Definitely a Momma's Boy ...

 

So ... Ziggy climbs up on the couch and snuggles the back of my neck, chewing my hair until he falls asleep, while I'm working - Mark took this picture of it lol.

I moved him to my lap later after I was finished with the job.  He didn't move a muscle lol.

Goofy, goofy puppy has stolen my heart!

Puppy Weekend! Barren River Lake State Resort Park ...

We originally had plans to continue our tour of Kentucky's State Park Lodges, until we made plans for Ziggy puppy to join our pack - so instead, we met the breeder at the halfway point between the breeder in Tennessee and here, which is a resort we've been to before (2017), Barren River Lake State Resort Park - and here he is, just moments after we got him, in his daddy's arms  :)

 

So this past weekend was time to pick up Ziggy Knoxville!  

The famous pug head tilt ... :)

Here he is, following his daddy, then running to mommy when he realizes he was too far away from mommy (he's definitely a momma's boy) ... 

And shaking his new toys (he prefers the ones bigger than his head? lol

He's a ferocibeast!  When puppies attack! 

But his favorite toys, mind you, are none of the gazillion toys I bought him - it's the roll of plastic puppy poop bags - and this - a decorative pine cone I dropped on my porch getting boxes out last week.

The pine cone has a stem and he carries it around like a pacifier ... and is now shredding it on my couch.

AND  - I'm not allowed to have it back, no ... 

Oh my God, he is SO cute that I can't even handle it!

Right now, Brookie is avoiding him at all costs - but here's as close as they've come, so I have hope :)

(Notice that Ziggy is flat on his back with his paws up, sound asleep :)

And here's a cool story - I was watching him play in the grass at the lake and chew on my shoestrings, thinking about how much I wish Marian could see him, and I looked down to find THIS stuck to the side of my shoe ...

It's a cross earring.  And it's not mine.  And I have no idea how it got there, stuck on the side like that.

Then I looked up and thought "Is that you?"  Nah. just a coincidence.  But wait ... ?"

Some things almost seem overly coincidental, though, you've got to admit. 

Lastly, just some shots of the lake and lodge :)

Not bad for less than $100 a night, right? 

Except for the fact that the restaurant overlooks the pool.  Awwkwarrd!?!

"Nothing Gold Can Stay"

 

I almost posted this before about Marian, and I decided to post it today - especially after my husband had military nightmares again, last night, especially after discussing his own faith questions regarding his former Army Ranger buddy, Rodrigo.

Plus I noticed that by coincidence, my dear friend, Cherie, had posted a Robert Frost poem at her blog yesterday as her thought of the week - not the same poem, but instead "The Road Not Taken" 

Yes, I think I will do that today, take the road less traveled and go on a hike, especially after witnessing three  portly women wearing American-flag beach coverups, hooting and hollering, carrying a beer cooler, headed over to the pool to party lol.

But instead, this Robert Frost poem is about how the best things in life that we consider as precious as gold are people and nature - but  the best can never stay too long ...

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.

 

Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

________________________________________________

PS - One of my brothers-in-law, whom I mentioned yesterday, sent me some bible verses today for comfort.  I thanked him and sent back this poem, which also helps/helped me, which he loved.

Then I said "Stay Golden, Ponyboy" 

LOL!

FYI, in case you were wondering, this was a reference to the SE Hinton book we all read in junior high or high school called, "The Outsiders," in which Johnny says that to Ponyboy, in reference to this Robert Frost poem.

Well?  It wouldn't be me if I didn't end any conversation or post with some absurdity in the mix lol

Remembrance: Questions on Faith VS. Randomness

So I woke this morning, missing Marian again all of the sudden - maybe because it's Memorial Day Weekend?

Or maybe it's because I'm not done grieving and it's unrealistic to just think I can just move on and welcome in new life and joy without still sometimes feeling a moment of sad remembrance

I think especially because there's still no obituary or memorial yet and no word on it??  My mom is wondering too.

I'm sure there's some reason for the delay, it's just I know from other cremations, the "we'll have a memorial later" doesn't work out very well, these days.  It's like by the time they have one, if they ever do, people don't want to revisit it or something?  Okay, I get that - and yet she deserves better than that.  

But then again, I don't know what's going on with the family, this was an even bigger shock to them than me, so no judgment.  It just sucks all the way around.

