This one's for me (and whoever else finds it helpful).
Hope you can tolerate my ramble through my confusion over it first, though, alrighty?
So as mentioned a couple of months ago, I'm back in therapy.
The thing about therapy is, you have to go back to places to try your damnedest to pretend didn't happen so you can function, right?
But they still affect you today, even when you least expect it - so you have to, even though it's hard.
Therapy is NOT 'venting' while someone pats you on the back.
You have to address stuff - stuff you try not to think about and forget so that you can function.
In my case, the shame associated with trauma - whether you were a child and it wasn't your fault or you were an adult but made a choice that you regret, whatever the case may be - your fault, their fault, or the moon's fault - there's still shame, embarrassment, humiliation.
And that shame needs to be addressed and viewed differently now - what you could've done differently and what you couldn't/had no control over, despite what you may tell yourself that keeps it going.
Essentially, you are are held captive there until you let that dark time see the light of day and view it differently, as an adult now or as an adult who has grown since, right?
During this process, I start to think about God.
So God, if he exists, wasn't who/what I thought at all.
And I'm not sure currently.
I think about children being preyed upon and killed.
I think about 6 million Jews being exterminated.
I think about slaves, singing songs in the field about his mercy and glory, all for naught.
I think about the Donner Party, lying prostrate in the snow, begging for Jesus for help, for God's mercy, to no avail.
Where was this God we sing about for them then?
And how arrogant would it be for me to think God would help me and not them?
So I have a newer neighbor who's a "baby Christian," still in that honeymoon phase, who keeps inviting me to her church. It's ... cute lol.
I was where she was about 1,000 years ago, so I get it.
Then I was hurt, even abused, by other Christians, but still tried to separate them from God.
Then God let me down in a big way that I don't know if I'll ever understand or get over.
And then after that, 2 years ago, the only friend I had, during that previous dark time in my life, was killed by a drunk driver, driving home from church on a Sunday in May of 2023 - the best Christian I have ever known.
But there are even worse than my situation, I know.
I've seen parents whose children were murdered that give up God for good, and I don't blame them.
In fact, Christians have nothing to say when someone loses a child - because there is nothing to say. They'd prefer to focus on a different side of God, whoever he is, and "have faith" for themselves anyway, because they need to.
Then they say dumb stuff to these parents like "God's will" or "They're in a better place" or "there's a reason for everything."
Bullshit.
It was NOT God's will for their child to be murdered and there IS not reason for it.
Where was God for them?
Did they not have enough faith?
Were they not Christian enough?
Did they have some sin they hadn't already gone over with God?
No. God just wasn't there.
In fact, there IS nothing you can say to comfort someone who has lost a child, they will never get over it - we just have to go through it with them, not abandon them, no matter how rough it gets for them afterwards, lifelong, though I'm sure most die inside after the loss of that child.
Because it is their choice, whether to die inside along with them or do something good in their name - push or change in laws and processes, set up foundations - whatever it takes to feel their child's life was not in vain and keep from dying along with them.
So Mark, unlike me, doesn't think the aforementioned neighbor is just young and cute - he thinks she's annoying, constantly talking about Jesus and inviting us to her church.
But like me, I guess he finds it harder than ever to see God in this world anymore, particularly from those calling themselves Christians today.
And neither of us are particularly interested in helping other Christians with their imaginary heaven points for saving souls, when Christ never said anything like that.
In fact, Christ said your relentless and aggressive methods of proselytizing and conversion can actually make them just as much of a child of hell as you are, with your methods of doing so, pushing just your interpretation of Christianity on them. (Matthew 23:15)
I'm not sure how those words of Christ were so misunderstood, that people don't understand the difference between evangelism and proselytizing/conversion.
Speaking of evangelizing versus proselytizing/conversion - the people claiming to be Christians are supporting Christian Nationalism - and a bunch of other political stuff that are the furthest from Christ we've ever seen in our lifetime with Trump, actually the antithesis to everything Christ taught us - only makes things more confusing.
It's harder than ever to find and hear the Good Shepherd's voice, and I do NOT hear or see the Good Shepherd's voice is most of today's Christians, especially those supporting Trump.
And when I tell this neighbor, and other baby Christians that I'm not ready to go back - that I'm confused/struggling in my faith, and maybe even a little mad at God - they say they'll pray for me and that God can change this and that, God will do this and that for me, and my eyes glaze over.
I realize it's coming from a good heart, but still, I'm thinking "Maybe he's there for you, but he wasn't for me, when I needed him most, and I was just like you once. He's clearly there for some but not others. Did we have less faith? Did we have some sin we hadn't already thought of? No - so some of us just must be children of a lesser God then. So sure, pray for me ... because my own prayers go unheard."
I don't actually ever say that, I just think it sometimes.
And yet I do miss feeling that "Breath of Heaven," even if it wasn't real, my own invention.
And I realize that God, if there is one, is nothing like these Christians who've hurt me.
Thse Christians that have plenty of compassion for other Christians or others they view exactly like themselves, but none to give for those who don't, those who they deem unworthy.
