You'd Think At 57, I Would've Learned My Lesson By Now

 

One of the few positive things my mom has said about me is that though I was super shy and afraid to speak up for myself as a child, I did not hesitate when it's other people suffering - I have always gone to bat for the underdog in situations, most often to my own detriment.

As an adult, in therapy, I learned better how to speak up for myself sometimes and when not to rock the boat - which I try not to do unless the issue is bigger than just me and affects many. It's a tough balance that many women struggle with.

There's a problem, though - usually, once you speak up on behalf of someone else, even with sugar on top -  if the powers that be don't like it, then the people you're speaking on behalf of often act like they don't know what you're talking about 😂

Before I get to the current situation, allow me to tell you my first experience with this as a child, which should've taught me all I needed to know - but apparently didn't.

Now, this childhood situation was an actual bullying situation, but this current situation is NOT, not even close to it - but there's a common thread in my behavior. regarding speaking up about anything at all.

So when I was 13, I went to my best friend's slumber party. 

So ... one of the girls invited was overweight, and 3 of the girls started bullying her about it.

Can I just tell you that there is almost nothing more monstrous socially than a pack of 13-year-old girls, especially overprivileged ones? 😂

(Unfortunately, some women never grow out of that mentality, but many do.)

Because when I say bullying, I don't mean just verbally.

I mean, these girls literally grabbed the bag of Cheetos out of her hand, chewed them up and spit them on her!!!

At that point, I grabbed the bag of Cheetos out of the main bully's hand and said "What is WRONG with you? Are you humans or a bunch of chimpanzees? You don't chew up and spit out food on people, that's disgusting! There's nothing wrong with ___, but there IS something VERY wrong with YOU"

Guess what happened?

Of course I became the new target.

And unfortunately, the main bully and I used to be friends in elementary school - so she knew a lot about my family others didn't.

She started going on about my Dad's abuse and my mom being crazy, saying I was so skinny because my mom starved me (which was NOT true) - and that I was going to grow up to be just like her, acting like I just did.

I was so shell-shocked and unprepared for that I said nothing.

I mean, they literally circled around me, and my best friend and other friends didn't know what to do, they just sat silent. 

I mouthed at my best friend, the hostess of the party, and said "Um ... do something?"

She just shrugged her shoulders. She later said she didn't know what to do, she was shocked too.

And the worst thing?

The overweight girl they initially bullied, chewing up the cheetos and spitting them out on her?

She joined in with the bullies I just defended/protected her from - so happy the heat was off her. 

Later on, I started speaking up to my family about some of this severe dysfunction - and that went over about as well. Dysfunctional groups don't like to face truth, question themselves, or even take a look, just keep the status quo they're comfortable in, though it doesn't work for anybody, really.

So I just stopped speaking up on anything at all, for like - years. 

I started to believe them when they said I was crazy for not seeing things the way they do.

I already had trouble speaking up for myself, but even on behalf of others, I stopped, because it never went over well and I started to doubt my own perception, at that point.

Even after therapy, learning better communication techniques with sugar on top - nope.

My now-retired therapist said "If you have used better communication, and they just don't like what you're saying or don't want to hear uncomfortable truths, that's on them, not you. But yeah, if you can't handle the backlash, then best not to - just walk away. Either way, it doesn't mean you're crazy or your perception is off. Maybe it's TOO good - because gaslighting is the calling card of the guilty

So I started again, experimenting with speaking up and when, trying to find that balance.

At first, I did the same thing I did as a child with bullying situations - once online (which affected my real life and followed me around for years) -  and then in 2 jobs, standing up for others being bullied.

The same pattern repeated itself - I stood up for others, became the target, and the people I stood up for acted like they didn't know what the heck I was talking about, and hopped on with the people bullying them, so happy the heat was off them.

So I learned to approach the victim, rather than take on the bullies - but it didn't make much difference.

I also started to speak up for myself more - a sexual harassment situation, and and recently, instead of becoming a bully's target because I stood up for the victim, it was me from the start - someone who was worried I was doing well on work scores, becoming friends with the manager, and that I'd somehow get ahead of her, though there was no place to go.

Neither of those worked out well either. 

(Well, not entirely true - the sexual-harassment boss did it again to another new girl  after I left, and they already had my written complaint on file that I wrote when I left, so it helped get him fired/walked off by security, so there's that?)

People who have more power or have been there longer than you will win over truth every time, because their experience with that person isn't yours and they imagine their experience is everybody's experience, though it isn't.

Also, the best liars win over truth.

Fast forward to school.

No bullying, everyone is very kind to each other and encouraging - it's GREAT as far as that.

However, as I mentioned previously, we were expected to take a core competency professional exam with the NCRA this past week, though we had no class time on it. We were just given an over 100-age manual to self-study.

We were all very concerned about this, so I wrote the assistant program director about it, which I posted about previously, who clarified it wasn't on the whole manual - just the parts pertaining to cancer registry.

I thought, "Okay, we're good then."

