So I'll be honest, I let some recent health struggles get me down, this week.
No worries - nothing too serious - and I'm pretty good with pain or illness - unless it starts to go on a long time, then it starts to grate.
Just so that people don't worry, it's a seemingly never-ending UTI we can't seem to get a handle on, for the last 6 weeks, as well as developing sciatica for the last 2 - which I manage with stretching and walking.
See? Nothing too serious - just the acceptance that I'm getting older is rough, and I can really go down this "self-shame" road of "Well, if you'd stop smoking" and other things I couldda/shouldda done that although are true, aren't helpful, and only make me more anxious and want to smoke more!
Now, despite being prone to anxiety and depression, over time, especially the last few years, I've healed enough from trauma such that I've developed a pretty positive attitude, to the degree that others say it's "contagious."
I guess it's because I've survived a lot - anything in my life is a step up from where I was, right?
(In fact, I've almost kicked depression - UNLESS - my anxiety disorder or trauma reactions embarrass me. Still don't have a handle on that part yet, I admit. That is usually the one thing that can still lead to a temporary depression. Still working on that!)
I also learned a long time ago from someone - the importance of which I didn't really fully get until I was an adult is - there's always somebody with worse.
HOWEVER, I have also learned that although it's important to have gratitude and get outside yourself to help someone else struggling, to NOT do these things in attempt at distraction from my own struggle as if it doesn't exist.
In other words, it's just as important to first acknowledge that your current situation isn't so positive - even if just for a moment - THEN do your gratitude exercises and help others - it's more effective and it's healthier then.
Because there's such a thing as "toxic positivity" - it's a real thing, Google it.
What is "toxic positivity?"
It's pretending everything is fine for way too long, despite reality and our minds/bodies/and emotions screaming that it isn't.
It's the obsession that especially we Americans have with appearing positive, happy, that everything is perfect and under control, and that we have fabulous lives - whether on social media or real life - though it's not and we don't.
It's much like the American obsession we have with beauty, thinness, the whitest teeth, and our overall appearance, compared to the rest of the world.
Now - I'm NOT talking about "compartmentalizing" stuff so that you can work or function in society or so as not to burden other people struggling - I'm talking about literally pretending things are perfect and you've got everything under control, when it's not and you don't.
In other words, you could say that toxic positivity is part of the American epidemic of inauthenticity.
I'm talking about creating an illusion versus authentic reality.
Speaking of illusion, toxic positivity also includes the persistent delusion that if we have a positive attitude, only positive things will happen to us.
This is perpetuated by books like "The Power of Positive Thinking," and "The Secret" - which is actually the same "magical thinking" idea, it just gets rebranded, repackaged, and resold about every decade or so, disappointing many, by misleading them to believing that if you're happy and positive enough, then you will only attract positive things, people, and events in your life.
The false beliefs that you - either as an individual or through God - have the personal the power to draw only good things unto yourself.
When the truth is - we don't have that much power and protection over everything in our lives, especially because we share our lives with other people, who make their own free-will choices.
Now - having a positive attitude and an attitude of gratitude CAN help you cope better, recover faster/move on into forward-thinking from pain and injury, and it can change how you see the world and the world sees you.
Having a positive attitude and an attitude of gratitude CANNOT actually result in bringing only positive things in your life, NOR can it protect or rescue you from negative things or people in your life -- it's not a magic protection spell!
In fact, I know some horrible things that happened to very positive people, and they were blindsided when these things happened because they erroneously believed that - that if they just said/did A, B, and C, only good things would happen.
(In fact, in just a couple of those cases, if a positive attitude drew anything at all, it was con artists/scammers wanting to take advantage of their positive attitude!)
In fact, historically, we know that people who are true beacons of light - people who do the the right thing consistently, especially on behalf of others - actually drew darkness TO them.
(Off the top of my head, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Bob Marley, and someone called Jesus?)
So with negativity - or even darkness itself - you have these choices: You can stand against it, fight/argue with it, resist it, distract yourself from it, ignore it, or simply learn to accept it/cope with it/live with it.
But what you CANNOT do is literally safeguard yourself entirely from any negativity or darkness entirely.
So there's gratitude and there's toxic positivity.
Thus, to avoid the latter and disappointment and maintain good physical and mental health, it's important to get real and acknowledge it when bad things that happen, even if only momentarily, before you "get grateful/positive."
And by acknowledge it, I do NOT mean you have to tell another living soul about it - of course you can - but you don't have to.
People do have their own struggles, so sometimes it's appropriate not to, plus it needs to be someone you can trust as well.
.
That's okay, in small doses, but ultimately, you have to acknowledge it yourself and not depend on other people to lift you, as well as give yourself the right to be sad or feel badly for a minute like ...
"Okay, body, mind, emotions - I hear you screaming at me, thank you for trying to tell me something. I'll listen for a minute" - and THEN go on.
