Thank You ...

 

... to whomever hit this post from 2023  multiple times yesterday.  😊

(My tracker gives a general location, but not specifics and there's more than 1 person this could be in that area.)

I'm not sure if that was a total coincidence or someone's way of reminding me, but either way, thank you 😊

I didn't see it beforehand, but it's good to remember when self-doubt creeps in. 

If you were trying to to draw my attention to it, let me know who you are through private channels so I can thank you personally?

Because like I said, more than 1 person this could be from that area. 

All good, though - whatever the outcome, I faced a major life fear yesterday!

PS - I Did It :)

 

I wouldn't say I conquered my fear, but I faced it ... not gracefully, somewhat awkwardly, somewhat rambly ... but at least I didn't pass out or throw up ... I did it.

It was virtual, and I did this awkward little wave goodbye at the end, I'm not sure why I did that. Just because I always do that on Zoom or Teams or FaceTime. 

Then I thought to myself "What are you doing?  That was weird."

OMG, I can be so neurotic -  like Monica on Friends is sometimes, only minus the OCD about cleanliness - or the beauty, talent, or nearly as funny. 

Oh, well, at least I did it. Nobody ever said I was smooth lol.

She was professional-nice, no grilling, no interrogation, just the facts (what I could prove).

Thank you, to those with me in spirit today ... including Marian (or at least I like to believe)  😂

Why I Fear Reporting Anything at All to HR, While Still In the Workplace ...

This is my blog and has been my voice years ago, when I otherwise didn't have one and was completely powerless - so whatever happens, this stays up - because it's truth.

This is something that happened 17 years ago that even my daughter doesn't know, because I shielded her from more than she will ever know - but at 31, she might need to know - because once upon a time, this was the reality for women in the workplace, and it still is, in some places, even after #metoo.

Also, I want her to know, if/when she reads this, that after the "trial" part happened and I quit - it happened to be the same day of her 14th birthday party. I went on and had her party with 20 people at my second job at a restaurant, acting like nothing happened, and she was none the wiser.

Because that's what you do as a mom.

This was just after we left Granny's for Northern Kentucky - just after leaving/divorcing Jon in Florida (the other person who these words below in light yellow bold).

Being that US-MT contract companies had already begun falling before the recession, with the advent of offshore outsourcing and check-the-box EMR/EHR systems, I took temp jobs in the day and waited tables at night, until I could find something permanent. This was the first permanent, corporate job I took.

But before I go into that, I thought of Nietzsche, this morning, who said "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

Oh, yeah? 

I disagree.

In fact, ask even once bad-ass war veterans if they feel 'stronger' after their war experiences and injuries, inside and out.

Not only would most say "No," but they would also likely punch Nietzsche right in the face, if they could lol. 

I think "once bitten, twice shy" is more accurate.

Then I thought of my "spiritual mom," Marian, who was killed by a drunk driver in 2023, who often said something like:

"The thing you fear most in life is going to keep coming back until you overcome it, you can't outrun it/avoid it, as hard as you try." 

"Because it's an opportunity from God for you to learn and grow, for you to feel you handled it more successfully than the last time." 

"It may look different, talk different, act different, and the situation itself may be different - but in the end, it's the same fear you will have to face, until you finally conquer it. " 

I've found that's true, whether you want to blame or credit God, your subconscious choosing it because it wants to make peace with your fear, or it's just random and plops in your lap out of nowhere, you will have to face the things you fear most in life again and again until you overcome them.

I would like to believe she's with me today, even if it's not true, because it makes me feel better.

Now - here we are today, trying to conquer a major fear  - so this is a letter that I just wrote to my current HR, last night, about why I feared speaking with them about anything while still in the workplace ...

___________________________________________

Okay, so ... 17 years ago, I was sexually harassed in the workplace by the head of the company. I mean, it was a real Fantine situation (Les Miserables). When I told HR, I realized HR wasn't there for us, they were there to protect the company.


I felt like I was on trial instead of him.

"Did you say no?" "Did tell him to stop? " Why didn't you say it louder so people could hear or ask for help? Did you ever wear anything that could be construed as provocative? Isn't the truth that you were in a relationship, he broke it off, and you're bitter?"

That was almost more traumatic than the harassment itself.

Of course there was no relationship - he asked me out 1,000 times and I turned him down 1000 times, he just launched a preemptive strike before I got to HR. 

I told nobody, being professional - he told everybody this lie that he could.

So I ended up quitting, because nobody believed me, I was retaliated against and was bullied beyond belief, including physically.


But here's the good news ...


He did it again, 6 months later - another new girl in town, another single mom without support - she reported it, too, and then he was fired.


