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Sunday, May 26, 2019

Our New House-Hunting Game Called "Why Would You Do That?"

House-hunting elsewhere today, and though we couldn't afford these anyway (beautiful exterior, not-so-much interior), still, there are only 2 things I'm snobby about, film and architecture/interior design.  Because I feel like if you have enough money for either, do it right, don't just be throwing crap all up in our faces, assaulting our senses, irrespective of the exterior design and the surrounding environment, just because you can lol.

(Okay, tack on I'm also snobby about true snobs, racists, and bigots.)

So, I'm sitting here with my husband, looking at homes - some way out of our price range, just to look - and we invented a new game.  It's super fun, you should try it.  It's called, "Why Would You Do That?"

Many look decent on the outside - they give nod to the design masters in some way, very respectful of the landscape and environment.

But then you walk in and .... What.The.What?

You have no idea what is even going on lol.

I mean, I don't need to be confused in my own home, I'm already confused enough outside of my home lol.

Here are some examples - wealthy people who are penny wise, but pound foolish - lovely and respectable on the outside, all kinda crazy going on, on the inside :)


Now, this home is fairly new, built with a nod to Frank Lloyd Wright - fairly nice on the outside, right?





And THEN you walk in ...





"Oh, hey, Hi! Here's a wall!"

I mean, why would would you do that?

Why not put the fireplace on the back wall of the living room, instead of the middle? Because you wanted it to encroach into the foyer and partially cover one of the front windows? lol

And look at the way the (cheap) tile zig-zags around it in the living room?

FLW would roll in his grave, as he was all about function and flow and natural light lol.

And you have plenty of money to buy a spacious home and land -  but thought to yourself, "Hey, I'm gonna buy the cheapest fan light and fixtures I could find at Home Depot, then stick hotel-room art on the walls?

And you can't figure out why it's selling for $900,000 compared to the homes around it for $1.2 million, hm, it's a mystery ;)

Penny wise and pound foolish, I tell you.

(No, we are nowhere near this price-range, but I just find it curious the choices wealthy people make sometimes.)


And here's the actual view as you walk in the front door ...





Nothing says "Welcome to my home" like staircases leading to nowhere, as if you're in the Winchester Mystery House?






Me: "Hi, come on in the kitchen, I'm pouring us some tea." 

Guest: "Okay, be right there ... as ... soon as I figure out which staircase to use.  Oh, THERE'S your kitchen, strangely tucked away under staircase landing ... curiously on the other side of the house from your dining room and living room ... because THAT makes total sense."




Me: "Oh, and here's our library den. The house cost a million, but we saved money on built-ins by using circa 1970s wood-paneling and cheap cabinetry from Walmart. I miss the 70s, don't you?"



(No, actually. Just ... no ... to any of it, thanks.)

The decisions wealthy people often make confuse me.

I mean, you have the money  - why not invest in things that cause the value of your home to increase, not depreciate?

Some of these things could be changed, but some can't (like that entryway with fireplace wall), for any amount of money.

Because gutting it completely would cost a few more hundred thousand, or worse, you'd have to just deal with it because it's a load-bearing wall.

Now, here was an unusual find for this area - colonial/shaker style.  There are many here in Kentucky, but few in the region we're looking.

It's fairly decent, right?



And again ... then you walk in.




Wah, wah, wah ... total letdown. 

Okay, now ...  I already knew it wasn't going to be like this Shaker/Colonial foyer ...




Or this traditional colonial ...




I expected more of this, which would've even been okay ...




But WTH is this???




Again, nothing says "Welcome" like a tiny foyer with bars in your face, and you have no idea where to go from there.  Welcome to prison!

Oh, and let's put the dining room and kitchen in the back corner of the home, with one window, and put cheap wallpaper above the wainscotting!

Because God knows, both the Shakers and Colonists were all about 80s combination of powder blue and mauve???





Oh, but wait, here's the best part ... now, here's an kitchen award winner!



Surprise!

Is that a wet bar across from the kitchen?

Oh wait, I think I know what occurred in here.

The wet bar is nearly the same size as your kitchen.

So clearly, the bar is equally as important to you as your food.

So, what happened is, you knocked back every bottle in your wet-bar cabinet before you chose, and then actually installed, these mismatched, cheap, uneven Walmart cabinets, didn't you?





