White Flag - I Resigned - Too Old And Tired To Go to HR And Create Havoc

I have hinted at this situation a few months ago, without naming names or what this was regarding, and I really thought it had resolved.

At this point, I give up.

I have written my letter of resignation for January, giving them enough time to train someone else and for me to find other employment.

Because I realized something - if they really believed she really said the below to me on that first call she made to my personal phone 2 months ago, then they wouldn't have left us all unsupervised for 2 weeks while my boss was on vacation these past 2 weeks..

In their defense, maybe they thought things had improved - which I did too - until Friday.

And now, after writing and sending my resignation letter, I'm going to write it all out, the history - if nothing else, to free myself from the stress, because I can now.

A history which I'm not gonna tell HR, I'm just gonna go - nobody wants to go through that, it's creating the maximum amount of drama, worse than the events themselves.

So for the past 6 months, at 56 years old, I landed the best job of my life - the one that I hoped would take me into my retirement.

Everyone was so kind and helpful, there appeared to be no cutthroat competition at this one like I'd seen before, due to our field rapidly being replaced by AI.

I thought I hit the job lottery - and I otherwise really did - except for the following, which no one really knows the full story of - until now.

I mean, no place is perfect, but after watching the same cutthroat stuff increase in my dwindling field, the past 15 years or so, I honestly thought it wasn't going to be an issue here, because we weren't paid on productivity or quality, we are paid hourly, and there was no place to be promoted to.

Then in early September, when my boss was away for 2 days after I received much accolade for my performance  - like that I was the fastest on record to ever pass training and about my positive, encouraging attitude, my sense of humor,  blah, blah, blah - a coworker called me on my personal phone instead of through Teams.

Imagine my shock, after previously having nothing but positive experience with her, in a nutshell, to essentially accuse me of trying to "make her look bad," then running down her resume about how much more qualified she was than me, how much more experienced she was than me.

Um ... I wasn't trying to outshine or upstage her in any way -   I was just trying to do a good job, appreciative for having hit the job lottery.

Worse, THEN she this, I swear to God:  

"If you try to tell anyone about this, good luck - they won't believe you -  I'm good here, everyone loves me." 

When I pointed out it was pretty clear she was unhappy with me/she was upset on Teams after slightly snipping at me the day before, she said ...  

"Where did I say this on Teams? There's no proof. I was a bit short, but they don't know what I said on the phone, there's no proof."

I got chills, that was so creepy.

In fact, only 3 other people in my life have said that to me, but in my personal life - and they earned those chills later, believe me.

So at that point, I politely excused myself from the call, voice shaking - I was literally scared of her - because that was genuinely psycho and creepy.

Then my body started shaking.

DAMN my PTSD reactions/body betrayal!

I then called to EAP, then got back into therapy, trying to figure out what I did to bring this on myself.

To be honest, I almost quit that day, in PTSD fight-or-flight mode, but they convinced me to stay.

(To be fair, I was also running a 102-degree temperature from having the RSV virus.)

My therapist and I went over it and over it. 

I asked her "Is it because I did this? Maybe I shouldn't have done that?"

As hard as it is for me to believe, she said I did not bring this on myself NOR deserve it.

They said this actually happened because I was doing well - and the proof was the reason she claimed to initially be upset with me, before she launching into me, didn't even make any sense - it didn't even make sense to management later.

But I apologized anyway, like I do, for even upsetting her, initially always assuming things are my fault.

EAP - and my therapist - both encouraged me to tell my bosses or HR, and we'd find out if X was correct, my bosses wouldn't believe me and she had them in her pocket/successfully manipulated them to see her the way she wants.

They said that was actually scary, even for people who didn't have PTSD, and akin to a threat - and that if it wasn't taken seriously, that'd be a red flag here.

I didn't want to - because going to HR is more stressful and dramatic than the event itself!

AND it would only prove her paranoia to herself, that I AM somehow trying to make her look bad, when I'm not, with her never realizing that if I did go to HR, she'd created a self-fulfilling prophecy herself.

AND I've never, ever seen that work out for anyone, others or myself - ever. 

Even in a clear case I saw of racist bullying that we all witnessed, , the victim didn't win with HR due to not enough proof..

Because the truth is, HR is there to protect the company, not you. 

And bullying is rampant in the workplace and in general society, right now, even applauded - you're expected to put up and shut up, be strong.