That is what I was hoping for here - I could report it, instead of going through "the trial," the disbelief, the false rumors to discredit me - someone could file it away, you could think I was a Karen or a nut - but when it happened again with somebody else, you'd know then I was telling the truth and that person wouldn't have to go through all of it.


But most people, including my therapist, say HR has changed, and it depends on the company - that it's possible to both protect the company AND you, not either/or.


So I would like to believe this about ______ and give it a shot?


Also, just an FYI, I was afraid if I mentioned this to management as the reason I didn't go to HR like they initially suggested, they'd think I go to HR habitually or something, like Karen, right?


Regardless, whatever happens, I would like to make it clear that I did NOT report this to them simply because "she yelled at me" - I'm not that precious! lol


It's because of what she said to me on the phone that day: Not verbatim, but close:

"Go ahead and try to tell anyone about this call, they won't believe you, they love me here. You're new and have no proof."

That gave me chills - and I never thought I'd hear those words again in my life - especially from another woman.

(*This isn't of a sexual nature.)

I didn't have any support, last time, as a single mom in another city, I do now and wanted them with me, but I respect your wishes.


And I don't mind your questions, but please - if we're going to put me on trial again, instead of her - can we just ... not?


Because if that's the plan, I'd prefer you believe what you like, file away what little I have told you (the quote above in bold), chalk me up to being a nut or a Karen - until it happens to somebody else. Then you'll know I was telling the truth, right? And she won't have to go through the disbelief, the doubt, the trial on top of the stuff X does.


Thanks for your time. Let me know?

Better Women - Cynthia Erivo (and Michelle Yeoh), Protecting Ariana Grande

 

Yesterday, I posted about Megyn Kelly, hair-splitting the definition of pedophile, in what appeared to be semi-defense of Epstein for what reason we don't know (but could guess, since Epstein's emails allege that her own pimp, Trump, knew all about the underage-girl trafficking).

Today, however, we're gonna talk about the sort of women who don't throw other women under the bus so they can shine. 😊

For those who haven't seen this yet, this is Ariana Grande's costar, Cynthia Erivo, jumping into action immediately to protect her costar, who was charged and grabbed by a fan, at the premiere of "Wicked: For Good" premiere in Singapore.

Because security was not in proper place, it took several seconds for them to even react - but Cynthia Erivo jumped into action immediately.


She began forcibly prying the attacker's arms from her, pushing him towards security, while Michelle Yeoh wrapped her arms around Ariana like a mother, as did Cynthia after dealing with him, both with their arms around her and shielding her.

Then -  as this video shows you - because security didn't throw him out afterwards  - HE DID IT AGAIN -  until security finally turned him over to authorities and arrested him.

This man does this serially for attention on social media and thus shall remain nameless.

In fact, he jumped on stage with Katy Perry last summer. 

And that's the thing -  if there's no consequences for this boundary-less behavior, they'll do it again - they don't stop themselves, because they can't stop themselves - so they have to be stopped. 

And Jeff Goldblum? 

I love you, but ... so disappointed in you, just standing there, doing nothing, letting the women deal with being ambushed themselves.

As you can see in Ariana's eyes, she's checked out completely, floating around in a full PTSD bubble (she has openly revealed she has PTSD from the terrorist incident in London).

THAT is what you do as a costar, teammate, fellow woman, and a human being.

There's a saying "character is what you do when no one's watching."

Unfortunately, women themselves are particularly skilled at behaving one way when people are watching/the cameras are on versus off/no one's watching. 

They spend a lot of time pretending to be the type of person they want to outwardly appear, instead of actually being that person.

However, note that in this situation, everyone was watching, yes - but Cynthia didn't even have time to think about appearances or care - in fact, she put herself directly in harm's way, within 2 seconds, to protect her costar.

It's times like these where you can see that some women really are the person they appear to be.

Fellow women - in moments like these, do you protect your costars, other women, or do you throw them under the bus so you can shine?

Cynthia Erivo and Michelle Yeoh both proved their character by instinctually jumping into action to protect her, putting themselves in harm's way to do so, and wrapping their arms around her.

And they're actresses, supposedly the most competitive, cutthroat women on the planet!

Go Cynthia and Michelle - especially Cynthia - willing to put yourself in harm's way to protect you costar and friend!

Women?

Please believe other women when they try to tell you something is wrong or you can see something is wrong -  until you have a reason not to - whether the threat to them is male OR another female. 

Because sometimes, like in this situation where security failed her, all we have is each other. 