Because let's face it, society at large - even some bad therapists - already shame enough for not being perpetually happy, not being their cheer-up buddy - especially women.
But the truth is, unhealthy people have no other coping skill, when bad things happen, than safeguarding the world around them by making sure everyone around them is always positive, so that they can feel lifted, accomplished, and/or more in control of their world.
The healthiest and best friends, partners, and even therapists do NOT say things like:
"Okay, you're down today, work more on gratitude" or "you're bringing me down today."
Back when in the middle of my trauma, I used to take that very personally, become embarrassed, and apologize profusely - UNTIL - I realized the other person wasn't exactly brimming with positivity, themselves, but nevertheless expecting me to be their personal cheer-up toy and/or the external keeper of their mood and feel more in control of their mood, because they had no ability to regulate their mood themselves!
Plus, it's just lazy.
Instead, healthy friends/family/therapists say things like:
"Okay, talk to me, and we can devise a plan of how you're going to deal with it, then do gratitude stuff."
Or even better ... "How can I help?"
But let's be honest - that's rare, in this day and age.
American society is saturated by our media about just what and who can "best meet our needs" and fits best into our lives.
Media likes to tell us we "deserve" more "me time," a spa break, or that we need more support/appreciation/respect from others.
Now, don't get me wrong - some people - particularly women, and especially mothers - really DO need more appreciation, respect, and support - but they are usually the last people to say so themselves - at least out loud and/or on a regular basis! 😂
In fact, most of the time -- (not always, some people DO legitimately chronically choose emotionally unavailable people) -- the same ones whining that they're underappreciated are the same ones either overestimating their contribution or giving very little thought to what they are actually bringing to the table - what needs they are meeting, how well they fit into others' lives - only what others are providing, or not providing, to them 😂
But back to the gratitude thing, though counting blessings can be helpful, even important, especially for those struggling with depression - let's get even more real about this popular practice - regarding for whom/where/when it's healthy and appropriate rather than distraction from facing negative emotions and dealing with them.
But let's start with who it's appropriate for first, and then we'll get back to when it's appropriate, the timing.
So ... if you really think about it, gratitude exercises are actually a very white privileged thing to do 😂
Because they operate under the assumption that we have many other things in our lives to be grateful for that we're not noticing, which is often true, especially us as American white people.
And while it's true -that we white Americans really don't appreciate what we have enough, compared to the rest of the world - or even within our own country with marginalized groups who have less - that doesn't mean we shouldn't acknowledge emotions like sadness, grief, fear, or even anger and deal with them BEFORE you distract yourself from falling into despair with gratitude.
But speaking of who it's appropriate for and those marginalized groups within our own country, how helpful is it for them, to suggest gratitude lists and "fostering positive attitudes" to them at all - and could it in fact be offensive?
Because people of color in particular already have that down pat, that's how they've survived literally living in death traps.
That's what all the "Thank you, Jesus" memes teasing them are about.
They've mastered "coping skills" centuries ago, despite having nothing and literally living in a death trap.
In fact, in America, these groups have practically invented most of the healthier stuff we Americans engage in to cope.
Soulful music - like gospel to God to express gratitude and hope, despite owning nothing, and in fact, being owned. Or Blues to express sorrow or grief or dispair. Or Jazz to express love or joy, to celebrate or commemorate.
Humor, including teasing, as its own love language, during difficult times.
Dance as a form of silent, individual self-expression when they weren't allowed expression otherwise, weren't even permitted to read and write or the tools to do either..
Soul Food.
Sports as a socially acceptable and permitted way to release stress/anger.
And yet have their lives changed overall as a group because of gratitude and positive attitudes and hard work?
No - because much of it is beyond their personal control.
But when people really do have nothing, are being scapegoated for society's kills, being prevented from education or employment, maybe even in trauma - is gratitude a helpful deterrent from depression - or is it actually a distraction from bigger societal problems none of us want to acknowledge?
You cannot fix or cope better with any problem if you don't acknowledge you have one first.
Thus, responding to current problems, stress or trauma by pushing yourself or others into gratitude attitudes isn't just inappropriate at that time - it may not be appropriate at all, especially for marginalized groups?
Not only have they already basically invented any coping skill we could think of centuries ago, but it CAN be offensive - because once again, we're asking them to be grateful for the crumbs off the table we've given them.
No wonder people of color don't go to therapy as much as white people!
On this note, recently, I went to get a cheap, quick trim for my hair at Great Clips the day we left for Gatlinburg.
A single mom of color trimmed my hair and we ended up talking a bit deeper.
I was trying to save money, because not only did my husband switch jobs at the schools and took a paycut, but they messed up his paycheck for the last month - it's just over half of what it should be.
So I was stressed about going on this vacation it was too late to cancel, not feeling well, right?
