Gloria Steinem ...

(PS added) 

Dolly Parton, Tim Curry, and now Gloria Steinem?

Okay, God, the universe, whatever - can you please cool it, on taking beloved cultural icons for a while? Sheesh.

Just kidding - I'm pretty sure that God, if he even exists (not sure anymore) - has nothing to do with it.

Though these things do often seem to happen in clusters, don't they?

But I think IF it's anything other than coincidence, it's maybe not unlike the "widowhood effect" phenomenon - long-term couples past the age of 65 often dying within a year of each other. 

NOT because they were long-term partners, close, or had even ever met, of course - but because they were already struggling with health issues, then perhaps become aware of another icon passing, so they, too, decide to just let go?

Who knows, right?

That of course is just speculation as to why the "cluster" phenomenon occurs other than coincidence - or "God."

Regardless, the actual widowhood phenomenon IS a statistically proven fact - we just don't fully understand it.

The best example of it is Dolly Parton herself. She died just over a year after her husband.

My grandmother, in fact, would've succumbed to this, if I hadn't intervened.

Now, you may think this is unrelated to Gloria Steinem and feminism, but it actually is somewhat, wait for it. 

So in August 2000, when my Pap died, my cousin and my mother asked me to move back in with her. I called her and asked her if that's what SHE would like.

But she declined, saying she'd lived with my Pap for 60 years and wanted to now live her life without answering to anybody (which will come into play in a bit regarding Gloria Steinem).

After her initial grief period, she then had a ball - going here and there and everywhere, without having to come home and cook and clean for and answer to anybody!

However, 3 months later, she developed pneumonia - and asked me herself to come and live with her.

So I uprooted my daughter once again to come and stay with her and care for her.

After about six months, she still was refusing to get out of bed.

I took her to her doctor, Dr. S, who pronounced her all clear of the pneumonia - this is just grief and depression.

We talked about how I learned in my social work education the "widowhood" effect and how to avoid it.

He said "Get her ass up outta bed, make her walk, make her laugh, play with your daughter - anything."

Actually, he said it even more abruptly than that, if you can believe it.

Nobody in my family was a fan of Dr. S - he was kind of an A-hole.

And I say "was" because he later famously died of a heart attack in Lexington Athletic Club’s pool, though he was an internal medicine doctor, also certified in cardiology. 

He especially talked down to my grandmother, and tried to with my mom, but my mom went off on him, making things worse because for whatever reason, my grandmother still wanted to see him.

He really couldn't stand women, it was pretty obvious - but to go off on him, especially in an angry way, did the exact opposite of intent.

Knowing this, plus working with doctors already for several years, this is how I handled Dr. S. ...

Me: "What about driving? Will she be okay to drive again? Driving is her independence to her."

Dr. S: "Well, women are bad drivers anyway, so I don't know, if she wants to."

 

Then looked at me for reaction, I guess to see if I'd fight with him like my mom had.

I just blinked twice at him with a scrunched up face.

Dr. S: "No, really - since you're obviously a fan of statistics, look it up, insurance companies will tell you that. But it's 'cause you all have to multitask so much with your kids and all."

I decided I was being put to the feminist test here and that the best thing to do to still get my grandmother care from this doctor was to pull the learned Southern-girl trick of joking my way out, which took years of practice. 

Me: "Really? Huh. I'll try to remember that, next time I'm stuck behind some grandpa, sitting there picking his nose at green light."

 

Dr. S: "Ha - HAHAHAHA! Touché. You're all right lol" 😂

After that, he actually patted me on the back when we left and pronounced me the only woman thus far other than Granny he wanted to bring her to his office from now on.

Though I grew up in Cincinnati, my whole family is from Kentucky, where I live now - and I learned this Southern-girl trick many years ago as a cocktail waitress in college (again, with practice) - not a Playboy bunny one, like Gloria, but still, you have to deal with some real winners, let's put it that way.

Because until Gloria Steinem - and even after, in the South, to this day - it was about "managing" men like this, rather than confronting them directly. 

The only way to survive men like this and get what you need in the South especially is - use your sense of humor.

Regardless, the end of the Granny story is, after a couple more weeks of refusing to get out of the bed or even the shades lifted, I finally pulled up her shades, sat down on the bed with her and said this:

"So ... Granny? I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to say it. Dr. S says your pneumonia is gone, it's been gone a while - this is just grief and depression. Also, statistics tells us that widows and widowers often die within a year of each other after long-term marriages. So ... I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, because it's not your fault and I get depression more than anybody - but at this point, you have to make a choice." 

"So forgive me, but I don't know any other way than to just give it to you straight - do you want to follow him to the grave or do you feel like you have more living to do?"

