As For Mark and Me?

 

We're good! We couldn't afford to go anywhere for our Anniversary, and yet it was still one of the best we've had despite it!

I'm glad we went back to Gatlinburg last year, then, and recreated  wedding photos 😊

I will admit, with my financial aid being cut by Trump, course program changes, extreme financial stress, my finals, and the subject of the below post, I've been under more stress this week than I've been under in years. 

But I DID pass my and get another A in the course!!!!

I still don't know think I can continue, though, after the OBBBA financial aid cuts went into effect.

As a result, I haven't been able to sleep, my anxiety has been on overdrive, and my stomach is doing things I haven't seen before - and I sometimes get lost in my own thoughts and anxiety and realized I was just before our anniversary.

He said something  like ...

"Um, you do know our anniversary is this week, right? I know we can't afford anything and it sucks, but I can't tell because you're not really speaking much, and when you do, it's to freak out about school and finances."

I did and already had a card and a small gift I could afford ready for it, but he was right - I got too lost in my own worries/anxiety and wasn't paying enough attention to him this week..

So I hugged him and said ...

 "Honey, OMG, you're right, I'm SO sorry. I get lost in my anxiety/own thoughts sometimes when I'm this stressed, but it must appear to you like I don't care, when that's not true. I hope you know I love and appreciate you, right? And if you don't, it's okay to tell me you're not feeling that right now."

He forgave me, said he knew that, just wondering where I went in my head for a few days lol.

Then he said I did get a little lost and noncommunicative with him other than financial issues and household stuff, which he didn't know how to interpret, and felt just a tad like he wasn't in the room  - and then added if this is the worst of my crazy, he can deal with it, because I can deal with his! 😂

Then this morning, we talked about the post below (which I've added to), but then I added:

Me: "I know I'm crazy sometimes, but what if I got lost in my anxiety like that, THEN got super bitchy, and to top it off, instead of realizing it and apologizing, I demanded that you write a letter of appreciation for me and that you told my family to write me one, like Kim does  - what would you do?  😂

Mark: "Hahaha! Um, if you ever asked me to write you a letter of appreciation, or to ask your family to write you one, I'd be like"  WTF?" - then tell you all that therapy you've had didn't help because, well, that's completely insane!" 😂

"But you would never ask me or anyone to do that because, well, that's insane. In fact, you've held me back from hauling off on your family before, when I demanded their phone numbers and you refused." 

"I think I did text McKenna once, years ago, when as I had her number, after some new crazy text accusation out of nowhere again or had to cancel plans for like  the millionth time last minute again because she changed her mind about visiting you, usually because Kim or her Dad got upset  - but you got mad at me." 

"You said to stay out of it, plus all they would do is say you "manipulated" me to do it - and that is EXACTLY what happened, so I never did it again." 

"The fact that the rest of the family can't see that KIM is the only one in the family who acts like that, manipulating or demanding her husband to get involved  - but is accusing YOU of it - I think you call it projection - it's almost sicker than Kim herself."

 

(Aside: Well, not entirely true, Kim is the only one like that now, but my mom USED to be - before she finally at least partially accepted her severe mental illness diagnoses, and  went on and stayed on medication, about 15 years ago). 

 

"But you're right - pushing people in denial just makes them mad and YOU the villain -  because God knows there has to be a villain or victim in your family." 

"Encouraging everyone not to trust their own eyes and ears and see things here way,  accusing critics of what she is doing herself, calling any critics a dangerous enemy  - I swear to God, it's like watching Trump. Are you sure SHE isn't the big DNA reveal in your family instead of your mom, and that her last name isn't Trump instead of your mom? 😂"

"Sometimes when triggered, you can get a little cuckoo, but never in an abusive way - you freak out about it more than other people, yes - but nothing truly insane like that, and I've lived with you for 15 years. And if you did, I'd be calling your therapist myself  like "Um, here? Something is really, really wrong." lol."

I'm so lucky - and I love my husband - and if anything, I need to write an appreciate letter to HIM for going too far up my own ass in anxiety, this week.😂

Both because he has to put up with my anxiety and triggering nonsense and other embarrassing flaws, but calls me on my shit when I do it, in a loving way.

So we're good - VERY good! 

________________

PS - Mark just added: 

 

"You'd think moving to Norway and cutting off all contact with them, last year, because she said the family doesn't appreciate her enough again - though she gave no care to your mom but calling lawyers, leaving it all to Ruthie  - just like she did with your Granny and you - would tell them something, but nope."

"And even if they did realize you were telling the truth/were right about that, they'd never admit it. 

"They need to believe that, because if you're NOT crazy, told the truth and are right, THEN they'd have to ask themselves, "What the hell have I done/gone along with?" and most people can't do that. 

"BTW, how did Kim convince everyone she's good with money? Because I don't see it. She's made really dumb decisions on what to spend money on - those expensive trips and unnecessary lawyer stuff, preparing for legal battles with people that never happened."

"i'm not good with money either, but I admit it lol. Ruthie seems to be good with managing what's left,  actually. And still, did she, or anyone at all, ever once say,"Maybe instead of spending money on expensive trips to Paris etc., we should save it or add it to the estate to care for mom/Nana, because she's getting old?"

"Nope. So now the estate money's gone, the farm's gone, Kim's cut all contact with them and run off to Norway, your Mom's not well, and Ruthie is left holding the bag of financial and physical care for her." 

"I'd feel sorry for them, if they hadn't been warned, but they were -  and still refuse to see or admit there were some terrible financial decisions and consequences of them, under her leadership, but they won't see it" 

"More group insanity, just like MAGA. MAGA literally calls Trump their savior, and it's like "What or who is Trump saving you from? lol. He starts wars with people that haven't done anything to us, those of us not in his inner circle can barely pay for our gas or our bills in this inflation, and then he terrorizes and bullies any critics, convincing his followers they're their enemy."

"It's crazy, and it's crazy-making, and like I've told you before, quit trying to understand crazy, you can't - but it doesn't mean YOU'RE crazy because you don't understand it and because there are more of them than you."

 

Preach, Brother Mark, Preach! 😂

Taking My Final Today, But First, To My Daughter

*Edited/content added

Yesterday was Mark and my 10th anniversary, but what I have never once mentioned on here, over the years, is that today is my daughter's birthday.

I "try" not to mention family much on here, both for security reasons and to avoid a fallout, but I've gotten triggered a time or two and done so, and for that, I apologize.

