A couple of weeks ago, I was really struggling and confused in my faith, realizing much of what was tripping me up was my spiritual mom, Marian, was killed, after being hit head on by a drunk driver, literally coming home from church, two years ago.
In fact, over the past week, I said out loud, for the first time in my life ...
"There is no God. God has never helped me in any meaningful way, and the worst stuff happened when I thought I was the closest to God, and there was no justice."
"Regardless. I forgive anyway. I refuse to get bitter or catch whatever disease they're suffering from that causes them to do these things, lest I be just like them."
"I try to make something good out of bad things that happened to me by being the support person I didn't have, showing them the kindness, mercy, benefit of the doubt, and basic common courtesy I should've received."
"Because the unfortunate truth is, power wins despite truth. Those with even a little more power than you will win, every time - as will the best liars, manipulators, cheaters, and power abusers, often flipping things back on you and playing the false victim - even though that makes no sense, when you look at the power dynamics in the group."
"For example, right now, our country is demonizing, villainizing, and scapegoating the poorest and most powerless groups in our society as being to blame for all country's ills - immigrants, the homeless, and people of color."
"They have no money OR power - and some are brand new immigrants, unable to speak the language, just trying to survive - they're the lowest people on the totem pole, but they caused all our country's problems versus those in power?"
That make no sense!"
"And if they dare speak up about it or fight back, even peacefully protest, that only gets flipped back on them and used as "proof" in reverse of why they were demonized in the first place. They're not even allowed to be mad and "should be grateful?"
"And like I said yesterday with the Epstein-Trump email situation, some people will STILL believe what they want to believe versus what's right there in black and white, some of them refusing to even look at it because it doesn't support what they need to believe."
"If they do look, it'll be with rose-colored glasses on, making excuses - whatever keeps them from looking at themselves and what they went along with/supported."
"And for me personally, unfortunately, the people who've 'done me wrong' the most have been self-proclaimed Christians, usually white ones, 99.9% of the time, for whatever reason!"
"So I have finally come to the conclusion that there is no God, and if he does exist, certainly seems to be there for some and not others, even one innocent child and not another, One child appeared to have a guardian angel, while the other's was MIA."
"So you wonder if maybe Tennyson was right - some of us just aren't important, some of must be "children of a lesser God."
So I've been struggling with that again, the past couple of days because of something that happened.
And you can see my posts from that time, 2 weeks ago, but during them, I also mentioned that I failed to understand how slaves could still sing to God in those fields, suffering as they did, knowing they'd never be released and die a slave, usually in horrible ways, and never see justice.
Or that Jewish people could still believe in God at all, after 6 million of supposedly God's own chosen people were tortured exterminated.
So I keep kept asking myself ...
"How arrogant would it be of me, to think God would help and intervene in MY life, if he didn't 6 million of his own people and hundreds of thousands of people of color, as if I'm better or more important, when I'm not?
Then I watched a video behind the meaning behind New Orleans Jazz funerals (also see that post in that series) - and I understood.
They sang and believe because it's not about hope for justice, rescue, or deliverance in THIS life - they realize they will likely never see rescue or justice in their lifetime - it's about release from how shitty this life can be for some people and hope for a better one.
As for me, I don't know where were go, after we die, I wish I did.
I do know that the 3rd law of thermodynamics/law of conservation says that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only transfer.
So our energy - especially conscious energy - has to go somewhere.
Does it just disperse dissipate out into other life forms around us or does it go back to it's original source of energy, like turning off a computer or a dead one?
I don't know.
And I do know that the shitty things human beings do to each other, sometimes even other Christians, even sometimes in God's' name - wouldn't be God's fault, even if he does exist.
If it's true he gave us free will and promised not to revoke it, then he won't intervene - and the best that we can hope for he will help us withstand it.
And I understand that sometimes, because we AREN'T slaves or Jews in concentration camps, we do make free-will choices that aren't in our own best interest and there are consequences for that.
But also, though we aren't slaves of concentration camp residents, those of us who weren't lucky enough to be born into privilege and have no power and/or don't have healthy families, we tend to get just shit on more, used, and abused more than most people, by the people who either do have more power or don't yet, but are willing to step on you, just so that they can get it, knowing there's nothing you can do about it and no one will believe you.
Now - I used to think sometimes there were overly coincidental things during hard times that I wondered if they were from God.
I think some people call them "God winks?"
I call them "Cookies from God."
Like "I see what's happening to you and it sucks, it's wrong, and I can't intervene because of free will, but I saw it, I'm here. Here's a cookie" 😂
And sometimes I thought things were God winks or God letting me know he saw and cared, only to find out in horrible ways they were SO not.
Then again, my former priest (Episcopalian) would say ...
"Sometimes God DOES give gifts to sustain you - but just like CS Lewis said in The Screwtape Letters when you are consciously trying to put good out into this world - or when good and light are being done anywhere - rest assured evil and darkness will be drawn to it and find a way in somehow, trying to destroy it, to make sure good doesn't happen. Sometimes it uses even ordinarily good people in poor or selfish moments to accomplish it, unaware. "
(That's not a direct quote from CS Lewis OR my priest, btw, just the gist.)
That was a female priest by the way, who no longer leads a church and counsels at the VA, after religion and right-wing politics became so closely linked in our area.
Regardless, cookies aren't enough - I need a full dinner.
And they have been few and far between anyway.
So I can't sing about the provisions and gifts from God, I'm sorry.
I can't sing about truth or justice prevailing or deliverance in my own lifetime.
But what I can do is sing about the truth being revealed someday, even if it's after I'm gone.
I can sing about hoping that after this life, there's a better one?
I know that the 3 or 4 friends or family regularly reading this blog must be like "What's with the old 80s Amy Grant stuff lately? 😂
So those of you who know me well, know that I used to sing - but haven't for a very long time - and it was often Amy Grant.
That is because Amy Grant's songs of faith comforted and carried me through a horrific childhood.
So this song, written by Michael W. Smith for Amy Grant, is about the slaves and Jews, still singing to God in the hopes of justice and deliverance from this life.
It's singing for the hope, faith, that God will hold you up until your time, then lead you to that light after death.
For someone else's selfish gain
Here there is no choosing
Working the clay
Wearing their anger like a ball and chain.
Fire in the field
Underneath a blazing sun
But soon the sun was faded
And freedom was a song
I heard them singing when the day was done
Singing to the holy One.
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.
Labeled with a golden star
Heavy hearted boarding
Whispers in the dark
"Where are we going, is it very far?"
Echoes of a slamming door
In chambers made for sleeping, forever
Voices like thunder in a mighty roar
Crying to the Lord.
Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.
Time and time, time again
And we drown in the wake of our power
Somebody tell me whyyyyy?
Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.
Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.
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