"We of course don't want you to, but ultimately, it's your choice, because at this rate, you will follow him to the grave for just giving up." 

"So I'm gonna be in the kitchen. When you make up your mind, you let me know. You have to speak, we're not mind-readers - tell me what you want and need. I know it's hard, especially for Southern women, and especially to ask your grandchild, but everybody needs help sometime - but you have to want it and you have to speak up and tell me."

"We will help you, all you need do is ask. We can get you a modern antidepressant that won't 'zonk you out' worse, and then we will walk, cook and finally work on driving again - but you have to want to  still do these things again, Granny -  you have to want to ."

At first, she was mad at me, saying that's my Cincinnati side talking and I don't have to be so blunt. 😂

Then about 30 minutes later, she sat up on her bed, put her slippers on, and said

"Chrystal? Okay. Okay, I'll try. Will you ... help me?"

She struggled with the words "help me" - because for the first time in her life, she was directly asking for help rather than vice versa - and she was doing so directly, herself.

So I ran to her and hugged her, told her I was so proud of her for speaking up for what she wanted and needed herself and asking directly for help rather than some manipulation show!

Then I helped her up. She went on Paxil, at that time - then we walked around the house daily, then outside, then started cooking when she felt like it, then drove around in the Walmart parking lot 😂

Within a couple of months, she was back to her old active self, living 8 more years! 😊

Now, many people assume the "widowhood effect" is mostly women,  dying of a broken heart or dependency, partially because of the title of it - but in fact, but you'd be wrong.

Because in fact, it's both genders and multifactorial, both physiological and psychological  - and if anything,  men tend to die more often than women after a spouse dies.

Also, there's "broken heart syndrome" as a psychologic issue - and then actual the very real physiologic syndrome of Takotsubo cardiomyopathy which is only associated with people who have experienced much trauma and loss, particularly more than one in a short time frame.

(And let me just say if every woman that experienced trauma and loss developed Takotsubo, I would've developed it and died like 10 times already, so there must be other factors at play, too 😂)

However, as the article NCOA journal article above states, the most common reason is self-neglect after caring for a dying spouse - and there is also some evidence to suggest that immunity is lowered during grief.

Regardless, trust me when I say my grandmother was far from dependent on my grandfather, she was actually the breadwinner after being granted a federal job during WW2 after the men left to war and keeping it - and yet she still succumbed to societal conventional rules about female behavior that you could see a sort of freeness from after Pap died.

(NOT that she was at all happy after Pap died, but after grief, she enjoyed not having to work, cook, clean, and care for anyone or answer to anyone, too, for the first time in her life in 60 years.)

Enter Gloria Steinem influencing her, whether Granny admitted it or not. 😂

Before she had pneumonia, she wanted to and lived free after Granny's death, enjoying ot having to care for or answer to anybody, after 60 years!

So until Gloria Steinem, many women, especially in the south, pulled the Scarlett O'Hara-ish emotional manipulation card - fainting couches, sick headaches, fake heart attacks, suicidal gestures - all of that - and in fact, my grandmother was not immune to a few of those  manipulative tricks.

Unfortunately, the truth is, though annoying, that is what women were reduced to, in order to survive/get their needs met, especially in the South.

You can't say directly what you really think or what you want, as a woman, especially in the South, lest you be called a crazy bitch or worse.

The only time this is acceptable is when it's protecting your children OR you've hinted at someone to stop doing whatever it is they're doing as nicely as you can first, several times, and everyone around can see they're still doing it anyway.

At that point, if the Southern woman starts the sentence with the word "Honey?" rather than ending a sentence with "Honey?"

You're in trouble and she's mad at you and done - which essentially just means she'll just pout and give you the silent treatment for days.

Well, that is if she's Southern-bell trained - if not, and she's a  tough Southern redneck woman,  then at that point, you better run - because then the frying pan may or may not come out!  😂

However, post-Gloria Steinem, smart Southern women, still dealing with old-school white men in the South, learned instead of pulling fainting-couch cards OR being more Northern direct, just to outwit them with a sense of humor.

You don't fight them or argue or debate - just use humor - make your point and make them laugh at the same time. 

It's called being "sassy" - and it's socially acceptable to white males in the South, for whatever reason.

"Sassy" is an acceptable female trait in the South - but being direct, argumentative, confrontational, or downright bitchy is not acceptable under any circumstances, even if the situation warrants it.

Example - Leanne Morgan, the comedian with her own show on Netflix from Knoxville, Tennessee, who hit it big in her mid-50s, is an expert at this.

If you want a lesson in managing old-school white Southern men as a Southern woman, trained to always be nice, watch Leanne Morgan - who has mastered the art of Southern feminism - make your point by making them laugh.

