Diagnosed Bipolar Parent In Denial and Lessons Learned ...

The prior situation mentioned has been resolved.  (I hope.)

Thus, I have parked some posts in draft - NOT because I'm hiding anything, but because I didn't want to make the situation worse.

(For the record, I have a tracker, which I've had since the early days of blogging because of an ex. Not a super detailed one with IP addresses and exact locations like I used to have, just general information about the state and country you're viewing from, unless you're using a proxy.)

Regardless, this post is about my reaction to it - what I can do better and can control versus what I can't, about the situation. 

As mentioned, someone I have only known for a few months,  and that I have had only peripheral interactions with, called me up and tore into me, over something I said, for which there was honestly no ill intention - and then pointed out to me that there was no proof of what they said and I wouldn't be believed versus them.

This is my 2nd biggest fear in life, not being believed if something happens - and I thought I'd never hear anyone say anything close to "there's no proof I did this, you won't be believed" ever again.

Now that's it's been few days, I can see more clearly that those words are only spoken by a person who consciously knows what they're doing is wrong and trying to hide it. 

It shocked me  - because I genuinely thought nothing but positive about this person, and had you asked me before that call, I wouldn't have ever dreamed she was even capable. 

(I noticed a couple of things in hindsight that I didn't think much of at the time, of course, like ya do.)

Regardless, though I sincerely had no ill intent, I apologized profusely for having hurt/upset her - but the tirade didn't stop.

Thus, that particular wording took me directly into a full blown PTSD fight-or-flight "It's all happening again" panic, and other places I don't need to go in my head.

So I just politely excused myself from the phone rather than even try to get in any more than the apology. 

I didn't realize I was physically shaking until about 5 minutes later,  and felt like a weak loser for it.

Because it instantly rocked me back 20 years ago to my ex-husband, but more importantly, to my childhood - the only other times someone has literally said "there's no proof and no one will believe you."

Then I went into full PTSD fight-or-flight mode, wanting to flee - because when I tried to fight back with my mom or my exhusband decades ago, they were right - I wasn't believed.

I also knew that they were right, I had no proof.

I decided that this time, I wasn't gonna "fight" OR "flee" - I'd simply quietly say something, admitting I had no proof and thus didn't want a huge investigation and a bunch of drama and wait and see what happened, rather than  run.

At that point, she did admit that she called me "upset" - not the scary stuff she said.  

(She didn't have much choice - the only proof I did have were 2 calls from her, none to her.)

It was somewhat validating to learn that even after she explained what upset her, no one fully understood why she was THAT upset, even if I HAD meant it the way she thought.

This includes the person who heard what I said - who also didn't take it like she did - and this person genuinely likes both of us, is very fair, and tries to see everyone's perspective.

Like I said, I apologized the moment she called me - NOT because I meant it at all like she said, quite the contrary -  but because I genuinely felt badly for hurting or upsetting her.

When questioned, she admitted calling me "upset," but not the content - and there was no apology.

I think that speaks volumes about the truth. 

However, I let it go at that point because I knew there was no proof - adding that I would be recording my calls from now on and that if anything ever happened again, I would take it further.

So I did all the stuff I learned in therapy - mindfulness, grounding, waiting for evidence that it's all going to turn out like it did before/happening again, rather than just being triggered because someone or something in the situation is genuinely similar. 

And yet those words said to me rocked me so hard, so powerfully, the usual coping/therapeutic stuff wasn't working. 

I went to the "floaty place" since and still am - that stare place where everything seems surreal,  you feel disconnected, like you're watching a movie, like it can't really be happening, asking yourself: "Did that really just happen? No, it couldn't have!"

I mean, I'm present, oriented, and I'm aware of everything that's going on, I'm responding appropriately, it just feels like a dream.

For people who don't have PTSD, the closest I can describe is that sort of surreal place you go when someone you're close to dies - the first few days, including the funeral?

The best depiction of actual PTSD detachment that I've ever seen in film is in Saving Private Ryan - when Tom Hanks is leaning against the tank, the sounds gets muffled around him and the lens makes things look really far away rather than close, and though he's bleeding, he can't feel it - he just has this "WTF" look on his face?

And when a soldier finds him and is talking to him, it doesn't make sense to him and he can't really hear them, he's floating - not because he's dying, he doesn't even feel his injuries - because he's in PTSD shock.

THAT is the "floaty place" of PTSD  - which you will experience again after the initial trauma, when met with a trigger similar enough to the original trauma. 

.

I'm told that's actually healthy, it's the brain trying to protect you from insanity or chaos - sometimes misplaced later with PTSD  triggers. 

My husband can tell, because I get the infamous "1,000-yard stare" - even though I'm looking directly at him and responding appropriately, albeit more slowly.  I can still function, I'm just detached. 

A couple of times, I've actually gone nonverbal for a few hours, literally can't speak if I tried - but it's literally been a decade since that happened, and didn't happen this time, thank God.