_______________________________

PS 

And by "gives you reason not to believe them" I do NOT mean using efforts to discredit the person like smear campaigns and their associated pile-ons, etc. -  that is not proof, and mob rule rarely makes the mob right.

Though this doesn't necessarily apply in this particular situation, especially because it's all on video, it does when women try to tell someone what happened, whether the perpetrator is male or female.

If you're ever not sure who to believe in a situation, remember these general guidelines as to what to watch for  ....

Victims ....

Initially question themselves or even blame themselves for bringing it on themselves somehow, stop talking, isolate, and even quit or leave because they fear not being believed (until they learn to fight back). 

They also enter therapy, at some point, which is when they learn how to fight back.

Perpetrators ...

Never doubt or blame themselves for bringing it on themselves, even initially - and they never isolate -  in fact, they usually do the opposite and try to rally support for themselves by playing the false victim, sometimes even enlisting others to help them attack on this false premise.

They almost never enter therapy, unless their lawyer advises them to for appearance sake or they are court-ordered to do so.  

Even then, they don't stay in therapy, especially if a therapist questions or confronts them (which any good therapist will do with every client, at some point, trying to better understand behaviors).

These are not hard-and-fast rules, but general guidelines of how to tell a victim from a perpetrator, when both are claiming victim.

You Know You Wrong, Megyn Kelly ...

... splitting hairs on the definition of pedophile regarding Epstein.

Who does that, on either side of politics?

Especially considering that she, herself, is the mother of a 14-year-old girl?

WHY would she do that?

Read on ... 

So Megyn Kelly - desperately trying to stay relevant after being fired from every legitimate news source in America, to include even Fox News - has found herself a new career in podcasting, in which she panders exclusively to the worst kind of white males in America.

(I mean, damn - how dishonest and ethically challenged ARE you, if even Fox News won't ever work with you again? 😂)

Not even posting a picture of her or linking to her podcast, because that's why she says this inane, ignorant stuff, to get attention for her podcast.

So after this post, I will never mention her again, hoping she once again falls into disgrace and obscurity.

Because this week, after the Epstein emails were released, she said:

"He was into the barely legal type. Like, he liked 15-year-old girls. And I realize this is disgusting. I'm definitely not trying to make an excuse for this.  I'm just giving you facts, that he wasn't into, like, 8-year-olds. But he liked the very young teen types that could pass for even younger than they were, but would look legal to a passerby."

“We have yet to see anybody come forward and say 'I was under 10, I was under 14.' There’s a difference between a 15-year-old and a 5-year-old.”

What the ???

Um - 15 is NOT "barely legal" - it's unequivocally illegal!

In fact, it's still 3 years away from legal!

There's also a "world of difference" between a 15-year-old girl and an 18-year-old girl, Megyn - physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

(In fact, being that I was underweight, I was underdeveloped and didn't have my period until I was 16. I developed by leaps and bounds by the time I was 18, physically, emotionally, and intellectually.)

So pray tell, Megyn -  WHY are you playing the semantics game in semi-defense of Epstein?

Could it possibly be that Epstein's emails clearly state that your pimp, Trump, knew all about it? 

What if somebody took your now 14-year-old daughter to a private island, gave them illegal drugs, sold them to the highest bidder, then dared them to tell anyone or their life would be destroyed?

Would you nitpick the legal definition of a pedophile then?

I don't think ya would. 

(Well, in your case, you might, if someone paid you enough.)

Go former Hollywood child stars, Melissa Gilbert, Valerie Bertinelli, and Christina Ricci for taking her on!

However, at the same time, I think we should all just start to ignore her, because we're giving her what she wants  - more publicity for her white-male-power-abuser- ass-kissing podcast, because no credible news source will hire her.

Speaking of Melissa Gilbert and Megyn Kelly, Megyn Kelly imagines she's good at clapbacks, but she always ends up embarrassing herself.

Because the truth is -  she's not very bright.

She seems to only comprehend the literal, almost incapable of thinking outside of the box, or thinking through her own arguments very well, before she says them. 

Case in point, what she said about Netflix's forthcoming Little House on the Prairie reboot:

Kelly: "Netflix, if you wokeify Little House on the Prairie, I will make it my singular mission to absolutely ruin your project." 

 

Gilbert: "Ummm…watch the original again. TV doesn’t get too much more ‘woke’ than we did. We tackled: racism, addiction, nativism, antisemitism, misogyny, rape, spousal abuse and every other ‘woke ‘ topic you can think of. Thank you very much."

Doh! True.

Go Melissa Gilbert!

But go ahead and imagine you even have the power behind you anymore to "ruin" it, Megyn Kelly - from your tiny little whiny podcast that no one listens to until you say something awful.

