Quick Lighter Note

Audio post - Just to prove that I'm okay after writing all of that out stream-of-consciousness (which I'll thus be editing for a while) and that my sense of humor is still intact - which you need as a coping skill to deal with this sh*t  😂

So we are getting gas after dashing, dropping off food from a popular local sports bar full of affluent white people. 

The “band” was shout-singing “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol in a 1000 square-foot  room - on acoustic guitars.

Sixty-year-olds, fist-pumping the air -  to Billy Idol’s Rebel Yell  - on acoustic guitars. 😂

I thought I was in a Saturday Night Live parody. 

I had to weave through about 20 drunken old white men in Ralph Lauren and Tommy  Hilfiger, shouting their golf games at each other in order to be heard over the millennial Billy Idol folk singer, to get the food.

I guess this is what passes for getting crazy on a Saturday night to aging Trumpers? 😂

I barely made it out alive or without hurting anyone myself lol. Thank you. That is all.

"Knives" Out Part IV: Actual Timeline VS. Fantasy Timeline - and the Dorothy Doll

 

*Editing in process

This post may be my last post for awhile. 

I wrote it out stream-of-consciousness, when elements popped into my head that I'd forgotten until I sat down to write it out. Thus, I may be editing it for a while.

So I started my original blog in 2005, at a time in my life when I had no voice.  I didn't publicly speak about what was going on in my personal life at first, just practicing writing, which is also a part of myself I had lost. 

I have since occasionally triggered on here when certain things happened, and for that, I was wrong/apologized - but never written out the full truth or the full timeline.

However, I have recently decided to write out everything - all the full secrets I held onto for years to spare those in the middle pressure and pain - only while NOT triggered.

Yes, it began on my daughter's birthday  - but if it were just due to  that, then I would've done this a lot sooner.

No, I'm doing this because holding onto these secrets to spare others in the middle the full truth for so long has been to my own detriment.

(Also, rest assured, Family - I am not in contact with the "other" family - I realized that's just not a good idea for many reasons - so this has nothing to do with them, either.)

I'm not sure who I was protecting anyway - or that I was protecting them from the right things, particularly consequences of their own choices.

Because the fact is, had certain people not done what they did, then no one would HAVE to keep secrets OR talk about it.

AND nobody else should be experiencing the pain, shame, and consequences of those choices but those people themselves. 

I have been asked not to say this or that, do this or that, to avoid upsetting this fragile person, angry person, or unstable person. 

So I didn't and still won't in f2f life, so they won't know, unless they chose to read this post.

And yet has a single one of you ever said "Maybe we shouldn't do this, it will hurt HER/upset HER/make HER mad?" 

Nope - as if I'm not part of the family, too. 

And do you know why you view me as not really being part of your family? 

Certainly not because I chose it myself, though I have asked for distance now.

Might I advise you to read more on dysfunctional systems theory, especially as it applies to severely dysfunctional families?

Because the short answer is, it's because my assigned role in our severely dysfunctional family as the family scapegoat.

Scapegoating happens when 1 member of the group or the minority is seen as being different in some way. 

Not always different in a "bad" way, like being overweight, quiet, sensitive, which are traits which are (mis)perceived as being "weak" in society - sometimes it's just because they are the new person, have a different skin color or faith, or because they don't go along with the mob and spoke up. Sometimes it's even for a "good"  reason, and done out of jealousy.

But it is always the powerless minority. 

As for me, in my family - I became the scapegoat because I was shy,  weird, perceived as fragile, yes  - but mostly because I'm that kid who eventually stopped pretending emperors wear clothes and started speaking up.

Now - that story doesn't say what happened to that kid afterwards, but I'm pretty sure everybody didn't just suddenly say:  "Oh, you're right, the emperor IS naked, we've been so blind, we're sorry" 

In fact, they most likely first tried to gaslight the shit out of him lol. And if that didn't work, they just tried to shut him up by convincing everyone else he was crazy to discredit him. 

If all else failed, then they likely took him out back and kicked the living shit out of him, exiled him, or maybe even killed him, all to avoid facing truth themselves.

On a larger societal scale, we know what happens when scapegoating goes unchecked for too long from history.

Most recently, with the Nazis -  and we're headed that way again currently, with people of color and/or undocumented Latinos and other immigrants.

They are blamed for all society's ills, objectified into being inferior, criminal, subhuman, or even "alien," thus deserving is treatment, abuse, or even death, without empathy.

However, as we've also learned in history with scapegoating, the monsters weren't the Jews -  the monsters were the Nazis themselves - projecting all of their own motivations onto them. 

What's weird about the Nazis was, they were very kind and expressed empathy with each other, but "suspended" their empathy for certain groups deemed inferior - especially Jews.

What does that make those who stood by and said/did nothing or enabled the Nazis? 

Truth is, I don't know the answer to that - not monsters, but not innocent, either - Cowards? Complicit?

And were the Nazis sorry later?

No - Nazi remorse was extremely rare, most kept believing the Jews and others they tortured and kill deserved it until their own deaths.

Even non-Nazi Germans - not German resistance, but families of SS or Nazi-supporting everyday citizens  - when forced to walk by mass graves and through the concentration camps, they covered their eyes and refused to believe it, or even look at what they'd gone along with - too threatening to the psyche.

All of this to say, dysfunctional groups are in such deep denial that they will likely never see truth, and even if they do, admit it or apologize -again, too threatening to the psyche.

Now, back to being the scapegoat  in my family, please don't mistake writing out the full story here as not having forgiven them, I have - and I still love them and have empathy for them. 

In fact, forgiveness as a way of freeing yourself from bitterness and hatred was a little trick my Jewish friends taught me many years ago.

What I need is freedom from now is the pain and the same - and from being the only one daily living in the consequences of choices other people made.

What it means is, I have learned to stop devaluing me in the same way they did.

It means I will no longer pretend in order to spare others pain or shame that they should be feeling, not me,

It means I've finally learned to love and value myself just as much as I love and value them. 😊

Thus, this will be my last post on this subject - the remaining timeline that I've not yet mentioned. 

*The exact dates appearing on the timeline are signed and dated documents for proof.

_____________________________________________________

November 2005 - I broke my lease in Florida with a police report, after police caught Jon stalking themselves, outside my home, after apparently a neighbor called police.