Okay, well, what if you can't/aren't?



These days, it's not enough to do your job well,and be kind and helpful - you have to either play or withstand unnecessary passive-aggressive games with people, like you're on an episode of Survivor!

Again, what if you can't or don't want to?

Why don't bosses or HR do anything, even in blatant cases?

Because the truth is, not only is it very difficult to prove because they usually do it when no one else is around, but  nobody wants to deal with it - they're hoping it will pass, it'll resolve itself, that it's just a personality conflict between them, instead of what it is - a bully and a victim.

Also, bosses are often distracted with other tasks - and bullies know that and take full advantage of it - they are, above all, are patient opportunists and wait for the perfect moment no eyes are on them and there's no proof.

Thus, they do usually win in the workplace.

In this situation, I was afraid to even go to management.

That is because just a few weeks before, X said something that appeared slightly snarky in chat. I happened to be on the phone with my boss at the time, still in training, and I asked her:

"Okay, what X just wrote - am I taking this wrong or is she being snarky? You know how things look snarky in chat that aren't, right? And I don't know her well. It's probably that, right? 

My boss said: 

"Yeah, it's just that no tone thing. Because X would nevvverr, ever say anything mean to anyone. I see what it looks like, but she probably just wrote it quickly."

So I doubted myself and chalked it up to my misinterpreting it.

But after the psycho call, I thought about that again - and figured  X was right - she had successfully manipulated management and I wouldn't be believed. 

But in the end, though scared, I did what EAP and my therapist said to do - I followed through on telling my bosses the full story, scared shitless.

To their credit, they confronted her about it and she did admit she was upset and yelling - but not what she said.

My boss told her it was unacceptable, and that I had been offered going to HR, but I had refused, but if it happened again, I would.

Unfortunately, the department boss also admitted that she forgot to address the actual content of what she said, which was the only reason I ever told management. I never would've contacted HR over yelling.

My boss said she focused on what she did admit to - the inappropriateness of calling me and yelling at a new person that she barely knew and how completely unacceptable that was. 

And that this is why we have Teams calls, so we can record and track what is said.

Curiously, X says her Teams calls are broken and this is why she has to use personal phones - and she won't let IT on her computer to fix them because she doesn't trust them.

Is that the real reason, tho? 

Because now, I'm wondering if the real reason she refuses to get her Teams calls fixed is so she can speak to others off the record.

Regardless, my boss apologized for not addressing the content, said she'd never had to deal with this before, and maybe I should escalate it to HR who had more experience with these things?

I told her what I wrote above -  if I did that, that would only prove to X her paranoia, that I AM out to make her look bad, and she'd never realize this was self-fulfilling prophecy she brought on herself -  - but if it happened again, I would. As long as they were aware, all good.

Then I pretended like it didn't happen and went on.

I isolated for a while, just kept my head down did my job, kept all communication brief, polite, and professional, to the bare minimum.

Then, realizing this is all based on her own insecurities, I started pointing out great things X did, pointing out mistakes I made in front of her and the whole team and laughing about them, deferring to her seniority publicly.

I thought maybe if I did that, she'd feel less threatened.

There were a few little passive-aggressive moves since, but nothing like that call - so I thought maybe it was a one-off, she got caught, and she'd never do it again. 

I even began to doubt myself again.

"Did that really happen? Did I misunderstand?

Then my boss went on vacation for the past 2 weeks.

The first week was great, no issues whatever, we all worked together as a team, no issues, in fact, joking around and taking turns handling assignments, it was great. 

Then, after handling some difficult issues that arose that day in the first week, I got an email from another department from someone saying "Chrystal, you are fantastic!!!!" in front of everyone in the thread.

I appreciated it, but also thought to myself "Op, shhhhh ... that kinda talk will set X off towards me again!" lol.

But it didn't - at first.

In fact, at first, it seemed the opposite happened.

I received a call from X again, though we're not supposed to be communicating off the record.

My heart started beating, I couldn't get my iPhone recorder to work fast enough, and I told her in private chat that we were supposed to keep all communication on Teams.

She asked me to trust her for a second.

So I gave her another chance - and answered.

To my surprise and delight, she apologized for her prior behavior - said she was overwhelmed that day with personal stuff, but "God laid it on her heart to apologize to me."

(She is a charismatic evangelical Christian.)