I'd like to see you try - you, and your tiny band of pedophile, rapist, and other misogynist nobodys who even listen to you? 

Whatever you want to call Epstein - OR his enabler, Trump - those underage girls from poor, troubled homes were tricked, sold to the highest bidder, then threatened with destroying their lives if they told.

YOU - an over-privileged, 54-year-old woman from a wealthy, supportive family - CHOOSE to be a political whore,  enabling and protecting your Pimp In Chief! 

God, there is little more nauseating than the type of women who  unnecessarily compete with, betray, sell out, bash, and/or throw other women over either male attention or their own ambition, currently on a delusional power trip - even preteen/teenage girls?!?

Again ... ewwwwwww!

God, that is so early last century - and gives the rest of us a bad name.

______________________

PS

I admit it, I'm finally pissed about my personal situation.

It's taken me a while to get here, but I am.

And it felt good to take it out on Megyn Kelly, as the worst-case-scenario poster child for the type of woman who dismisses the concerns of other women, or worse, throws them under the bus, to  get ahead or to get what she wants.

And guess what?

I'm not sorry. 

In fact, I feel better!

Thank you, Megyn Kelly, for being an absolute sh*t of a woman and human being, so that I could use you as my verbal whipping post and feel a little less powerless in my own situation? 😂

Have I Overreacted or Is This As Bad As I Think?

 

*Edited, content added.

Since I closed my comments years ago - ironically, due to the last time these extremely rare words were spoken to me -  feel free to email/chat/call me and let me know your answer/thoughts? 

So if someone says to you essentially "If you try to tell anyone, no one will believe you, they love me here. And where's the proof? There's no proof. "

Is that as scary to you as it sounds to me or does it sound like no big deal?

When I heard those words before, I didn't take them as the red flag I should have, and bad things happened.

(Well, to be fair, I started to doubt myself, which I'm doing again now.)

That was in my personal life though - this time, it was a coworker. 

She's been there 2 years. Me, only 6 months. And it's remote.

She's right, though, I don't have proof - it was a call to my personal cell.

I wondered at first if I'd overreacted based on the last time someone said that to me and tried to separate that out. 

I called EAP and got back into therapy.

They said my body's reaction to it (shaking) were based on past experience and may be an overreaction and just proof of my PTSD diagnosis,  but it really is a scary thing to say, too, it's not normal.

My therapist and I went over it and over it, because I told her I am the common denominator here. 

After a few sessions, the gist - NOT VERBATIM - of what my therapist has said overall was:

Therapist:  "Sure, you are the common denominator, but maybe not for the reasons that you think." 

 

"What comes off you is you're very kind, funny, and smart - but you also clearly doubt yourself, don't think very much of yourself, make fun of yourself a lot, apologize a lot, blame yourself a lot. Bullies take note of that and use it. They see it as weakness."

 

"What we do know about people with even covert bullying qualities is that they do what they do because they're insecure and unaware of it."   

 

"So here comes you, doing extremely well at your job, right out the gate - but you're also very open with your insecurities, apologize a lot for things you don't need to.  And she can probably sense damaged boundaries from childhood and will push them like a test. You're openly aware of your flaws and insecurities, she has no idea of hers. So she's gonna work yours to feel superior." 

 

"Did it ever even occur to you this may have happened not because you did something wrong, but because you're doing something right?" 

"Not because you ARE better, but just because she's AFRAID you're better?"

Me:  "Um .... no. You mean like she's jealous? I guess I realized she had some sort of competition with me only going on in her head, but actual jealousy? I'd have to think about that. It's really hard to believe that anyone could ever be jealous of me. I mean, look at my life, who would be? lol"  

 

"The only person ever in my life, that I know of, who was ever jealous of me was my older sister, but I didn't even realize that until we'd been estranged for years, why she did the horrible things she did,  particularly trying to drive a wedge between myself and  daughter. It's obvious now, of course, looking back, but it wasn't at the time."    

 

"In fact, that's really hard for me to even let myself think about, because anytime my mother had a problem with anybody, it was always because they were jealous of her lol. It just seems like a narcissistic thing to even think about."

Therapist: "Yeah, but sometimes, it's true. And the difference between you and your mother is, you didn't come in here saying that - instead, you said "What's wrong with ME?"  

"Your mother never even considers anything is her fault, doesn't doubt herself, she doesn't even wanna look -  but that's the first place you go."

 

"And even when someone tells you it isn't your fault, this person did this out of their own issues, you still don't believe it lol."

Good point lol. 

My review was glowing, And I do have the highest quality scores and am second highest in productivity, and I do tend to crack people up in tense moments?