I ran back here to create geographical distance, and began seeking a divorce with Domestic Violence from here. I rented a U-Haul and  McKenna and I threw in all our clothes, our dog and cat, and Granny's cabinet - and that's all we had. 

May 2006 - The medical transcription company I remotely worked for since 2000, Transcend, began transitioning all work to India. 

I worked temporary jobs, waiting for a permanent position in transcription again - but outsourcing was the trend at that time and many companies were declaring bankruptcy, unable to compete with offshore labor.

June 2006 - Granny was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. 

2006 - Various Dates:

She told me that she'd like her will changed, because she feared that when Mom went off the rails, she'd spend it all, but she didn't want to hurt her with this, and asked me what to do?

(My mom's bipolar binge is spending sprees she doesn't remember later.)

I said I wondered if it was possible for all of 5 adult children and grandchildren - Mom, and her children -  Kim, her husband,  Matthew, Ruthie, and myself - have equal share BUT no one can spend even a dime without the consent of the other.

 

That way, Mom will never know it's to safeguard it from bipolar binge, it can just look like nobody can spend it without the others consent, which is probably a good idea anyway.

She said that was a great idea and called her estate attorney.

Her estate attorney asked who she wanted as executor and Power of Attorney. 

So we had a family meeting. My mom said she didn't want to be, which was a relief. Kim nominated herself. 

Ruthie and I also said we didn't want to be Estate Executor and Power of Attorney, either - Ruthie was in Atlanta and I was battling my ex in court already. 

Thus, we all voted that Kim should be executor - fully trusting her, at the time.

Other than that, everyone in the immediate family essentially ...  disappeared, with the exception of holiday visits.

They claimed they were having a hard time dealing with Granny's diagnosis, which I understood - at first. 

I, on the other hand, had no choice but to deal with it head on, on a daily basis. 

There were other family, friends, and neighbors around asking to help when they could - just not my mom or my sisters. 

Kim did come in for July 4th with a new mattress and duvet for Granny, then promptly left, saying she can't deal with sick stuff.

Thus, Kim and I made a verbal deal that I would deal with all Granny's healthcare and she would handle the legal stuff.

Granny and I spent the next few months fulfilling her bucket list. 

One of those things on her bucket list she became a bit frantic about. It was finding the Dorothy doll from McDonald's "Gone With the Wind" collection. We had all the other dolls but that elusiveDorothy lol.

Now, I know that's a problematic movie - but you also have to understand that they had never seen anything like that, at the time - the first movie in color, transitioning from black-and-white film to technicolor during the film itself - and that transition appeared like magic to them, especially seeing it in actual theaters.

My grandmother just needed to see and feel a little magic again. 🥲

But what I couldn't understand at first was why she was so frantic about it, until she kept wringing her hands and saying "We HAVE to find Dorothy. She can't disappear! She's still here somewhere, Please find her."

Then I finally understood why - Dorothy was her.

Okay, wait - quick aside.

Just after I wrote that, I thought of the big DNA reveal in 2022.

So was Dorothy her, or was Dorothy... Rita?

That's stupid, right? 

Because I am 100% sure that she didn't consciously know about the mix-up, and that if she had, she would've done anything she could about it.

Then again, maternal instincts ARE real, the strongest "animal" sense we have. Things smell stronger, taste stronger, and we can often sense danger before others do, while pregnant or just after birth - so DID she sense something was off? 

Hospice people will tell you weird shit happens starting months before people die.  They talk to dead relatives that they hallucinate, even when not on pain meds.

Scientifically, the theory is this is caused by either pain meds or brain chemicals being released beginning months before death.

Spiritually, other people believe they are paranormal - that they really ARE seeing these relatives and angels shortly before death that tell them things - sometimes things these believers claim no one knew about, including the patient themselves. Other times, the hallucinations are not as pleasant, which are also attributed to brain chemical release or unresolved guilt "haunting" them.

Regardless, since we can't prove the above question, we don't know - so let's go with what we DO know and CAN prove - Occam's razor, the simplest explanation is the best - which is Dorothy represented  Granny herself.

Back to the timeline ...

I once offered someone my entire paycheck of $500 for the Dorothy doll to complete the set - but they refused lol.

Finally, I put out essentially an APB for all local McDonalds in a 60-mile radius to find a Dorothy doll for a Granny, dying of cancer, to fulfill her bucket list!

A manager in North Lexington called me and gave Granny her own personal Dorothy doll she'd set ahead for Granny.  😊

She was SO happy when I brought it home to her - she even cuddled it for hours.

In fact, we have a video of her, myself, and Ruthie playing dolls with her that Easter!  😂

We also planned her funeral (at her choice), which she was strangely excited about. She acted like she was planning a party lol. It gave her a strange amount of joy, which I figured was sorely needed.

I wrote the instructions down, which Granny kept, and then pulled them out just before she died.

The instructions were, I would write the obituary, Ruthie would sing, and Kim would do the casket flowers. Granny's pastor, Pastor Keith, would give the eulogy, as well as anyone else who wanted to. 

When my grandmother pulled it out not long before she died, my mom insisted her own pastor, Pastor Carl, give a co-eulogy. Kim wanted to write the obituary AND do the flowers.

But my said, fairly pointedly said, this is what SHE wanted - and she was never pointed about anything.

(However, my mom's pastor did end up also giving a co-eulogy because my Mom always gets what she wants.)

June 2006 - Granny refused the brand-new CyberKnife treatment,  which had just come to Lexington that year, which had a 50% chance of curing her, out of fear of procedures - and no amount of begging and pleading could convince her.

Jon had sobered up and had his substance-abuse counselor write me a letter, claiming he'd been sober for 6 months, he was sorry, and that he wanted to meet with me in person to apologize - and more importantly, help me with Granny because he knew my family wasn't. 

I called his counselor to confirm it was legit.

We initially spoke on the phone, and he did seem different and apologetic, but I still was hesitant.

We even took our kids to Kings Island - but there was always someone else around.

September 6, 2006 - I ignored my instincts - again - and met Jon alone at a midway point between Florida and here for an in-person apology on Labor Day, like an idiot. I told him I hadn't decided yet what to do about the divorce, he hadn't been sober long enough.  He said he owed me a money, which he did.

So I showed up - and let's just say, that was the biggest mistake of my life, trusting him again - because bad things happened - and in fact, it was a fluke that I even got away.