What usually works to pull me out of "the floaty place" are grounding exercises, tactile stimulation, like. 

1. Pet my pug...   

2. Hold ice.  

3. Hold a warm cup of tea.   

4. Feel the texture of something soft or even with uneven texture.   

5. Hold my husband's hand, while he softly tells me"You're safe now. I'm here. I'm sorry you are reexperiencing this, but I'm here with you. I got you. I'm right here, when you feel safe enough."

Anything I can touch to remind me of where I am now versus the original trauma.

And the nightmares are back, gone since 2022. 

As are the thoughts like ... "You are the common denominator so you are the problem" and "you are damaged beyond repair, you're 56 and still suck at life, you're burden to Mark " and "You are trapped in this with no way out and no one will believe you, like she said. Run now."

Now, I need to say that prior to this call, I have felt the happiest and safest I have ever felt in my life. 

So once you think you've beaten PTSD, it's an extra kick in the teeth when you discover you haven't - because you've run into someone that intentionally wants you to feel unsafe and get out of their way, and you go right back there, even if it's been decades.

My therapist retired 3 years ago and I was feeling I didn't really need it anymore, I had healed much. 

However, I decided to return to therapy over this situation because none of the things I usually do to deal with triggers were working - because I was facing one of my 2 biggest fears/triggers. 

So I called the service and told the intake therapist the kind of thoughts I was having  again and hadn't for while - I was the common denominator, it must be something I couldn't see and my prior therapist couldn't see, and I'm too old now to fix it, yada, yada, yada.

But this person essentially said something that immediately brought things into laser sharp focus:

Intake Coordinator: "So, just gonna throw this out there, but do you have a bipolar parent? 

WHAM. 

Me:  "OMG, YES ... bipolar I, schizoaffective disorder and mixed "Cluster-B" personality disorder.  How did you know that?!?" 

"My mother, who was briefly a psychiatric nurse, at the time, when I was a teenager. She went to desperate, abusive lengths to cover it up and blame other people, especially anyone that witnessed an episode." 

" I was the first child to realize not all of her behavior could be explained by trauma from my Dad, who really did abuse her."

 

Intake Coordinator: "Yep. I asked because I can hear the therapy in you, trying to validate your own perception, but I also hear the attacked child, apologizing repeatedly for some slight infraction, real or imagined, from a parent who won't stop even after an apology. The child doesn't realize the parent CAN'T stop." 

"And for the record, I believe you - you're triggered, yes, but it's valid and would've freaked anyone out. But you behaved like that overly scolded child of a bipolar mother because this person at least temporarily genuinely was behaving like  one.  Whether she is or isn't doesn't matter - what matters is, you gotta learn to do when people act out of proportion to the situation, right?

 

"Now - do you think she's sitting there asking herself what's wrong with her or what she could do differently? Did your mother? No - the only apologies uttered were from YOU - so I doubt it. She likely still sees herself as the victim."  

WHAM again. 

She continued ... 

 

"Yes, you're the common denominator - that doesn't make you "the problem." The problem is, you react very strongly to people at least temporarily exhibiting bipolar and/or personality disorder traits. It sends you flying, into fight or flight mode, because of your history. And it makes total sense and it IS normal, given what you grew up with." 

"I'm NOT saying this person IS bipolar, I don't know them and it'd be irresponsible for me to diagnose them based on third-party limited information." 

"I'm saying that the rapid-fire, pressured speech of the call, the sudden grandiosity, the rage due to imagined slight, to someone they barely know - this person was genuinely exhibiting bipolar symptoms,  at least temporarily - but you didn't even realize that until I listed them out just now, did you? 😂

 

Me: "Oh my God ... you're right, I didn't! I mean, I knew she reminded me of my mother and my ex, but figured that was MY problem." 

 

Intake Coordinator: "See? You've done great work on yourself, how you can cope and respond better, but you're still pathologizing yourself, still focused on what doing wrong, rather than  what you're doing right and validating your own perception that someone really IS acting unwell." 

"And I'm NOT villainizing people with bipolar disorder, we treat them every day. When they accept their diagnosis and treatment and stay on their meds, they are some of the loveliest people I know."

"But it also depends on their codiagnoses. And we know that untreated/inadequately treated bipolars can be extremely challenging. In fact, when they're in mania, good luck trying to convince them they're sick, because they feel great." 

"Many are hyperfunctional when manic, but unfortunately, people have the misconception that truly mentally ill people can't function, without realizing that with bipolar disorder, hyperfunctionality, lots of energy and being overly upbeat is a symptom of the disorder, mania. It's only when they drop into depression they can't function." 

"And the longer they go untreated or inadequately treated or n denial, the better they become at how to hide it and and who from. " 

 

Me: "Interestingly, once my mom was more open to treatment and went on appropriate meds, after a total  psychotic break 14 years ago -  she's like a different person. Well, we still see shades of it, plus she has the other disorders, but overall, like a different person. She was hospitalized before, but we blamed my dad, who really was abusive. But there was no one at all around this time to blame."

