Taking My Final Today, But First, To My Daughter

*Edited/content added

Yesterday was Mark and my 10th anniversary, but what I have never once mentioned on here, over the years, is that today is my daughter's birthday.

I "try" not to mention family much on here, both for security reasons and to avoid a fallout, but I've gotten triggered a time or two and done so, and for that, I apologize.

But I'm making an exception because there's some things I want to say. Things that have needed to be said for a long time.

But first, in case anyone's wondering why I would ever get married the day before my daughter's birthday -  it's because we had been estranged for a few years at the time - her choice. 

So Mark was trying to get me to forward-think, to focus on joy, rather than my usual on her birthday -  which was lying in my bed for days in grief and depression. 

He added that someday, we would all take trip together during this time to celebrate both and our reunion.

Otherwise, to McKenna - the love of my life ... 🥰

Happy Birthday, love of my life, McKenna

I love you and always will - despite it all, you are still the love of my life and my greatest blessing in life. 

I'm sorry that you're under the impression that you're under -  but I will never stop hoping that you figure out truth and for that reunion - but in our family, you have to WANT to see truth or you never will and will keep pretending, wondering why you feel so badly.

I made mistakes, of course I did, ones I regret - just not the ones you've been told/think I made.

So  though I will take responsibility for my mistakes, I can't take responsibility for things I didn't do or that have been twisted from family members who are hiding much. 

What I never want to do is to invalidate your perception/gaslight you and I want to allow you to be angry with me, which is something I was never allowed. 

Thus, I'm not sure what to do if our perceptions differ because I don't want to invalidate your perception/gaslight you, but in some cases, I can disprove the information you've been told with documentation, too.   

Because the problem is, your perception isn't just your perception - it was inappropriately influenced and gaps were filled in by people not even around until you were a teenager and the situation with Granny's will. 

They did so out of their own issues and selfishness, but tried to blame me for not being around you sooner -  despite the fact they were always welcome - and watching you wait by the window for your Dad to even show up, on time or at all (and not also be drunk or hungover) was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen. 

At first, I tried very hard not to put you in the middle because I knew people already were.

For example, do you remember my canceling your 16th birthday party at a restaurant literally named "McKenna's" because 2 family members refused to come, demanding you come to their family barbecue instead?

I bowed out to take the pressure off you - so  you went to their barbecue, and the next weekend, we went with your Auntie Ru to the Art Museum in Cincinnati and for lunch instead.

 

(The Shepard Fairey exhibit, remember? He was big at the time and actually had a wall mural in Cincinnati, too, and you loved his stuff - so I bought you like a T-shirt and a little wall art thing of his from the museum.)

 

Though at first, I laughed off their absurd accusations,  thinking you knew me better than that, I did start to worry that you weren't noticing things like that - who was really putting the pressure on you, making demands, and twisting your head around - and you didn't notice.

So I did end up making mistakes myself as far as putting you in the middle a few years later, defending myself against a new accusation every time you'd been with them, and I AM sorry for that, I shouldn't have done that.

Not excusing it, just explaining - I got tired of the regurgitated false accusations coming out of your mouth  after every visit with them, apparently spending their holiday time with you poisoning the well out of their own need for self-validation, instead of just enjoying each other's company. I didn't want to do the same, but after a few years, I did - and again, I am sorry for that.

 

Speaking of which, I sent you to those family holidays without going myself -  NOT because I was "pawning you off on them" like you were told.

Do you really believe I'd prefer to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas completely alone? Of course not. 

I did so because I figured my problems with our family didn't need to also be yours - you shouldn't have to pay for tension between the rest of the family after Granny got sick over the will.

Mothers self-sacrifice on behalf of their children in ways that we never tell you about and don't feel the need to broadcast or be appreciated  - which you will understand when you are a mom yourself some day.

However, self-sacrifice is a foreign concept to your Aunt K that she will never understand, because she chose not to have children - and you KNOW how she demands appreciation for the slightest thing lol. 

I mean, remember when she had her husband demand that you and Ru write a letter of appreciation to her at Christmas of 2007, before she'd stop pouting and participate?

(Appreciate what? Calling her lawyers every 5 minutes over Granny's estate, like the Karen she is, rather than ever once lifting a finger to help give actual physical or emotional care for Granny - and now is doing the same thing with Nana, running off to Norway permanently?) 