October 2006 -  Granny understandably collapsed on me, screaming and sobbing that she was going to die - realizing the reality of what the doctor confirmed that day - that since she refused CyberKnife in April, the adenocarcinoma was growing - and it would be less than 1 year now. 

In fact, I was an hour late picking my daughter up from school that day, and being that I was holding my grandmother sobbing, I couldn't call them and tell them why, nor could I tell my daughter what happened, it would scare her - so I just arrived an hour late, apologizing, telling her I got caught up at work (but I actually had come home early at Granny's request).

Early 2007, unclear date - Kim said she didn't trust Granny's estate attorney and changed it to one of her choosing.

June 2007 - Though very active and otherwise healthy and independent, Granny caught her foot on the sheet of her bed, fell out of bed, and broke her hip. 

She would need round-the-clock care, because her insurance said she was listed as hospice, so she couldn't receive rehabilitative services.

I called my sister and asked what to do, I couldn't work and do this and nobody could afford a full-time nurse - initially asking if she could come help me.

Kim said she and Matthew they couldn't leave their jobs in Chicago OR afford a full-time nurse -  but what they COULD do is pay me about $12 an hour for an 8-hour day -  so go ahead and put in my notice.

Granny was kept in a stepdown unit, while her doctor appealed to her insurance that care for the broken hip should be a part of her hospice palliative care - they can't just leave her there in pain from a broken hip. 

After 2 weeks of not hearing anything from Kim, I called and asked if they had forgotten I'd had to quit my job, and what to do.

Kim said that when she said that, she didn't think about the fact that I had agreed to take on all the debt of my marriage in exchange for Jon never contacting me again that I'd offered (though the divorce was on hold) - and she wasn't going to pay for that.

I said I neither asked nor expected her to - but what I did expect was the $12 per hour for an 8-hour day as she'd promised rather than hiring a full-time nurse, or I wouldn't have quit my job.

Then she accused me of trying to deter Granny from getting  CyberKnife treatment so that she could die and I'd get the money.

What the ???

I asked her if she'd gone to get that grief counseling she mentioned, because she must've completely lost her mind, or she's in the anger phase of accepting Granny's death and trying to blame someone, but I wasn't holding that bag of shit.

I told her I begged Granny to get the treatment likely more than anyone else because I actually lived with her. In fact, I nagged her daily about it, because there was only small window of time before it'd be too late, but she refused - but ultimately, it was her choice.

She said I should've forced her. 

I asked how - she was power of attorney, if anyone could force her, it would be her?

But nobody should be forcing anyone to go through any sort of treatment, it should be patient choice, even if we disagree.

Then she said it's my fault, I should've had a guardrail up, I wasn't taking good care of her, I was an incompetent idiot.

I said "You don't think I know that? You don't think the first thing I did was blame myself? Maybe I should have bought a guardrail up, but Granny is otherwise so healthy she could practically run to town and back, you know that yourself. In fact, she's still driving."

Then she went into a litany of how much I sucked, what I should be doing differently, etc.

I finally said "Kim? You have refused to come down here go give any actual physical care yourself, claiming fear of healthcare issues. I am taking care of her, my daughter, and getting a divorce and I need help, but none of you do. I am doing the best I can all by myself. And instead of asking me how you can help, you beat me up more, though I'm already beating myself up."

" So at this point, if you don't like it, then get your ass down here yourself and do it, rather than judging me from 500 miles away from your ivory tower in Chicago."

That went over well (not).

Then the insurance appeal went through, so rehabilitative services  after her broken hip were approved as a part of her palliative care and hospices, but only for a limited time, so she was able to get physical therapy and durable medical equipment, and she was moved to a short-term facility for these services.

Thus, I ran and quickly got another job at a local doctor's office, part time.

July 2007 - Granny called me and told me that Kim sent her some paperwork and had the will changed to exclude me, because she feared that since I was still married to Jon, Jon would try to get it.

She said she didn't say anything to Kim, she just signed it, but now she thought something might be wrong with it, and told me to call her old attorney and check.

I called her old attorney who said no, that's not possible.

At this point, I began to realize what was going on - my sister was trying to change the will Granny had just had finalized, which was making everyone equal primaries, unable to use a penny without the others' consent - to now exclude people over BS reasons - but why?

We all know she's a control freak, which is why we thought she'd be good as executor - but why was she doing this extreme stuff? 

Then I received 2 more calls that day, and was confronted by my own daughter, with a different story of why I was left off the will: 

"Kim just told us she had the will changed because in the original will, you had yourself in charge and threatened to have Mom committed."

I said:  "LOL! That's ridiculous. Oh, come on, you really believe I said that? First of all, you CAN'T commit anyone long term anymore unless it's a crime, you haven't been able to since 1988 - and I know that because of my Social Work Education, so there's no way I said that." 

"Secondly, please look at the previous will yourselves rather than taking Kim's word as gospel, because its says all 5 of us adults are equal primaries and that no one can spend a dime without the consent of the other. My God, she's lying to you!!!"

At this point, I realize my sister engaged in some war with me in her head that isn't going to happen, that she sees me as some sort of threat, and that I need to take the pressure off the rest of the family and prove to her I'm not.

But I called her directly and said "WTH? is going on, Kim? Jon can't get any money. Why did you take me off the will?  And you can't call me directly and tell me that, why? Because you know it's not possible. Why are you doing all this?"

"Fine, you're afraid I'm after money? Look, I'll do you one better - I just want to be primary caretaker because know Mom isn't stable enough, you're afraid of health stuff and live in Chicago, Ruthie lives in Atlanta. I just want to be here when she closes here eyes and care for her as she has for me. I will sign whatever you want me to sign to prove it - I will relinquish all rights to any part of the estate."

Thus, she had a legal document drawn up forfeiting all rights to the estate, which needed to be signed by a witness (my cousin, Martha) - and I signed it without hesitation.

My sister and her husband came down to collect it, plus the deed to the house and farm to give to the attorney, who had to be present to sign some other documents in person, at her rehabilitation unit room.

Granny told me where the deed was, so I found it and brought the deed, and my estate rights relinquishment form.

Kim took the deed, but said I needed to hold onto the relinquishment form until the attorney arrived, because he has to ask me in person if I knew what I was doing and was certain, before he accepted it.

The attorney arrived and he did ask me in front of everyone (from the hospital hallway) - "Are you certain that this is what you want to do, this decision hasn't been made under duress and of your own free will?"

