Remembering Marian's Words Today ...

 

Prologue:

This post evolves into the story about being the first family member to discover (at age 14) that a parent had -  and was officially diagnosed with -  bipolar disorder, schizoaffective type - since 1973.

However, the parent and the rest of the family were in denial for years;  thus, the parent did anything she could either reject or hide her diagnosis (not uncommon) and silence the knowing child, to keep the others from ever knowing.

(That 14-year-old was, of course me -  after seeing behaviors that trauma alone did not fully explain, when my sister was off at college and my younger sister was only 4.)

Unfortunately, this issue came up again, a couple of days ago. 

Now, you may wonder why I would ever write something like this publicly, especially now.

First of all, it's 2024 - mental illness shouldn't be kept a deep, dark secret anymore - it's brain chemistry, and thus, just as biological and real as any other medical condition.

Pretending it's not there won't make it go away - in fact, it can make things worse for both the person and their family, and most importantly, delays appropriate treatment.

Educating yourself helps better understand it, as well as how the family can deal with some very difficult behaviors, as well as do your best not to enable them or make things worse - it's very much like the family dealing with someone with a substance-abuse disorder.


(In fact, those with bipolar disorder are more susceptible to also having substance-abuse disorder, so that can be double the fun. Luckily, we don't have to deal with that.)

Though we all could do better in dealing with her, some days, and she truly has had other traumas in life that either triggered it or made her condition worse - bipolar disorder, schizoaffective type is NOT anyone's fault.

Thus, we need to step away from blaming her parents, any of her kids, or even her abusive ex-husband for it.

He may have triggered the biological/genetic condition, much like genetic cancers get triggered by environment -  but he did not cause her bipolar disorder.

In fact, because she married so young, we don't know which came first, as bipolar disorder often doesn't appear until you're a young adult.  

She also has an official diagnosis of Cluster-B personality-disorder issues, as well as there is the potential for possible neurodivergent/neuropsychiatric issues (ASD and/or ADHD) in the differential, all of which overlap with bipolar-schizoaffective, and also tend to be chemically fueled by bipolar disorder. 

Thus, while it is still important to emotionally support the person, it is equally important to set boundaries, as well as hold the person accountable for their choices that adversely affect others or themselves, and to not protect them from the consequences of these choices (like going off their meds).

Secondly, as mentioned, I wrote this a few days after an event, because past track record has shown that after a disagreement of this type, with this person, a false story is immediately spread to other family, friends, and others in the community, while I remain silent.

In fact, I may have already observed that process beginning, when I received a phone call from this person later, thinking she had called someone else.

In the past, I remained silent until someone asked - or more accurately, accused me -  based on her false story.

At first, it was because I realized that if I spoke up as a teenager, bad things would happen.  Later, it was to spare my grandparents embarrassment - often at their request -  as well as not put others in the middle, letting them believe whatever they need to believe.

I guess I thought that eventually, people would snap out of denial and the truth would reveal itself.

That's a great philosophy with regular gossip, but it depends on the personality and what's at stake - because look what silence on things like Pizzagate did for Hilary with Trump, eh?  

Don't you now wish Hilary had defended herself against at least a couple of these lies that affected the election outcome? Because to many, her silence made her look guiltier.

Likewise, I wish I hadn't remained as silent as I did as a young adult, even at my grandparents' request.

Because doing so worked out very well for this person and the rest of the family, for a long time - but it never ended well for me; thus, I was the one receiving most of the consequences for her behavior.  

In fact, on occasion, I will still run across someone in this town who believes her version of events and will scold me for it, and I let them, and the most I'll say is "There are two sides to every story, if you want to hear them," which they usually do not lol. 

Then again, people will believe what they want to believe anyway, despite what you say and the truth.

I love this person still and always will, and I know she cannot help much of what she does - and yet I have learned through therapy it's still okay to say "ouch" when appropriate, without fear of her decompensating (though she may temporarily behave like she is, to shut you up lol) - but it does have to been done delicately.

Granted, I did not do this delicately, the other day.

But at 55, after therapy, no more protecting secrets - either for her or my grandmother - while other mouths run rampant, to spare others from painful truths or embarrassment -  to my own detriment.