But I'm making an exception because there's some things I want to say. Things that have needed to be said for a long time.

But first, in case anyone's wondering why I would ever get married the day before my daughter's birthday -  it's because we had been estranged for a few years at the time - her choice. 

So Mark was trying to get me to forward-think, to focus on joy, rather than my usual on her birthday -  which was lying in my bed for days in grief and depression. 

He added that someday, we would all take trip together during this time to celebrate both and our reunion.

Otherwise, to McKenna - the love of my life ... 🥰

Happy Birthday, love of my life, McKenna

I love you and always will - despite it all, you are still the love of my life and my greatest blessing in life. 

I'm sorry that you're under the impression that you're under -  but I will never stop hoping that you figure out truth and for that reunion - but in our family, you have to WANT to see truth or you never will and will keep pretending, wondering why you feel so badly.

I made mistakes, of course I did, ones I regret - just not the ones you've been told/think I made.

So  though I will take responsibility for my mistakes, I can't take responsibility for things I didn't do or that have been twisted from family members who are hiding much. 

What I never want to do is to invalidate your perception/gaslight you and I want to allow you to be angry with me, which is something I was never allowed. 

Thus, I'm not sure what to do if our perceptions differ because I don't want to invalidate your perception/gaslight you, but in some cases, I can disprove the information you've been told with documentation, too.   

Because the problem is, your perception isn't just your perception - it was inappropriately influenced and gaps were filled in by people not even around until you were a teenager and the situation with Granny's will. 

They did so out of their own issues and selfishness, but tried to blame me for not being around you sooner -  despite the fact they were always welcome - and watching you wait by the window for your Dad to even show up, on time or at all (and not also be drunk or hungover) was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen. 

At first, I tried very hard not to put you in the middle because I knew people already were.

For example, do you remember my canceling your 16th birthday party at a restaurant literally named "McKenna's" because 2 family members refused to come, demanding you come to their family barbecue instead?

I bowed out to take the pressure off you - so  you went to their barbecue, and the next weekend, we went with your Auntie Ru to the Art Museum in Cincinnati and for lunch instead.

Though at first, I laughed off their absurd accusations,  thinking you knew me better than that, I did start to worry that you weren't noticing things like that - who was really putting the pressure on you, making demands, and twisting your head around - and you didn't notice.

So I did end up making mistakes myself as far as putting you in the middle a few years later, defending myself against a new accusation every time you'd been with them, and I AM sorry for that, I shouldn't have done that.

Not excusing it, just explaining - I got tired of the regurgitated false accusations coming out of your mouth  after every visit with them, apparently spending their holiday time with you poisoning the well out of their own need for self-validation, instead of just enjoying each other's company. I didn't want to do the same, but after a few years, I did - and again, I am sorry for that.

 

Speaking of which, I sent you to those family holidays without going myself -  NOT because I was "pawning you off on them" like you were told.

Do you really believe I'd prefer to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas completely alone? Of course not. 

I did so because I figured my problems with our family didn't need to also be yours - you shouldn't have to pay for tension between the rest of the family after Granny got sick over the will.

Mothers self-sacrifice on behalf of their children in ways that we never tell you about and don't feel the need to broadcast or be appreciated  - which you will understand when you are a mom yourself some day.

However, self-sacrifice is a foreign concept to your Aunt K that she will never understand, because she chose not to have children - and you KNOW how she demands appreciation for the slightest thing lol.

 

I mean, remember when she had her husband demand that you and Ru write a letter of appreciation to her at Christmas of 2007, before she'd stop pouting and participate?

(Appreciate what? Calling her lawyers every 5 minutes over Granny's estate, like the Karen she is, rather than ever once lifting a finger to help give actual physical care for Granny - and now is doing the same thing with Nana, running off to Norway permanently?) 

Or when you visited her in Chicago, you told me that she got so mad over her neighbor's dog poop that she picked up and smeared it all over their windows?

Despite the money (her husband makes), that's not normal behavior, Honey - and it's more unwell than anything I've ever done on in my life on my worst day!

Self-sacrifice is also a foreign concept to your Dad (though he would never smear dog poop on anyone's windows because he's not THAT unwell, but he does need substance-use disorder treatment lol).

 

Regardless, I hope if you've learned nothing else by now, if you've seen Granny's will and ALL of its attachments - I signed off on her will to prove to your Aunt K that I wasn't out for money, I just wanted to be her primary caretaker and be the one to be there when she closed her eyes the final time.

 

But to my point - here's the part I never told you the full story of until now, but I'm hoping after recent events, you can now see more clearly how unwell Aunt K actually is - and still refuses treatment  ...

 

It wasn't enough that I signed off all rights to the will for your Aunt K. 

She then called me and said she'd call the Sheriff to get me out of the house in case I changed my mind later on the will and wanted to claim "squatters rights." 

 

I begged her not to do this, I promised I'd never claim squatter's rights or contest the will, I'd sign anything else she wanted me to sign, just please don't do this - we'd have to move you yet again and it would leave us no choice financially but to move to Northern Kentucky after your Dad offered for us to come there and I'd have to send you ahead until I packed us up/quit my local job, because we'd have nowhere else to go - but as usual, she was her merciless selft.

She didn't tell you THAT part, did she? 

Instead, she told you that I abandoned Granny and that I threatened HER with abandoning you with your Dad, when I didn't! 

And little did I know at the time, your dad offering for us to come there and help us wasn't truth either - I should've known there was an end game - I just wanted to believe otherwise, because I was so overjoyed for you that he had appeared have grown up and wanted to be a part of your life now. 

We had no designs in getting back together, but he said K was bully and always had been, and if I couldn't afford to fight her and had nowhere to go, to just move there and he'd help. 

 

I really believed him - but I learned through 2 unlikely people what his end game was, and at first, I didn't want to believe them.  

The end game was to entire you to come live with him full-time as a teeenager so he could have child support removed,because he was credited to the hilt and wanted the cash flow. It was only $424 a month and I never had it raised, but it was the beginning of the recession and he needed the cash flow.. 

I didn't want to believe it myself - but when I sent you ahead for those 2 weeks while I packed up and quit my local job, I received a call from your school registrar, Katie, AND Carla in Child Support, because they questioned what he'd told them -  that I wasn't in the picture and you had been living with him since 2005 (we were in Florida, then Granny's?), and he wanted the child support removed. 