Anyway, trying to talk to my mom about this doesn't work out very well.  She just isn't in the same place as me with grief and we've only recently reconnected.  She just puts everything is God's hands without question, when I'm left with so many.  

Mark has been great, but he's just as stumped as me on this one.  My little sister was sad about Marian, too, but not as close as my mom and I were to her, and we also just recently reconnected, too, plus her new beau came into Atlanta for the weekend, which makes me super happy for her and I don't want to dump on her.

Grief and faith aren't something you just dump on people, especially friends rather than family, they have their own stuff going on.  

And God knows, it's harder than ever these days to find intelligent people who leave room for faith, who are also still sane lol. So Mark suggested one of my brother-in-laws, but more on him in a moment.

I think humans in general have a hard time just accepting randomness, and especially me, being overly analytical.  I like things to make sense and it really bothers me when they don't, probably more than most people. 

(This also explains why absurdity is my favorite form of humor, and why sometimes I just say nonsensical things to make others laugh - because I spend so much of the rest of my time trying to make things make more sense lol.)

But I think humans in general like to find meaning in our world rather than just accepting randomness, and I don't think it's just because randomness feels out of our control, though that is much of it.

Because if you think about it, much like the innate human need to create, the need to find meaning and order out of chaos may actually be evidence of a God as a conscious energy   - because where did both of these innate human needs come from? 

Because we don't actually need to create to survive, nor do we even need order and meaning - plenty of people working in non-creative fields just to get a paycheck are proof of that - so where did this innate need to find meaning and order come from?

Not to mention, there's not only a certain amount of natural order to the earth, but to the universe - though both may have been created via chaos, they're NOT chaotic now, or at least the earth and the universe eventually find order and balance

Heck, even the human body, though it can experience chaos, eventually finds, or tries to find, a homeostasis.

Regardless, point being, we're not very good with chaos and random - and that is because most things aren't random and chaotic -  at least not for too long.

I dunno, I guess the world just feels quieter, smaller, without Marian in it.  I'm trying to welcome in new life with a new puppy coming this week and a friend with a new baby, but that feeling that a part of my own life is missing is still there. 

And worse - and I know this sounds weird - but it felt like hope - and God himself - left with Marian.  I know that's ridiculous and I didn't realize I felt that way until today, isn't that ridiculous? Well, some might say belief in God anyway is ridiculous, so never mind lol. 

I had already realized that virtually everything I had been taught from the evangelical church I grew up in wasn't true, at least not the way they taught it.  

So what IS true?

Christians still die in horrible ways, despite what prayers or incantations or talismans they use, just like everybody else, sometimes.  

A tornado, with no will of its own, hits randomly and can leave every house in the neighborhood flatted, but one house unscathed.  The people in the unscathed house credit God - and the others, also devout Christian, are left going "Yeah, what did we do wrong?"

The answer is likely - nothing.

Because we Christians don't have any more protection than anyone else, at least against the free will of other human beings, that is.  

The bible says the rain falls on both the just and the unjust.

Try telling that to my mom, though - who believes if you say just this certain prayer, a certain way, in the name of Jesus, you're protected.

And when she says stuff like this, I let her, because she has that right.

But I'm thinking to myself, when she's saying stuff like this "Oh yeah? If that actually worked, then explain what happened to Marian?"

But I never do actually say that, I just think it and roll my eyes on the phone where she can't see me do it, right now lol.

Because although Marian had more patience, compassion, and intelligence than most in that type of belief, she was still the sort of Christian that prayed prayers of protection before she drove, in the name of Jesus, etc. - and it didn't protect her.  HE didn't protect her. 

And don't tell me it's because she forgot that one day - if his grace is sufficient, then it's sufficient - period. 

And for Mark, it's not only Marian, but his Army Ranger buddy, Rodrigo.  Rodrigo wore a crucifix, prayed the rosary every day, wore it around his wrist, led prayer before and during every mission, had tattoos of bible versus and crosses, was a committed family man - and everyone thought these things protected him on missions, despite being stabbed, shot, you name it - until one day, they didn't anymore :(

Now, in his case, that was his job - and how many battles can you run into before your luck runs out?  But then my husband's "luck" never ran out - so why Rodrigo instead of him, he sometimes asks God?

  

I mean, I already knew this stuff doesn't really protect us, at least from other people's free will choices or our own (versus true negative spiritual energy), it just gives us the illusion of control -  and yet for some reason, I still thought God would for somebody like Marian anyway. 