Or when you visited her in Chicago, you told me that she got so mad over her neighbor's dog poop that she picked up and smeared it all over their windows?

Despite the money (her husband makes), that's not normal behavior, Honey - and it's more unwell than anything I've ever done on in my life on my worst day!

Self-sacrifice is also a foreign concept to your Dad (though he would never smear dog poop on anyone's windows because he's not THAT unwell, but he does need substance-use disorder treatment lol).

 

Regardless, I hope if you've learned nothing else by now, if you've seen Granny's will and ALL of its attachments - I signed off on her will to prove to your Aunt K that I wasn't out for money, I just wanted to be her primary caretaker and be the one to be there when she closed her eyes the final time.

 

But to my point - here's the part I never told you the full story of until now, but I'm hoping after recent events, you can now see more clearly how unwell Aunt K actually is - and still refuses treatment  ...

 

It wasn't enough that I signed off all rights to the will for your Aunt K. 

She then called me and said she'd call the Sheriff to get me out of the house in case I changed my mind later on the will and wanted to claim "squatters rights." 

 

I begged her not to do this, I promised I'd never claim squatter's rights or contest the will, I'd sign anything else she wanted me to sign, just please don't do this - I wanted to be there when she died - and yes - I DID say I'd have to quit my new job and we'd have to move you yet again and it would leave us no choice financially but to move to Northern Kentucky after your Dad offered for us to come there, because we'd have nowhere else to go, but it wasn't a threat, it was a beg. 

 

She didn't tell you THAT part, did she? 

Instead, she told you that I abandoned Granny and that I threatened HER with abandoning you with your Dad, twisting my beg into a threat. 

Even worse, she told Granny I was abandoning her, dying of cancer. 

 I didn't tell Granny, either, and put her in the middle, she was too sick - just that I had no choice but to leave, but I'd call her every day, which I did every day. 

Unlike the rest of the family, Granny figured out quick that something was off. Kim also was having her sign of bunch of papers she wondered about, she said.

She didn't confront Kim, because she feared confrontation, ESPECIALLY with Mom OR Kim  - but this is why I was there her last Christmas - because she told them they had things wrong and insisted I be there because SHE wanted me there and that's all there was to it.

And little did I know at the time, your dad offering for us to come there and help wasn't truth either - I should've known there was an end game - I just wanted to believe otherwise, because I was so overjoyed for you that he had appeared have grown up and wanted to be a part of your life now. 

We had no designs in getting back together, but he said K was bully and always had been, and if I couldn't afford to fight her and had nowhere to go, to just move there and he'd help. 

 

I really believed him - but I learned through 2 unlikely people what his end game was, and at first, I didn't want to believe them.  

The end game the entire time was for you to come live with him full-time as a teeenager so he could have child support removed and have more cash flow, because he was credited to the hilt and a recession was beginning. 

It was only $424 a month and I never had it raised.

I didn't want to believe it myself - but when I sent you ahead for those 2 weeks while I packed up and quit my local job, I received a call from your school registrar, Katie, AND Carla in Child Support, because they questioned what he'd told them - that I wasn't in the picture and you had been living with him since 2005 (we were in Florida, then Granny's?), and he wanted the child support removed.

Katie, your school registrar, called me first because she knew he was lying about me "not being in the picture" when he registered you - because I'd called her and told her he was going to register and I'd be there in 2 weeks, and I also had to sign and fax paperwork like your immunization records, etc.. 

Carla from Child Support called second, because got tired of his calls and told him he'd need to prove it in court, she can't just remove it on his say so, and she knew he was lying - so she called me to give me a heads up of what he was going to do.  

I've learned since that this is actually very common with Child Support, even nominal amounts -  and there's actually much worse tried over child support - if you've watched crime shows, then you know that lol.

When his lawyer sent me a warning letter that he was going to take me to court to try have child support removed, I had no money for a lawyer, so I contacted Legal Aid. 

They said unless there's allegations of abuse on either side, they can't help me, and of course there weren't. 

Because though your Dad gets drunk and can be verbally abusive, he was never, ever physically abusive, I'll give him that. 

And he never accused ME of abuse either, because he knew i didn't. 