No more silence, I'm sorry.

It doesn't help her, in the end -  and it definitely doesn't help me and never has.


Also, by writing this, I hope it helps someone else out there in the same situation - because there are 40 million people suffering with bipolar disorder globally, tack on the families dealing with it.

You also need to know that I have been quadruple-checked for bipolar disorder myself, and I lucked out genetically.

That does NOT mean I'm a saint or remain unscathed - I do have my trauma reactions, for sure -  as well as pretty severe anxiety (and previously struggled with depression,).

Though I do pretty well, after therapy, I still sometimes don't handle her perfectly, or in a way I'm proud of, particularly when stressed - but you can also rest assured that her version of events is never honest or what actually happened between us.

Her long-ingrained need to discredit me as the family villain, in order to keep hiding her behavior and disorder, will sometimes still  make an appearance. 

On to the original post ... 

__________________________

For those unaware, Marian was my friend and my "Mom," when my mom couldn't be, and she was killed by a drunk driver in May of 2023.

She used to say something like: 

"You know what you did wrong, here - again - never ask at least 2 members of your family "The Chrystal Question."   😂

"You know what 'The Chrystal Question' is, right? 

It's  ...'Why did you do that???' 

 

"A couple of members of your family - and one in mine - don't like to be questioned, even gently - even if you're asking because you're genuinely hoping for a better explanation than how it appears, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt." 

"They can't handle it.  They might have to deal with truth and feel guilt.  So instead of answering, you'll be accused of being "mean," "nasty" or "abusive" or "attacking them," even if we ask gently - because in their minds, they're a victim of mean ole' scary us, for even questioning what they said/did - and they'll employ others to "rescue" them from this distress. Then all heck will break loose lol."  

"What were you expecting, an honest answer, when they aren't honest with themselves?  That they'll suddenly gain some self-awareness and take some responsibility, just because you asked? Good luck lol. God changes hardened hearts, but we sure can't, I've tried."

 

"BUT ... ya know, you're especially asking for trouble if you ask that question like you know you do, sometimes -  like a lawyer would - even if it involves you and you have every right to ask."  

"Jesus said "Be ye wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove."

You're very diplomatic, but some people make it difficult, and with those same people, a gentle approach doesn't even matter anyway. I know, because I tried.  They just want to keep doing what they're doing without question, so it's best not to even question them if you want to get along with them - which is hard for you not to do, you want to understand everything lol."

"So ...  knowing that ...  if you go ahead and ask that Chrystal  question anyway, and you are NOT gentle as a dove, you're really asking for trouble, aren't you?"    😊

 

"And I know you think it's just you, but it isn't.  It's the worst with you, but I also saw it happen to a lesser level with a mutual friend, E, in 2010, which is why I reached out to you - and then to ME, 2 years ago.  I won't go into detail, but we actually haven't talked much in the last 2 years since."

"And yes - the sudden, timely flares of exhaustion or medical conditions, some of which we're not sure they really have, all to avoid answering your question and to guilt trip you for even asking." 

"Then you feel badly - both for bringing it up and even thinking about the curious timing of the "flare" -  but isn't it interesting they say that, but then keep scolding you or trying to argue with you for the next half hour anyway? lol So then you can't help but think "Must not be THAT bad."   

"Then the calls to family, mutual friends, pastors, church deacons, under the pretense of "needing prayer," but the "prayer request" also comes with a dishonest story attached lol.  It all becomes too much, and ... ya know ... a little nutty."   

 

 "You know, even after what I saw happen with you, and then E,  it never dawned on me how much like P she was herself,  until she did it to ME, and you KNOW I asked gently. Maybe because she's the female version." 

"And I just get so frustrated with her bragging -'best in the country this, best in the world that.' She knows better about everything and everyone, her children are more brilliant than everyone else's, how much more cultured she is and her family is. It's just so arrogant, elitist, and not true, whereas you, Chrystal, you're just so ... NOT any of that lol." 

"I know she says these pretentious things out of deep-seated insecurity underneath (bipolar grandiosity, I added), but it comes across as very condescending. And if I'm honest, it's been a very one-sided friendship." 