Katie, your school registrar, called me first because she knew he was lying - because I'd called her and told her he was going to register and I'd be there in 2 weeks. 

Carla from Child Support called second, because got tired of his calls and told him he'd need to prove it in court, she can't just remove it on his say so, and she knew he was lying - so she called me to give me a heads up of what he was going to do.  

I've learned since that this is actually very common with Child Support, even nominal amounts -  and there's actually worse done over child support - if you've watched crime shows, then you know that.

When his lawyer sent me a warning letter that he was going to take me to court to try have child support removed, I had no money for a lawyer, so I contacted Legal Aid. 

They said unless there's allegations of abuse on either side, they can't help me, and of course there weren't. 

Because though your Dad gets drunk and can be verbally abusive, he was never, ever physically abusive. 

And he never accused ME of abuse either, because he knew i didn't. 

But what Legal Aid DID advise to NOT let go of Child Support in case you changed your mind. 

But I relinquished it anyway, because I couldn't afford a lawyer to fight him, as well as and to ensure you didn't suffer or need anything - even though I could've easily proven you lived in Florida with me and then with Granny until September 2007 

You lived with him lived him for 2 weeks after September 8th until I quit my local job and moved there, and then half-time  during the recession September 2007 until February 2010,  when you left to live with him full time - then he had the attorney send the letter with intent to sue over Child Support in December 2010. 

And I have the documents to prove that timeframe - your school enrollment, my signed my lease 2 weeks later, how much the child support actually was ($424 a month) versus what you were told, if you'd ever care to see them - but you have to WANT to see truth - which I know is difficult, I had to do it myself as a young adult.

Now - I know that to you, it looks like there's more of them than me and that I think it's "everybody else with the problem," and I get why. 

In fact, I used to believe that myself - I'm the common denominator, which makes me the problem. It's why I got into therapy when others didn't.

But then I learned more about toxic dysfunctional family systems  and how they work, scapegoating of anyone who doesn't pretend along - and that yes, it IS possible to have toxic systemic family dysfunction.

 

I mean, on the larger scale, look at the Nazis?  

They were basically a giant dysfunctional family, operating the same way. In a way, I'm the Jewish person in a Nazi family - because I stopped pretending along with them when I entered into therapy long-term at age 24 lol. 

You were taught to view me that way/treat me that way as well, which my therapist warned me was happening. 

In fact, I was in therapy the entire time, advising me - they weren't and still aren't in therapy.

 

I also learned that until we learn what normal is, we'll keep dating/marrying or befriending familiar people, not knowing there's better - and I'm here to tell you, I''ve found better - because I began to finally believe I deserved better. 

My therapist actually advised me to keep you away from them as a "toxic swamp" - as did the therapist before her who moved away - and I wish I had listened, but I wanted you to have some sense of family. 

 

And I let you leave to your dad's that day without a fight, NOT because I wanted to be rid of you, as you were told, but because even though I could've called the Sheriff myself to get you back as I had full custody, you were confused and angry with me - I figured that'd just make you angrier and you just needed time.

I don't know if you remember what you were angry with me about the day you left for your Dad's in February 2010 - but it was because I took your cell phone away, after asking you to clean your bird cage and you told me to STFU. 

The house rules I posted on the fridge - that you had signed yourself as agreeing to - said the consequence for talking to me that way was cell phone removal for the weekend.

BTW, that new list of house rules with consequences posted on the fridge that you signed, but got mad when I took your cell phone away for breaking one?

It came straight from my therapist. 

She said allowing you to be angry with me was one thing, but allowing you to talk to me like they did in a verbally abusive manner was another - and she was right.

Because although you DO have the right to be angry with me or criticize my choices - but you do NOT have the right to verbal abuse, name-calling, and cruelty.

 

I'm sorry that's okay communication in our family of origin, but it's actually NOT okay - it's not the way people who love each other should communicate.

So you ran across the street to a pay phone, called your Dad, and left. Your boyfriend and his mom did bring you back one day from your Dad's in May, but you changed your mind, not wanting to live in a rundown apartment with me versus a nice house with your Dad.

 

Meanwhile, the gifts for you from your Dad and your Aunt K, who had little previous interest in you, suddenly flowed like water now as reward -  Fender guitars, cars, trips to Tucson, Paris, Norway - things I could never afford and wouldn't do as a bribe anyway. 

 

Speaking of which, didn't you ever wonder if paying Granny's estate bills was truly an issue for your Aunt K, as she said, how she could still afford these expensive trip to Paris, etc., for you all? 

As for your Dad, the Child Support was now relinquished, but considering it was only $424 a month, his credit cards took even more hits. 

 

 (Also, I had no money to fight even if you'd wanted me to fight for you. I did try to go to an attorney who said I had a very strong parental/family alienation case, but I didn't have even the $1200 retainer ) 

 

If nothing else, I hope you have learned by now that money and expensive gifts and trips are not love or even care of you  and that most importantly, their gifts come with obligations and guilt trips later. 

  

Now, enough about the past - let's think about the future. 

 

When I say we need to meet halfway, that is going to require you to take some responsibility for your choices as well, and some untruths told, while trying to pit one parent against the other as a teenager and continuing to do as a a young adult. 

As much as I wanted to blame their manipulation for a long time for your behavior and felt sorry for you, for it, the truth is -  you made some choices yourself manipulating THEM in return. 

That's normal stuff for a teenager - but it may be time to take responsibility for it? 

I just I didn't take the bait, like your Dad did, when you tried that with me about your Dad. 

 

For example, the broken plate incident? 

You told me your dad broke a plate and cut you with it and I knew it wasn't true because your Dad is a lot of things, even verbally abusive, but never physically abusive. 

I called him to ask his side and found out the truth - he got mad and set a dinner plate down forcefully on the dinner table, with both hands - and the cheap plate broke, and a piece flew off and scratched you - it was a total freak accident - which you admitted yourself when I told you what he'd said.

If you recall, I told you that when you tell these stories, tell all of it and the truth - and that you need to stop talking to your Dad that way - even if he talks to YOU like that, giving it back isn't going to help, remember? 

 

But in my case, he never even called me to ask my side, as I did when it was him, which I thought was strange -  and to this day, I have no idea what you told him/them when you left - but it couldn't have been the truth about the cell phone. 

I realize now why he didn't, tho - because it played right into his end game. 

 

You once asked me why all his gifts and attention stopped after the first 2 years with him?

Do you remember I didn't answer, but said "You'll figure it out someday?"

