Have I Overreacted or Is This As Bad As I Think?

 

*Edited, content added.

Since I closed my comments years ago - ironically, due to the last time these extremely words were spoken to me -  feel free to email/chat/call me and let me know your answer/thoughts? 

So if someone says to you "If you try to tell anyone, no one will believe you, you don't have proof. Everyone loves me here."

Is that as scary as it sounds or no big deal?

When I heard those words before, I didn't take them as the red flag I should have, let's just put it that way, and bad things happened.

(Well, to be fair, I started to doubt myself, which I'm doing again now.)

That was in my personal life though - this time, it was a coworker. 

She's been there 2 years - me, only 6 months - and it's remote.

They're right, though, I don't have proof. 

I wondered at first if I'd overreacted based on the last time someone said that to me and tried to separate that out. 

I called EAP and got back into therapy.

They said my body's reaction to it (chills, shaking) were based on past experience and may be an overreaction,  but that really is a scary thing to say, it's not normal.

My therapist and I went over it and over it, because I told her I am the common denominator here. 

After a few sessions, the gist - NOT VERBATIM - of what my therapist has said overall was:

Therapist:  "Sure, you are the common denominator, but maybe not for the reasons that you think." 

 

"What comes off you is you're extremely kind, funny, and smart - but you also clearly doubt yourself, don't think very much of yourself, make fun of yourself a lot, blame yourself a lot. That rings like a dinner bell for bullies and they're gonna use it, manipulate you, pick at you to feel superior, then get you to blame yourself for it.."

 

"What we do know about people with even covert bullying qualities is that they do what they do because they're insecure and unaware of it."   

 

"So here comes you, kicking it with high scores, doing extremely well at your job, right out the gate - but you're also very open with your insecurities, doubt yourself, apologize a lot for thing you don't need to.  And she can probably sense damaged boundaries from childhood. You're openly aware of your flaws and insecurities. She has no idea of hers. So she's gonna work yours to feel superior." 

 

"Did it ever even occur to you this may have happened not because you did something wrong, but because you're doing something right?" 

"Not because you ARE better, but just because she's AFRAID you are?"

Me:  "Um .... no. You mean like she's jealous? I guess I realized she had sort of competition with me going on only in her head, but actual jealousy? I'd have to think about that. It's really hard to believe that anyone could ever be jealous of me. I mean, look at my life, who would be? lol"  

 

"The only person ever in my life, that I know of, who was ever jealous of me was my older sister, but I didn't even realize that until we'd been estranged for years, just a few years ago, why she did the horrible things she did,  particularly trying to drive a wedge between myself and  daughter. It's obvious now, of course, looking back, but it wasn't at the time."    

 

"In fact, that's really hard for me to even let myself think about, because anytime my mother had a problem with anybody, it was always because they were jealous of her lol. It just seems like a narcissistic thing to even think about."

Therapist: "Yeah, but sometimes, it's true. And the difference between you and your mother is, you didn't come in here saying that - instead, you said "What's wrong with ME?"  

"Your mother never even considers anything is her fault, doesn't doubt herself, she doesn't even wanna look -  but that's the first place you go."

 

"And even when someone tells you it isn't your fault, this person did this out of their own issues, you still don't believe it lol."

Good point lol. 

My review was glowing, And I do have the highest quality scores and am second highest in productivity, and I do tend to crack people up in tense moments?

Regardless, both EAP - and that therapist later - said I should at least try to tell somebody rather than run immediately, and wait and see if I'm believed -  if for nothing else, so they have it on record in case it happens to somebody else. 

And if/when they make her apologize or she does on her own, it's okay to be skeptical. She could even be sincere, but just not self-aware enough to understand why she's doing this stuff. 

How many times did your ex apologize sincerely, you went right back, only to have it happen again?

So I did try to tell - not HR, just management.

I didn't want a bunch of drama by going to HR, plus she's right, I had no proof but my call log, not what she said.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't believed - because I thought they'd been monitoring her communication with me since, but it's clear they weren't.

My team leader has literally said "She would never say something mean to anybody." 

To be fair, though, I wouldn't have believed she was capable either, until she called me on my personal cell when the boss was away.  Shocked the shit outta me.

Best job of my life in a field that's being replaced by AI and I'm 56. 

It sucks not being believed. 

You look like a paranoid nut and a joke, even though you stayed calm and were telling the truth.

Like I said, I've been there 6 months, she's been there 2 years (all remote). I mean, ya can't fight that as a new person - it only makes you look like trouble.

All you can do is wait until they do it to somebody else new, I guess.

Well, at least I tried to tell someone this time, stayed calm, didn't doubt myself like previously - NOR just run away immediately based on past experience, like I wanted?

Not it makes a difference either way. In fact, it's almost worse - had I just quit the day it happened and let them wonder, I'd feel better than feeling like the nut job and the joke.

I tried, but she was right - no one believed me and I had no proof.

Thus, the self-doubt is starting to creep in again - not that she didn't really say that, I'm 100% sure she did. 

But maybe I did do something to bring that on myself that I'm not self-aware of?

Or that what she said and did isn't that bad and I overreacted?

Let me know what you think through private channels.

Just Gonna Plop This Screen Shot of The Letter Featured in the Lexington Herald Leader Today

 *Edited

I didn't plan on posting again today, after my Eddie Murphy post below, but just saw this in our local news.

I'm just gonna plop this screen shot, right here ...

The letter is from an article in the Lexington Herald Leader, today, from the lobbying contractors who lobby for Fayette County Public Schools to the state legislature, terminating their contract with them, and why.

