PS - Women and The Fear of Speaking Up ...

 

It helps to feel less damaged to know that I have 2 friends currently struggling with when and how to speak up, but theirs are family and/or work.

Family is actually the hardest, right?

Speaking up is never harder to do than with your own family.

I think women fear speaking up more than men, because we don't want to be labeled a Karen or a troublemaker or "creating drama," and because there's always that misogynistic "She's crazy, don't listen to her" card that will be played by the guilty, nowadays by other women as well as men! 

It could be anything from feeling overwhelmed with sole caretaking  of a family member and being afraid to ask for help (or hearing crickets when you do), to affairs or family theft, all the way up to addictions and/or physical or sexual abuse, and yet women toil over "keeping the peace" VS. speaking up. 

Though my friends don't have to deal with the gaslighting card played in MY family (from people we have since learned have certified severe mental illnesses they tried to hide/run from treatment for, for years, mind you) - what they DO also get are the "Forgiveness" bible verses sent to guilt trip them, particularly if trying to distance themselves from family toxicity.

Or the "Let it go"  or the "Family is everything" card gets played, or  maybe even the "you're abandoning us" card.

Or the "creating drama" piece if you speak up - though there'd be nothing to speak up about and react TO, had they not done the dramatic thing they did in the first place!

So for starters, their definition of "forgiveness" is faulty. To them, forgiveness means look the other way/pretend it didn't happen. 

Yes, Jesus said to forgive 70 x 7 - he did NOT say to look the other way and pretend it didn't happen OR keep putting yourself in harm's way if there's been no insight or remorse.

That's actually the definition of enabling without consequence, so you'll be forgiving a lot more than 70 x 7!

Forgiveness is really about freeing yourself from pain and avoiding bitterness and it can be done privately, the other person doesn't even need to know - because forgiveness is the only known vaccine against catching the same (pain-caused?) selfish disease that the person likely suffers from who hurt you, which is highly contagious..

Because unless you're dealing with a true sociopath/narcissist or psychopath, 99% of the time, it's hurt people that hurt other people.

They know what they're doing is wrong, but they justify it, because they feel they are owed in some way.

It may not even be personal, they just can't see past their own pain, mistreatment or feeling the world is unfair anymore, so their own needs become central - never realizing that in doing so, they just crossed the threshold of being exactly like the people who hurt them.

The feeling of anger itself is not a sin and is natural - but if left unchecked too long, it can become poison and lead to thirst for revenge, which IS a sin and insatiable - not seeking justice, seeking revenge - and there's a difference.

So don't buy the guilt trips - because you're not distancing out of anger, you're distancing to keep yourself safe from further harm from people who have gained no insight or remorse for their actions and have zero awareness of the overall toxic group dynamic, nor their participation in it - and it's not your job to teach them. 

 (In fact, if they're in denial, it'll just make them mad, so you might as well talk to a brick wall, because at least the wall won't get mad).

They made a choice to do what they did for selfish reasons, without considering how either you, or even the rest of the family, felt. 

What they want is to have no consequences (again), and for you to feel all the guilt they can't or won't. 

They may even try to blame you for their choices, in a sort of "Look what you made me do" BS justification.

I call it the "Here, hold my bag of shit" attempt.

"No, thank you, this isn't mine - I have enough of my own shit to hold. This one is yours." 😊

Be prepared for your refusal to cave in and/or take on all blame to be flipped back on you as YOU being the one who is not taking responsibility or refusing to feel guilt.

Let them and laugh. 😂

Because this is more projection onto you of their own behavior,  coming from members of a dysfunctional, maybe even sick/toxic group system - who either haven't been to therapy/treated at all, or if they  did, weren't treated properly or long enough - and by a therapist that confronts them, not just pats them on the back. 

On the other hand, YOU, my friends, like me, DID question yourself and go check. 

In fact, you were the first people in your families brave enough to ever even question yourself, enter into and stay in therapy and not run the first time you're confronted on your shit - something the rest of your family can't/won't do.

In fact, that's likely part of their problem with you -  as the first one in actual therapy/treatment, you started refusing play the same family games the same way anymore, as you became healthier -  and that does not go over well, if they're not where you are yet, if ever. 

It's a shame that actually the sickest people in the world are actually the ones who either never question themselves or enter a therapist's office -  or if they do, run the first time a therapist confronts them instead of pats them on the back - so it's mostly the rest of us, their victims, who enter into and stay in therapy, initially blaming ourselves TOO much, then learning everything we can to feel better and be better people, right?

Now, of course, you DO have the choice to do as they ask, pretend along stuff didn't happen - but that leaves only YOU with all the consequences while they experience none.

As if that person's feelings matter more than yours or anyone else's, when if they hadn't done what they did -  that they won't admit to or acknowledge - there'd be nothing to forgive in the first place!

And if the "forgiveness'" texts come from in-betweener family or mutual friends trying to peace-make?

Take it as a compliment - because it means they know you're the most reasonable one and the most likely one to forgive, and they also know you CAN feel guilt, when the other person either can't or won't. 

At least you get that much acknowledgement, and weren't gaslighted over it, acting like it never happened, right?

So yes, forgive them, because it frees you from the pain, anger and bitterness - but don't put yourself in harm's way again if there's no insight or remorse. 

They chose themselves without remorse or even a moment's toil over how you or anyone else in the family might feel, right?

So now YOU make a choice for yourself - because they're certainly not going to.

Choose yourself over the toxicity they continue to engage in without insight or remorse  - and unlike them, you HAVE toiled over this choice.

And if you're in the family scapegoat role, which happens in more severe dysfunctional families - which most likely happened in the first place because you DIDN'T pretend along?

What they are really asking for is "Change back, come back, because we don't have anyone to blame for our  internal problems anymore"

However, if you're nowhere around, they have no scapegoat to blame when stuff goes awry, and it will. 😜

Regardless, YOU get to decide how much contact you want to have or not, but let no amount of guilt-tripping/blaming cause you to cave on your boundaries no matter what they say  - misapplied scripture verses, "You abandoned us," none of it. 

Let them tell other people whatever they like. 

Having said that, boundaries are great - but they should not be misused to "teach a lesson," they are NOT a weapon.

Because boundaries aren't about teaching others a lesson, they're about keeping yourself out of harm's way - period. 

So no need to guilt trip anyone over the distance, just say "For my own mental health, I need to step back from this situation" - period.