So as mentioned, Mark suggested I talk to my one of my brothers-in-law, who has converted from Catholicism to Evangelicalism in recent years. 

We don't agree on everything, but what we did agree on was that I needed to adjust my expectations of who God is and what he does versus what we expect him to do.

And also during the conversation, he said something like "taking (personal) offense (to what God does or doesn't do)." 

Light bulb on. 

And I also realized that what I had done was take the phrase "see God in the faces of the people we love" way too seriously - Marian was NOT God, not the only blessing in my life, and she was not my only connection to God - and God is not only found in human faces and voices.

And more importantly, this didn't happen because of anything Marian did or didn't do; enough faith or not, Godly enough or not Godly enough, prayed enough or too much or the right prayers, etc.  - his grace is sufficient - period. 

Nobody was more devoted and devout and selfless trying to reflect the life of Christ than Marian.

We're not powerful enough to control anything with prayers or talisman or incantations (and in fact, I don't see much difference between them) - so how arrogant to assume if we say just the right prayer, carry the right talisman, we can control everything that happens to us in this world.

This happened because it was just her time - and not to be taken as a personal offense to either Marian OR the people that loved her.

The only comfort and sense I can make of it at present is that I know after her husband left, she really struggled financially and had zero retirement at 71 years old.  How much longer would she have to work and struggle as she aged?

At least this way, she wouldn't have to - because she was in a coma since the moment it happened, with no brain activity at all, just her body alive until disconnected from life support - and then was peacefully sung to sleep by her family.

I guess I can almost see God in that final moment - and yet it's not enough.

I still really wish I could see or feel God again, but I still can't.

But at least today, after talking with B - I did realize how much I had confused the human Marian with the presence of God- and that no, God did not actually die along with Marian (as ridiculous as that sounds anyway). 

 I'm just not exactly sure where he is still.  I hope I see/feel him again soon. 

Like I said last post, it's a process.  That doesn't mean I'm not excited about the new puppy, the new baby, etc. - it means some days, I still miss Marian - period.  Guess I will for a while.  

It only takes faith the size of a grain of a mustard seed, right?

Okay, because that's about all I've got, right now.  Hoping his grace truly is sufficient :/

_______________________________________

PS - Special thanks to Mark's brother, B, for talking with me about this today, especially it being a holiday weekend.  Love you, Brother :)

The Process of Grief ...

So I was just rereading the posts I'd written about Marian's death here.  Though pretty raw and heavy (especially the first one), I gotta say, they were extremely helpful and therapeutic for to me to write.  I am also in hopes that it will be helpful to others who might feel similarly, but do not want to burden others also grieving with their own grief, so that they will know they're not alone.

Grief comes with a range of emotions, all very normal, that are to be expressed and then let pass without taking action, like a wave washing over you - and if you don't, those emotions will come back make themselves known later and become louder and louder, often at the most inopportune times, until you properly deal with them :)

Thus, I will not be deleting a word of it - and am resisting the urge to apologize for subjecting anyone to it - because anything said here was written as simply expression of the range of emotions that come with grief - confusion, sadness, anger - and nothing more.

At present, the family choose cremation, which causes delay in not only a memorial service, but an obituary.

Until then, I am choosing to focus on welcoming new life into the world, my friend just having given birth to a new baby boy, and I'm getting a new puppy next week :)

Thus, as Marian always said, "God's Peace"  :)

A First Glimpse ...

So unfortunately, someone who had applied a couple of days before we did to adopt "Keith Urban" and got him  - BUT - Mark surprised me by arranging for this little guy ... 

I normally like to rescue but LOOK AT THIS FACE!!!

No, really, LOOK AT IT! :)

Like I'm going to say no to my husband surprising me with a new puppy WITH THAT FACE! :)

So the above glimpse is your first glimpse of Mr. Ziggy Knoxville Chaplow at 6 weeks old (taken by the breeder today)! 

LOL! What a ridiculous name, I know, but pugs themselves are ridiculous, and so are we! 

So Ziggy won the name vote, but we loved Mark's brother's story about Johnny Knoxville - PLUS Ziggy is from middle Tennessee - so we made it his middle name, and he will be registered exactly like that :)

I don't want to jinx myself again, but since he's bought and paid for and we're picking him up in two weeks at 8 weeks old, so it's fairly safe (as long as our travel to get him goes well and nothing happens to him before then, knock on wood!)

I hope not, because I'm in love with him already!!!