So .. can I just tell you that 3 months ago, my husband, a former dada analyst for FCPS,  transferred out of that department, taking a giant pay cut, and is now going to retire in January, for a reason (s)? ;)

NOT because he did anything wrong - but he knew others were.

And NOT the budget and financial data she mentions, that's not his direct department  - the other data she refers to, here, that a lobbying firm would need to be accurate, consistent, and not manipulated when presenting it to legislature.

Regardless, though his ex-boss wasn't over Finance or input of financial data, he is over both the IT and Data actual data submission/presentation -  to the district, the school board, and for outside open-records requests.

She also says in the letter that someone - whom she believes is a school board member - has been smearing her to the press days before making this public announcement.

Interestingly, check the 1st and only comment under the article, at present - it's very clearly someone trying to discredit her.

I mean ... who else would write that comment, right? 😂

We didn't even know who she was, until today, even my husband didn't, so whoever wrote that apparently doesn't realize doing so is actually helping her case by providing proof someone IS doing that!  😂

What a world we live in now and the lengths people will go to cover up their own wrongdoing, technology actually making it easier in some cases to deceive, right? 

So here's the history, for those not following the local news the last few months -  FCPS is being audited and is in serious trouble.

The public first became aware the budget was in serious peril when the superintendent had an emergency board meeting to beg for an emergency contingency fund as the budget was in crisis.

Since then, we now have a state financial audit questioning literally millions of collars in luxury travel and other strange spending sprees. 

Then the bombshell - local press reported the new budget director was placed on unpaid leave in July without explanation, curiously just after she sent emails to the superintendent and school board chair regarding budget inconsistencies and reckless spending.

So she got a lawyer and sued, citing retaliation and protection under the Whistleblower Act,, then took a press tour - providing press with the emails proving she tried to flag everyone, then placed on leave in retaliation. 

And here we are today.

So this was validating for my husband, but considering the letter doesn't mention directly what the "other data proven inaccurate," is, only partially so. Also, no action/consequences yet.

Though just like at any other government institution or bureacracy, here have always been some issues there - but it it's become absolutely toxic the past 5 years.

In fact, though most of my neighbors work for the schools and say  the same, 3 others besides my husband - in different departments - have done the same as Mark - quit, retired, or switched to a lower-paying job. 

(One actually went back to teaching, though previously in administration leadership).

This is what happens when the toxic people are put in charge, then all the qualified, good people quit, retire, or switch out of departments. The toxic people then hire in unqualified crony buddies, who all protect each other.

BUT - don't we love it when truth finally comes out, or starts to?  😊

The Epstein thing, too - I've been saying since 2015, somebody should check into his ties with Epstein, based on his strange quote in New York Magazine in 2002 that resurfaced - but no one would listen.

And now, Trump is trying to get the DOJ to go after Clinton, I guess as some sort of distraction from what Epstein said about Trump himself.

Because the fact is, Epstein's email said neither Clinton OR Trump participated in the sex-trafficking of underage girls - but only mentioned Trump as knowing about it for certain. 

But again, people will believe what they want to believe, and they have to be willing to even view the proof, without wearing rose-colored glasses - which many won't,  because it's contrary to they need to believe.

That is, if they even know about it. . Fox News STILL has yet to mention what Epstein said about Trump knowing for a fact what Epstein was doing.

Regardless, there is nothing like telling the truth about what you witnessed or experienced with a person, but no one believes you - nothing. 

And sometimes it's not even a matter of believing you or not believing you - they just don't want to deal with the whole investigation process and rehire someone.

I speak from personal experience.

The worst, however, is when actually DO have proof, but no one wants to look/listen, because they're so sure whoever you're talking about isn't capable of whatever it is.

(My husband was in this situation, he actually recorded someone on several occasions  - and yet it made no difference.)

But the fact that the tip of the iceberg is now starting to show publicly is at least somewhat validating for him.

It brings me hope, too.

In fact, both situations brought me hope this week - that even it may take months, years, decades, or even centuries (in Trump's case?), the truth will come out, even if it's after we're gone - because it always does. 😊

But one thing I know is this ... a watched pot never boils.

You have to let it go or it can consume you.

Because it's not about what happens to them - it's about what happens to you because of what they did.

Can't catch their disease, lest you be just like them - and you also let them continue to have that much power over you  😊

"Being Eddie" And The People Who've Made Us LOL By Decade ...

 *Content being added, as I watch the second half.

So we started watching this late, then went to bed, so watching the second half tonight - but we are enjoying it -  despite the poor reviews, mostly about how we're not really getting any insight into being Eddie Murphy at all.

What did y'all expect?

This is how Eddie Murphy survived his super stardom without falling into addiction or drugs (he has never drank or used drugs), having a mental breakdown, or losing all his money - by NOT allowing us to have that part of himself. 

He'll hint at more vulnerable parts of himself, but he's not going to let you actually see it, so quit trying. 

It's a huge deal that he even let us see his house, his kids and grandkids, revealing that he prays and meditates, and especially that he was diagnosed with OCD a long time ago, right?

We're lucky Eddie Murphy let us in at all, frankly - he is well known to fiercely protect his privacy.

Because Eddie Murphy is a rare gift, straight from God (if there is one) - much like Robin Williams was.

And at the same time, he has this ability to tell you about everyday, mundane stuff, so that you feel like you're sitting right next to him at Thanksgiving. 

Eddie Murphy could sit there and could tell you what he had for breakfast this morning and have you laughing until you cried.