I answered yes -  but, actually, looking back - no? 

Yes, I still don't want it - but no, it WAS all done under GREAT duress and pressure.

Then he asked for the deed.

Kim said "Give it to him, you have it."

I said "Um, no, you took it when we arrived, I handed it to you while you were in the car., but you told me to hold on to the relinquishment until Bob arrivrd."

In front of the attorney, she said "No you didn't. You're trying to hold onto it for yourself! Give me the fucking deed, right fucking NOW or I'll haveyou arrested.."

Matthew said "Wait, hold on, let me just check the car."

We all stood silently and awkwardly in the hallway until Matthew returned - with the deed in his hands - she had left it in the car.

The attorney, Bob, looks at me with wide eyes, then dropped his eyes to the floor.

Of course no apology - in fact, Kim barked at me to stay outside  her hospital room while they went in and had Granny sign off. 

Upon coming out of the room, the attorney informs me that my grandmother has asked for special provision in the will to gift me her 1993 Chevy Lumina so that I may still get to work.

Kim was furious and said I'd try to use it to get back in the will. 

The attorney shook his head and said "not possible" - and walked away.

August 2007 - Kim called me and said:

Kim: "Get out of the house, now - the estate attorney said if you changed your mind, you could use living there to claim squatter's rights, and if I didn't, I should call the sheriff and have you removed. You have 24 hours. 

Me: "There's no way he said that, considering what he said about the car.  Stop saying "Bob said and start saying what you really mean, YOU said."

Kim: "Your name is not on the house or deed, Granny's is, and I'm her power of attorney, so yes, I said - get the fuck out or I call the sheriff - now."

This is when I begged her, pleaded with her not to do this (the rest is 2 posts below).

She relented to allow us 2 weeks go quit my job and for my divorce  to be finalized on September 8th

I sent McKenna on with her father for 2 weeks.

My grandmother called me, crying, saying "Why are you leaving me??? Who's going to take care of me, your mom can't?"

Me: (Also crying):  "Granny, I have no choice, I'm sorry - but I will call you every day, okay? Mom's going to do it. I'm just an hour away if you need anything."

 

Granny: "No, NO! She can't do it, even if she wanted to! Please don't do this. Please, you said you would. No, tell Kim I want you to do it. Tell Ruthie. Tell somebody, please, I want you to do it. Please, don't leave me!"

So I didn't tell her what had happened -  but I did call Kim AND Ruthie, as she requested, telling them what Granny asked me to.

Kim called Granny and asked if that was true.

Kim SAID that Granny never said that, she just was just afraid to say that was really just worried about what would happen to ME.

I called Granny and asked what happened. 

Me: "What ... just happened? Did you not tell them what you told me? And is that what you said, that you were just worried about me, instead of you wanted me to be your caretaker?"

Granny: "No - no, I tried to, but she said I didn't mean it, I was just worried about you was all, and I ... I just didn't know what else to say, I'm sorry."

 

Me: "Are you sure you're not just telling me what I want to hear, and that it's not that you want me to be your caretaker, but it's really about what you told Kim, and more about what will happen to me?Because I'll be fine."

 

Granny: "No, no ... it's both ... I mean,  I DO worry about you, and I started to tell Kim about wanting you to be my primary caretaker AND mentioned being worried about you, but she just ... focused on that and I didn't know what else to say. You know how Kim is when she gets an idea in her head. You can't convince her otherwise, so I didn't even try. I just don't have the strength."

 

Me: Yes, I do, she gets fixated on her own ideas and fears as truth without proof . It's okay.  Actually, it's not, because you had a hard time speaking up to them even before you got sick, especially regarding me. But you shouldn't be in this position now, especially. And things are definitely not going to change now and you're in no position to." 

 "But the end result is, I do have to leave, I have no choice, okay? I Just know that I would never leave you if I had a choice, but I don't, okay? And that I love you. and I'll call you every day. Remember, just an hour away."

Honestly?

The fact that my grandmother still couldn't bring herself to stand up to them regarding me, made it slightly easier.

So the next day, I visited my mom and told her she would have to take care of Granny, I had to leave, I didn't have a choice. 

I didn't tell her why, what Kim had done. I figured she wouldn't believe me anyway, considering Kim told her I wanted to have her committed.

Regardless, she interpreted that as my "ordering" her to do it.

I get that because of the flat way I said it as a fact, while in a hurry, without telling her why because I knew she wouldn't believe me VS. Kim.

The good news is, my grandmother later figured it out, when Kim tried to tell her I had abandoned her - and the rest I told in posts below. 

September 8, 2007 - my divorce was finalized, taking on all debt of my marriage, provided my Domestic Violence attorney removed  the words "domestic violence" from the document, in exchange for him never contacting me again.

September 9, 2007 - My signed apartment lease in Florence, Kentucky.

As for the rest of the timeline, read prior posts.

As for the answer to my question, "WHY did Kim do this?"

It's both - greed AND her hatred of me/competition that existed solely in her head with me, since childhood.

You see, I made the mistake of telling Kim during this process that we needed to be careful, because in 1996, Granny had received an offer of $10 million for the farm, but declined, wanting to keep it for family, but I didn't know if it was worth the same now - but guard this estate with her life, please.

And also, because I was the one to tell her this, and she hated me already, she projected her own greed (and thievery) onto me because she's not well and refuses therapy/treatment.

I did warn her that was 10 years ago and I doubted they'd get that now.

She took out loans on the estate anyway, she claims, to pay bills.

As a final insult, Ruthie called me a few days after moving in:

Ruthie: "Hi! Kim asked me to call you because we can't find Granny's diamond rings, do you know where they are? Because you're not supposed to get them until the will is finalized?

Me: "Whaa? I have no idea where they are. And I'm not getting them in the will, so what is she talking about?"

 

Ruthie: "Oh, you don't know. Granny also added her diamond rings as part of the special provision along with the old car. She wants you to have them to give to McKenna some day.?"

 

Me: "Uh ... no, I don't have them, and I don't know if I should have them considering my situation, right now, until things get settled" 

(I can hear Kim in the background saying "She stole them and hocked them for money! I KNOW she did!")

Sigh.

Me:  "Okay, so ... Granny started hiding stuff when hospice people and others started visiting her pain pills disappeared. They're there somewhere, just keep looking."

