As For Mark and Me?

 

We're good! We couldn't afford to go anywhere for our Anniversary, and yet it was still one of the best we've had despite it!

I'm glad we went back to Gatlinburg last year, then, and recreated  wedding photos 😊

I will admit, with my financial aid being cut by Trump, course program changes, extreme financial stress, my finals, and the subject of the below post, I've been under more stress this week than I've been under in years. 

But I DID pass my and get another A in the course!!!!

I still don't know think I can continue, though, after the OBBBA financial aid cuts went into effect.

As a result, I haven't been able to sleep, my anxiety has been on overdrive, and my stomach is doing things I haven't seen before - and I sometimes get lost in my own thoughts and anxiety and realized I was just before our anniversary.

He said something  like ...

"Um, you do know our anniversary is this week, right? I know we can't afford anything and it sucks, but I can't tell because you're not really speaking much, and when you do, it's to freak out about school and finances."

I did and already had a card and a small gift I could afford ready for it, but he was right - I got too lost in my own worries/anxiety and wasn't paying enough attention to him this week..

So I hugged him and said ...

 "Honey, OMG, you're right, I'm SO sorry. I get lost in my anxiety/own thoughts sometimes when I'm this stressed, but it must appear to you like I don't care, when that's not true. I hope you know I love and appreciate you, right? And if you don't, it's okay to tell me you're not feeling that right now."

He forgave me, said he knew that, just wondering where I went in my head for a few days lol.

Then he said I did get a little lost and noncommunicative with him other than financial issues and household stuff, which he didn't know how to interpret, and felt just a tad like he wasn't in the room  - and then added if this is the worst of my crazy, he can deal with it, because I can deal with his! 😂

Then this morning, we talked about the post below (which I've added to), but then I added:

Me: "I know I'm crazy sometimes, but what if I got lost in my own worries, and instead of realizing it and apologizing, I  demanded you write a letter of appreciation for me and told my family to write me one, like Kim does - what would you do?  

Mark: "Hahaha! Or the smearing dog poop on her neighbors windows thing she did because she was mad it they didn't pick up their dog poop? 

"Um, if you did ever ask me to write you a letter of appreciation, or ask your family to write you one, I'd be like  WTF?" - then tell you all that therapy you've had didn't help because, well, that's completely insane!" 😂

"But you would never do that. In fact, you've held me back from hauling off on your family before, when I demanded their phone numbers and you refused." 

"I think I did text McKenna once, as I had her number, after some some new crazy text accusation out of nowhere again or having to cancel plans again because she changed her mind, usually due to Kim getting upset  - but you got mad at me." 

"You said to stay out of it, plus all they would do is say you "manipulated" me to do it - and that is EXACTLY what happened, so I never did it again." 

"The fact that they can't see that only KIM does that in your family, no one else - but is accusing you of it  - I think you've called it projection - it's almost sicker than Kim herself."

 

(Aside: Well, not entirely true, Kim is the only one like that now, but my mom USED to be - before she had a full on psychotic break about 15 years ago and finally at least partially accepted her severe mental illness diagnoses, and  went on and stayed on medication. Mark said he's seen her do a little bit of that on occasion, but but not often and not to that degree). 

"But you're right - pushing people in denial just makes them mad and YOU the villain -  because God knows there has to be a villain or victim in your family." 

"I mean, forcing them to see things her way, ignoring their own eyes and ears -  accusing any naysayers of what she is doing herself - I swear to God, it's like watching Trump accuse everyone else of what HE is doing and his followers look believe every word and look the other way - in fact, are you sure her last name isn't Trump? 😂" 

"And just like with Trumpers, to them, YOU are the crazy one for speaking up about how NOT normal that is. As you said, forgiveness in your family means enabling/pretend it didn't happen and move on, so that the craziest never have to experience guilt or any consequences. and YOU'RE the one creating drama if you say anything. 

"You were wounded and traumatized, when I first met you,never crazy - and both your retired therapist and current one keep telling you that, but YOU continue to believe your sick family on that yourself. "

"And the longer you are away from close contact with them, the better you are - but  I still never saw anything like that from you, ever, in 15 years." 

"Sometimes when triggered, you can get a little cuckoo, but never in an abusive way - you freak out about it more than other people, yes - but nothing truly insane like that -  and if you did, I'd be calling your therapist myself  like "Um, a little help here? Something is really, really wrong." lol."

I'm so lucky - and I love my husband - and if anything, I need to write an appreciate letter to HIM for going too far up my own ass in anxiety, this week.😂

Both because he has to put up with my anxiety and triggering nonsense and other embarrassing flaws, but calls me on my shit when I do it, in a loving way.

So we're good - VERY good! 

________________

PS - Mark just added: 

 

"You'd  think her moving to Norway and cutting off all contact with them, last year, because she said the family doesn't appreciate her enough again - despite the fact she never did any actual physical or emotional care  for your mom, just called lawyers over the estate, leaving it all to Ru, -  just like she did with your Granny and you - would tell them something, but no." 

"A little bit, but still mostly in denial. And even if they did realize you were telling the truth/were right about that, they'd never admit it to you or apologize, or maybe even to themselves." 

"Because they NEED to believe her version still  -  otherwise, if you're NOT crazy, told the truth and are right, THEN they'd have to ask themselves, "What the hell have I gone along with and done to my daughter, sister, or Mom? I've backed the wrong person and it ended in disaster for us all."  

And that's a pretty scary thing to have to admit. I mean, I don't even think they can see how unnecessary and disastrous things ended up under her leadership, and how badly she mismanaged -  I mean, repeated trips to Paris for herself and the whole family, despite dwindling money? Who does that? I'm not great with money, but damn, to complain about dwindling money and then take lavish, expensive trips just goes against common sense." 

 

Preach, Brother Mark, Preach! 😂