Well, there's the actual answer - he stopped lavishing you with (credit card) gifts and attention, just after I relinquished child support before your last year of high school - plus he had a new girlfriend.

 

Regardless, it wasn't you, Honey - you didn't do anything wrong. 

That's just your Dad. He got what he wanted out of the situation and he was done, game over.

 

Perhaps you can see now why I was drawn to him at first - he love-bombs until he gets what he wants or gets bored, and you can keep trying to dig to find that part of him again, knowing it's in there somewhere, but you never will, unless he's lonely.

 

And NO, I did NOT have you to entrap him - your father said that's not true. 

Your Dad also confirmed that it was ME that left HIM, as , as well as what we both agreed on - that neither one of us were ever really in love with each other, we had nothing in common, we were young and stupid and had no direction or purpose.  

And yet you continue to believe your Aunt K despite both your own mother and father confirming that isn't true ?!? 

 

In fact, I felt stuck and was clinically depressed and didn't fully recognize it. I laid in bed a lot after work and I messed up my pills (something I clearly have never done since) and I actually also forgot to eat as well. 

And I was actually already about to leave him when I found out I was pregnant - but we both tried, for your sake, to make the most of it -  it just didn't work out, but we DID both try.

 

HOWEVER, the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life changed and I changed for the better and got into therapy -  and I now had purpose - being your mom 😊 - and no amounts of threats from your Aunt K to abort you "before it turns out to be a loser like you" or anything else mattered - you were in the world and the world was a better place because of it 😊 

Also, as I stated, verbal abuse, cruelty, and manipulation aren't the way people who love each other should ever speak to each other - so that is still not going to happen - and if it does, I will need to set a boundary.

I have no one in my life now that speaks to me that way and I'm hoping you don't either. They might call me on my shit, but they don't verbally abuse me.

But if not, then if/whenever you're ever ready to do so, then I am here. I think it's best we have a neutral-party therapist present, though, don't you?

There are actually therapists that specialist in parental/family alienation  situations - they're called "Reunification Therapists."

 

Until then, I had to end your confusing yo-yo game of contact me/don't contact, because that had gone on long enough and I needed to set my own boundaries due to the above. 

 

My current boundaries are, we meet halfway, no cruelty/verbal abuse as if the learned family way, no accusations without allowing me the courtesy of response (and showing you objective written  documentation proof), and that you self-examine just as much as me regarding some choices you've made, now that you're an adult.

You can express anger or hurt with me without cruelty/verbal abuse - or more regurgitated word/event twisting that came straight out of Aunt K's mouth - and if you don't know how, then perhaps learning about better approaches - and if you can't, then I will need to say goodbye for now until you can calm down and find a better approach.

Regardless,just know that despite it all,  I will still always love you and I still consider you the biggest blessing of my life 💘

PS - Women and The Fear of Speaking Up ...

 

It helps to feel less damaged to know that I have 2 friends currently struggling with when and how to speak up, but theirs are family and/or work.

Family is actually the hardest, right?

Speaking up is never harder to do than with your own family.

I think women fear speaking up more than men, because we don't want to be labeled a Karen or a troublemaker or "creating drama," and because there's always that misogynistic "She's crazy, don't listen to her" card that will be played by the guilty, nowadays by other women as well as men! 

It could be anything from feeling overwhelmed with sole caretaking  of a family member and being afraid to ask for help (or hearing crickets when you do), to affairs or family theft, all the way up to addictions and/or physical or sexual abuse, and yet women toil over "keeping the peace" VS. speaking up. 

Though my friends don't have to deal with the gaslighting card played in MY family (from people we have since learned have certified severe mental illnesses they tried to hide/run from treatment for, for years, mind you) - what they DO also get are the "Forgiveness" bible verses sent to guilt trip them, or "Let it go"  or the "Family is everything," or maybe even the "you're abandoning us" card.

And there's also the "creating drama" accusation if you speak up - never realizing there'd be nothing to speak up about and react TO, had they not done the dramatic thing they did in the first place!

So for starters, their definition of "forgiveness" is faulty. 

To dysfunctional families, forgiveness means look the other way/pretend it didn't happen. 

Yes, Jesus said to forgive 70 x 7 - he did NOT say to look the other way and pretend it didn't happen OR keep putting yourself in harm's way if there's been no insight or remorse.

That's actually the definition of enabling without consequence, so you'll be forgiving a lot more than 70 x 7!

Forgiveness is really about freeing yourself from pain and avoiding bitterness and it can be done privately, the other person doesn't even need to know - because forgiveness is the only known vaccine against catching the same (pain-caused?) selfish disease that the person likely suffers from who hurt you, which is highly contagious..

Because unless you're dealing with a true sociopath/narcissist or psychopath, 99% of the time -  it's hurt people that hurt other people.

They know what they're doing is wrong, but they justify it, because they feel they are owed in some way.

It may not even be personal, they just can't see past their own pain, life mistreatment or feeling the world is unfair, so their own needs become central - never realizing that in doing so, they just crossed the threshold of being exactly like the people who hurt them.

The feeling of anger itself is natural and not a "sin" - but if left unchecked too long, it can become poison and lead to thirst for revenge, which IS a "sin" and insatiable. 

I'm  not seeking justice, I'm talking about seeking revenge - and there's a difference.

So don't buy the guilt trips - because you're not distancing out of anger, you're distancing to keep yourself safe from further harm, from people who have no remorse for their actions, continue to blame you to justify their mistreatment/abuse of you, and have zero  insight into the toxic group dynamic they continue enable and participate in - and it's not your job to enlighten/teach them.

(In fact, if they're in denial, pushing them to see truth just makes them mad and play the false victim again, so you might as well talk to a brick wall, because at least the wall won't get mad and play the false victim).

They made a choice to do what they did out for selfish reasons, without considering how either you, or even the rest of the family, felt. 

What they want is to have no consequences for their behavior (again), and for you to feel all the guilt they can't or won't. 

They may even try to blame you for their choices, in a sort of "Look what you made me do" BS justification.

I call it the "Here, hold my bag of shit" attempt.

"No, thank you, this isn't mine - I have enough of my own shit to hold. This one is yours." 😊

Be prepared for your refusal to cave in and/or take on all blame to be flipped back on you as YOU being the one who is not taking responsibility or refusing to feel guilt.