So I'm sitting there waiting area, and the client before me was an 8-year-old boy, who took half an hour because he wouldn't stop squirming and crying that it was taking too long.
The stylist - a person of color - was so patient - and I'm sure she had to go through this again and again, the week before school started.
His mom was like :
"I'll take you for ice cream afterwards. I'll take you to Skyline if you stop crying."
After a certain amount of time, myself and the other ladies joked that they were smart to put a Baskin-Robbins right next door, but that didn't seem to be cutting it to stop the crying.
So I said very loudly to the other ladies waiting:
"Oh my goodness, look at his hair, doesn't he look awesome! He looks so cool, everyone is gonna say he looks cool at school, next week!"
The other ladies followed suit and loudly praised the way he looked and that seemed to do the trick - and the stylist let him look at himself in the hand mirror and then winked at me.
When it was my turn, I made her laugh by saying "I promise I'll sit still and won't cry. Will you buy me some ice cream later? 😉"
(*Keep in mind, when I write stuff, if it's verbatim, I'll tell you it's verbatim - otherwise, it's paraphrasing longer conversations, sometimes with inference, nuances, or things they hinted at - in other words, my understanding of the conversation.)
Stylist: "Uh uh, no girl 😂 No offense, but that's a white-people thing, bribing kids to be good. Sometimes we don't have nothing to bribe our kids with! 😂."
"They gotta learn some things you just gotta do in life and that's the way it is. 'The reward is, I bought your haircut so you don't go back to school looking like you homeless next to other kids. THAT'S that's your reward.' 😂"
Me: "😂 True! And guilty. There's a difference between teaching your kids to work for reward and bribing them, especially using food. I learned that way too late. And by the time I tried to change it, it didn't help."
Stylist: "Well, I can't say I never used treats as a bribe - there IS a lesson in 'if we don't do this, we don't eat' - but that can get out of hand, real quick. And sometimes that's all you got to give, a treat, if you can even afford that. And sometimes we just want them to be happy/feel loved."
"My daughter was smart, though, see - we gotta be extra well-behaved at the grocery, we get bad looks from white people if our kids act up, and she knew I knew that."
"So she was counting on if she threw a fit in the grocery store, me getting embarrassed, white people looking at us like we welfare or something, I'd apologize to everybody, and I'd give her whatever she wanted to hush her up. Which I was, but I figured out what she was doing and I'd just say "no" just as loud as she was being, then walked away from the cart and let her squawk and ignored her, and excuse my language, but eff what other people thought about it when she being bad."
Me: 😂 We mamas apologize too much for things that everyone has experienced with kids, right? When in fact, the only people judging us are people who have no kids. Though I get what you're saying about extra looks in your case. But everybody has been through that and we shouldn't judge, especially people who have no kids."
"Oh, yeah, they like to put on a show when other people are around. My daughter used to do throw fits when she was about 3 and scream "You're mean!" and I'd give in afraid somebody'd call CPS or something for not giving her the $5 box of branded sugar cereal she wanted or the toy! 😂
"Then I started ignoring the fit, and she found a way around that by doing the "dead weight" thing, just lay on my leg so I'd have a hard time walking away. I finally learned to just say "No, not today" one time and then walk away, even if she dead-weighted me and drag her on my leg, totally ignoring her, looking at something else and she'd finally stop, realizing it was having no effect."
Stylist: "Right? You got to ignore some things because if you give it attention, bad or good, they just do it more. We ARE dealing with our kids being bad, that's the best way to get some stuff to stop is just ignore it, not pay it any attention."
"'Cause if you give it to them, they learn to throw bigger fits until you give in. If you fuss at 'em about it, it's still attention, AND they get louder with other people around, working people, trying to get pity, see. And I'm definitely not about to be that mama, smacking her kids in the middle of Walmart! 😂 That's what people think of us already, that we all smacking our kids around and don't care that they're being bad!😂
"She can work people now, but when she grows up, life ain't gonna give her no pity party. The only people you gonna get pity from sometimes is that same mama that told you "no," trying to teach you something 😂 "
"But some people, even with kids, act like they never dealt with that. Again, no offense, but mostly white people."
"And my daughter now has her daughter, and she's like 'Oh, I get it.' And she understands, now see, why we have to work 10x harder and behave 10x better than white people. One bad moment and we're on the news and police or CPS get called."
"Not that that's ever gonna get us rich, it's who we working for that gets richer, but to get anything at all, we gotta work harder - we gotta help each other for the rest. Well, most of us help each other. "
"She knows I could be tough to teach her, but that I'd still do anything for her - some things she needs, some things she just wants. Even pay her rent because I get what's it's like, especially with a toddler. She needs help. My grandbaby needs help, she didn't ask for this."