I almost cried, in a good way, I swear - and I still do believe it was sincere.

She also told me she actually really liked me, I was funny, very capable, and showered me with a bunch of compliments that seemed sincere (but when she does them with people randomly online, they look a little OTT and insincere, like she's trying to appear positive if I'm honest).

During the conversation, she brought up her sister dying in a car accident when they were teenagers - which happened to literally be 1 day after I wrote on here about Marian getting killed in a car accident.

I thought to myself, Yeah, she probably read it, but maybe that's a good thing, she's trying to relate to me using it to get past this."

We had a really great conversation, actually, about God and the "whys" - why God seems to sometimes take the best people from our lives.

She called me "Sister," in a Christian sense - actually ending the call that way.

I was so happy.

In fact, I immediately wrote my therapist telling her this is the first time in my life any of those 3 people who ever said those "no one will believe you" words to me ever apologized - it was healing.

We both were overjoyed and were happy that I'd stayed the course instead of running.

It even helped my faith struggled I mentioned on here in my post about Marian.

So imagine how shocked I was -  on this 2nd week of my boss's vacation - when X did what she did Friday ...

Regarding a report that had been held for weeks, she updated it - and left off my contributions to the report the day prior - as if I hadn't.

How?

She went back to the same thread, but from a week ago, before she replied - which completely omitted what I'd done.

This person had asked the team to send an email reminder to her the next week about this issue.

My boss told her she would be on vacation, too, but someone on the team would remind her. 

So I flagged it to remind myself to remind her, as requested.

On the day of his return, I first waited for X or anyone else to do so first for several hours, not wanting to step on X's toes if she was gonna do it.

When no one else did, I wrote an email reminder to this person as she had requested the week prior.

I then sent a later follow-up email in that thread that the doc was in the report now (the next step being you send a follow up when it's been completed).

The next morning, before I came in,  X bypassed my updates, went to that old email from the week prior - leaving out my reminder and contributions completely - and pronounced herself the one to be the one to remind this person and update on this report. 

Just to be clear - providing an update on a report can be done by any of us and is NOT the issue. 

The issue is, using an older email in the thread instead of the most recent updates, so it would look like she provided the reminder instead of me, when our boss returned on Monday  😉

In fact, it's not only credit snatching, it's a well-known passive-aggressive bully move and worse - it's an attempt at semi-sabotage of a coworker.

So I added to the email thread:

 "Thank you, X, not sure if you saw my reminder yesterday, but thanks for the followup and update. Favor to ask, though? Any way we  can we keep all updates on the same full thread so that we can keep track of who did what already on these? That way, we don't have to go digging through separate emails to see who did what already lol."

You know, like an IT ticket - you can track what's already been tried or done, right?

This is new for me, to stand up for myself directly the person, because that never went well in my younger life.

Essentially, I was politely calling her on it "Girl, I see you/what you did."

And she knew it - then wrote me me in private chat ...

X: "I did see your responses, but chose to update this morning using a prior email in the thread, when I saw he still had it locked.

 

Me: "Yes, I see that. It's a little odd you left off my updates, but whatevs, as long as it's clear I tried to help yesterday, all good lol."

Then, about 30 minutes later, I realized  - no, it's not all good.

 

Me: "Okay, help me understand - why did you leave my reminder and update off the thread again - did I say something wrong?"

After about 10 minutes, after I saw dots flying, stop, start up again, stop, she just responded:

 X: "I kept it on the same thread and updated the team, I did what I was supposed to do. If you have a problem with it, take it up with our boss when she gets back."

Yeah, she did keep it on the same thread, but that's not the whole truth - she used an old email in the thread, leaving out out mine. 

Me:  "So ... I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that there was good explanation as to why you chose to leave off my reminder and update, other than what it looks like by asking you - and you are choosing not to take it. Because I'll be honest with you, it looks like you're trying to ignore my contribution and take credit for the reminder. And if that's the case, that's fine, you can have the credit and continue the follow-up - I don't care about credit lol."

And you know what?

I don't care if she gets credit.

I DO care she tried to erase my contribution, though.

So I became confused as to what to do now.

If I report this, I will look like the problem, which is what she's hoping all do.

I was confused, trying to reconcile this person with that person who apologized just a week ago.

But actually, more than that - I was personally heartbroken.