Let them and laugh. 😂

Because it's more projection of their own behavior onto you,  coming from members of a dysfunctional, toxic, perhaps even sick group dynamic - who either haven't been to therapy/treated at all, or if they did go, weren't treated properly or for long enough - by a  good therapist that actually confronts them on their sh*t, not just pats them on the back. 

However, YOU, my friends, like me, DID question yourself and got yourself checked. 😊

In fact, you were the first people in your families to be brave enough to ever question yourself, enter into and stay in therapy, and not run the first time you were confronted  - something the rest of your family can't/won't do.

In fact, that's likely part of their problem with you -  as the first one in actual therapy/treatment, as you became healthier, you started refusing to play the same family games the same way anymore -  and that does not go over well, in dysfunctional families who haven't been treated.

It's a shame that the sickest people in the world, doing the most damage, never set foot in a therapist's office or ever question themselves - or if they do, they run from therapy the first time a therapist confronts them instead of patting them on the back - so then it's the rest of us, their victims, who enter into and stay in therapy, initially blaming ourselves TOO much, then learning everything we can to feel better and be better people, right?

Now, of course, you DO have the choice to do as they ask, pretend along stuff didn't happen - but then only YOU are left with all the consequences, while they still experience none.

As if that person's feelings matter more than yours or anyone else's, when if they hadn't done what they did, but won't admit to or acknowledge, there'd be nothing to forgive in the first place!

And if the "forgiveness'" texts come from in-betweener family or mutual friends trying to peace-make?

Take it as a compliment - because it means they know you're the most reasonable one and the most likely one to forgive, and they also know you CAN feel guilt, when the other person either can't or won't. 

At least you get that much acknowledgement, and weren't gaslighted over it, acting like it never happened, right?

So yes, forgive them, because it frees you from the pain, anger and bitterness - but don't put yourself in harm's way again if there's no insight or remorse. 

They chose themselves without even a moment's toil over how you or anyone else in the family might feel, right?

So now YOU make a choice for yourself - because they're certainly not going to.

Choose yourself over the toxicity they continue to engage in and justify - but unlike them, you HAVE toiled over this choice.

And if you're in the family scapegoat role, which happens in more severe dysfunctional families - which most likely happened in the first place because you DIDN'T pretend along?

What they are really asking for is "Change back, come back, because we don't have anyone to blame for our  internal problems anymore"

However, if you're nowhere around, they have no scapegoat to blame when stuff goes awry, and it will. 😜

Regardless, YOU get to decide how much contact you want to have or not, but let no amount of guilt-tripping/blaming cause you to cave on your boundaries no matter what guilt trips are tried - misapplied scripture verses, "You abandoned us" - none of it. 

Let them tell other people whatever they like - doesn't mean it's truth. 

Having said that, boundaries are great - but they should not be misused to "teach a lesson," they are NOT a weapon.

Because boundaries aren't about teaching others a lesson, they're about keeping yourself out of harm's way - period. 

So no need to guilt trip anyone over the distance, just say "For my own mental health, I need to step back from this situation" - period.

You'd Think At 57, I Would've Learned My Lesson By Now

 

One of the few positive things my mom has said about me is that though I was super shy and afraid to speak up for myself as a child, I did not hesitate when it's other people suffering - I have always gone to bat for the underdog in situations, most often to my own detriment.

As an adult, in therapy, I learned better how to speak up for myself sometimes and when not to rock the boat - which I try not to do unless the issue is bigger than just me and affects many. It's a tough balance that many women struggle with.

There's a problem, though - usually, once you speak up on behalf of someone else, even with sugar on top -  if the powers that be don't like it, then the people you're speaking on behalf of often act like they don't know what you're talking about 😂

Before I get to the current situation, allow me to tell you my first experience with this as a child, which should've taught me all I needed to know - but apparently didn't.

Now, this childhood situation was an actual bullying situation, but this current situation is NOT, not even close to it - but there's a common thread in my behavior. regarding speaking up about anything at all.

So when I was 13, I went to my best friend's slumber party. 

So ... one of the girls invited was overweight, and 3 of the girls started bullying her about it.

Can I just tell you that there is almost nothing more monstrous socially than a pack of 13-year-old girls, especially overprivileged ones? 😂

(Unfortunately, some women never grow out of that mentality, but many do.)

Because when I say bullying, I don't mean just verbally.

I mean, these girls literally grabbed the bag of Cheetos out of her hand, chewed them up and spit them on her!!!

At that point, I grabbed the bag of Cheetos out of the main bully's hand and said "What is WRONG with you? Are you humans or a bunch of chimpanzees? You don't chew up and spit out food on people, that's disgusting! There's nothing wrong with ___, but there IS something VERY wrong with YOU"

Guess what happened?

Of course I became the new target.

And unfortunately, the main bully and I used to be friends in elementary school - so she knew a lot about my family others didn't.

She started going on about my Dad's abuse and my mom being crazy, saying I was so skinny because my mom starved me (which was NOT true) - and that I was going to grow up to be just like her, acting like I just did.

I was so shell-shocked and unprepared for that I said nothing.

I mean, they literally circled around me, and my best friend and other friends didn't know what to do, they just sat silent. 

I mouthed at my best friend, the hostess of the party, and said "Um ... do something?"

She just shrugged her shoulders. She later said she didn't know what to do, she was shocked too.

And the worst thing?

The overweight girl they initially bullied, chewing up the cheetos and spitting them out on her?

She joined in with the bullies I just defended/protected her from - so happy the heat was off her. 

Later on, I started speaking up to my family about some of this severe dysfunction - and that went over about as well. Dysfunctional groups don't like to face truth, question themselves, or even take a look, just keep the status quo they're comfortable in, though it doesn't work for anybody, really.

So I just stopped speaking up on anything at all, for like - years. 

I started to believe them when they said I was crazy for not seeing things the way they do.

I already had trouble speaking up for myself, but even on behalf of others, I stopped, because it never went over well and I started to doubt my own perception, at that point.

Even after therapy, learning better communication techniques with sugar on top - nope.

My now-retired therapist said "If you have used better communication, and they just don't like what you're saying or don't want to hear uncomfortable truths, that's on them, not you. But yeah, if you can't handle the backlash, then best not to - just walk away. Either way, it doesn't mean you're crazy or your perception is off. Maybe it's TOO good - because gaslighting is the calling card of the guilty

So I started again, experimenting with speaking up and when, trying to find that balance.

