Still Editing The Knives Out Posts ...

 

Just FYI, as mentioned in that post, the post is still being edited, but quite honestly, I try not to think about this stuff anymore - so I only go back and work on it if reminded. 

So I did a big delivery to Nicholasville, last night, and I hadn't been there in a couple of years - thus, I was reminded and just made an important edit.

So ... I do think that Kim genuinely wanted to keep the farm somehow -  but she also knew that wasn't sustainable - no one was going to live there OR do farm work.

And this is where my telling her about the one-time 1996 development offer of $10 million came into play, which I believe largely influenced her behavior at that time - even though I did tell her it was likely not worth a fraction of that otherwise.

Quite honestly, by the end of all that, it didn't matter to me anymore what happened to the farm because my onetime childhood escape and refuge had now also become another source of family trauma.

But just an FYI -  had Kim let me stay, Mark and I could've boarded horses, as there is a huge need for that in this area now, and Mark has decades of experience. 

Also, if you were going to sell it, had Kim waited until now, she would've made much more. There's a new brand new WaWa restaurant and gas station sitting on the corner, as well as other new restaurants that have gone up fairly close.  Nicholasville has exploded with restaurants and shops in the last 2 years and is still building.

Regardless, the end result turned out exactly as I predicted, though nobody wants to admit it.

The farm is gone, the money is gone, and Kim cut contact with all family and took off to live in Norway permanently, never lifting a finger of giving actual physical or emotional care for Mom.

You can keep making excuses , you can dress it up to try make that about other things -  but in the end, it's exactly as I predicted.

I'm sorry you believed her and went along with it all and justified it - but that IS the truth/reality.

Regardless, I still love you all and have forgiven you (though no one asked lol - and Kim's a little harder, I admit) - but I also can't just pretend that none of that ever happened, I'm sorry.

Aside: I understand why Kim is the way she is more than anybody, and for a long time, I was her biggest defender and excuser.

The truth is, she believes her own internal fears as truth despite lack of evidence and then acts on them as if fact, often preparing for wars that are only going on in her head anyway  - and will say and do anything to convince you, too. She also projects onto everyone else what she is doing (much like Mom did before treatment).

But not standing up to her, excusing her, etc. isn't good for her and it isn't good for anybody else around her, it enables her - and when I stopped doing it in therapy, just before McKenna was born, that is when our pseudo closeness ended.

Also, most of us who have been abused or bullied at some point before adulthood make a decision that we never want to make anyone else feel the way we did - but some others choose instead to adopt those same bullying tactics themselves, perhaps to feel stronger/distract from their own insecurities?

In doing so, they essentially catch the same disease of the people that "bit" them - and thus essentially become them -  without ever realizing it, believing they are justified. 

That is unfortunately what happened to Kim. 

But back to my point, I've tried fairly recently to reconnect with Mom and R, but something inside kept screaming at me, often in the form of nightmares or sleeplessness.

I think because even though I wasn't thinking of any of it consciously, some part of me knew it still wasn't safe AND that though pretending none of it ever happened may work for you, it doesn't work for me. 

I know it will never be acknowledged -  and at 83, Mom really can't and perhaps shouldn't - but I have also since learned to value myself enough to acknowledge it myself when no one else is willing to. 

And as much as I feel compassion for the situation now, I have also learned that there are (and should be) consequences for poor choices made then - the consequences of them shouldn't have been only to me.

Mom's in the best capable hands with Ruthie, who is doing an amazing job😍!

("Bitch, you doing a great job!" 😂)

Now, the only not-so-positive thing I have to say to you, Ru, is - I agree that not getting involved/in the middle shows good boundaries, but only to a point - the exception being, of course, if someone is being harmed or abused by someone else.

At that point, there is an adult responsibility to step in - and citing "boundaries" for not doing so then becomes self-preserving excuse. Ya feel me?  😉 

I adore you, though, Ru - you know that! 🥰

So the best I can do is send you well wishes for birthdays and holidays, just to let you know I still love all of you and always will 💖