Aside - As much as I love Leanne Morgan and can relate to her as a woman living in Lexington, KY,  in her show "Leanne" on Netflix- I say this with all respect and love:

Get a job on the show, Ladies, will ya?  😂

Because it's pretty hard to get anyone to take jokes about women's rights and value for women, while you're simultaneously living off your divorce settlements, now with grown children, and too much free time on your hands.

Fair point, right?

Although the show even makes my husband laugh, we also still realize much of it is what happens when women don't work - we create our own drama out of boredom, as actually men would, too, if the situation were reversed - that's what happens when intelligent humans can't or don't have work to do lol

And though sometimes, I can't fully relate to the white privilege/bored nonworking women on her show - like the decision on  whether or not to get Botox or plastic surgery - what I CAN relate to is the underlying motivation for women to do so - societal expectations and/or finding/being happy with ourselves.

All women can relate to this, whether we can afford these things or not, and I don't care if you're a modern feminist, old-school feminist, or non-feminist - we all relate to that pressure.

Even better at the art of making your feminist point with a joke, Southern-style?

The master herself -  Dolly Parton. 🥰

How did she manage to keep the rights to her songs as a woman AND not piss men off on either side of politics, without sleeping her way to the top, but also looking like, in her own words, "the town tramp?" 😂

And yet make no mistake, Dolly was incredibly intelligent and she loved that husband of hers and did NOT sleep her way to the top.

Even Taylor Swift didn't manage to hold on to the rights to her songs initially, but Dolly did it decades ago - how?

No, it actually wasn't because of her boobs or her looks or sleeping her way there - it's because she was truly talented, kind to everyone, and you could tell by the tone of her voice when she meant something/was setting a boundary -   but like I said, the Southern girl trick is, she'd always end it with a joke.

Once again, Ladies and Gentleman - make the men laugh to make your point - and Dolly was a genius at it.

Now - speaking feminism - enter Gloria Steinem.

I actually credit Betty Friedan's "Feminine Mystique" for feminism, or at least "first-wave" feminism, but Gloria Steinem was the poster child for it, ushering in "second-wave" feminism.

And by both, I mean "old-school" feminism - which means the right to work, the right to equal pay for that work, and the right to be valued for more than just your appearance or typical "women duties" like child-rearing, cooking, cleaning.

It always amazes me that women are expected to be the household cook, and yet the top chefs are still only considered to be men? 

 ???

I like to cook, when I have time - but some days, especially on days like today where it's going to be like 106 degrees, you don't feel like it. I can't even imagine women still having to cook before A/C in August in Kentucky, or even worse, slaves having to do it!

Aside - I still have to Door Dash today, so if you want me to bring your food because you don't want to cook in this heat, then higher tips, please? 😂

Now, let's talk about modern or "third-wave" feminism, which is what feminism turned into, women actually making it worse on other women.

Things like you have to choose between looking a stereotypical butch lesbian intellectual or an airheaded Barbie.

Or between kids or a career. 

Or that you have to get married or be a single career professional.

Putting us in either/or situations, as if there are only have 2 choices, and women shaming each other either way.

Now, old-school feminism says you can do both or neither, if you want to.

You can have a brain AND be attractive, if you want to - it's not either or. I mean, look at Gloria Steinem herself.

If you want to wear a dress or not wear a dress, do it -  as long as you're doing it because you like it, not because of what others think you should do. 

(I mean, there is something to be said for pleasing your partner, but they should be doing the same - and regardless, if it becomes a habit and neither one of you feels comfortable with this change, then don't do it!)

You can work or not work or work part-time, if you can afford to - work is good for the brain.

You can choose when to have sex for the reasons you choose - just be responsible about it.

You can get married or not get married - and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you either way.

You can be a mother or not be a mother - have a career or not.

Whatever you do, just be good at it.

Do it because you're good at it and enjoy it - not because anyone says you should or have to.

And see if you can do it in a way that works for both you AND those you love and that love you, your needs are not more important than anyone else's and vice versa. 

And if you want to burn your bra to make a protest point, do it - but all the while, still realizing that in the real world, you still have to go back and live in a society largely run by men and societal expectations, and that doing so probably isn't going to help your career. We do still live in a world that has certain expectations and decorum, that's just a fact.

I mean, if you go into a job interview without a bra, wearing, like, overalls, don't expect to get the job - because it actually doesn't say "I'm a feminist" to prospective employers - it just says "I don't care." 😂

Old-school feminism even says if you need to be a stripper to support your kids, because it's among the top income earners in the United States for women, then do it - but don't let it define you as a woman - let the joke be on the men, not you. 

Old school feminism says you can be whoever the heck you want to be and look however you want to look that works for you, not just men and society.

Modern feminism/third-wave - is a far cry from original feminism, going too far the other way to become almost female-centric and out of balance. 