At first, I did the same thing I did as a child with bullying situations - once online (which affected my real life and followed me around for years) -  and then in 2 jobs, standing up for others being bullied.

The same pattern repeated itself - I stood up for others, became the target, and the people I stood up for acted like they didn't know what the heck I was talking about, and hopped on with the people bullying them, so happy the heat was off them.

So I learned to approach the victim, rather than take on the bullies - but it didn't make much difference.

I also started to speak up for myself more - a sexual harassment situation, and and recently, instead of becoming a bully's target because I stood up for the victim, it was me from the start - someone who was worried I was doing well on work scores, becoming friends with the manager, and that I'd somehow get ahead of her, though there was no place to go.

Neither of those worked out well either. 

(Well, not entirely true - the sexual-harassment boss did it again to another new girl  after I left, and they already had my written complaint on file that I wrote when I left, so it helped get him fired/walked off by security, so there's that?)

People who have more power or have been there longer than you will win over truth every time, because their experience with that person isn't yours and they imagine their experience is everybody's experience, though it isn't.

Also, the best liars win over truth.

Fast forward to school.

No bullying, everyone is very kind to each other and encouraging - it's GREAT as far as that.

However, as I mentioned previously, we were expected to take a core competency professional exam with the NCRA this past week, though we had no class time on it. We were just given an over 100-age manual to self-study.

We were all very concerned about this, so I wrote the assistant program director about it, which I posted about previously, who clarified it wasn't on the whole manual - just the parts pertaining to cancer registry.

I thought, "Okay, we're good then."

Just in case, I read the whole manual. I didn't STUDY study it, but I read it at least.

We have 2 chances to take it, but there must be a 5-day reset between them, and since it opened Monday and the last day of class if Saturday, you had to take it on the first day in order to have a reset if you didn't pass.

So we go to take the exam at the professional association site - and it will not let us take it until we put in information about the details on where and when we completed our practicum.

*Record scratch*

Um ... we haven't had a practicum yet. In fact, we've had no class time on it.

So everyone is freaking out in chat, so I write to both assigned professors to let them know the situation and ask what to do.

The assigned professors don't know either and asked leadership, as they don't design the class or write the instructions, they just teach it. 

We waited hours for an answer, though as I said, we had to take the first attempt that day. 

We finally got the answer to just put in "I have not taken a practicum yet."

It then unlocked the exam - and we should've taken that practicum requirement as a red flag.

Because contrary to what the assistant director said, the exam WAS on the whole manual, it was very comprehensive and specific, including the parts that didn't pertain to cancer registry.

I passed with an 84% - the second highest grade - but only because myself and the other person read the manual and took notes/created studied guides for it.

Others who didn't read the whole manual first were not as lucky.

To top things off, the instructions in our class module versus the instructions on how our core competency module at the college contradicted each other. 

One set of instructions said to submit a screenshot of your score to the professor, but only if you pass.

The other set said to submit the site-generated PDF AND the certificate of completion from the main NCRA page, whether you pass or not.

Nobody knew which one to do.

I again asked both assigned professors what they would prefer.

One said screenshot whether you pass or not.

The other said site-generated PDF.

Not their fault - the instructions weren't clear for them either - because again, they don't design the course or write the instructions, they just teach it.

At this point, I am very scared. 

Because the whole point of these classes is to pass these exams, culminating in the certification exam. 

In our group chat, people were PISSED, talking about dropping.

Rather than pissed, I was more frustrated - and scared.

It's great that I'm getting straight A's - but if we're not being taught what we need to know for them with classtime work, what is the point of spending this much money?

Several others in chat voiced exactly that on their own, though I was thinking the exact same thing.

So I wrote the program director and assistant program director and told them what happened and told them I was scared, and that though they are all great, they really are - and I appreciate helping me make up the remaining tuition that OBBBA took away, I was now scared - scared to invest money, earned, borrowed, or gifted if I don't feel prepared for the actual exams.

The assistant program director replied and explained the reason for the practicum block on the exam is that we actually ARE supposed to have a practicum first before we take it - but the school had just  decided in the Spring to move the exam from the very last requirement after we'd done our practicum in our last semester to early, because students had said it was too much to do both.

I'm thinking "So you moved it to our second class in the subject, though we haven't done any coding or abstracting yet and had no class time on the manual, and we're guinea pigs for that recent change?"

But I didn't.

I just said that I was scared because I didn't feel prepared and maybe it's just because I'm a straight A student and I like to be prepared, but that I wasn't alone.

She said nobody else had said anything.

I said, "Well, sometimes people don't speak up for fear of rocking the boat, but without naming names, some people are talking about dropping. TBH, I myself am reconsidering continuing because that exam scared me. I know i can do it, but it would be helpful to have classtime on it. Sometimes people drop out of things without telling you why or giving the real reason, but I figured you'd rather know than not know and guess lol" etc. 

I told the chat. I said the assistant director said nobody else had said anything to her, and I wasn't asking them to, but if they are asked, to please be honest about it and what they've said there.

*Crickets*

So now I feel stupid and embarrassed and am doubting myself again, I wish I hadn't said anything, because as usual, everyone is backing down like they didn't say that or feel that way, and I just look like a lone troublemaker. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just crazy.

I did so on behalf of not only myself, but what others were expressing in the chat, but I sense that as usual, I'm going to be on that limb by myself. 

Maybe other people can, but I'm not one of those people, clearly.

Damn me, for being me.

Bottom line is, though I'm a straight A student, I'm an idiot that never learns this lesson. 🙁

___________________

PS - Remembering now what my current therapist, whom I haven't been able to afford to see in a while, said to me at our last session.

She said she strongly suspected neurodivergence/being on the spectrum with me, though high-functioning.

I actually asked a therapist about that once, probably 30 years ago, but at the time, she said "No, only boys have that."

But as my current therapist (I can't afford right now) said "Um ... only boys were studied on that back then - but studies NOW, have shown both males AND females are."

I could run down the list of boxes I check off for neurodivergence/spectrum disorders - but the one most pertinent now is a strong sense of justice, some might say exaggerated - injustice and social injustice, bothers us more than most people - and that we almost can't help ourselves, it's the way our "neurodivergent" brains work. 

There's way to learn how to cope with it better and express it better, but not to be ashamed of empathy and how seriously we take social justice.

She likes to call it "neurospicy" 😂

She said if I've spoken up calmly and politely and I had written evidence of what people said, then not to doubt my own perception or feel embarrassed or ashamed - because the world needs people like us, now more than ever.