An hour later, Ruthie calls back: "Yeah, we found them - she'd put them in a plastic baggy and stuffed them way down in the ring folds of the jewelry box, so all good."

Once again - Kim makes false accusation, is always proven wrong - no apology. Every. single. time. 

Then she just rolls on to a new one.

I have no idea what happened to the rings after that, but I never saw them. 

I can only hope that they weren't sold - because they were, in fact, meant for my daughter.

Because I came to realize Kim was that selfish person we've all met before that accuses everyone else of being selfish, when they don't go along with their selfishness. 

Or a bit like a thief who believes everyone around else is stealing from them, because they do.

And the end - no farm, no money, and she took off to Norway, cutting all contact with the family, supposedly over "not being appreciated enough" - leaving Ruthie holding the bag.

(Well, she never helped Ruthie with actual physical or emotional care of Mom anyway, just like she didn't with me and Granny - only often unnecessary legal paperwork, for which she demanded appreciation.)

And then to top it all off, during this will/estate mess and Granny's death, you decided to involve yourselves in supporting Zack trying to get her to live with him full time and attempt to have child support removed, which unbeknownst to me, he'd been trying to do since 2005, though we lived in Florida?

Hellllooo this is Zack - my alcoholic ex and McKenna’s Dad we're talking about.

You know, the same guy who cheated on me with strippers when pregnant?

The guy that didn't show up for her visits and showed up drunk, such that Granny and I had insisted that he visit there rather than drive and take her anyway?

And none of you talked to me about it or had any of the facts right - for example, that he only paid me $424 a month and I never had it raised.

I mean, ouch - who does that?

And the better question is - WHY did you do that?

You weren't satisfied with leaving me essentially homeless and penniless? 

You could've just not gotten involved - but you did - why? 

Because that's not normal. 

What had I done to any of you but sign off all rights to the estate and leave?

That's fine - you may have thought you had validation and strength in numbers.

I look at it like birds of a feather flock together, using each other - and deserving each other 😂

Now - what that all felt like from my perspective? 

It felt like the modern day version of the story of Joseph, from the bible, being stripped, beaten, thrown into a pit and being left dead, by his own brothers, out of nothing more than unfounded fears over birthright issues - and then lying to his father and little brother about it - and telling me I brought it on myself.

(In this situation, I am Joseph, Granny is Jacob, and McKenna is Benjamin).

I'm sorry, but nobody deserves that - nobody.

In fact, even now, despite all she's done, if I saw Kim being cruelly and mercilessly treated the way by the family, following a ringleader - I would put a stop to it - because like I said, nobody deserves to be treated like that.. 

Though there's more - that's the major gist, in these last few posts, which I've never gotten an opportunity to tell my side of - literally, not ever. If I ever tried, I was hung up on and shut down.

I'm not sure who I was protecting but sitting on this all these years, initially, my daughter.

But that only left ME with all the pain and consequences, pretend along with a dysfunctional family so they don't have to experience any.

But she's an adult now.

So it's out to the universe now, like a message in a bottle - hoping the right readers read it - and with that, I sweep the last bit of truths I've been holding in to protect my daughter in the middle and not be accused of "creating drama" if I DID ever try to say anything.

So it's done - and though it likely won't be my last post on here, then it will be awhile before my next one.

Family?

Regardless of who Dorothy represented to Granny - please tell me you kept her?

PS x 2 - Clarification

 (*Edit complete.)

In the post below, I briefly mentioned the last time I experienced that "speechless" trauma reaction was briefly after a threat my sister made in 2012, just 2 weeks before my daughter's graduation, without going in to detail. 

Then I realized that information may be a surprise to some, forgetting that only myself, Mark, Mom, and Kim even knew about  it. 

But I'm going to disclose that detail now, because this truth is about 14 years overdue.

So as mentioned a few posts ago, I signed off on my grandmother's estate to prove I wasn't after money - I just wanted to be her primary caretaker and with her the moment she closed her eyes.

(For the record, we had moved in with my grandmother 1 year prior, after leaving my ex-husband and Domestic Violence was helping me divorce him. My grandmother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer 6 months later. I had worked at home as a medical transcriptionist for the same company since 2000, until the company I worked for outsourced all work to India in May of 2006, when I began to work locally until this happened.)

I also mentioned that I moved out of my grandmother's house after my older sister (Kim) called and threatened me with calling the sheriff, fearing I'd change my mind and claim "squatter's rights" later - and I never told my grandmother why, which would've put her in the middle, when she was dying of cancer.

Now - what I didn't mention is, though I signed off on the estate, my grandmother insisted that a special provision be added to the will in order for her to gift me her old 1993 Chevy Lumina, because I didn't have a car to move out or get to work.

(Remember, at the time, Kim had lied to her and told her I'd abandoned her, rather than the truth - which Granny had semi figured out herself, by then, or at least that something was off with Kim's story.)

Regardless, I took that legally gifted 15-year-old car worth about $3,500 and moved us to Northern Kentucky to be near McKenna's Dad to help out.

Fast forward to 2012 - I hadn't heard a peep from Kim in 3 years, when she dropped off a box of my stuff at my apartment that I left at Granny's 2 years prior.

My mom called me in May 2012, saying that Kim had her call, she needed my address - saying that if I didn't help her pay taxes on the estate because of the old 1993 car that Granny had legally gifted me - the same estate I signed off all rights to, mind you - I could go to jail.

She said Kim  needed my address to send me the paperwork, and I 'd better sign it and send it back or bring it with me to McKenna's graduation.

My mom seemed somewhat scared by this, but also strangely smug  at times. 

I also thought it was strange my Mom would call me at all, since the last time I heard from her was the prior fall, when she had a psychotic break and blamed ME for it, rather than the fact that she had ripped herself off her meds after feeling better, believing God healed her.

I had her on speaker phone and Mark heard everything - and his mouth dropped open. That was his first experience with my family.

He mouthed "Bullshit."

So I said I needed a minute to call an accountant and a lawyer before I gave my address to them, because I don't think this is legally possible.

Then I had the trauma reaction I mentioned in the post below.

After I pulled myself together, Mark called his Detroit attorney (Chuck), who said:

"Okay, so the old 1993 beat-up Lumina was left to Chrystal under special provision by her grandmother, despite Chrystal signing herself off on any right to the estate, correct? " 

"And I assume a car of that year was valued at less than $10,000, correct? Okay, has she paid yearly taxes on the car? All good there." 