 

"So on that note, how do you know I'M not the bipolar in the room and hiding it?" 😂

 

Intake Coordinator: "LOL! Good point - you could be, but I highly doubt it." 

"First of all, if you were bipolar and hiding it, you wouldn't be asking and drawing my attention to it! 😂."  

"Secondly, successfully treated bipolars know they're bipolar. Untreated or inadequately treated bipolars blame everybody else - they don't call me up insisting there's something wrong with them that wasn't caught earlier that was missed in therapy! 😂"

 

"You're saying 'this has happened before - what's wrong with me?!?' - that's completely different than blaming other people. " 

"Everything you've said is consistent with PTSD, but I don't know you well. Have you ever been evaluated yourself for bipolar disorder, since there's a genetic component?"

 

Me:  Yep, 4 times - because at the time, I was convinced I was the problem. Once I even checked myself into a hospital for 3 days, just to have them give me a battery of tests to find out" 

Intake Coordinator: "Yeah? How'd that go?"

 

Me: "The end result was compound PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, depressive disorder, and social anxiety. Apparently, I somehow missed the bipolar gene. Got the anxiety, though."

 

Intake Coordinator: "With 2 long-term therapists since telling you the same - but you still don't believe anyone else - why?

"Because your now certified bipolar-with-psychotic-features, personality-disordered mother said so?"

"So what, she was once briefly a psychiatric nurse? There are a lot of nuts in this field, too. It's a good place to hide." 

"She was also an untreated bipolar with psychotic features in denial,  desperately trying to hide it -  so desperate, she manipulated others into helping gaslight her own daughter, to validate herself." 

 

Me: "Lol, good point. Okay, so ... it feels like people with similar issues to my mom and dad both sniff me out, is that crazy? I mean, I realized in therapy I was drawn to those personalities, but I thought I kicked that through therapy and don't have anyone like that in my life anymore -  so why is this happening again?" 

 

Intake Coordinator: "LOL, no, and in a way, you're not wrong." 

"It's kinda like the child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic in denial can sniff each other out more quickly than other people, same concept. Even if you try not to let on or avoid them, they know you know. And don't forget your hypervigilance from PTSD. Your instincts were probably already flaring, but you dismissed them, didn't you?"

"Maybe they sense damaged boundaries and try to work you. Or maybe they know you know or are afraid you know" 

"What you have to learn are specific skills that you can do not to overreact to it, when you run across a person like this, because there are 5.7 million bipolars in this country, and that's just the ones we know of who who finally accept treatment, let alone people misdiagnosed as depression or anxiety.  You can't run away from them all."

Me: "Yeah, when I think about it hindsight, I did get a weird vibe from her a few times, but dismissed it. Because in times past,  I have overreacted and then looked like the crazy one lol."

 

Intake Coordinator: "Yeah, but the difference is, you feel remorse and embarrassment -  they don't - at least until an episode is over or they are on treatment if bipolar -  but if there are codiagnoses there, they may never feel remorse and continue to justify it, because they can't see situations clearly." 

"Most of the time, with people with just bipolar disorder ONLY - not with any dual diagnoses or multiple diagnoses to include substance-use disorder - it isn't as personal as it feels. even if they try to convince you it is.." 

"The goal isn't actually to scare you or hurt you  - they're just  desperate. Desperately trying to avoid anyone else finding out about their behavior." 

"So they project, deflect, gaslight and manipulate, to include others into helping them do it, to validate themselves. 

It sounds "evil," but it's actually  not, there's empathy in there for others - they're just desperate, in their minds, in survival mode."

"So what ya gotta do is realize that, own what's yours, and leave the rest on them and set a boundary that you understand how they feel, but how they are acting on it is unacceptable. Trust yourself -  your perception is actually really good, because your mother was, in fact, bipolar with psychotic features, and she knew it - she just wanted you to doubt it." 

"So, you ready to get back into therapy and work on that?" 

 

"PTSD sometimes needs maintenance visits, and that's okay, it doesn't make you weak or crazy or "the one with the problem" - it makes you wounded and someone just intentionally poked a stick in an old scar. Life is hard, especially  right now, and especially for people with PTSD." 

"Sounds like you were doing pretty well until this, coping well overall, so it should take just a few visits focused on this particular subject." 

Girl, yes, please! Sign me up, ASAP? 😂

Oh. My. God, that's amazing she knew that.

In fact, it was so helpful, that for the first time in my life, though initially shaking, I kept my butt right in my seat in this situation rather than running away immediately, and I moved past and through it and moved on. 

I wish someone had said those words to me when I was young teenager, would've saved me a lot heartache, but better late than never, I guess.

Regardless, thank you, intake therapist lady 🥰