That is, if he wants to - he's actually known to be a pretty introverted person when not on stage, always observing. 

He's not going to allow the public to use HIS childhood to feed your "black trauma porn" addiction.

The important part is, he survived - and thrived!

In fact, he's remarkably well-adjusted, not just for having survived hints at his childhood, but his skyrocket into fame at 21 years old, and the fact that most comedians are privately bitter people.

No drugs, no drinking his entire career (with the exception of weed now and then, which he didn't even try until his 30s).

No rehab, no mental breakdowns, and has has made good financial choices - still worth about $200 million - and above all, no bitterness.

It's really quite remarkable, especially considering the level of fame he was at and being the first black box-office blockbuster draw - everyone wanted a piece of him - and he was 21 years old!

His experiences in early life taught him to find the humor in everything, literally everything - and without being mean.

Everything is curious to Eddie, everything is fodder for jokes later, and not in a mean way, but just like "That's some crazy shit, man, you know that, right?" - while giving you a wink at the same time.

People often credit Seinfeld with observational comedy  - but Eddie Murphy is actually the king of it - because not only does he joke about what he observes in real-time, he acts it out for you, with dead-on impressions, from celebrities to the person that served him Starbucks this morning.

I'm gonna sound like a granny here, saying this, but it's true - I wish "the kids" today could understand what a huge deal Eddie Murphy was, back in the day. 

I remember watching the old VHS tapes of "Delirious" and "Raw" over and over again, with my boyfriend and his huge family and our friends, like big groups of people, crying from laughing so hard, though we'd seen it 20 times already.

Built on the foundation Richard Pryor built of tackling racism from the black perspective, and making us laugh - Eddie Murphy took that ball and ran with it, to the degree that even White Supremacists laughed and liked Eddie Murphy.

Eddie Murphy taught us not only to laugh at white racists, but laugh at the everyday dumb stuff we white people do, and often what other black people do - Eddie Murphy taught us to laugh at ourselves.

In short, after literally centuries of white people putting their cruel racist humor on center stage and daring people of color to even blink, here came Richard Pryor, then and Eddie Murphy, not just laughing in the face of racism, but getting even racists to laugh at themselves-  getting ALL of us to laugh at ourselves, white, black, or other -  with a wink while he did it.

Eddie Murphy had the power to actia;;;u make us forget race for a while, if he wanted to - he had the power to unify - in a way that very few entertainers - very few people - can do. 

The show mentions an LA critic who pointed out, at the time, that his movie Boomerang had not a single white cast member and that Coming to America only had one.

So?

Were you counting?

And you know what, I didn't even notice what race people were, and I definitely didn't cout, at the time, expect that, or even care - all I knew if Eddie Murphy was in it, I was going to laugh.

I didn't even think about or care about the race ratio - why did you?

And what, you're uncomfortable because you're not seeing people with your complexion all over a movie?

Welcome to their world.

Then we were talking about when was the last time someone made us laugh until we cried, like literally wiping our eyes we laughed so hard, doing stand-up or on TV or in movies?

It's been a while. Nobody currently seems to have that ability do they?

I mean, I laugh really easily at everything, but wiping my eyes from laughing so hard I cried?

It's been a minute. 

I can't even remember. I think it was certain SNL skits a couple of times (NOT this season) in the past 10 years.

(BTW, what's missing this season from SNL are the OTT impressions of people, which made the show, and its actors, famous.  Nobody in this cast is apparently capable of doing them?)

So then we started to talk about who made us laugh until we cried, each decade.

1970s

Carol Burnett.

Tim Conway.

Lily Tomlin

Red Foxx

Flip Wilson

Phyllis Diller

Paul Lynde

Monty Python cast (John Cleese, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, Michael Palin)

The entire original SNL cast (John Belushi, Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Gilda Radner, Garrett Morris,  Jane Curtin, Chevy Case, and Larraine Newman).

Richard Pryor

Gene Wilder

George Carlin

Andy Kaufmann

Woody Allen

Diane Keaton

Tim Curry

Charles Grodin

Mel Brooks

Madeline Kahn

Alan Alda

Polly Holliday

Danny Devito

Steve Martin

Bill Cosby

Bette Midler

Robin Williams

SCTV cast (John Candy, Martin Short, Rick Moranis, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Dave Thomas, Joe Flaherty)

1980s

Eddie Murphy

Robin Williams

Bill Murray

John Belushi and Dan Akroyd

Chevy Chase

Goldie Hawn

Charles Grodin

Lily Tomlin

Bette Midler

Billy Crystal

Robin Williams 

Whoopi Goldberg

George Carlin

Jerry Seinfeld

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Bill Cosby 

Tom Hanks

Michael Keaton

Leslie Neilson

John Candy

Rick Moranis

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Danny Devito

Dana Carvey

Kevin Nealon

Dennis Miller

Al Franken

Phil Hartman

Nora Dunn

Jan Hooks

Billy Connolly

Roseanne Barr

John Goodman

Ted Danson

Woody Harrelson

Kirstie Alley

Michael J. Fox

Bruce Willis

Matthew Broderick

Anthony Michael Hall

John Cusack

The Kids in the Hall cast (Dave Foley, Mark McKinney, Kevin McDonald, Scott Thompson, Bruce McCullough)