Just in case, I read the whole manual. I didn't STUDY study it, but I read it at least.

We have 2 chances to take it, but there must be a 5-day reset between them, and since it opened Monday and the last day of class if Saturday, you had to take it on the first day in order to have a reset if you didn't pass.

So we go to take the exam at the professional association site - and it will not let us take it until we put in information about the details on where and when we completed our practicum.

*Record scratch*

Um ... we haven't had a practicum yet. In fact, we've had no class time on it.

So everyone is freaking out in chat, so I write to both assigned professors to let them know the situation and ask what to do.

The assigned professors don't know either and asked leadership, as they don't design the class or write the instructions, they just teach it. 

We waited hours for an answer, though as I said, we had to take the first attempt that day. 

We finally got the answer to just put in "I have not taken a practicum yet."

It then unlocked the exam - and we should've taken that practicum requirement as a red flag.

Because contrary to what the assistant director said, the exam WAS on the whole manual, it was very comprehensive and specific, including the parts that didn't pertain to cancer registry.

I passed with an 84% - the second highest grade - but only because myself and the other person read the manual and took notes/created studied guides for it.

Others who didn't real the whole manual first were not as lucky.

To top things off, the instructions in our class module versus the instructions on how our core competency module at the college contradicted each other. 

One set of instructions said to submit a screenshot of your score to the professor, but only if you pass.

The other set said to submit the site-generated PDF AND the certificate of completion from the main NCRA page, whether you pass or not.

Nobody knew which one to do.

I again asked both assigned professors what they would prefer.

One said screenshot whether you pass or not.

The other said site-generated PDF.

Not their fault - the instructions weren't clear for them either - because again, they don't design the course or write the instructions, they just teach it.

At this point, I am very scared. 

Because the whole point of these classes is to pass these exams, culminating in the certification exam. 

In our group chat, people were PISSED, talking about dropping.

Rather than pissed, I was more frustrated - and scared.

It's great that I'm getting straight A's - but if we're not being taught what we need to know for them with classtime work, what is the point of spending this much money?

Several others in chat voiced exactly that on their own, though I was thinking the exact same thing.

So I wrote the program director and assistant program director and told them what happened and told them I was scared, and that though they are all great, they really are - and I appreciate helping me make up the remaining tuition that OBBBA took away, I was now scared - scared to invest money, earned, borrowed, or gifted if I don't feel prepared for the actual exams.

The assistant program director replied and explained the reason for the practicum block on the exam is that we actually ARE supposed to have a practicum first before we take it - but the school had just  decided in the Spring to move the exam from the very last requirement after we'd done our practicum in our last semester to early, because students had said it was too much to do both.

I'm thinking "So you moved it to our second class in the subject, though we haven't done any coding or abstracting yet and had no class time on the manual, and we're guinea pigs for that recent change?"

But I didn't.

I just said that I was scared because I didn't feel prepared and maybe it's just because I'm a straight A student and I like to be prepared, but that I wasn't alone.

She said nobody else had said anything.

I said, "Well, sometimes people don't speak up for fear of rocking the boat, but without naming names, some people are talking about dropping. TBH, I myself am reconsidering continuing because that exam scared me. I know i can do it, but it would be helpful to have classtime on it. Sometimes people drop out of things without telling you why or giving the real reason, but I figured you'd rather know than not know and guess lol" etc. 

I told the chat. I said the assistant director said nobody else had said anything to her, and I wasn't asking them to, but if they are asked, to please be honest about it and what they've said there.

*Crickets*

So now I feel stupid and embarrassed and am doubting myself again, I wish I hadn't said anything, because as usual, everyone is backing down like they didn't say that or feel that way, and I just look like a lone troublemaker. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just crazy.

I did so on behalf of not only myself, but what others were expressing in the chat, but I sense that as usual, I'm going to be on that limb by myself. 

Maybe other people can, but I'm not one of those people, clearly.

Damn me, for being me.

Bottom line is, though I'm a straight A student, I'm an idiot that never learns this lesson. 🙁

___________________

PS - Remembering now what my current therapist, whom I haven't been able to afford to see in a while, said to me at our last session.

She said she strongly suspected neurodivergence/being on the spectrum with me, though high-functioning.

I actually asked a therapist about that once, probably 30 years ago, but at the time, she said "No, only boys have that."

But as my current therapist (I can't afford right now) said "Um ... only boys were studied on that back then - but studies NOW, have shown both males AND females are."

I could run down the list of boxes I check off for neurodivergence/spectrum disorders - but the one most pertinent now is a strong sense of justice, some might say exaggerated - injustice and social injustice, bothers us more than most people - and that we almost can't help ourselves, it's the way our "neurodivergent" brains work. 

There's way to learn how to cope with it better and express it better, but not to be ashamed of empathy and how seriously we take social justice.

She likes to call it "neurospicy" 😂

She said if I've spoken up calmly and politely and I had written evidence of what people said, then not to doubt my own perception or feel embarrassed or ashamed - because the world needs people like us, now more than ever.

Super nice of her 🥲