Super nice of her 🥲

To UK (University of Kentucky) on Professor Woodcock's Suspension ...

 

It's finals week, so I don't have a lot of time, but in reading the paper today, I found that Professor Woodcock at UK is still suspended indefinitely for saying that the U.S. should take action against Israel for violating the truce as his comments were deemed "antisemitic."

Kentucky's (Republican) AG has now weighed in on the side of UK.

I don't often comment anywhere, but this is absurd - and after a few frustrations, this week, I figured this was as good and harmless of a place is any to release that frustration lol.

So here's what I said: 

Not that I agree with Woodcock that we need to take military action against Israel (I don't support military action against anyone who hasn't attacked us) - but acting like there's no difference between criticizing Israel's current leadership/government and the Jewish people as a whole is absurd. 

The point of combating antisemitism is to NOT stereotype everybody in 1 racial or religious group as being exactly the same based on the actions of 1 individual or a few - but UK, you're saying you WANT us to put everyone Jewish in the same category as Netanyahu and Israel's government then? 

The ability to criticize government actions, others' government or our own, was the basis of the Revolutionary War and the U.S constitution - and doing so against England did not make us anti-Protestant or anti-Catholic - because it wasn't about religion, it was about government actions, regardless of faith. 

Thus, the ability to criticize government actions is one of the most patriotic things we can do and one of the things I'm most proud of about our country, as is separation of church and state - we were the first country to do so because nobody could agree, even within the same religion. 

Also, Trump et al are now providing military weapons and other assistance to Saudi Arabia, against Iran or Iraq, what does that make us - do you have word for that? 

*crickets* 

Because you can't use antisemitic or anti-Muslim or anti-Palestinian - so uh oh, you can't emotionally manipulate people to vote your way based solely on faith anymore, because you've now spoken out of both sides of your mouths on who to support - what WILL you do? lol

PS - Reporting Another Driver For Habitual Theft With Uber Eats - Of COURSE Uber Eats Offshore Customer Service Botched It!

 

As mentioned below, both the customer and myself tried to report the previous driver to Uber Eats for theft.

But guess what? 

Not understanding English well, guess what they did?

When I called to report the driver, THEY BLOCKED THE CUSTOMER FROM USING THE APP instead, and when SHE called to report the previous driver, then FILED A REPORT on ME instead of the previous thief driver!!!

What the???

Uber Eats, we are trying to report a thief to you - but instead you put a complaint on the customer and blocked them and put her report on ME instead of the previous driver?

Geez, I've never seen such incompetence. 

I've dealt with offshore customer service before, and believe me, they understand English much better than these people, sometimes better than WE do, but they're paid less.

Not this time!

Get your shit together and get staff that better understands English, because while you're wasting time screwing all this up, this thief is getting away with more stealing from you, restaurants, and other drivers!

At this point, the customer and I have enlisted the restaurant to file their own report, making sure to report the previous driver and not me.

Watch them botch that up as well and block the restaurant or something!

Geez - you'd think if you called to report theft by another driver, they'd want to get this right!

__________________________

PS - so I just tried using the "unsafe" feature. I realize that's mostly for literally being physically unsafe as a driver, but since nobody is taking this habitual thief seriously or seems to even understand.

Guess what happened?

They texted me a half hour later and asked me to text the details of what happened.

WTF?

If I WAS physically unsafe, how is a text a half hour later going to help???

That's kind of scary as a woman driver, right?

Geez, at least DoorDash has a direct line to 911 that's voice activated if you truly in an unsafe situation?

Nope, after this, I don't think I'll be driving for Uber Eats anymore.

______________________________

Update - the "unsafe incident" people never did call me.

Lady food drivers?

Don't drive for Uber Eats.

They do not give a shit - and if you actually were unsafe physically,  they'd do nothing to help you but send an automated text asking you to text details- I just proved that by testing it to report this thief when all else failed.

So ... I Inadvertently Just Caught a Thief

 

So this happens all the time when dashing/Uber Eats-ing - somebody picks up your order  already.

In THIS situation, however, it wasn't a mistake - and it's the same guy doing it habitually.

So a couple of weeks ago, I arrived at the restaurant, they said "Somebody just picked this order up already - Latino guy, about 5'4", black baseball cap, green hoodie, you just passed him on the way in."

Frustrating because you just lost money, but it happens frequently, so I thought he just grabbed the wrong order, which happens a lot actually, there's actually an app button for it when the latter happens.

I questioned how he could've said the name/showed them the app, but I figured the app glitched.

So  I canceled the order and hit the button "Order picked up by other driver by mistake."

Then tonight, different restaurant, same side of town, same thing - and it just so happens they described the same guy exactly!

They normally don't describe the person to me when somebody picks up the order by mistake or on purpose, but it just so happened they did these 2 times - and it was the same guy!

So ... that's not a mistake or a coincidence - that's a scam.

So I call the customer and tell them what happened and the restaurant is remaking their food for them.

Then she says "You know? It's so weird, we could see he was at the restaurant, then all of the sudden he canceled and disappeared."

I said "Okay, NOW I get his game - because it's the same guy, 2 different restaurants described him. So what he's doing is showing the restaurant the app order, picking up the food, but instead of hitting "verify order," he just hits "cancel assignment" - - and boom, he has free food that he either eats himself, sells or gives away, who knows lol. Whatever he's doing, we need to report it"

I asked the customer if she remembered his name. She didn't, but she said when she called to report him, they would see it on her account.

When I dropped off her food, she upped my already generous tip by $10 bucks and gave me another $10 in cash and we were like "Ooooh, we're crimebusters now, we're gonna stop this guy so this doesn't happen to anybody else!" 😂

I swear, I don't even think like this, but some people just go out of their way to figure out how to scam/steal!

Thus, the customer and I just reported him and he's blocked from the app pending further review - and all they'll have to see is he habitually cancels after his car arrived at the restaurants several times - and boom, we're done here - no more thief!

Man, I have a habit of stumbling into some strange shit in life, and I don't know how lol.

__________________

PS - I realize I just told those so inclined how to steal food from Uber Eats by explaining how this guy did it -  but be aware both my complaint and the customer's complaint were escalated  to management and the IT department immediately, and the driver was immediately blocked - it was taken very seriously.

Also, either you're that bad at math, you're that hungry, or you're just a psychopath who just likes to see what they can get away with - because although gas is expensive, even after you subtract gas, you  still would've made about $22 bucks  in 10 minutes from a 2-mile trip - before they upped my tip!

