Why I Fear Reporting Anything at All to HR, While Still In the Workplace ...

This is my blog and has been my voice years ago, when I otherwise didn't have one and was completely powerless - so whatever happens, this stays up - because it's truth.

This is something that happened 17 years ago that even my daughter doesn't know, because I shielded her from more than she will ever know - but at 31, she might need to know - because once upon a time, this was the reality for women in the workplace, and it still is, in some places, even after #metoo.

Also, I want her to know, if/when she reads this, that after the "trial" part happened and I quit - it happened to be the same day of her 14th birthday party. I went on and had her party with 20 people at my second job at a restaurant, acting like nothing happened, and she was none the wiser.

Because that's what you do as a mom.

This was just after we left Granny's for Northern Kentucky - just after leaving/divorcing Jon in Florida (the other person who these words below in light yellow bold).

Being that US-MT contract companies had already begun falling before the recession, with the advent of offshore outsourcing and check-the-box EMR/EHR systems, I took temp jobs in the day and waited tables at night, until I could find something permanent. This was the first permanent, corporate job I took.

But before I go into that, I thought of Nietzsche, this morning, who said "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

Oh, yeah? 

I disagree.

In fact, ask even once bad-ass war veterans if they feel 'stronger' after their war experiences and injuries, inside and out.

Not only would most say "No," but they would also likely punch Nietzsche right in the face, if they could lol. 

I think "once bitten, twice shy" is more accurate.

Then I thought of my "spiritual mom," Marian, who was killed by a drunk driver in 2023, who often said something like:

"The thing you fear most in life is going to keep coming back until you overcome it, you can't outrun it/avoid it, as hard as you try." 

"Because it's an opportunity from God for you to learn and grow, for you to feel you handled it more successfully than the last time." 

"It may look different, talk different, act different, and the situation itself may be different - but in the end, it's the same fear you will have to face, until you finally conquer it. " 

I've found that's true, whether you want to blame or credit God, your subconscious choosing it because it wants to make peace with your fear, or it's just random and plops in your lap out of nowhere, you will have to face the things you fear most in life again and again until you overcome them.

I would like to believe she's with me today, even if it's not true, because it makes me feel better.

Now - here we are today, trying to conquer a major fear  - so this is a letter that I just wrote to my current HR, last night, about why I feared speaking with them about anything while still in the workplace ...

___________________________________________

Okay, so ... 17 years ago, I was sexually harassed in the workplace by the head of the company. I mean, it was a real Fantine situation (Les Miserables). When I told HR, I realized HR wasn't there for us, they were there to protect the company.


I felt like I was on trial instead of him.

"Did you say no?" "Did tell him to stop? " Why didn't you say it louder so people could hear or ask for help? Did you ever wear anything that could be construed as provocative? Isn't the truth that you were in a relationship, he broke it off, and you're bitter?"

That was almost more traumatic than the harassment itself.

Of course there was no relationship - he asked me out 1,000 times and I turned him down 1000 times, he just launched a preemptive strike before I got to HR. 

I told nobody, being professional - he told everybody this lie that he could.

So I ended up quitting, because nobody believed me, I was retaliated against and was bullied beyond belief, including physically.


But here's the good news ...


He did it again, 6 months later - another new girl in town, another single mom without support - she reported it, too, and then he was fired.


That is what I was hoping for here - I could report it, instead of going through "the trial," the disbelief, the false rumors to discredit me - someone could file it away, you could think I was a Karen or a nut - but when it happened again with somebody else, you'd know then I was telling the truth and that person wouldn't have to go through all of it.


But most people, including my therapist, say HR has changed, and it depends on the company - that it's possible to both protect the company AND you, not either/or.


So I would like to believe this about ______ and give it a shot?


Also, just an FYI, I was afraid if I mentioned this to management as the reason I didn't go to HR like they initially suggested, they'd think I go to HR habitually or something, like Karen, right?


Regardless, whatever happens, I would like to make it clear that I did NOT report this to them simply because "she yelled at me" - I'm not that precious! lol


It's because of what she said to me on the phone that day: Not verbatim, but close:

"Go ahead and try to tell anyone about this call, they won't believe you, they love me here. You're new and have no proof."

That gave me chills - and I never thought I'd hear those words again in my life - especially from another woman.

(*This isn't of a sexual nature.)

I didn't have any support, last time, as a single mom in another city, I do now and wanted them with me, but I respect your wishes.


And I don't mind your questions, but please - if we're going to put me on trial again, instead of her - can we just ... not?


Because if that's the plan, I'd prefer you believe what you like, file away what little I have told you (the quote above in bold), chalk me up to being a nut or a Karen - until it happens to somebody else. Then you'll know I was telling the truth, right? And she won't have to go through the disbelief, the doubt, the trial on top of the stuff X does.


Thanks for your time. Let me know?