"And then she junked it in 2010 for $200 and has the receipt and copy of the title transfer? Good there too."

"So since she was not a primary beneficiary of the will, having signed off any right to the estate, and the gifted car valued at  less than $10,0000, then junked for $200 - then she's fine, and she is definitely NOT responsible for paying 1 penny of the estate taxes." 

"And even if she WAS - which she is not -  NOBODY is going to jail over it, it's a civil matter lol. " 

"Now, I don't know either of them - but what the sister is threatening isn't even legally possible - so it sounds to me like this sister is trying to bully her sister into helping her pay estate taxes - the same estate she bullied her into signing off all rights to."  

"But here's the thing -  when did all this happen, 2007?  So the sister has been paying property, estate, and inheritance taxes  out of the estate funds for the last 5 years - so why now, all of the sudden?" 

"What's going on now that she's suddenly making threats again? That's what I'd be asking myself if I were Chrystal - what else is this bitch hiding?"

And the answer to THAT is, my daughter was graduating in 2 weeks - Kim was trying to to bully/terrorize me out of attending my own daughter's graduation, so she could twist it to look like I didn't care, like she did when Granny died.

So I called my mom and said:

"Um, as I suspected, Mark's attorney says there's no way this is even possible, and definitely, no one can go to jail over it, this is a civil matter." 

"And even though she doesn't have the balls to call me directly and manipulates you or Ruthie to do her dirty work - and you HAD to know something was wrong with this bogus story, only an idiot wouldn't , and you're no idiot  - here's my address anyway." 

"But yes -  PLEASE go ahead send me whatever BS Kim's drawn up herself, acting like the estate attorney advised it, so that I can take it to Mark's pitbull of an attorney with no conscience in Detroit. We'll all have a good laugh in actual court of law about it, this go 'round."

"Oh, and Zack should plan on being be there, too. We can talk about how this family estate  drama played right into his hands .We can subpoena state child support agents that spoke with him, as well as school officials as witnesses." 

"It'll be one of Zack and Kim's big fat greedy parental alienation parties together - only I'll be there, this time, and the only one having fun! Who knows, I might even change my mind and contest the will after all"

"Nice  try, but that's a fail - I'm not alone,unable to afford an attorney and broke, and broken anymore - and I WILL be at McKenna's graduation.🙂" 

"And I won't be telling McKenna about this and ruining her graduation myself - so make that a fail x2 - EPIC fail."

 "But send Kim my love anyway - and tell her I'm really proud of the sister and person she's become -  not at all worse than either of our parents ever even thought about being combined!🙂"

My mom muttered something about my not having to be so sarcastic and "nasty" about it, how sensitive I was, then sheepishly said she didn't know (but her tone said otherwise), that's what Kim told her -  Kim must've just misunderstood and was confused, she didn't do it on purpose, how much stress Kim is under, "taking care of so much," blah, blah, blah.

I just hung up on her, I admit it lol.

Nothing came in the mail.

No police called and no jail.

Most importantly, my daughter's graduation went off without a hitch - and she was none the wiser that any of that had happened.

I never told her about it - until now, 14 years later, when I wrote this.

And THAT, Ladies and Gentleman, is the last time my older sister ever threatened me - directly or through anyone else - and the last time I had a temporary "speechless" trauma reaction - but then came out of it with a vengeance 😂

I strongly suspect she's done way worse out of desperation, trying to convince other family members of BS, but I have no proof, other than those 2 incidents I've mentioned - and quite frankly, I don't think I want to know lol.

She tried her best to not only break me, but erase me from family history - and for what?

What a hollow victory it must be.

Because the farm is gone, the estate money is gone, and she ran off to Norway, cutting all contact with them, leaving all physical and emotional care of my mom with Ruthie -  just like she did with Granny and me at first - and just as I predicted she would.

And yet despite the shame of initially letting her bully me, but finally standing up to her in 2012, you know what I'm actually proud of? 

That I did not catch her bitter-bitch disease. 

I still love, laugh, trust, find the positive in people and find joy - she can't steal THAT from me -  unless I let her. 

Though the most painful experience of my life - and still makes me mad sometimes (like now) - I can honestly say I don't hate her like she hates me - because then I will have become her.

I understand why she's the way she is better than anybody, and I have empathy for her still, actually - I just don't make excuses for her anymore, especially after what she's done.

But most importantly, I survived - I'm actually better than I ever was before.

I wouldn't say stronger, but I'm better than I ever have been.

True -  all I have left of my grandmother and family are precious memories, I don't even have pictures  - but to me, memories are worth more than gold. Or family estates - and she can't steal memories from me, either. 

The rest is just stuff - but will she ever realize that? 

PS - Losing the Ability to Scream - and Temporary Family Stability After "Tornados " 😂

 

(Edit complete.)

The moment you realize that although the story you just told is 100% true, it's also a good analogy for your severely dysfunctional family and entire childhood? 😂

You think everything's okay and normal again, then the sirens go off because one of those internal household tornados has lost their sh*t again! 😂

In fact, after contact with my family, even when it's good, I will invariably have dreams about tornadoes, isn't that interesting?

I hope you can forgive these more recent personal stories -  obviously, I'm working through some stuff, and so are some friends from dysfunctional families, also in therapy when their families aren't or won't stay in therapy. )

Also of interest is how clearly and vividly I remember those 2 days of tornado outbreak, especially at age 5, despite it being somewhat traumatizing.

In fact, I have a killer memory in general, which isn't the brag it sounds - because it's both a blessing and a curse - and the reason behind why I cultivated a great memory is actually very sad and is the direct result of family trauma that occured just weeks before. 

But before I explain that, I say it's a curse because it sometimes pisses people off - the sort of personalities that want to remember stories starring themselves as the innocent victim in situations, when MOST events aren't usually like that, there's usually a responsibility percentage ratio, even for just participating or sometimes doing nothing at all when you should.

(And sometimes people make mistakes, but it doesn't mean they deserve what they got as consequence, too.)

However, as I said, I realized the reason for this "killer memory" was because it was a conscious choice to cultivate after a traumatic event that happened literally just weeks those tornados.

It HAD to have happened just weeks before because it was early spring as well, I remember everything up until the moment it happened.

I remember my parents had a huge fight that Sunday morning, and I remember my mom, my sister, and I, coming home from Sunday School and church, talking about Easter coming, noticing the crocus coming up under the Forsythia bushes. 