Lastly, you can't do this with DoorDash - because DoorDash makes you actually check in at the restaurant as well as verify the food via the app and you can't cancel after you've done that - Uber Eats just has you verify the food only, so you could very easily just not hit verify like this guy did.

And if Uber Eats doesn't take this seriously and follow suit with Door Dash?

Well, they're going to lose money and vendors and customers then and it's on them because they didn't fix it.

Overheard Conversations While Dashing ...

 

So it's super interesting, the conversations you have, and especially the ones you overhear, while dashing and waiting on the food to be ready.

I tend to be super chatty with the restaurant staff, other dashers, and any customers in line.

I swear, I'm getting like one of those  "Becoming Your Parents" Geico commercials - ya know, where you talk to people while standing in line too much 😂

(Not that my mom was super chatty, at least not while growing up, but I'm becoming like those commercials anyway lol.)

But also, I've missed customer service in a way - because my favorite thing to see is the smile on someone's face when you bring their food or play with their kids or their dog or pet their cat, if they choose "meet at the door" option. 

My favorite is making lonely older people smile somehow, who often choose this option. I talk to them about their pets, flowers, house.

My goal is to give anyone I deliver to a smile, especially in this economic and political climate, and especially a giggle/chuckle somehow if I can, before I walk away😊

I noticed something though, while waiting on my food, listening eavesdropping on conversations - the differences in the content and caliber based on restaurant.

For example, if it's a family at Chick-Fil-A, the parents are like "No, use YOUR card, mine has like $50 bucks left on it. Look at what Hallie's doing, right now, dancing at the counter, so excited lol."

Or the teenage/young adult staff taking their dinner break at a table, clapping for each other for their various job or school achievements - super cute.

But last night, I was at an upscale cafe, and these 2 couples were waiting on a table that knew each other. Two blondes that were apparently former sorority sisters catching up, and they were like ...

Woman 1: "So my daughter takes dance, gymnastics, and soccer. It's exhausting."

 

Woman 2: "That's cute, My daughter takes dance, gymnastics, soccer, horseback-riding, violin, and French."

 

Woman 1: (Face falling) "Oh, yes, French, I didn't include that, but so does my daughter."

 

Woman 2: "It's exhausting, though, right? I barely have my spa time anymore.."

*Eye roll*

Bitches? 

A word, please. 😂

(Not really, just in my head lol.)

Because most of us WISH that was our worst problem right now, and you don't even know exhausted until you actually work AND raise kids, especially as a single mom with at least 2 jobs.

Families trying to pool money just to get a Friday Chick-Fil-A, especially single moms - but here you two are, not realizing how great you've got it, and though supposedly friends, competing over your kids like it's 1952, instead of helping/commending each other.

But you know, I try to be supportive of other women and meet people where they are -   and what is a molehill to me is a mountain to them and vice versa - so if I was a part of that conversation, I'd still be supportive, just not have much to add.

If I was -  and if said anything - it'd probably be like:  "Okay, we're all doing the best we can, we all win, we're all exhausted, The End!  But we have a night out, with babysitters -   so the REAL question is, what do y'all want for drinks to chill?  😂

Maybe I'm just jealous for not ever having that kind of life.

Maybe they don't have financial worries, so they invent other things to worry about and don't realize what's most important.

Maybe both are true.

Regardless, interesting microcosm of human behavior based on restaurant, for sure - a writer's dream.

Raise Your Hands if You've Stopped Eating Lettuce?

 

I miss my summer salads, they're quick and light and easy, right?

But now that we've learned it's NOT just the one farm with cyclospora, nope - no more lettuce for a while, right?

No lettuce at all for me - restaurants OR at home. Nope, not risking it, right now. No salads, take it off sandwiches and burgers - nope, nope, nope!

Also, though Taco Bell is usually a mainstay of my DoorDashing, all orders stopped for about a week, and now IF I get a Taco Bell dash, they put "No lettuce" on their orders. Good idea!

So of course, the internet does what it does about it ... 

I mean, it's a good question?

Then Taco Bell strikes back with THIS?

(Just kidding - no, this is not a Taco Bell real sign.)

😂😂😂

Now cyclospora parasites, Ladies and Gentlemen, would be an appropriate use for ivermectin - but only under a doctor's instruction and only if you actually have cyclospora, not as prevention - because Ivermectin builds up in the human body over time and can become toxic!

Just saying, because I sometimes still see people with no background in healthcare, never having read any of the clinical studies at all on ivermectin themselves, still trying to push ivermectin as a prevention/cure for COVID, simply because right-wing politicians do, who likely own pharmaceutical shares.

(These people apparently can't independently think for themselves or research anything on their own, they just drink the political Kool-Aid.)

I swear, if Trump told people to drink bleach, they would.

(Oh wait, that already happened -  he publicly speculated about injecting bleach of some sort during COVID and people actually did that or tried to drink it!)

So ... ivermectin is an anti-parasitic, not an antiviral.

Yes, sometimes we use "off-label" drugs to treat certain things, particularly for symptom relief -  but ivermectin is not one of those things. 

Ivermectin is still prescription-only rather than over-the-counter in humans for a reason - and that reason is, ivermectin builds up over time and becomes toxic - yes, lethally toxic.

And if you'd actually read the clinical trials on ivermectin and COVID  for yourselves, rather than regurgitating what your politicians (who likely have pharmaceutical shares in these companies) tell you, you would clearly see that all studies  proved ivermectin was ineffective at either preventing or curing COVID.

There WAS one a small statistical difference in COVID symptom relief in one small study; however, another study did not find any  statistical or clinical difference at all in symptom relief.

What HAS been proven is that ivermectin kills parasites (not viruses) AND that although perfectly safe short term, in large doses and/or for prolonged periods of time, ivermectin builds up to toxic levels in the human body - thus, this is why the medication is prescription only; otherwise, you could buy it over the counter!


So though your horse or your dog or cat can take ivermectin as prevention for parasitic infections, humans cannot - and there is NO evidence whatsoever ivermectin either prevents or cures the COVID virus; just one small study showed a small statistical difference in symptom relief, but others did not.

Which means, essentially, even IF the 1 small study (contradicted by other studies) was correct, ivermectin had even less symptom-relief than over-the-counter decongestants with COVID, which are safer, and thus why they are over the counter and ivermectin is not.