Christopher Guest

Fred Willard

Martin Mull

Michael McKean

Harry Shearer

Bette Midler

1990s

Eddie Murphy

Robin Williams

Billy Crystal

Whoopi Goldberg

Jerry Seinfeld

Martin Lawrence

Jim Carrey

Adam Sandler

Chris Farley

David Spade

Mike Myers

Dana Carvey

Will Ferrell

Molly Shannon

Ana Gasteyer

Nora Dunn

Jan Hooks

Norm MacDonald

Kevin Nealon

Phil Hartman

Sarah Silverman

Rosie O' Donnell

Chris Rock

Ellen Degeneres

Roseanne Barr

John Goodman

Fran Drescher

Jeff Bridges

Steve Buscemi

Kelsey Grammer

Friends cast - Matthew Perry, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer, Matt LeBlanc

The Wayans brothers (Damon, Keenan-Ivory, Marlon, and Shawn)

David Allen Grier

Tommy Davidson

Martin Lawrence

Margaret Cho

Janeane Garofalo

Brett Butler

John Lithgow

Jane Curtin

French Stewart

Kristen Johnson

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Christopher Guest

Michael McKean

Harry Schearer

Eugene Levy

Catherine O'Hara

Parker Posey

Fred Willard 

Martin Mull

Conan O'Brien

Kevin James

Danny McBride

2000s

Jim Carrey

Robin Williams

Dave Chappelle

Sasha Baron Cohen

Mad TV cast (Nicole Sullivan, Michael McDonald, Stephanie Weir, Alex Borstein, Debra Wilson, Will Sasso)

Friends cast - Matthew Perry, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer, Matt LeBlanc

Jack Black

Adam Sandler

Drew Barrymore

Reese Witherspoon

Ellen Degeneres

Jon Stewart

Stephen Colbert

Conan O'Brien

Will Ferrell

John C. Reilly

Ben Stiller

Vince Vaughn

Owen Wilson

Steve Carell

Chris Rock

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Will Arnett

Maya Rudolph

Jimmy Fallon

Seth Meyers

Megan Mullalley

Sean Hayes

Ryan Reynolds

Jimmy Kimmel

Jason Bateman

Kevin James

Tracy Morgan

Andy Samberg

Kristen Wiig

Maya Rudolph

Bill Hader

Fred Armisen

Jason Sudeikis

Dane Cook

Taran Gillam

Jamie Foxx

Seth Rogen 

James Franco

Paul Rudd

Jonah Hill

Jason Segal

Zach Galifianakis

Ed Helms

Ken Jeong

Bradley Cooper

Neil Patrick Harris

Danny McBride

Jason Bateman

Jeffrey Tambor

Michael Cera

Jane Lynch

Eugene Levy

Catherine O'Hara

Parker Posey

Jennifer Coolidge 

Simon Pegg

Nick Frost

2010s

Ryan Reynolds

Kevin Hart

Ricky Gervais

Sasha Baron Cohen

Melissa McCarthy

Ellen Degeneres

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Andy Samberg

Jack Black

Jamie Foxx

Wanda Sykes

Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Kimmel

Stephen Colbert

John Mulaney

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Alec Baldwin

Tracy Morgan

Chris Pratt

Nick Offerman

Patton Oswalt

Aziz Ansari 

Aubrey Plaza

Seth Meyers

Fred Armisen

Jason Sudeikis

Conan O'Brien

Bill Hader

Henry Winkler

Dax Shepard

Kristen Bell

Steve Carrell

Seth Rogen 

James Franco

Paul Rudd

Jonah Hill

Zach Galifianakis

Ed Helms

Bradley Cooper

Ken Jeong

Danny McBride

John Mulaney

Bill Burr

Rebel Wilson

Key & Peele (Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele)

Ty Burrell

Julie Bowen

Eric Stonestreet

Jessie Tyler Ferguson

Sofia Vergara

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Tiffany Haddish

Issa Rae

Ali Wong

Kumail Nanjiani

2020s

Most of the following have made me laugh out loud, by not so much to tears, with the exception of Melissa McCarthy, several episodes of Ted Lasso, Schitt's Creek, Jennifer Coolidge, Parker Posey, and Nate Bargatze's skits on SNL (and some of his standup).

(Also, I don't care for Bill Burr or Shane Gillis, but they did make me laugh out loud a time or two; regardless, they both are hot right now.)

Ryan Reynolds

Kevin Hart

Paul Rudd

John Mulaney

Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Kimmel

Stephen Colbert

Dan Levy

Eugene Levy

Catherine O'Hara

Awkwafina

Zack Galifianakis

"Ted Lasso" cast (Jason Sudeikis, Brendan Hunt, Brett Goldstein, Hannah Waddingham, Juno Temple, Jeremy Swift, Nick Mohammed, Phil Dunster, Cristo Fernandez, James Lance)

Aubrey Plaza

Jennifer Coolidge

Parker Posey

Wanda Sykes

Righteous Gemstones cast (Danny McBride, Walton Goggins, John Goodman, Adam Devine, Tony Cavallero, Edi Patterson, Tim Baltz)

Aziz Ansari

Pete Davidson

Issa Rae

Nate Bargatze

Leeanne Morgan

Taylor Tomlinson

Ali Wong 

Michelle Buteau

Fortune Feimster

Michael Cera

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Adam Sandler (and the Sandler family).

Hannah Einbinder

Jean Smart

"Abbott Elementary" cast (Quinta Brunson, Tyler James Williams, Sheryl Lee Ralph, Lisa Anne Walter, Janelle James, Chris Perfetti, William Stanford Davis)

"Ghosts" cast (Rose McIvor,  Utkarsh Ambudkar, Brandon Scott Jones, Devan Chandler Long, Richie Moriarty, Rebecca Wisocky, Sheila Carrasco, Roman Zaragosa, Danielle Pinnock, Asher Grodman, Betsy Sodaro)

"What We Do In The Shadows" cast ( Kayvan Novak, Matt Berry, Natasia Demetriou, Harvey Guillén, Mark Proksch, and Kristen Schaal."