And then I remember my Dad opening the front door with a weird smirk on his face  - and pulling out a handgun from behind his back - pointing it directly at us (actually, my mom). 

And I remember nothing after that moment - and didn't, for days. 

In fact, I apparently stopped speaking entirely for those few days. 

The not remembering anything at all and not speaking for a couple of days afterwards scared me more than the gun event itself - and of course, in those days, nobody talked about anything later anyway, pre-Oprah. 😂

As a result, instead of "pretending," I decided that instead, I would remember everything from now on, particularly family arguments, tense situations, or even trauma - like a tape recorder, noting every detail - because I never wanted to check out like that again.

I would keep this record to be clear on events myself, to keep the record as straight as I could, as objectively as I could.

HOWEVER, I've since learned that this isn't a good thing - and that the reason my 5-year-old brain checked out like that and I stopped speaking for a few days after having a gun pointed at me was my brain was actually trying to protect itself from further injury.

So my conscious decision to try to remember every detail of trauma or other stressful events in life was  then counterproductive to my brain doing so - and actually, it was leaving me wide open for full impact of injury effect.

Also as a result - I lost the ability to scream. 

To this day, I can't scream. I can shriek if a spider is on me lol. I can "woo hoo" when on a roller coaster or excited. But I still can't scream  and I've  tried, just to see if I could, it's laughable.

But what isn't as funny is that I lost this ability because I swallowed the ability to scream many years ago after trauma.

I draw in my breath, but screaming?

Nope, can't do it - even if my life depended on it..

In fact, during sexual assault as an adult, I didn't scream when I should have - I said no, tried to fight back, but realizing it was futile, I just laid there completely still, completely aware of everything happening and feeling it, taking note of everything, just waiting for it to be over - and I remained completely still and quiet long afterwards.

So true, I never have experienced that "check-out" again since age 5 - but at what injurious cost to my brain and emotions has this court-reporting mentality caused?

And there have been 2 times the ability to speak left me as an adult, for a few hours after trauma -  but both of those times I was still very aware of/remembered everything said and done around me -  I just couldn't push the words out through what felt like a huge ball stuck in my throat. 

The good news is that when this happened, because I didn't "check out" mentally as I had at age 5, I was able to take note of my internal instructions to myself - things I said to myself just before I couldn't speak, which were "Shhh, just be quiet - don't scream, don't speak - just make yourself invisible/small to where they can't see you and maybe it'll all go away."

Of course, that's not helpful and magical thinking, that I can perhaps control what other people do or don't do by something I do or don't do.

Unfortunately, one of these 2 times ashamedly happened in front of my daughter, which I still feel horrible about. To this day, she thinks I faked it, because an hour later, even when I could again, I chose not to for the reasons above, so I wrote shit down, which must've scared her, I'm sure. 

I tried to reassure her -  but at the time, I didn't understand it myself .

(And to this day, she also still doesn't know the trauma that had just preceded it.)

The other time was in 2012, Mark witnessed it, after my mom called, issuing a new threat from my older sister - 2 weeks before my daughter's graduation.

He almost called the doctor, but I wrote down "NO, this isn't neurological, it's psychosomatic trauma reaction  -  just give me a minute, just a minute. I'm okay,  I promise.  This is my brain's way of saying it's at maximum capacity after being met with old trauma again. I'll be fine, don't worry - I'm in here, I just need a few moments to get out" - and I was, within 15 minutes 😊

Of course, it helped that he didn't treat me like a complete lunatic and realized that I wasn't just being overdramatic for attention, I literally couldn't push sound through what felt like a ball in my throat.

And that is because he heard me first trying to push sound out, then silent tears rolling down my face, and eventually, watched me punch the floor in frustration with myself, feeling like my brain and body were betraying me.

Then he just held me and said:

"Okay, I'm gonna trust you that we should wait this out. Don't push it, Honey, you're only making it worse. Be patient, trust YOURSELF, you can get out of this:" 

"It's okay, you're safe. Don't go back there with them in your head, stay here with me, I got you! Feel my arms around you?  Look at Snuggy. Pet him, feel his fur? See where you are. Smell where you are. You're not there anymore, you're here with me." 

"Kim has taken everything from you already, there's nothing left to take anyway!" 

"But let her try. She thinks you're still broke, alone, and powerless. She, and her p---y husband, will wish they hadn't! Because I'd go into Ranger mode,and with the help of a a few of my Ranger brothers, we'd ... well, you don't even want to know lol."

"She can't take anything else from you and she can't hurt you anymore, I promise - she's just trying to bully you out of attending your daughter's graduation, my lawyer told you that's what he suspects himself, and he doesn't know either of you, because there's no legal grounds for this and you haven't heard from her in years, so why now?"

And then, about 15 minutes later, good as new - faster out than before, in fact!

The good news is, I have since learned in therapy how to prevent this from ever happening again, and it hasn't since 2012.

And the even better news?

That WAS the very last time my older sister tried to threaten me, ever again! 😂

But back to my poor childhood decision after that incident to become a "family court reporter" that ended disastrously, I became so good at this that when my parents would argue, they'd say "Chrystal, didn't I just say ___?"

(I know - that's beyond inappropriate to ask your child that, or even have your children in the room when you argue, especially the kind  of arguments they had.)

I'd go "Well, actually you said this and then they said that, and then you said this."

Which is just as weird and inappropriate as what they were doing, for me to become a sort of child "court reporter," trying to manage amd and intervene on adult arguments, whether I was asked or not, like I'm some kind of effed up Hermione know-it-all, or I don't know what, right? 😂

I mean, I put myself in that situation, or they wouldn't have known I had this ability to begin with, right?

It must have been annoying as hell and actually didn't help anyone! 

Which also contributed later to me not speaking up anymore, but I put myself in those situation, like I said. 

Because bad things happened after I did - now neither parent was happy with me, and they were love withdrawers or abusers if you didn't agree with them - and I  had just essentially held up a mirror to them, when they both wanted to blame the other one for the way they were choosing to behave.

***NOT saying my mom deserved the actual physical abuse, you understand. Also not saying my mom didn't pick up those abusive tactics and use them on her children herself later. ***

Just saying, the things they think they said and did weren't usually what they actually said and did lol.

In fact, I was a medical transcriptionist for 27 years, likely because of this ability to record/remember everything said nearly verbatim.