But I still follow the teachings of Christ, absolutely, every day, knowing he was nothing like that, preaching the opposite.
And I still pray every day, just in case.
So that time God let me down in a big way was over 15 years ago was the darkest time in my life - a time I still struggle to see where God was in the situation, despite never feeling closer to Jesus in my life.
But at the time, the hope that God represented, the God we create in our heads, gets you through dark times, even if it's nothing more than the God of your own making, right?
With that in mind, faced with refacing the darkest time in my life in beginning therapy again, I remembered 2 songs that got me through in hope and I'm posting them here as I travel this therapy journey and become aware of things that still trigger those old feelings in my daily life, so that I that I don't stay stuck back there 😊
There are actually great memories from how I heard these songs the first time during those dark times, at the right time, actually - great memories of light and hope during a dark time - but I'll tell them another day, for now, keeping those just for me. to help me remember the hope I held onto, despite what was going on around me.
This first one is about finding no kindness, mercy, or belief in you around you, such that you start to believe it yourself - being unable to give yourself mercy and kindness as well - but the idea that God - or your "invention" of who God is to you, your idea of God - can extend his mercy and see the good in you, even when you can't find it yourself anymore ...
He Saw The Best in Me (Marvin Sapp)
When everyone else around
Could only see the worst in me
I wish I had a witness tonight
Does anyone know that tonight?
Said it doesn't matter what I did
See, He only sees me for who I am
The question is simply this
What did he see?
(He saw the best)
I can't get no help up in here
Said you would never amount to anything
Said that you would never end up being anywhere
But Marvin, tell 'em one more time, what did he see?
He saw the best
When momma said you would never be nothin'
When aunties and uncles said you would never amount to anything
When daddy didn't come home anymore
He didn't look at you and say that you weren't going to make it
God looked at you and what did He see, what did He see?
He saw the best
That's so very thankful that God did not write you off
That he did not throw you away
That he picked you up
He saw (He saw the best)
What did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
He saw the best in me
See he is mine, and I am his
It doesn't matter what I did
For, he only sees me for who I am
He is mine, I am His
It doesn't matter what I did
He only sees me for who I am
(He only sees me for who I am)
Because He created me in His image and likeness
This next one is about Mary, the thoughts she may have had. If we accept the bible's story "as is" or not, by all outward appearances, she appeared to her community to be an originally unwed pregnant woman - can you imagine the stuff she took, especially back then?
So I was originally raised in a church that believed if bad things happened in your life, it's because you were sinning somehow.
But as I said, when all this converged at once, when the house of cards fell, I was never closer to God, never more committed to living my life in the compassionate way of Christ.
I spoke to a Catholic priest during that time, expressing that maybe these things being said about me were actually true and I just couldn't see it. Maybe there was some residual sin in my life somehow?
He said:
"Huh, not always. No offense, but that's very Protestant thinking. You're talking to a Catholic. We love our suffering! 😂 We believe suffering brings you closer to Christ, suffering sanctifies. In fact, we make saints out of those who suffer most, right?"
"Our current version of the bible, especially the Protestant version, doesn't offer many stories for women, but try to take some time to focus on Mary's journey - what it must've looked like to others versus what was really going on."
"Not understanding, looking from the outside, they must've thought she was a crazy, a loose-moraled woman, right? But she was actually carrying the son of God."
"What others think/believe doesn't matter - you know the truth and so does God. And God remembers even when you start to doubt yourself. The truth may never come out in your lifetime, you may never see justice, but hold on to the fact that it IS truth and God knows it, too. "
Well, I'm no Mary or saint - but there was gold in those words for me.
Thus, I love this song ...
Breath of Heaven (Amy Grant)
Cold and weary with a baby inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father, You have come
And chosen me now, to carry Your Son
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your Holiness
For you are Holy
Breath of Heaven
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be ...
Help ... me
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your Holiness
For You are Holy
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your Holiness
For You are Holy
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
On that note, I am again reminded of a promise I made to God and myself back then - that when I was in a better place, I would BE that person I didn't have at the time - I would show others struggling the mercy and kindness I should've received.
When I do, some people think it's weird. Some people think it's part of some sort of agenda or that I want something.
I assure you, it's not - it's part of the promise I made to both myself and God during that time - to be that person for others I didn't have.
Because like Joseph said (Genesis 50:20)
"What was done to me was done for evil, but God, in turn, intended for good, for the saving of many lives."
That verse says to me that God doesn't do this stuff, humans do in free will, and it can be used for good - IF - you choose to, rather than be swallowed up in bitterness.
And actually, that is the only thing that can happen when bad things happen, even the murder of children - that we make choose to make sure it doesn't happen again, that mindsets and laws change because of it, and many parents spend their lives doing just that rather than dying with them, after the murder of a child - because that's the best we anyone can do.
That doesn't mean God did it or had a reason for it - it just means you turn that evil into something good, for the saving of many lives and/or others struggling.
Sometimes I isolate, not wanting to burden people with my anxieties or down moments.
But then I remember that promise I made - to myself and "God" -and it snaps me out of THAT, pretty quickly 😊
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