Hmm ... What To Say?

 

So Saturday afternoon, Mark and I went to eat at a local Mexican restaurant and sit out on the patio with Ziggy pug and have margaritas. 

At the next umbrella table was a woman and her adult son, who was taking her out for a pre-Mother's Day dinner, and we struck up a conversation.

So this lady never drinks and had 2 margaritas -  and the margaritas at this restaurant are strong!

So pretty soon, she starts telling me stuff that she may not usually say to a complete stranger, but ya never know, it's Kentucky. 😂

She's lucky it's me, though - I like to be kind with everybody. 😊

This town is friendly enough on the surface, but they are also very judgmental, despite what their politics are, and very skilled at being fake.

I'm of the mindset, though, that you never know what somebody's going through and a little kindness may help.  

Maybe she just needed to talk, and sometimes a total stranger is easier to confide in than those already in your life.

So here's how this went ....

Lady: "One of my granddaughters says to me "Mamaw, I think I like girls."

Mark looked at me like "What the ??? Where did that come from and why is she telling a total stranger about it?"

 

Me: "Oh? How old is she?"  

 

Lady: "19."  

 

Me: "So she understands what that really means, then, so she very well could be." 

 

Lady: "I told her I don't believe in that, but I don't want to turn my back on her."  

 

Me: "So tell me what she's like otherwise, is she a good person, are you proud of her?"  

 

Lady: "Oh, yes! I have 4 granddaughters living with me and she's the most stable, doesn't drink or do drugs, has a good job, helps me with the other 3. She's working and saving for college." 

 

Me: "Then I don't think you need to worry. If you consider that her worst flaw, then you're doing okay and she's doing okay. She sounds like good people to me! 😊" 

"And think about this - she chose YOU to come out to, because she feels safe with you - that's a compliment to your parenting/grandparenting.  It means you've done well. She just wants to know that you still love her and are proud of her regardless, even if you don't agree - she wants reassurance that your love for her has not changed just because of her sexuality 😊"

 

Lady:  "Thank you. 😊 I have the 4 because one of my daughters and her husband are drug addicts/alcoholics, so I worry what I've done wrong." 

"In fact, I have 9 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren in total, and the other ones sometimes tell me stories so they can come live with me, too. Mostly because their parents won't give them exactly what they want, see, and they know I spoil." 

 

"My other son's daughter's said "Mamaw, mama hit me with a hanger the other day."  

"I said, "Well, was it wire or covered, and did it leave a mark?"😂  

"Aren't I awful?  But don't you worry, if I really believed they were being abused or neglected, instead of exaggerating or making up stories as teenagers do, when they don't get their way, I wouldn't hesitate, like I didn't with the other 4. I'm no dummy." 

 

"I love them all, but I'm tired, ya know?  Everybody's coming to my house tomorrow for Mother's Day, but guess who's cooking for them all? Me."

 

Me: "Whaatatt? Girl, if they're not going to cook for you or take you out for lunch or dinner, at least order Door Dash and celebrate you tomorrow, that's the one day of the year you can!  Or make it a potluck instead." 

"Mothers sacrifice more than our kids will ever know, and we're happy to do it, but this complete martyrdom crap has got to go. Some start to expect it, and I don't think they'll really appreciate it until either they're mothers themselves, or in some cases, not until their mothers and grandmothers are gone, honestly."   

"There's nothing selfish about telling people one day of the year "Hey, it's Mother's Day.  Okay if I don't cook today and we all chip in on ordering out?" 

They may not like it because it's not their usual, but tough tatas, Mother's Day is not about them anyway."

She said she'd think about it 🙂

You'd be surprised how common that is, here in Kentucky, mothers cooking for the family themselves on Mother's Day. 

Last year, my dentist told me she drove 2 hours to her parents and her husband's parents houses at 5 a.m. in South-Central Kentucky to spend time/bring breakfast and a gift to her mom and mother-in-law, then drove back, cleaned her house, and then  here she was at 9 p.m., grilling burgers on the grill for her husband and kids because nobody had thought about dinner except her.

I said "You did what, now? Dr. H! On Mother's Day! Aw, that's not right. Nobody could take 15 minutes to throw some meat on the grill for you?"

"I know how hard you work, getting up at 4 a.m. to muck horse stalls, then come here and work, take care of your kids/get them to activities, backed down to working 1 day a week to have more time with them. Now I wanna get right up out of this chair and go home right now and grill you up a burger myself. " 😂

She just said her husband was tired after mowing their big lawn all day, her kids are teenagers are busy.

Ya know, always making excuses for others, martyrdom and exhaustion expected. 

And we don't mind doing it, we love caring -  and we hope that maybe they'll be the same way and do the same for others when they grow up. 

Not necessarily!

Some just learn from that to expect being treated that way, not just from you, but from others - and God help you if you ever say "No" or "I can't."

I love my dentist, she is the kindest, coolest person. 

And the thing is, she cut her hours back to one day a week because her family complained, but they're never home anyway!

And as much as she loves and brags on her husband and kids, she also loves her patients and being a dentist, too, and is a GREAT one (seriously, I had a root canal and didn't feel a thing).

She shouldn't be made to feel bad or selfish about being both a mother AND a dentist!

But back to the original lady's LGBTQ granddaughter, I didn't think it was a time to explain that human sexuality has never been binary, it's along a spectrum, nor the science we've learned about gene expression - it wasn't time to push my beliefs on hers, with her already resistant. Her worry was where she had gone "wrong" and the well being of her granddaughter.

So I didn't know what to say - except point out what's good about her granddaughter, how she'd done well with her, and that if she considers being gay a character flaw - even though I do NOT - if that's the worst she can say about her, she's doing all right 

That seemed to go over well.  I think.  😊

I'm not sure what she was expecting me to say, though. Maybe she wanted me to commiserate, to help her feel okay in condemning it.

I can't do that.  Because what that granddaughter needs most now is love and acceptance and the realization that nothing has changed - she's still the same good person, despite her sexuality 😊