(Not always - if there's a lot of stressors at once, it makes it more difficult. I can still hit the highlights, but it might not be verbatim.)

And doing so may have saved my sanity on what to believe in my family, yes - but it doesn't make you popular in dysfunctional families, believe me. 

So in the end, I wish I hadn't - and I wish I could turn it off and back on later, sometimes? 😂

Well, there's some more fodder for my therapist 😂

Lastly, I just wanted to add this, regarding recents posts regarding recent conversations with friends, also from dysfunctional families.

Though completely different situations and to varying degrees, there are common threads.

Also, we 3 friends were also the first -  if not the only - members of our families to seek therapy and stay in therapy - and not the "Yes, man" kind. 😊

So we've discussed how one of those universal common threads is "pretending" - pretend it didn't happen, move on.

(This can also take the form of "Let it Go!" or "Stop rehashing it" - though it's literally the first time you ever mentioned it - or even if you did try before, barely got 2 words out of your mouth. 😂)

So I've already posted on how forgiveness should never be confused with enabling.

But let's talk about the pretending-it-didn't-happen thing.

What's with that? 

So ... the only way dysfunctional families keep a sense of false stability in between those tornadoes wreaking is by pretending.

The key word here is "false" stability, or maybe even "temporary stability" - because unless things are faced and/or resolved, the stability won't last - you're just pretending they will, if you keep pretending.

More importantly, it's imperative to remember that he people insisting you pretend along like it didn't happen are only doing so to protect themselves from consequence or feeling badly - OR - are helping enable the guilty from  consequence and feeling badly.

But F you, sitting in the corner, still trying to put a Band-Aid on a gushing wound as a direct result of what that person or persons did, right? 😂

Worse, is when you seek therapy for feeling miserable, they act like your pain and struggle exists in a vacuum or a silo that they had nothing to do with, trynna act like they didn't, or even gaslighting you as if you suffer from some delusional mental illness.

In fact, that's usually projection of their own delusional mental illness onto you - and the proof in that is one of the main gaslighters has only recently partially accepted her diagnoses - a diagnosis she received decades ago after her first psychotic break when I was a child - and yes, they include a mood disorder, a delusional affective disorder, and a personality disorder. 😉

The good news is, she  is much MUCH better now on appropriate medication, and yet still, sometimes I see shades of it so I keep things at arm's length.

And we do have to pretend to a certain degree, because she can't fully own her diagnoses.

She'll say things like "I don't understand, I went for years, and was fine" and then launch into how her lawyer pronounced her sane during her divorce, after having her evaluated by a psychiatrist of her lawyer's choosing (hmmmm) - and blaming my Dad for everything.

The truth is, my Dad's abuse truly did not help and may have even triggered some of those psychotic breaks - and she DOES also have PTSD as a result - but she had her own severe mental illness, likely partially genetic, because some of her biological siblings do as well and some do not. That's interesting, right?

And of course, trying to point this out before the rest of the family was ready to accept it, without solely blaming my Dad for her behavior, resulted in my becoming the family enemy/scapegoat. 

Regardless, believe me, she was NOT "okay" for years. 😂

So now, the still-wounded part of me that was never acknowledged or apologized to WANTS to snap back "Like hell, you were" when she says this - but I don't. 😂

I mean, she's 83 years old now, so I just say "The important thing is how you FEEL - do you feel better and your life feels more manageable on the meds? "

She says "That's true, I do." 

Than that's all that matters 😊

So they may act like you're weaker or crazier than they are because you sought therapy, when in fact, you were the bravest and strongest one to self-examine and see how you could help yourself feel better, knowing the situation itself would likely never change.

They often just don't like the result.

Because you will start to refuse to play the same games the same way anymore because it only seems to affect you, and you're not allowed to talk about it, hell no, because God forbid THEY feel guilt or shame or pain.

The unfortunate truth is, the worst pain and arguments will come when you're actually getting better and healthier.

Just like people who lose weight or quit drinking - the prior group doesn't know what to do with the new improved, healthier you, so they want you to "change back" into the person they know how to deal with and are comfortable with, the one they can manipulate - but they can't anymore. 

Thus, the pressure to return to the "old way" is never greater, either through guilt trips or insults or word twisting - it's all bait.

They may bait you with things like "Are you feeling better now?" like you're completely insane -  or "You always were just so fragile" or some nonsense.

So even if that part is true, that you ARE more sensitive and fragile - did their "tornado" help you, or even themselves? 

Throw that crap in the trash where it belongs - because the truth is, you were braver and stronger than they ever thought of being, for getting in and staying in therapy.

And instead of arguing these points with them, designed to validate themselves and the group dysfunction and leave themselves responsibility-less, just say "Yep, I am better, thank you, thank God for therapy" - and then smile to yourself, thinking of Plato's cave allegory.

Then say to yourself "Thank God I was BRAVE enough to get out of that dark cave. I feel sorry for them, stuck in there, pretending it's normal."

Believe me, feeling sorry for them helps prevent getting mad at them and their tactics again, when I can remember to do it!

If you've never read Plato's "Allegory of the Cave," I highly recommend it - particularly if you're from a dysfunctional family.😊

That is not to say it won't feel lonely now outside the cave without them, it will -  and there will be grief felt.

But then ask yourself this ...

Is my life better or worse now that I'm out of that cave?

As for me ... well, I still have more work to do on myself, and it will always hurt - but at least I can look people in the eye now and speak to them. And I don't hide in my room depressed for days and blame myself for the slightest little thing that goes wrong anymore, believing I don't deserve any better devaluing myself as much as they devalue me.

And I laugh more than I ever have in life since childhood - so hell NO, I'm not EVER going back in that cave! 

That does NOT mean I haven't forgiven them, I have - I even still love them, very much, and even feel the empathy for them that some of them reciprocate.

(Well, I still have waffle with my older sister, who I personally believe is the only one of us siblings who got the particular genetic mix curse of severe mental illness (but masks it well with intelligence) and will not seek or stay in treatment for it, and  thus continues to be a tornado wreaking family havoc, blaming others for it - but perhaps with more time.)

It just means since they haven't gained any insight into the system dynamics - and aren't working just as hard in therapy on themselves as I am with the same goal - then  putting myself back in harm's way within the same dysfunctional system will only yield the same results - and truthfully, I don't like the person I was/become within that system.