But what Legal Aid DID advise to NOT let go of Child Support in case you changed your mind. 

But I relinquished it anyway, because I couldn't afford a lawyer to fight him, as well as to ensure you didn't suffer or need anything - even though I could've easily proven you lived in Florida with me and then with Granny until September 2007 

You lived with him lived him for 2 weeks after September 8th until I quit my local job and moved there, and then half-time  during the recession September 2007 until February 2010,  when you left to live with him full time - then he had the attorney send the letter with intent to sue over Child Support in December 2010. 

And I have the documents to prove that timeframe - your school enrollment, my signed my lease 2 weeks later, how much the child support actually was ($424 a month) versus what you were told, if you'd ever care to see them - but you have to WANT to see truth - which I know is difficult, I had to do it myself as a young adult.

Now - I know that to you, it looks like there's more of them than me and that I think it's "everybody else with the problem," and I get why. 

In fact, I used to believe that myself - I'm the common denominator, which makes me the problem. It's why I got into therapy when others didn't.

But then I learned more about toxic dysfunctional family systems  and how they work, scapegoating of anyone who doesn't pretend along - and that yes, it IS possible to have toxic systemic family dysfunction.

 

I mean, on the larger scale, look at the Nazis?  

They were basically a giant dysfunctional family, operating the same way. In a way, I'm the Jewish person in a Nazi family - because I stopped pretending along with them when I entered into therapy long-term at age 24 lol. 

You were taught to view me that way/treat me that way as well, which my therapist warned me was happening. 

In fact, I was in therapy the entire time, advising me - they weren't and still aren't in therapy.

 

I also learned that until we learn what normal is, we'll keep dating/marrying or befriending familiar people, not knowing there's better - and I'm here to tell you, I''ve found better - because I began to finally believe I deserved better. 

My therapist actually advised me to keep you away from them as a "toxic swamp" - as did the therapist before her who moved away - and I wish I had listened, but I wanted you to have some sense of family. 

 

And I let you leave to your dad's that day without a fight, NOT because I wanted to be rid of you, as you were told, but because even though I could've called the Sheriff myself to get you back as I had full custody, you were confused and angry with me - I figured that'd just make you angrier and you just needed time.

I don't know if you remember what you were angry with me about the day you left for your Dad's in February 2010 - but it was because I took your cell phone away, after asking you to clean your bird cage and you told me to STFU. 

The house rules I posted on the fridge - that you had signed yourself as agreeing to - said the consequence for talking to me that way was cell phone removal for the weekend.

BTW, that new list of house rules with consequences posted on the fridge that you signed, but got mad when I took your cell phone away for breaking one?

It came straight from my therapist. 

She said allowing you to be angry with me was one thing, but allowing you to talk to me like they did in a verbally abusive manner was another - and she was right.

Because although you DO have the right to be angry with me or criticize my choices - but you do NOT have the right to verbally abuse, name-calling, and cruelty.

 

I'm sorry that's okay communication in our families of origin, but it's actually NOT okay - it's not the way people who love each other should communicate.

So you ran across the street to a pay phone, called your Dad, and left. Your boyfriend and his mom did bring you back one day from your Dad's in May, but you changed your mind, not wanting to live in a rundown apartment with me versus a nice house with your Dad.

 

Meanwhile, the gifts for you from your Dad and your Aunt K, who had little previous interest in you, suddenly flowed like water now as reward -  Fender guitars, cars, trips to Tucson, Paris, Norway - things I could never afford and wouldn't do as a bribe anyway. 

 

Speaking of which, didn't you ever wonder if paying Granny's estate bills was truly an issue for your Aunt K, as she said, how she could still afford these expensive trip to Paris, etc., for you all? 

As for your Dad, the Child Support was now relinquished, but considering it was only $424 a month, his credit cards took even more hits. 

 

 (Also, I had no money to fight even if you'd wanted me to fight for you. I did try to go to an attorney who said I had a very strong parental/family alienation case, but I didn't have even the $1200 retainer ) 

 

If nothing else, I hope you have learned by now that money and expensive gifts and trips are not love or even care of you  and that most importantly, their gifts come with obligations and guilt trips later. 

  

Now, enough about the past - let's think about the future. 