Here's a short video she sent - look at his little tail going!  You can see his full face at the end - precious!  I can't wait!

PS

Mark showed the picture and video of Ziggy to his coworkers, one of whom is from China.  She's totally into the Chinese astrology/mythology thing.  

Like she asked about our birth years a few years ago, she said something like, "Oh, Tiger and Monkey, may be difficult.  But you were both on cusp, you were almost Ox, she was almost sheep, and there's a dragon in your house, so it's okay."

"You are both smart, but where you are aggressive, she will use wit.  Don't try to control monkey, she will outwit you."

LOL!

(Of course, she is a monkey, too, so that may have something to do with it ;) lol).

Anyway, she saw the pug and Mark said she said something like, "Oh, you got her a pug, they are lucky, especially as gifts!  You win best husband award!"

I agree! Yep, I think I'll keep them both around awhile.

FYI, pugs were bred to be the (spiritual) guardians and companions for the imperial families in China, and later became the companions of Buddhist monks.  They were believed to be highly spiritual, with some believing they could turn into dragons and others believing they contained the souls of reincarnated Buddhist monks. 

There be dragons in my house soon! ;)  LOL

"Pug, the Magic Dragon, lived ... nowhere near the sea ..."

But it's okay, because in China, a dragon is a good thing - not only for spiritual protection, but they bring good luck, fortune, wisdom, strength and peace :)

Also, I am told by the breeder he's The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) lol.  She says he looks very much like his dad, whose name it Tank, and he could be Tank Jr.

Is Ziggy Knoxville The Rock Tank Jr. Chaplow too long of a name? lol ;)

WHAT Did She Just Say???

 

So I walked in the room right as Kelly Craft was giving her concession speech on the news - at the point where she was lauding the physical appearance of the family of her running mate, Max Wise, as "The American Dream."

It sounded to Mark and me like she said "Look at this family ... white, the American dream."

WHAT?

(It wouldn't surprise me, given some of the things she's said and white supremacist group ties.)

But I relistened and talked to a couple of people, and we determined that it was her accent and a slight stumble, and she actually said "Look at this family ... ri-ight, The American dream."

Only certain Kentucky accents make "right" sound like "white" -  plus I think she slightly stumbled?  

Well, she might as well have said it, considering other things that have come out of her mouth - and still, she was referring to the physical appearance of an all-white, wealthy family as the American Dream?

Erm - they don't look like MY American Dream.

In fact, they look like my worst nightmare, hiding behind bad plastic surgery, an American flag, and a bible, which they use as weapons.

Well, except her running mate, Max Wise, clearly hasn't had  plastic surgery - he looks like a chronically drunk porn addict if I've ever seen one ...

(But it's okay, because he'll just go to confession again later?)

I know that sounds harsh, but after her anti-public schools commercial, it's fair game.

You can see that  ridiculous fearmongering ad about our public schools HERE - not of word of which is true!

(My husband is a data analyst for Fayette County Public Schools, the second largest public school district in the state, so he would know - no one is teaching kids to be gay in any public school - or anywhere, for that matter! 

It's about acceptance, not instruction!

The public school focus is how to offer more ancillary support and acceptance for kids struggling for any reason, also at risk for bullying - period.

Gender identity/LGBTQ is just one of those things, but also homeless kids/kids in poverty, kids with domestic violence in the home, a sick or disabled parent, kids of different races or from different cultures, and better overall mental health! 

Nowhere does that even imply that anyone is actually teaching these things.

Kelly and Max never even visited the schools, so it's fearmongering propaganda, a blatant lie, to scare you into voting for them.  

And that would be the biggest reason why she lost - because public schools are one of the largest employers in the State of Kentucky, employing both Republicans and Democrats - who BOTH knew this was an absurd lie because they all worked there lol.

I'm glad the right-wing extremist Trump Nazis lost - they're completely delusional. 

"If everyone looked like us -  white, Christian, and straight - we wouldn't have any problems."

Yeah, keep telling yourselves that lol.

Now, you would think that Trump Republicans in this state would think to themselves, "Now, we know that isn't true because we actually work here - so what else that are they telling us isn't true?"  

Nope, they just find another Trump candidate that's less "silly."

They will cling to their American Delusion - erm - I mean, Dream -  until their dying day, never realizing that their paranoia and hatred has turned them into monsters -  they are the monsters - just like the Nazis in Germany did.