Wednesday, October 16, 2024

On "PC Terms" Vs. Jim Crow Days

 

After an uncomfortable conversation today, I just want to add something I should've said, if I was going to say anything at all (which I shouldn't have).

I didn't bring it up, but I questioned something that was said.

So what I wish I would've added is THIS, if I was going to say anything ...


So the reason we don't use old terms for non-white people is not because we're worried about "correct" terms, but because these old terms remind them of a past when they were segregated, treated badly and considered inferior, and those terms were used derogatorily.


I understand updated "PC terms" may be difficult to keep up with, but if you're an empathetic person, then you'll be sensitive to their experience and care whether or not you're bringing up painful memories of being segregated and treated badly.

On the other hand, if you're NOT an empathetic person, then think about it this way - using these old terms spares you both awkward discomfort? ?


Otherwise, if we're ever going to move forward in this country, we have to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations to promote better understanding.

I agree, there's a time and place, but again, I didn't bring it up :)


____________________

PS 

I always bristle when I hear the term "colored."  

I think it's because this term started during the Jim Crow Law era and segregation -  and though it's true that it was self-used during the the Civil Rights Movement by people of color, the term was later rejected, due to its origin being a white-created derogatory term. 


I'm especially surprised when white people who have married a person of color, have biracial children and/or adopt children of color use that term, in this day and age, and don't seem to even be aware that the term might bring up bad memories or sound derogatory for their spouses or kids. 


For example, I had a very dear friend who adopted a child of color and sometimes resorted to calling him her "colored" child (but corrected herself).


At first, I thought it was regional or because of her age, because she was otherwise the most empathetic person I've ever met - but it  also became clear that she had no clue about the experiences of people of color and wasn't willing to listen, including that of her own son.

She especially had no clue about the extra power imbalance of that  parent-child-of-different-races relationship -  meaning that in addition to being the parent in power, if anything went wrong between them, society would  likely automatically take her side, just based on skin color.


Over time, it became clear that she thought it her role was to save him out of poverty and teach him how to behave (white) properly, and that he should be extra grateful to her versus her other children, if that makes sense? 

(This is one of the varying definitions of "white savior complex.")


And what let me know this were some things that came out of her mouth while angry at him, despite being, as I said, otherwise the most empathetic person I knew. 

For example:


"He's just acting like his people. They talk to their children terribly."


My mouth literally dropped open.  I'd never heard her say anything like that before.

Then she asked me if I thought she was racist, because her adopted son said she was.


*Gulp*

 

Me:  "Well, I think there are varying degrees of racism: There's racism with hate and fear, there's racial bias, and then there's ignorant cultural bias where we're just unaware of black experience, which all of us white people could work on."

"In your case, I think you're righteously angry with him about some stuff he's doing - BUT - those things don't have a thing to do with skin color." 

"So honestly?  I gotta say ... I don't think you're racist overall, but what you just said -  blanket-generalizing all people of color in a negative way and calling them "his people" -  does sound somewhere between racism and racial bias?" 

"Because, I mean, not ALL people of color, talk to their children badly, they're just as diverse in personality and temperament as we are, just with a different skin color."

 "AND - many white parents talk to their children badly!"

"Case in point - how MY mother has talked both to and about me, which you've heard yourself???"  

"So in fact, that's proof that talking to your children badly has NOTHING to do with your skin color - white people may just be better at hiding it behind closed doors."  

 

 

Friend: "True, good point, like how P talks to me.  But I'm NOT racist!"

 

Me:  "Okay.  But you did ask me what I thought.  Like I said, I don't think you're hate-and-fear racist, but what you said did sound somewhere between racism and racial bias." 
"But regardless of what I think, the issue is your adopted son of color feels that you are, so maybe ask him why he thinks that, hear his experience, without getting defensive?" 
"Because I know you're mad at him for doing certain things - and though I agree he shouldn't be doing those things -  those things have nothing to do with his skin color." 
"So there's this thing known as "white fragility," and it's when we white people are confronted on something we did or said that was offensive to people of color, we tend to get defensive and act like WE are the offended one, instead of listening and keeping it about THEM initially being offended." 
"The truth is, no matter how anti-racist we think we are, we were all raised with inherent cultural bias, in a society where racism has been institutionalized, to the point we white people often don't even realize it or that we've gone along with it - so it's important that we self-examine and  allow others to educate us on their experience."


Then she just got quiet and said she'd think about it and she had to go lol.

She did ask me what I thought, so I had to be honest with her?

And quite honestly, it really takes another white person to gently explain why something isn't okay, because they don't seem to hear it from people of color (which is also proof of racism and/or racial bias).

And if we sit there silently, then they think it's okay, right?

So we never talked about it again, I'd made my point, and we were still very close (this person has since passed on).

Though that incident secretly bothered me - just reeling from the cognitive dissonance of this person being the most empathetic person I know, but at the same time, her empathy for people of color came from a place of superiority.  It was really hard to reconcile all of that in the same person.


What was especially interesting is her son-in-law was Mexican and she had a special reverence for Mexican people, legally here or not - but with people of color, they were a people that needed her guidance as a white person?

This person has since passed on, and I still don't know how to balance all that within the same person who was my very close friend, and yet I still loved her dearly :)



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