"I appreciate her prayers and her counsel, but anything that would require any actual effort on her part? Not gonna happen, not her strong suit and never has been lol."   

 

"Anyway, I'm getting too negative about her, and I know she can't help a lot of it. You know I have NEVER done that before. I'm sorry to put my issues with her onto you.  I shouldn't have shared that!   We haven't talked about your family in years, but this DNA reveal thing came up and she and I are in more communication than I wanted again, and I guess I'm still mad,  so mostly, I just let her go to voicemail and let her just think I'm just THAT busy lol." 

 

"All of this to say, I learned my lesson, and never again asked "Why did you do that?" or ever questioned her again, believe me -  and I never will again. Not because I'm scared of her, just because it's pointless and not worth the trouble it causes." 

"I also learned the hard way to carefully think through the "I need prayer" stories, especially if I know both people really well. I still love her and pray for her, as I pray for everyone -  just not in the way she wants me to. I've seen too much now. She has no idea I have, but I have. And there's no sense in trying to tell her!"

 

"And Chrystal?"

 "I know you believe she's changed due to newer meds and staying on them, and she IS better in many ways  - but  in other ways, she's still her same base personality, so be very careful -  I've been talking to her the whole time."

"She still won't admit to anyone else that she's bipolar/schizoaffective, and I'm not sure if K and R know, they have lived far away for a long time. Do they still blame your Dad's abuse ? Or you, for saying she's bipolar? " 

"I don't think they know there were other times before 2011 - do they know about the Jessamine County Courthouse thing in 2001?"  

 

 "More importantly, SHE still believes that - even 6 months ago, she was still trying to convince me you were sick, for saying she was, that YOU were gaslighting and projecting your behavior onto  HER, and that every time she went to the mental hospital, it was your fault, there was nothing wrong with her, and worse, you were a witch or under demonic influence."  

 

"I have repeatedly reminded her that she drove herself to the hospital, 2 weeks after calling me and acting loopy, saying God had told her she didn't need any medication anymore - which she told me was just an antidepressant and a sleeping pill -  acting overly happy, too many 'Praise Gods' and laughing too much and saying just bizarre things (bipolar mania)." 

"I had told her that maybe she should have weaned herself off, not rip herself off, because she wasn't acting right, but she just laughed and said she'd never felt better, God healed her."  

"But now I know that's not all she had been on, because I found and brought all her meds to the hospital for the psychiatrist to view,  and they weren't just antidepressants and a sleeping pill, they were some pretty heavy-duty psychoactive stuff." 

 

"I told her she surprised us both by suddenly inviting you to dinner a week later - 1 week prior to driving herself to the hospital - but when you arrived, you called me, realizing something was very, very wrong. She was vacillating between pacing and being nearly catatonic and barely speaking, suddenly remembering and apologizing for serious stuff she'd done (when the only time she ever apologies for serious stuff she's done is when she's cycled from bipolar mania into bipolar depression." 

 

"So you made her tea and ran her a bath, and tried to get her to take her medication, and called me to ask what else to do -  and  I know you did, because she called me that night  herself and said you did -  saying you'd been a great help and comfort to her, and that there had been no arguing, for a change." 

 

"But by the next morning, she'd forgotten she'd invited you or that you were even there. She had absolutely no memory of the night before or talking to me about you being there and how great it was going."

 

"So of course, she freaked out, when she saw you downstairs and didn't know why you were there.  She called me to tell me you "broke in her house" and "might attack her." 

 

"I tried to tell her why you were there, but she didn't remember, so she accused me of "being manipulated" by you and hung up.  

 

Then both she and you told me that she demanded you leave, your being there was why she felt so badly, and since I was working, your new roommate, Patti, came and picked you up." 

"I told her no one even knew where she was after that, for a week, she wouldn't answer her phone." 

 

 "Then she finally called you a week later - and I'll never forget this - you and I were together, that day, out shopping.  She called you from the hospital, thinking you were K." 

"You had her on speaker, and asked her where she was.  She told us she was in the hospital again and that you oughtta know where she was, because you, K and M brought her there, even though K and M were in Chicago!" 