I mean, was that sincere  -  or is she just a really good manipulator, trying to gain back my trust, only so she can stick it to me again?

Well, she succeeded.

And I'm an idiot for not trusting my instincts and giving her another chance, aren't I?

This is a chronic problem for me.

Doubting myself, blaming myself, and giving 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances kept me in toxic relationships and situations for way too long - I spent over half of my life doing that.

Whether she means to be sincere but her insecurities overtake her or she was manipulating me the whole time - including using car-accident death of someone we're close to as a way back in - I'm an idiot for falling for it again - so it IS my fault, in end,

While stewing over what to do, I remembered Marian's advice on how to deal with a similar personality (disorder) in my family who behaves this way, trying not to overreact based on that transference.

(THAT is MY responsibility in this - staying calm and not overreacting based on prior experience - because she really IS behaving this way, same patterns - I no longer doubt myself, I know now I'm not imaging it, it's not transference.)

So I had an idea - I'd wrote a post about Marian's advice, both  to remind myself and as a soft of test, to find out if X was reading my blog for certain.

Without revealing how it was somewhat confirmed at work by following the same pattern as this personality-disordered person in my personal past, I can tell you that the telltale sign was my tracker revealing that someone from her area of the country hit not only that post, the prior post I wrote in September (in which I never mentioned it was a work situation), and my original positive post celebrating passing training with my workplace name in it - over 20 times within 24 hours.

I mean, I don't have the exact IP address, but who else from that area of the country would do that, those specific posts, over 20 times in 24 hours, right?

And WHY is she on just those posts 20 times in 24 hours - looking for something she can use, either to manipulate me with again or use against me?

Regardless, I don't know and I don't care - I don't want a battle, I want out, because this clearly isn't going to stop.

I'm too old, don't have enough time and energy.

X ... and my fight or flight ... may both win, I don't care anymore.

And I clearly am really permanently damaged, haven't learned a friggin thing in life, and suck at life.

So I slept on it - and 36 hours later, I decided to put in my letter of resignation, last night, for January, giving them enough time to train someone else and also for me to find a new job.

Needless to say, this was the best job of my life, and I am ... heartbroken.

Everything and everybody else were amazing, they really were.

I'm also heartbroken because I put my last bit of my mustard seed faith in God, who got infused into this situation through X's effort to "help" me with my faith and her apology, to the point that I almost started to have faith in God and hope again - and then having it turn out the same way  - I can honestly the last bit of faith and hope I had in that, or myself - just died.

As for faith in myself, like I said, I am clearly permanently damaged, I've become so fragile I can't take a stiff wind anymore, I'm tired of it all - and no amount of therapy is going to fix it. 

You know that Nietzsche saying "That which does not kill us makes us stronger?"

That's complete bullshit. 

It actually makes you damaged and weaker, even disabled - and dang if there aren't a plethora of predatory people that can sniff that weakness out in a room full of other people. 

But I'll be okay - somehow I always am.

I wish I was different and didn't have PTSD fight or flight responses.

I guess you could say, at least at first I tried to ignore my "it's all happening again the exact same way" common PTSD fear that precedes the fight-or-flight response and stayed with it to find out at first.

Dang if it didn't.

Congratulations, Christian "Sister" ... and you called me in that last call.

I just resigned. 

You one by default an unnecessary competition that only existed in your own head, brava!

Not only that, but you succeeded in helping me kill that last bit of mustard-seed faith I was struggling with, which you appeared to try help me with in that last call - so thank you?

I think you were sincere - but I also think you do things out of your own insecurities that you either aren't aware of or honest with yourself about,  to the point you end up behaving in ways that are counterproductive to the person you mean to be.

Regardless, I hope you get what you want, I really do - and I hope all of this towards me was worth it.

But  before you chalk this up to another "Glory to God" or to  "Thank Jesus" moment - was it really thanks to him or how low you'd stoop out of your own insecurities? 

Since you're still a fan of Jesus - and I'm not, after this, this killed the last mustard seed of faith I had after Marian - I leave you with this verse you may have overlooked, since I'm apparently renting space in your head enough that you're visiting her multiple times a day  ... 

 

"Mark 8:26"For what doth it profit a main to gain the whole world but forfeit his soul in the process?"

There's something for you to reflect on ...  "Sister," as you called me that day ... and when you support your likely Trump hero, you might reflect on it, as well.

Take care ...