"The Body Keeps The Score" - Bessel van der Kolk, MD

*edited for length

So after talking to that intake coordinator that I mentioned a few posts ago, unfortunately, there were only a few therapists available in my state, and they were booked up for 2 months.

I'm totally fine with seeing a therapist out of state, even would prefer that, because Kentucky isn't exactly a mecca of up-to-date mental health professionals, but apparently, that's not how these services work lol.

So I used another one, a bigger platform, and I really like her! Very smart, very funny, very knowledgeable.

She recommended this book and it just arrived ...

I asked her something like .....

"Is this one of those books where you feel like you're drowning in symptoms, but all the doctor does is describe the temperature of the water and what it feels like to drown, without providing any actionable tools to help you get yourself out? Because I've read all those" 😂

She answered honestly, something like:

"Hahaha! Eh, there is some of that that, but there are some tools that are helpful. The main reason I want you to read it is you're a reader and also work in healthcare, so I want you to fully understand the science behind what's going on with your body, why you feel like it's betraying you, when it thinks it's helping you."

"But the best part is, we have science to prove you're NOT permanently damaged because of the brain's neuroplasticity - you CAN retrain your brain at any age to use different pathways."

"This neural pathway you've created -  this pattern you've developed of running and hiding, giving overly competitive, sometimes even aggressive people exactly what they want - believing you'll lose if you fight back/compete because you did before - worked for you and was appropriate to survive your family and your exhusband." 

"However, in everyday life, running and hiding, giving overly competitive or even aggressive people what they want, is actually working against your survival financially."

Fair enough.

I knew a little bit about the neural pathways formed during trauma that were developed to keep you safe but don't really work in the everyday world, but that there is neuroplasticity, proving you can create new ones - but I could learn more, for sure.


Now, in reading criticism of the book, some trauma researchers have felt that though a better perspective on trauma than in years past, there is still too much "victim-blaming" - too much focus on what the victim could have done/should do differently, and not enough focus on what society should do about their aggressors inflicting much trauma on others. 

I get both sides of that argument. 

When I first entered therapy in my early 20s in the late 80s, that was the focus - what percentage of responsibility I carried in my own abuse - what choices I made to get myself into the situation - what I could do differently to avoid this again and not bring this on myself. 

Because I already believed I was the problem, I came away after 5 years in therapy, blaming myself actually more than I already did, so I actually felt worse, in a way.

But in another way, I felt falsely empowered -  if I just practiced and used this stuff, made different choices, had good boundaries, communicated differently, my life would go better and this would never happen to me ever again.


BZZZZ ... wrong ... oh, if only it were that simple.

Though taking responsibility is an important part of therapy - as well as learning better communication approaches, making better choices and having better boundaries - if overly focused on, it implies that you have control over/are responsible for the behavior choices others make towards you, when the truth is - you're not that powerful.

It implies that had you just done A, B, and C, it all works like some sort of secret magic combination lock, so this would never have happened to you, when we don't know that.

Sometimes even if we say and do, A, B, and C according to textbook therapy/better communication, try to diffuse situations or conversely, set boundaries, people still are who they are and do what they do - and your efforts at "boundaries" now only pisses aggressive people off more.

A hypothetical/metaphorical situation to illustrate my point -  although granted, most problems aren't so so clear cut.

There is often percentage of responsibility to be taken. Sometime it's 50/50, sometimes it's 80/20, and sometimes, it's 100% someone else at fault.

Let's say you left your wallet in the car and forgot to lock it, either feeling overly safe in your neighborhood or momentary distraction - and it was stolen

You could say: "Well, if I'd locked my car, they wouldn't have stolen my wallet. This is all my fault."

No, it isn't.

Yeah, you could've done things differently to protect yourself - but the thief is still a thief regardless of what you did or didn't do.

Sure, you can learn to make better choices and protect yourself, but would that prevent a thief from being a thief or actually protect you?

Maybe for a minute longer, in some cases.


For example, a couple of years ago, we had car break-ins in the neighborhood, where some cars were unlocked, others weren't.

They stole from the cars either way, locked or unlocked - but actually smashed the windows of the cars that were unlocked.


Am I saying you shouldn't lock your car then and it's okay to leave valuable stuff in your car?

Of course not.

I'm saying people want what they want - and some people will resort to aggression to get it, no matter what "better communication" or "boundaries" you put up to protect yourself.

And with those types, they have absolutely no interest in resoving things with you or parsing out who takes responsibilty for what -  and if they can get you to blame yourself entirely, even better.

They want they want, and you can just eff off - either give them what they want or stay out of their way 😂


Overly competitive, aggressive people - even bullies - are still who they are, regardless of what you do or don't do.

(And let's face it, those types are running amuck, right now, without sanction or sentence; in fact, even rewarded for this behavior.)

Unfortunately, it's misinterpreted as "strength," when all it really proves is that we, as humans, are in fact still just a bunch of clever chimps 😂

But why we still go to therapy is to learn what you CAN do differently because that's all you CAN control, and it can be empowering; HOWEVER,  that does NOT mean you can prevent other people from doing what they do. 

So my goal in reading this book to help understand better what is going on with my body and the neural pathways I've created to deal with trauma triggers, recognizing that neuroplasticity exists and I can change the pathways - and that's what I will be working on in therapy.


That does NOT mean we get to blame me or my PTSD as an overreactive, weak freak for everything, that there wasn't a real "thief in my car," so to speak, or that I will never in my life run across another "thief" in my lifetime, regardless of what I do or don't do.

It means I've been metaphorically "stolen" from before and this person's behavior was genuinely similar enough to that original "thief "to take my body back decades - period.

And actually, on the plus side, it can sometimes even mean that because of my PTSD hypervigilance, I will notice a "thief" in the room before others.


Whether or not this person is or is not that metaphorical "thief" remains to be seen - it requires more evidence.

So for now, I just learn to protect myself better, thank my brain and body for trying to tell me something, rather than shaming myself for it, and observe the situation withholding judgment, neither fight nor flight.