Tiffany Haddish

Kumail Nanjiani

Shane Gillis

Bill Burr

___________________________

PS - I have just submitted my transcript to the University of Cincinnati, for the Online Oncology Registrar Program, so wish me luck?

My prior cumulative GPA of 3.77 will probably get me in, no issue there - the problem is the finances needed. I was going to delay this a term, after Mark retires, but have decided to go ahead, so we shall see.

"Lead Me On" - Amy Grant

 

A couple of weeks ago, I was really struggling and confused in my faith, realizing much of what was tripping me up was my spiritual mom, Marian, was killed, after being hit head on by a drunk driver, literally coming home from church, two years ago. 

In fact, over the past week, I said out loud, for the first time in my life ...

"There is no God. God has never helped me in any meaningful way, and the worst stuff happened when I thought I was the closest to God, and there was no justice." 

"Regardless. I forgive anyway. I refuse to get bitter or catch whatever disease they're suffering from that causes them to do these things, lest I be just like them." 

"I try to make something good out of bad things that happened to me by being the support person I didn't have, showing them the kindness, mercy, benefit of the doubt, and basic common courtesy I should've received."  

 

"Because the unfortunate truth is, power wins despite truth. Those with even a little more power than you will win, every time - as will the best liars, manipulators, cheaters, and power abusers, often flipping things back on you and playing the false victim - even though that makes no sense, when you look at the power dynamics in the group." 

 

"For example, right now, our country is demonizing, villainizing, and scapegoating the poorest and most powerless groups in our society as being to blame for all country's  ills - immigrants, the homeless, and people of color."  

"They have no money OR power - and some are brand new immigrants, unable to speak the language, just trying to survive - they're the lowest people on the totem pole, but they caused all our country's problems versus those in power?" 

That make no sense!"  

"And if they dare speak up about it or fight back, even peacefully protest, that only gets flipped back on them and used as "proof" in reverse of why they were demonized in the first place. They're not even allowed to be mad and "should be grateful?" 

 

"And like I said yesterday with the Epstein-Trump email situation, some people will STILL believe what they want to believe versus what's right there in black and white, some of them refusing to even look at it because it doesn't support what they need to believe."  

"If they do look, it'll be with rose-colored glasses on, making excuses  - whatever keeps them from looking at themselves and what they went along with/supported."   

 

"And for me personally, unfortunately, the people who've 'done me wrong' the most have been self-proclaimed Christians, usually white ones, 99.9% of the time, for whatever reason!"   

 

"So I have finally come to the conclusion that there is no God, and if he does exist, certainly seems to be there for some and not others, even one innocent child and not another, One child appeared to have a guardian angel, while the other's was MIA."  

"So you wonder if maybe Tennyson was right - some of us just aren't important, some of must be "children of a lesser God."

So I've been struggling with that again, the past couple of days because of something that happened.

And you can see my posts from that time, 2 weeks ago, but during them, I also mentioned that I failed to understand how slaves could still sing to God in those fields, suffering as they did, knowing they'd never be released and die a slave, usually in horrible ways, and never see justice.

Or that Jewish people could still believe in God at all, after 6 million of supposedly God's own chosen people were tortured exterminated.

So I keep kept asking myself ...

"How arrogant would it be of me, to think God would help and intervene in MY life, if he didn't 6 million of his own people and hundreds of thousands of people of color, as if I'm better or more important, when I'm not?

Then I watched a video behind the meaning behind New Orleans Jazz funerals (also see that post in that series) - and I understood.

They sang and believe because it's not about hope for justice, rescue, or deliverance in THIS life - they realize they will likely never see rescue or justice in their lifetime  - it's about release from how shitty this life can be for some people and hope for a better one.

As for me, I don't know where were go, after we die, I wish I did.

I do know that the 3rd law of thermodynamics/law of conservation says that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only transfer.

So our energy - especially conscious energy - has to go somewhere. 

Does it just disperse dissipate out into other life forms around us or does it go back to it's original source of energy, like turning off a computer or a dead one?

I don't know.

And I do know that the shitty things human beings do to each other, sometimes even other Christians, even sometimes in God's' name - wouldn't be God's fault, even if he does exist.

If it's true he gave us free will and promised not to revoke it, then he won't intervene - and the best that we can hope for he will help us withstand it.

And I understand that sometimes, because we AREN'T slaves or Jews in concentration camps, we do make free-will choices that aren't in our own best interest and there are consequences for that.

But also, though we aren't slaves of concentration camp residents, those of us who weren't lucky enough to be born into privilege and have no power and/or don't have healthy families, we tend to get just shit on more, used, and abused more than most people, by the people who either do have more power or don't yet, but are willing to step  on you, just so that they can get it, knowing there's nothing you can do about it and no one will believe you.

Now - I used to think sometimes there were overly coincidental things during hard times that I wondered if they were from God.

I think some people call them "God winks?"

I call them "Cookies from God."

Like "I see what's happening to you and it sucks, it's wrong, and I can't intervene because of free will, but I saw it, I'm here. Here's a cookie" 😂

And sometimes I thought things were God winks or God letting me know he saw and cared, only to find out in horrible ways they were SO not. 

Then again, my former priest (Episcopalian) would say ...