The scales should not be tipped too far in either direction, because equality.

Modern feminism is making us choose between looks and brain, as if there are only 2 options.

It's pushing us to behave like the men in business to get ahead - especially the worst of A-hole men?

No, thank you. 

The point is, nobody should be behaving like that?

Also, modern feminism says "If women ruled the world, things would be different."

Um ... not necessarily ... I know some pretty scary women. 😂

It depends on the woman.

The right type of women could potentially help change the world with a fresh approach.

But don't forget that greed and power abuse are human traits that aren't gender or race-specific - and that absolute power often corrupts absolutely, despite originally intent.

Or that the most worthy of the golden ring don't even want it, actually.

Regardless, the point of feminism was the right to work and be paid equally for the same work, and to be valued for more than just appearance - not to meld into one big fat gender behaving in a-hole power-abusing ways that no gender should actually be doing. 

So third-wave feminists?

Stop messing it up! 😂

Stop forcing women to choose between their brains and looks.

Stop shaming other women, for being a stay-at-home mom or a career woman with no children.

Stop shaming women for marriage or non-marriage.

Stop shaming women for the need to get an abortion or not get an abortion.

Stop shaming women for wearing dresses and make-up OR choosing not to, OR having to enter higher-paying fields for women because of  their appearance like exotic dancer, music, acting, etc. - or conversely, shaming women in other career fields such as business or politics without looking like a beauty queen!

The point is individual expression - period.

Women already muttered to themselves about this male-run world we live in and them making decisions for us and about our bodies without being allowed representation or even a voice - Gloria Steinem just put a face and voice to it.

Gloria Steinem told us it was okay to speak up, to assert ourselves, to express ourselves - and however you want to do that, is just fine - understanding that the world may have other expectations you still have to be aware of and respect, just as you're asking for respect yourself.

Thank you, Gloria Steinem, for at least rolling that ball along on equality and women having representation and a voice - RIP.

_______________________

PS

So I started thinking about my first attempt with trying the learned Southern girl trick of handling sexism with humor, which didn't go over as well as with Dr. S, but it was a first attempt - and still earned me a little respect somehow, too.

So I mentioned above that I was a cocktail waitress in college - not Playboy Bunny like Gloria initially did, but we were often treated that way.

So ... on the night Duke's Christian Laettner through that 3-pointer from half-court to win and keep UK out of the Elite 8?

I made exactly $25 - people were so mad/upset they forgot to tip, and in those days, tips were mostly in cash.

While cashing out with the store manager and my floor manager, Danny - and yes, those are their real names - I mentioned that.

Danny: "I don't give a F! They paid their bills at least and the restaurant still made thousands. Just look pretty."

 

I looked at Scott, who was busy counting.

Me: "Nice! So glad I could help. Wait, did you get a bonus because of it?" - said with a sly smile.

 

Danny shook his head. 

Me: "I see, so you're just kissing up. So ... Scott, when you're done counting, can you tell me why there aren't any women managers?"

 

Scott holds up his finger, still counting my cashout.

Danny: "I'll tell you why - because women can't hack it, they cry and leave from the pressure."

 

Me: "Well, I guess if I was unhappy with my job, I'd rather cry and leave, instead of either than stay in it with a bad attitude towards OR without having to snort shit up my nose like J."

 

Scott drops the money.

Scott: "Doh! Hahaha  ... (ahem) ... Okay, whoa, , you two - that's enough." 

"Chrystal, it's actually harder than you might think to find good, reliable managers in the restaurant business period, male OR female. It's not that I wouldn't have a woman, it's just mostly college kids work here, they move on to bigger and better things." 

"In fact, look at the male managers we have now - few have college degrees and they are all middle-aged. The women are smart enough to just move on lol. Like you, I don't think you want to work in a restaurant the rest of your life, you're in Social Work, right?" 

"And actually, I do have a couple of women in mind for management, I'm just waiting for them to come to me - Parvi and Michelle, they're 2 of the best workers I've got, excellent candidates for management." 

"I do that with both men AND women - my first prerequisite rule is you have to have the gumption to come to me and ask for it, not wait to be chosen. If you can do that, then we'll talk"

 

 (A fact I shared with my BF Zack, at the time, who worked there - who did approach Scott, then went off to management training - and the rest is history.) 

"And Danny? Sucking up only gets you so far. I actually DO wanna know how my good employees are doing, but I guess that's why I'm head manager and you're still on the floor. She makes $2.15 an hour and depends on tips, while you're on salary. Apologize to her -  NOW. "

 

(Hehehe.)

Okay, so ... that came out a little sharper than I meant it to be, but it was my first attempt?

I have mostly learned to temper it a bit so everyone can laugh together. Mostly? lol