided not to go private because it might look like I am hiding something, when I'm not - but I won't post anything else until the their lawsuit with the hospital (and/or each other) is either dropped or over. 

Because everything I have said here - including in the post below - is 100% truth and I would stand by it in a court of law - and I can prove it (though no one has ever asked to see it, people need to believe otherwise, I guess).

As for the rest of the family, I'd be very careful about what to believe, this time around - because what if you are/have been wrong?

Regardless, though I love you all, I've given up hope for a reunited family as of this weekend - maybe some day, my family, who are otherwise highly intelligent - will stop seeing what they want to see in this family and stop enabling some truly monstrous behavior.

If I can do it, anyone can - but it takes bravery, willingness to risk loss to avoid or stop enabling the toxicity, and years of therapy :)

"Oh, Father" - Madonna

It's funny that way, you can get used
To the tears and the pain
What a child will believe
You never loved me

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you, I never thought I would
You can't make me cry, you once had the power
I never felt so good about myself :)