Injury Photos, Being in "Ripley" Mode, and Finding a Laugh Where We Can (My Hilarious Airbag Story) ...

 

So most people who know me know that I have PTSD, and what that means for me is during an emergency or crisis, I go immediately into what Mark calls 'Ripley' mode, after Ellen Ripley from the movie "Aliens." 😂

This isn't as bad-ass as it sounds - it just means that my brain already has a pathway created for how to deal with trauma, so I don't feel, I think and solve problems -  much like Ripley did, despite ordinarily feeling "anxious, damaged, unuseful" in life from PTSD, after the first go-round with the aliens.

My brain processing is super clear and super fast,

I don't cry, I don't feel fear, I don't feel much physical pain, I don't "hurt" per se - until I feel safe later and that most problems are solved or being worked on. 

So I have folders for all documentation fully organized in PDFs on my desktop for my insurance, the other driver's insurance, my attorney, and each healthcare provider. 😂

Providers and lawyers are saying things like how "tremendously strong" I am and "amazingly positive" and "great sense of humor"  - but what that actually tells me is that I'm not feeling anything that happened and pretending everything is normal -  I'm on autopilot. 

This gets to the point where I'm so much inside my head and working so tirelessly that Mark has to mimic the line from Aliens - "Okay, Ripley - ease down - ease off the throttle, we're clear, we're safe. But the axle's broken, you're just grinding metal now. Ease down, Honey. Ease down." 😂

You can see that moment from the movie in this clip, which is kinda of a metaphor for our relationship timeline and history as well 

In fact, the only hint of anything I felt emotional about this week at all, I would say, was shame.

The accident wasn't my fault - and yet you still go through the "what could we have done differently?" thing, right? 

Then there's also the shame of had I made different decisions in life - if WE had made different financial decisions in life - this wouldn't be as stressful as far as the situation we're now in financially as a result. 

But you can't get in a time machine and go back, all we can do is move forward and learn, right?

So that passes quickly because shame is a very poor motivator and I don't have time for that shit right now 😂

And I mean, I had help getting to this phase in life financially, too, but we won't go there.

It started to overwhelm me a little bit this weekend when quiet - especially when there was a finding regarding my heart that had nothing to do with the accident, but we ALL overlooked while focused on injuries related to the accident -  but then I said "I don't have time to feel this sh*t and have a pity party lol."

But it's also NOT a great to just expect to live your life as if it didn't happen, pretend like things are going to be the same just as they were before the accident - things have changed, and may stay changed from now on.

I mean, I can't just hop outta bed and in the shower anymore, it takes planning and for a couple of days, Mark just outside the shower curtain to avoid falls, but now, I can do them completely alone if I'm careful.

In fact, the hardest daily thing is getting up out of bed. It actually just pisses me off 😂

It pisses me off to the degree that it gives me the strength to do it, with an aggressive "GRRR" as I do it! 😂

So I have to grab the side of the mattress to lift my ribs carefully, throw my legs over and then slowly straighten out my back because it's so stiff. 

Once I've done that, I take a brief slow stroll around my house to loosen the stiffness, with Mark watching me if not working, which usually works - and then I'm okay, I can manage the rest.

In fact, I'm already off pain meds entirely, saving them only if I move a certain way I shouldn't and/or if things get bad, because there are bad days and good days. 

(I hadn't been able to use the bathroom since it happened, both due to abdominal swelling/contusion and pain meds, so I took myself off them yesterday and had some luck!)

I can't load or unload things into the dishwasher repeatedly, just one quick dip/bend at a time, so that it takes all day if Mark doesn't help lol. 

I can't clean anything below my waist, and lifting above my shoulder level is an issue, too, and absolutely nothing more than the weight of a small plate or glass can be lited.

I can't stand and cook yet, just sit and stir and Mark has to help me with anything needing standing or bending into the oven.

I can take short walks, it actually helps the pain - but no long walks in the park - and definitely not even short ones holding the leash with Ziggy, Mark has to do it.

Speaking of Ziggy, he had to learn what we could and couldn't do and is very smart. He doesn't understand entirely, but does realizes something happened where I'm not at full capacity and is very patient and gentle -and knows what areas can and cannot be touched, right now. 

He lets me know he wants to cuddle, but very gently and tentatively puts a paw on my hand or tests out an area before he puts his weight on it -  then showers my face with kisses, understanding I'm not at full capacity. 🥰

So I made an agreement with myself - I would acknowledge what I had just been through, without feeling it yet, until I feel safe enough.

Below are the photos sent to my attorney. When you see these photos, realize that I was advised to send every photo of any significant visible injury.

Also, keep in mind, I got off easy - it could've been much, much worse.

For example, there was no head or neck injury - likely due to the air bag not deploying properly. 

That may sound weird, but had my airbag deployed properly, I could've had head and neck trauma, too, but I don't thus far.

Then again, the other side of that is, would I have sustained these injuries had the airbag deployed properly? 

THAT, we don't know - but my providers and lawyers are definitely interested in that.

All I know is the way it deployed was actually kind of funny 😂

It kind of puffed out after the car stopped, "pffted" out slowly and to my left, never touching me ... sorta like "Oh, hey -   you were in an accident -   here's a balloon animal!" 😂😂😂

What the ??? 

Anyway, the full list of injuries are:

1.  Blunt force trauma to the abdomen.

2. An L1 vertebral compression fracture.

2. Fractured 11th rib.

3. Nondisclosed left wrist fracture - very small, just discovered 2 days ago.

4. Sprained left ankle.

5. Right knee laceration - no stiches required, and multiple cuts and scrapes I didn't even notice until like the third day 😂 

 

  

Some of these photos show the injuries, some do not because they're internal - and keep in mind, they look worse than they feel to me, so don't freak out - but yeah, it was a lot.

These were taken Wednesday, and remember, objects appear larger than they normally are, due to swelling ... 

Blunt force trauma to the abdomen (seatbelt injury) resulting in the rib and vertebral fractures  ...

Small nondisplaced left wrist fracture ... 

Left ankle sprain ... 

Right upper arm bruising 

There was also bruising to the hips from the seatbelt, but those also included some more intimate areas, so leaving them off here lol.

It's a little better every day, and as I said, it's feels better than it looks - and could've been worse!