"Sometimes God DOES give gifts to sustain you - but just like CS Lewis said in The Screwtape Letters when you are consciously trying to put good out into this world - or when good and light are being done anywhere - rest assured evil and darkness will be drawn to it and find a way in somehow, trying to destroy it, to make sure good doesn't happen. Sometimes it uses even ordinarily good people in poor or selfish moments to accomplish it, unaware. "

(That's not a direct quote from CS Lewis OR my priest, btw, just the gist.)

That was a female priest by the way, who no longer leads a church and counsels at the VA, after religion and right-wing politics became so closely linked in our area. 

Regardless, cookies aren't enough - I need a full dinner.

And they have been few and far between anyway.

So I can't sing about the provisions and gifts from God, I'm sorry.

I can't sing about truth or justice prevailing or deliverance in my own lifetime.

But what I can do is sing about the truth being revealed someday, even if it's after I'm gone.

I can sing about hoping that after this life, there's a better one?

I know that the 3 or 4 friends or family regularly reading this blog must be like "What's with the old 80s Amy Grant stuff lately? 😂

So those of you who know me well, know that I used to sing - but haven't for a very long time - and it was often Amy Grant.

That is because Amy Grant's songs of faith comforted and carried me through a horrific childhood.

So this song, written by Michael W. Smith for Amy Grant, is about the slaves and Jews, still singing to God in the hopes of justice and deliverance from this life.

It's singing for the hope, faith, that God will hold you up until your time, then lead you to that light after death.

LYRICS: 

Shoulder to the wheel
For someone else's selfish gain
Here there is no choosing
Working the clay
Wearing their anger like a ball and chain.

Fire in the field
Underneath a blazing sun
But soon the sun was faded
And freedom was a song
I heard them singing when the day was done
Singing to the holy One.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.

Waiting for the train
Labeled with a golden star
Heavy hearted boarding
Whispers in the dark
"Where are we going, is it very far?"

Bitter cold terrain
Echoes of a slamming door
In chambers made for sleeping, forever
Voices like thunder in a mighty roar
Crying to the Lord.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.

Man hurts man
Time and time, time again
And we drown in the wake of our power
Somebody tell me whyyyyy?

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.

LEAD ON!

Epstein's 2011 Emails To Trump, Released Today ...

Whooaa - bombshell! 

The House Oversight Committee obtained emails from Epstein to Trump from Epstein's estate - and they are damning!

Trump was at Epstein's house for hours with a known victim present?

Epstein called him "The dog who won't bark?" (Meaning Trump won't tell on him.)

Trump asking him to stop trafficking young girls shortly before they parted ways, but never told authorities?

WOW, is it my birthday? 😂

Because I've been trying to tell people about this and the strange comments Trump made in New York Magazine in October 2002 about his buddy, Epstein, since Trump's first campaign in 2015, but  few would listen! 

And here was the most damning quote from Trump about Epstein, indicating that Trump knew ...

"He likes beautiful women beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side."

That was hint enough - but these emails are smoking-gun, proving Trump knew - and never told the authorities!

Now - what these emails do NOT definitively prove, is whether  Epstein meant Trump sexually engaged with the victim himself - because the subject matter was possible witnesses called. 

So it could just mean they were discussing whether Trump would be called as a witness or not, because he was there for hours once. 

BTW, the victim is the late Virginia Giuffre, who said Trump was never inappropriate with her.

Then again, Virginia also claimed she was drugged at times, so who knows?

Do I believe it's possible Trump was with minors, too, just not Giuffre?

It's possible - I'm just saying this email doesn't prove he was with Giuffre, just that he was present and knew.

I'm sure Trump will call it fake news or say Democrats fabricated it because it was Dems on the House Oversight Committee who released it to the press.

However, there are also Republicans on this committee, and thus far, they've been silent. 

Fox News has been silent.

Trump himself has been silent. 

I know that politicians are some duplicitous people, but there are many people on both sides of politics who can't stomach trafficking of children - I'd like to think the Republicans on this committee don't have souls THAT dark to cover for him on this one.

Regardless, here's the funny thing about evidence and fact - you have to be willing to actually view it, despite their beliefs  - and if so, without wearing rose-colored glasses, eyes wide open, no excuses?

In other words, since we know biased belief often "trumps" fact, (pun intended) - who will actually view the evidence, without rose-colored glasses on?

It takes tremendous bravery to challenge your belief system, get over your bias and cognitive dissonance to see truth (I know because I've done it) - which is terrifying for most people, too much for the ego/psyche.

Because what they're scared of is not just finding out everything they previously believed is a lie, but in cases like these, they're scared supporting someone capable of these things also means they were somehow complicit.

No - supporting someone who turned out to be a monster does NOT automatically mean you were complicit. 

It usually means you were fooled by a good manipulator..

And being fooled doesn't mean you're stupid, either - it means your good heart trusted a good manipulator - period.

Should you have listened more to the other side and paid attention more to red flags?

Yup - but that still doesn't mean you were complicit.

Super interesting this happened today, for reasons I'll keep to myself.

But it does give me hope regarding that personal situation.

Sometimes it takes a really long time for the truth to come out, but it always does - sometimes long after were gone, yes - but it always does.

And yet some people will still continue to believe what they want to believe despite fact and truth. Nothing you can do about that

Speaking of which, I had a couple of posts on here about my personal life, but I was getting 20 to 25 hits a day only on certain posts, all from the same geolocation in the U.S. and I started to got a little creeped out. 

NOT because what I said wasn't true, it most certainly is - but just to avoid a problem with them (even though I never named names or gave details that would give away where this was happening.)

(No, it's not Mark or any of my family.)