"As a matter of fact, I was gonna pay her rent this month because she got sick and her job doesn't give paid time off - but then somebody walked right in my house and took it - the money I set aside for her hidden in my closet. It was also my electric and water bill money. But it's all right, I'll figure something out. That's what I mean - most of us help each other, some don't, they selfish, too."
"Rich people always worried about people stealing from 'em, when it's usually their other poor neighbor that worked hard to get something they don't have ."
Me: "Oh my God! Do you have any idea who?"
Stylist: "I have a couple of ideas, but proving it is another story. No sign of a break-in and there were only a few people I know if inside my house. My mom sometimes lets in the neighborhood people, wanting to help everybody, and I suspect that's what happened. I know she didn't give it to them because she didn't know about the money there. She wouldn't take it herself. Had to be somebody we knew."
Me: "Gee, I wonder where you get that, trying to help everyone?" 😂. I bet if they had asked you, you would've given them a little - but no, they've got to smile in your face and steal it, that's awful. And that's actually statistically true, by the way - poor people often steal from other poor people rather than rich people, because they can get away with it. But when I was poor, I never saw the like of other people sharing what they had with me, too, and vice versa. It depends on the person."
Stylist: "Right? I definitely would have helped if they'd asked, we all need help sometimes. I don't know why I told you that, that's inappropriate, I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't because I'm gonna be thinking about it all day and it gets me down."
Me: "Hey, no worries, really - it's okay. I'm the best person you could've let that slip to. I've struggled and been taken advantage of when a single mom myself, I get it. And no, you need to tell everybodddy that today so they'll tip you more 😂
Stylist: LOL! Nah, I'm not like that, tho. Everybody got their own struggles.
Me: " They do - but I'm so sorry that happened to you. Don't let it change you, though. Keep on giving. The good people are more rare, but they do make up for the bad."
Just then, that Sabrina Carpenter song, "Espresso" came on the radio and she started humming and then sang the "Espresso" part.
Stylist: "That's the only word I know in that song. I'm like "hm hmm hmm "Espresso" . 😂
Me: "Me too! 😂That's the only word anyone knows in that song, it sticks in you head. Do you know who Maya Rudolph is?"
Stylist: "Yes, she's so funny!
Me: "So when she was playing Kamala Harris on Saturday Night Live, she said "My campaign is like that Sabrina Carpenter song, Espresso - the lyrics are vague, but the vibe slaps!" 😂
Then we both had a good laugh and said "So true!"
Then I left her a huge tip - I mean, like almost 150% tip.
Me: "Listen - please take it. And don't think this is some kind of white savior thing - take it as a a "I know what struggling as a single mom is like thing."
"If not for you, for me. I promised myself if I was ever even in a slightly better place, I'd be that person I didn't have for myself, for other people."
"Because you're right, the world won't pity you as an adult, they're actually looking for ways to blame you for your own struggles so they don't have to help you. I never wanted pity either or even help - but an offer I could refuse even? A little kindness and mercy would've been nice?"
"So please take it. I don't have a lot of opportunities in my personal life to fulfill that promise, and when I do, people sometimes don't trust it/think it's weird or that I have some ulterior motive other than that promise I made, so do it for me then lol."
She hugged me - and cried.
Stylist: "It's not weird - unusual in this day and age, but not weird. I think it's sincere and wonderful. But you know I didn't tell you that story to get this, right? I shouldn't have even said that, I don't know what's wrong with me today, it just slipped out, talking about our kids and what to do/not do, what people think and do."
Me: "I know that, I could tell. But like I said, no, you need to tell everyone today so they tip you higher! LOL. But I know you won't. But it's like you said, everybody needs help sometimes, but I get it, you're proud. I hope this helps a little and I'll come back next time I need a quick trim, okay? Give me your card."
"And if somebody in your neighborhood suddenly has a new wardrobe or a new car, in a few months, you know who it is and call the police. I know, I know, sounds like you don't trust banks or the police, but at least report it? Then it's on them what they do. You've at least tried to take care of you as much as you do your kids and grandbabies. And someday, when we're through this current political crap, people will start listening."
Now - imagine I'm some bad white therapist, living in an ivory tower, perhaps in academia, and said to her:
"Okay, we all struggle, but be grateful! Let's think about what you DO have!"
I wouldn't have blamed her if she told me to eff off or punched me in the face - but I'd never say that and she'd never do that if I did.
Or had I said "It's your fault, you should keep it at a bank."
I don't know her reasons for not having it at a bank. Sometimes when you're that broke, living paycheck to paycheck, you get overdrawn and the bank won't give you an account.
Or sometimes it's distrust of banks.
That's none of my business, and theft is still theft - let's not victim-blame.
And in the end, sure, gratitude helps, music and singing helps - AFTER you've acknowledged how much the current situation sucks.
And so, having acknowledged my worry earlier that morning, I let it go, successfully stepped out of myself to help somebody else with worse, too, in gratitude 😂