And you want $700,000 for this home -  despite the fact that it has a kitchen that is roughly the size of a broom closet and looks like someone pulled it straight out of a trailer park?

If not, otherwise - and againwhy would you do that?

Again, people with money confuse me with their odd choices.

Here's a mid-century modern/post-modern for a mere $1.3 million ...



Okay, zen-like entrance, but show me more  ...




I like the windows, but I can already see they need a new decorator -  but that's nothing that can't be changed inexpensively.   I think.  Let's go inside ...




Holy Mother of God, what happened in here???
Did the Las Vegas Mafia break in, gut the home, and redecorate this room?

I mean, what IS this room?

Whatever it is, it would take at least another $100K to even make sense.

The shiny furniture, tiles, and animal print stuff could be trashed, but this room was clearly gutted and redone, and now it makes zero sense. 

It's clearly not the living room in the back because, HERE is the living room.




I am weeping at this point.

Not with the interior structure design itself, that's okay - not great, but okay, still somewhat consistent with mid-cen mod/post-modern.

But the track lighting and the cheap floral decor that doesn't match the carpet???

Did Value City come a'callin'?

Oh, thank God,  they at least had better taste in the kitchen - shiny actually works in the kitchen, and good choice on the cabinetry - this stays pretty close to mid-cen modern/post-modern design.





But then turn a corner ... AND we're back ...



... to mish-mashed nonsense again.

Why, oh why, WHY did you do that?" lol

These are way out of my price range anyway, but I swear, I almost don't want to look anymore, so as not to be horrified.

Okay, here's probably the least horrible of the "why did you do thats."

A Dutch Colonial - beautiful right?


And then you walk in.

Well, at least they kept the interior structure intact (mostly).

Oh, look it's the Pottery Barn House!



And it's not that it's horrible, or even bad - it's just every single piece in this home was literally bought at Pottery Barn. 

(You think I'm kidding. Check their catalog.)












I'm not sure why, but the fact that everything in their home is from Pottery Barn kinda scares me.

I mean, is this the Robo Family house?


And I take that back on the at least keeping the original interior structure - pretty sure they messed with the original structure of the kitchen.

Dang  you, Robo Family!




Again - "Why did you do that?"

Now, I would never make fun of people who can't afford nice stuff (God knows I can't), or older people.  

I'm talking about people with money who waste it with odd, disrespectful-to-the-style/environment choices.
I initially thought this Midwestern Craftsman/California Bungalow in a declining neighborhood was a case of couldn't help it ...



I thought, "Aw, they're probably old and don't have much money."

Then I noticed the homeowners clearly had enough money for window treatments, expensive track lighting and giant metal clocks, and to pack it full of unnecessary... crap.






Now I'm going to feel really bad if they're an aging hoarder.

But still, at some point, someone had enough money to spend on floral balloon valances in the dining room, which aren't cheap (though they look it) - but they are an unforgivable sin in a bungalow ;)

Again, why did you do that?

Especially those floral balloon valances *shudders*

All right, let's take a look at some who did things right, then, shall we?
Here -  HERE is how you modernize, and properly treat, even a smaller Midwest Craftsman/California Bungalow, if you're not wealthy and don't live in the best neighborhood, but still have enough money to own and care for one ...

First rule, you keep the original exterior colors (brown, jade green, cream/off white, terra cotta).




The decor is a bit sparse in this home, but again, we're talking about owning one and respecting it on a budget - and still, they kept the existing structure completely intact ...


Which is the second and most important rule -  never, ever touch the windows, the wood, or the built-sins, nor disrupt the flow of rooms with unnecessary walls - ever.  (No, really, ever.)

Because  those were key elements of the original Craftsmen brilliance - they maximized both use of small space and natural light.

Here's another "well done" example, if you're not wealthy, but have at least enough to afford to own even a small bungalow  -  and this time, they warmed it up a bit with some more cheerful decor  ...








Furniture wood is a bit light, but again, if you're on a budget - and at least it's Stickley/Arts and Crafts style.  (Even a small, authentic Gustav Stickley chair, in good condition, would cost you upwards of $5K to $10K.)



I don't have any more time today to show you better examples of the first houses in this post, and you can Google - but do you get the "Why did you do that?" game?

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