Few read here anyway, or even know about this blog, and I'm not on social media, so that's why the hits were kind of telltale about who it was. 

I'm thinking to myself, "Considering the history here, what are they doing specifically on these posts 20 to 25 times a day, what are they looking for? Ways to try to manipulate me again, back into their good graces?  Something they can use against me? Regardless, 20 to 25 times a day is a little obsessive - yikes!"

Then I decided - whatever.

I have nothing to hide and hiding my blog looks guilty.And I'm not changing who I am anymore to placate/appease this person just to keep them from going off on me again,  I've walked on eggshells enough.

I did park the last few posts about it in draft - not because they're not true or I said something awful - but just to avoid future problems and as a signal I want to move on.

Because I began blogging at a time where I had no say and no voice in my life - and I'm not about to give it up now or feel bullied out of that, too.

You play your games elsewhere if you want, but this is MY house.

So I'm back 😂

Onwards and upwards ...

What I Say When Other Christians Ask Why I Don't Support Trump ...

* Edited to add this prologue ... supporting Trump should NOT be used as some sort of prerequisite test of Christianity. 

In my face-to-face life, I usually don't talk about politics with people I'm not close to, unless asked -- but living in Kentucky, I am asked, more than you'd think.

There are a plethora of reasons I don't support Trump and haven't since the beginning, but when asked from a Christian perspective, trying to boil it down to one sentence, my reply typically goes like this ...

"He's too greedy and selfish -  and I think his support for Christianity is insincere. In fact, I think he's using Christians just as much as the wrong kind of Christians are using him."

 

That is usually met with silence.

Not because they don't have a reply, but just because they usually haven't thought about it and need processing time.

Then there is the exception where some know full well what kind of man Trump is, but call him the "imperfect messenger" as justification excuse for using him to push their agenda and vice versa.

If they do push back, I will say ....

"Neither God nor Christ would ever appeal to your fear, hatred, greed, and selfishness to gain control."

There is typically nothing they can say after that -  then I change the subject 😂

One person pushed further and said "But ... but ... sometimes God gets tough."

I say ...

"Sure - but we need to be sure we're not confusing what God or Christ would do versus what we think should be done, in his name. Are you sure? 

"I'm not, I can't speak for God. However, what I can see for myself is nearly everything Trump says and does is the opposite of what Christ said and did scripturally."

*Crickets.*

I doubt I've changed anyone's mind, but they had to think about it for a second, anyway 😂

In short, what's missing from Trump and Christian Nationalists is -  the compassion, mercy, and love of Christ.

What About The Love? - Amy Grant (written by Janis Ian)

I went to see my sister
She was staying with a friend
Who had turned into a preacher
To save the world from sin

He said, "First deny your body
And then learn to submit
Pray to be made worthy
And tithe your ten percent"


I said, "Is this all there is
Just the letter of the law?"
Something's wrong


I went to see my brother
On the 32nd floor
Of a building down on Wall Street
You could hear the future's roar


He said, "Here we make decisions
And we trade commodities
If you tell me where there's famine
I can make you guarantees"


I said, "Is this all there is
Power to the strong?"
Something's wrong


Something's wrong in heaven tonight
You can almost hear them cry
Angels to the left and the right
Saying, "What about the love?
What about the love?
What about the love?"


I went to see my neighbor
He'd been taken to a home
For the weak and the discarded
Who have no place to go


He said, "Here I lack for nothing
I am fed and I am clothed
But at times I miss the freedom
I used to know"


I said, "Is this all there is
When your usefulness is gone?"
Something's wrong


Something's wrong in heaven tonight (Something's wrong)
You can almost hear them cry (Cry)
Angels to the left and the right
Saying, "What about the love?
What about the love?
What about the love?"


I looked into the mirror, (Yeah)
Proud as I could be, (Yeah)
And I saw my pointing finger (Yeah)
Pointing back at me,

Saying, "Who named you accuser? (Yeah)
Who gave you the scales?" (Yeah)
I hung my head in sorrow; (Yeah)
I could almost feel the nails


I said, "This is how it is
To be crucified and judged
Without love"


Something's wrong in heaven tonight (Something's wrong)
You can almost hear them cry(Cry)
Angels to the left and the right
Saying, "What about the love?
What about the love?
What about the love of God?"


Something's wrong in heaven tonight. (Something's wrong)
You can almost hear them cry (Cry)
Angels to the left and the right,
Saying, "What about the love?"
What about the love?
What about the love of God?"

Speaking of Firsts ...

 

Wow, what an election night!

New York City has its first Indian, Shia Muslim and Hindu mayor, Zohran Mamdani (D). He  is also a legal immigrant.

Virginia has its first female governor,  Abigail Spanberger (moderate D), flipping the state back to blue.

Detroit has its first female mayor, Mary Sheffield (D) - who is also a person of color..*

Cincinnati has its first Indian/Asian-American mayor, Aftab Pureval (D) - his personal faith is unknown, but his father is Hindu and his mother is Tibetan Buddhist*

* The NYT has the last two listed as "nonpartisan" and I'm not sure why. They were/are Democrats.

Lots of speculation as to why, which I'm sure will be analyzed further, but for now, I think here's what we can safely say is fact ...

1) When Trump himself is not on the ballot, Democrats fare better.

2) Despite the push to remove DEI policies from government institutions and businesses, the people have spoken - and they don't care about what gender, skin color, ethnicity, or religion a candidate is, they just want the best candidate and change.  