 "She was so confused, her thoughts were all over the place. One minute, she was accusing you of bringing her there, the next, she thought you were K, and accused  K and M and you of forcing her there, then the next, recognizing both of us, asking us both to pick up her clothes and bible for her and to find her car, she had no idea where it was." 

 

"I told her the whole time she was talking, that day, what she didn't know is, you weren't happy or smug or relieved -  there were tears streaming down your face, you were so sad and worried." 

"You talked to her so softly, and though you did remind her who she was talking to, when she'd forget, and that no one we knew brought her there, you otherwise just kept telling her you loved her, she was loved, you were so sorry she was feeling badly and that she would feel better soon." 

"Then when you got off the phone, you said ... 

'This one isn't a manipulation - this one is real, I can tell. It hurts to see her this way. If she would just take her meds."

"Ya know, no matter how estranged we are, how much gaslighting, how much smearing me all over town,  how many divide-and-conquer games she's played between me and my family in order to validate herself, no matter how hurt or mad at her I am  ...  

... when this happens, I'm 5 years old again, watching her act this way, and no one explaining it to me, just scared to death and powerless to help her. 

And of course, when no one explains this to you at 5 years old, you think: "Is this my fault? Maybe if I was quieter, like she asks, this wouldn't have happened.  Maybe because I didn't put my toys away?"  

" And of course, she was happy to blame me since age 14, when I found out. So even if I could help her, I can't get anywhere near her without a witness, when she's like this, because then she blames me for it!" 

 

 

"I told her we brought those things she asked for and also found her car - which, by the way, was parked in the parking lot in the UK Men's basketball Wildcat Lodge, up on the median - and moved it for her into the hospital's parking garage, and that you called K in Chicago, right after you hung up with her, and they had no idea she was there, either." 

 

"But she wouldn't listen, still tried to blame you, and just 6 months ago, still believed she was hospitalized because you "barged in her house and "abused and gaslighted her," so I just said I had to go and hung up, because she did this nearly ever time I talked to her and I just hang up when she starts that crazy talk, because it's pointless to argue lol."  

 

"I have prayed for a reconciliation between you, but be very, very careful -  she still will not admit her mental illness, because doesn't really believe she has one, and most importantly, she will do anything to keep anyone else from knowing, because she's afraid that means your abusive Dad was right about her and that she deserves it, which isn't true."

"So if you even inadvertently cause her to face the truth, watch for the gaslighting - because you always end up caving and believing it's all your fault."

 

"No, her mental illness is NOT your fault, it's not anyone's fault." 

"I love her, and I've known for a long time that she's mentally ill, I just didn't know how much. I initially thought it was PTSD from your Dad, or taking the wrong medication.  I didn't know until I saw it up close and personal in 2011." 

"But she just told you she's known since 1973?!" 

"I feel like she's lied to me this whole time, but I guess it's normal for bipolars to not accept their diagnoses, but sometimes, I feel like she KNOWS she's lying to me about it.  I'm so SO sorry I believed her about you, before I met you for myself."

Roger that , Marian - and no worries - you were a blessing to me and still are  - and I cannot thank you enough for being in my life:)

Unfortunately,  I forgot your advice though.

Oops - BIG oops.

Because I DID ask her "the question" - and not with sugar on top - in  full "lawyer" mode with my voice raised -- and it turned out exactly as you said.  🙁

And though you said "heck," because you don't swear - in my case, though we HAVE seen worse -  this time, the gates of hell definitely did start to rattle a bit 😂

Love and miss you ...  every day ...

Not sure how I feel about God anymore, but I believed in Marian, so I'm gonna play this Christmas song early  -  not so much because of God, but because it reminds me of "Mother Marian" and is a general comfort to me, in stressful times 🥲

Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song) ... 

I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy father, you have come
And chosen me now to carry your son

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now, be with me now
Breath of heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of heaven
Breath of heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness for you are holy
Breath of heaven

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong, help me be ... help ... me

Breath of heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of heaven
Breath of heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness for you are holy


Breath of heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of heaven
Breath of heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness for you are holy
Breath of heaven, breath of heaven
Breath of heaven