 

When I say we need to meet halfway, that is going to require you to take some responsibility for your choices as well, and some untruths told, while trying to pit one parent against the other as a teenager and continuing to do as a a young adult. 

As much as I wanted to blame their manipulation for a long time for your behavior and felt sorry for you, for it, the truth is -  you made some choices yourself manipulating THEM in return. 

That's normal stuff for a teenager - but it may be time to take responsibility for it? 

I just I didn't take the bait, like your Dad did, when you tried that with me about your Dad. 

 

For example, the broken plate incident? 

You told me your dad broke a plate and cut you with it and I knew it wasn't true because your Dad is a lot of things, even verbally abusive, but never physically abusive. 

I called him to ask his side and found out the truth - he got mad and set a dinner plate down forcefully on the dinner table, with both hands - and the cheap plate broke, and a piece flew off and scratched you - it was a total freak accident - which you admitted yourself when I told you what he'd said.

If you recall, I told you that when you tell these stories, tell all of it and the truth - and that you need to stop talking to your Dad that way - even if he talks to YOU like that, giving it back isn't going to help, remember? 

 

But in my case, he never even called me to ask my side, as I did when it was him, which I thought was strange -  and to this day, I have no idea what you told him/them when you left - but it couldn't have been the truth about the cell phone. 

I realize now why he didn't, tho - because it played right into his end game. 

 

You once asked me why all his gifts and attention stopped after the first 2 years with him?

Do you remember I didn't answer, but said "You'll figure it out someday?"

Well, there's the actual answer - he stopped lavishing you with (credit card) gifts and attention, just after I relinquished child support before your last year of high school - plus he had a new girlfriend.

 

Regardless, it wasn't you, Honey - you didn't do anything wrong. 

That's just your Dad. He got what he wanted out of the situation and he was done, game over.

 

Perhaps you can see now why I was drawn to him at first - he love-bombs until he gets what he wants or gets bored, and you can keep trying to dig to find that part of him again, knowing it's in there somewhere, but you never will, unless he's lonely.

 

And NO, I did NOT have you to entrap him - your father himself even confirmed that's not true!

Your Dad also confirmed that it was ME that left HIM,  as well as what we both agreed on - that neither one of us were ever really in love with each other, we had nothing in common, we were young and stupid and had no direction or purpose.  

And yet you continue to believe your Aunt K despite both your own mother and father confirming that isn't true ?!? 

 

In fact, I felt stuck and was clinically depressed and didn't fully recognize it. I laid in bed a lot after work and I messed up my pills (something I clearly have never done since). I actually wasn't eating, either, by the way. 

And I was actually about to leave him when I found out I was pregnant - but we both tried, for your sake, to make the most of it -  it just didn't work out, but we DID both try.

 

HOWEVER, the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life changed and I changed for the better and got into therapy -  and I now had purpose - being your mom 😊 - and no amounts of threats from your Aunt K to "abort it before it turns out to be a loser like you" or anything else mattered - you were in the world and the world was a better place because of it 😊 

Also, as I stated, verbal abuse, cruelty, and manipulation aren't the way people who love each other should ever speak or treat each other to get what they want - so that is still not going to happen - and if it does, I will need to set a boundary.

I have no one in my life now that speaks to me that way and I'm hoping you don't either. They might call me on my shit, but they don't verbally abuse me.

But if not, then if/whenever you're ever ready to do so, then I am here. I think it's best we have a neutral-party therapist present, though, don't you?

There are actually therapists that specialist in parental/family alienation  situations - they're called "Reunification Therapists."

 

Until then, I had to end your confusing yo-yo game of contact me/don't contact, because that had gone on long enough and I needed to set my own boundaries due to the above. 

 

My current boundaries are, we meet halfway, no cruelty/verbal abuse as if the learned family way, no accusations without allowing me the courtesy of response (and showing you objective written  documentation proof), and that you self-examine just as much as me regarding some choices you've made, now that you're an adult.

You can express anger or hurt with me without cruelty/verbal abuse - or more regurgitated word/event twisting that came straight out of Aunt K's mouth - and if you don't know how, then perhaps learning about better approaches - and if you can't, then I will need to say goodbye for now until you can calm down and find a better approach.

Regardless,just know that despite it all,  I will still always love you and I still consider you the biggest blessing of my life 💘