*But don't get it twisted - this should NOT be confused with voting for them because of their gender, race, ethnicity, or faith.*

I suppose something might be said for the fact that the cost of living keeps increasing, which Trump supporters hoped would change under Trump (Really? Despite his personal greediness and selfishness?)

Or disliking authoritarian-dictator-style leadership, whether it comes from the right (fascist) or the left (communist).

But we have to delve into that more to see before we can pronounce it fact.

Otherwise, I have nothing to say about California redistricting (gerrymandering). I mean, I know it's in response to the mass Republican gerrymandering going on elsewhere, but I don't dig gerrymandering in general, and I think this is stooping to their level.

Regardless, you feel us, Trump?

The people themselves have spoken.

We won't be silenced. We just get louder. 😊 

RIP, Martha Layne Collins, Kentucky's First (And Only) Female Governor ...

*Edited, content added

...  passed yesterday at the age of 88 in her sleep - literally just down the street from me at Richmond Place Assisted-Living/Skilled Nursing Facility.

Can you believe a Democrat woman was governor of our State of Kentucky in the 1980s? 

That she was only the 3rd female governor in history in the United States at that time (1983 to 1987)? 

That she - a female Democrat governor - was responsible for bringing the Georgetown Toyota plant and thousands of jobs to our state. which was faltering economically due to decline in the coal business, essentially saving us? 

Not only that, but the Japanese company, Toyota, was historically male-only and family led, at the time.

How did she do it?

By working with landowners in Georgetown to a deal they all agreed upon, offering discounts and tax incentives, and giving Toyota a huge deal on land purchase, knowing it would pay off in the long run.

But other states "courting" Toyota did this, too, so why her, why Kentucky?

Because her diplomacy skills are legendary.

She studied, observed, and respected their customs rather than expecting them to assimilate to ours.

Toyota's assembly-line manufacturing process is well known to be the most efficient in the world, also resulting in the highest quality for mass-produced vehicles.

You don't mess with that proven model, you follow it. You get over your American superiority and invincibility complex and adopt their process - not vice versa.

She also was very warm and welcoming, making people feel like honored guests, anticipating their every whim, before they asked.

In fact, anticipating needs and diplomacy is one area where women may actually have a socialized advantage over men (of course, not ALL women or ALL men 😉)

But she could be tough when she needed to be, too - she could say no. She just did it with a sweet Southern accent and a smile on her face 😂

Republicans - in awe of what she accomplished - tried to find something illegal in what she did (despite the fact that this is exactly what they would do, still do, and way worse/illegal - Trump?) - and actually tried to take her to court over the deals she made in Georgetown, as well as congressional inquiry into her spending on Toyota's visits - but nothing she did was illegal - so she won!

She knew it would pay off for everyone - and it did. 😊

Not only is Toyota itself the biggest moneymaker in the state now, but there are several "tier-1" pipeline supplier companies for specific parts that popped up alll around it, also making money and providing jobs. 

Also, as a former teacher, she pushed the state for more funding for educational reform and higher teacher salaries and better benefits -  and received it!

And she would have won again, had Kentucky allowed 2 terms for governors at that time (which we do now). 

She also fixed/leveled out what was formerly known as "death hill" - the curved hill of I-75 that led down to the Ohio River on the Kentucky side, just before reaching the bridges to Cincinnati. 

It's still curved and a little steep - it has to be somewhat to get down and across the river -  but it used to be super steep - so people would speed down that hill and around that curve, and go right off that cliff to the right!

In fact, I remember as a kid, my older sister and I would hold our hands up like it was a roller coaster, coming back home to Cincy from our grandparents, because it was sort of fun, but also scary! 😂

(And this was at a time when the speed limit was lower, only 55. Now that it's higher, even though the hill has been leveled out, it is still called "death hill" because the speed increase has again raised the number of accidents there.)

Now - on the negative side, her husband - a dentist - made some crooked "pay-to-play" business dealings with contractors, essentially misleading them to believe they had his wife's blessing and would be paid by the state in exchange for political backing, which did not happen. 

Martha was neither implicated nor charged, and it is unclear if she knew, but I understand why people would think she did - plus she stayed married to him. 

But as far as Martha herself, there is big difference in offering huge discounts to secure business that will be a win-win for everybody in the future versus pay-to-play schemes (which have unfortunately become commonplace in today's politics).

Regardless, she became very quiet politically after leaving office, focusing on educational improvements. 

Personally, I never heard a bad word about Martha Layne Collins from either Democrats OR Republicans.

I heard grumbling before she took office - the usual-subject misogynists - but not afterwards.

Because she brought Toyota and thousands of new jobs to our state - period - a feat even supposedly business-minded Republican men before and after her couldn't accomplish. 

In fact, no man from either party accomplished such a feat before or since, with the next closest being our current governor, (D) Andy Beshear, bringing SV automotive electric battery manufacturing here a couple of years ago.

 Even "never-a-woman-in-charge" type of men had to admit she was exceptional - of course, considering her an "exception to the rule" stereotype of women - but at least it was a start? 😂

Only to be later undone in the Trump era. 😏

Speaking of, in a time where we have returned to maligning women, Democrats, and anyone else who isn't a white-male Christian - the definition of Christianity and morality once again reverting again back to being almost exclusively reproductive/gender standards VS Christ's definition - her death and legacy should remind us of what is possible again.

She is testament to what the right candidate can accomplish on behalf of those they govern - regardless of gender, race, religion, or political party - either those of the candidate or those they govern. 

Because a good leader can and should lead everyone - work for the common good for all and strive towards unity. 

Put that in your tacky faux-gold pipe and smoke it, Trump!