Regardless, both EAP - and my therapist later - said I should at least try to tell somebody rather than run immediately, and wait and see if I'm believed -  if for nothing else, so they have it on record in case it happens to somebody else. 

And if/when they make her apologize or she does on her own, it's okay to be skeptical. She could even be sincere, but just not self-aware enough to understand why she's doing this stuff. 

Because how many times did my ex apologize sincerely, and I went right back, only to have it happen again?

So I did try to tell - not HR, just management.

I didn't want a bunch of drama by going to HR, plus she's right, I had no proof but my call log, not what she said.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't believed - because I thought they'd been monitoring her communication with me since, but it's clear they weren't.

My team leader has literally said "She would never say something mean to anybody." 

To be fair, though, I wouldn't have believed she was capable either, until she called me on my personal cell when the boss was away.  Shocked the shit outta me.

Best job of my life in a field that's being replaced by AI and I'm 56. 

It sucks not being believed. 

You look like a paranoid nut and a joke, even though you stayed calm and were telling the truth.

Like I said, I've been there 6 months, she's been there 2 years (all remote). I mean, ya can't fight that as a new person - it only makes you look like trouble.

All you can do is wait until they do it to somebody else new, I guess.

Well, at least I tried to tell someone this time, stayed calm, didn't doubt myself like previously - NOR just run away immediately based on past experience, like I wanted?

Not that it makes a difference either way. In fact, it's almost worse - had I just quit the day it happened and let them wonder, I'd feel better than feeling like the nut job and the joke now.

I tried, but she was right - no one believed me and I had no proof.

Thus, the self-doubt is starting to creep in again - not that she didn't really say that, because I'm 100% sure she did. 

But maybe I did do something else to bring that on myself that I'm not self-aware of?

Or that what she said isn't that bad and I overreacted?

Let me know what you think through private channels.

Just Gonna Plop This Screen Shot of The Letter Featured in the Lexington Herald Leader Today

 *Edited

I didn't plan on posting again today, after my Eddie Murphy post below, but just saw this in our local news.

I'm just gonna plop this screen shot, right here ...

The letter is from an article in the Lexington Herald Leader, today, from the lobbying contractors who lobby for Fayette County Public Schools to the state legislature, terminating their contract with them, and why.

So .. can I just tell you that 3 months ago, my husband, a former data analyst for FCPS,  transferred out of that department, taking a giant pay cut, and is now going to retire in January, for a reason (s)? ;)

NOT because he did anything wrong - but he knew others were.

Also, he did NOT have anything to do with the budget and financial data she mentions  - but his department would be the other data she refers to, here, that a lobbying firm would need to be accurate, consistent, and not manipulated when presenting it to legislature.

Even his ex-boss wasn't over input of financial data, but he is over both the IT and Data in general - data submission/presentation -  to the district, the school board, and for outside open-records requests.

She also says in the letter that someone - whom she believes is a school board member - has been smearing her to the press days before making this public announcement.

Interestingly, check the 1st and only comment under the article, at present - it's very clearly someone trying to discredit her.

I mean ... who else would write that comment, right? 😂

We didn't even know who she was, until today, even my husband didn't, so whoever wrote that apparently doesn't realize doing so is actually helping her case by providing proof someone IS doing that!  😂

What a world we live in now and the lengths people will go to cover up their own wrongdoing, technology actually making it easier in some cases to deceive, right? 

So here's the history, for those not following the local news the last few months -  FCPS is being audited and is in serious trouble.

The public first became aware the budget was in serious peril when the superintendent had an emergency board meeting to beg for an emergency contingency fund as the budget was in crisis.

Since then, we now have a state financial audit questioning literally millions of dollars in luxury travel and other strange spending sprees. 

Then the bombshell - local press reported the new budget director was placed on unpaid leave in July without explanation, curiously just after she sent emails to the superintendent and school board chair regarding budget inconsistencies and reckless spending.

So she got a lawyer and sued, citing retaliation and protection under the Whistleblower Act, then took a press tour - providing press with the emails proving she tried to flag everyone, then placed on leave in retaliation. 

And here we are today.

So this was validating for my husband, but considering the letter doesn't mention directly what the "other data proven inaccurate," is, only partially so. Also, no action/consequences yet.

Though just like at any other government institution or bureaucracy, here have always been some issues there - but it's become absolutely toxic the past 5 years.

In fact, though most of my neighbors work for the schools and say  the same, 3 others besides my husband - in different departments - have done the same as Mark - quit, retired, or switched to a lower-paying job. 

(One actually went back to teaching, though previously in administration leadership).

This is what happens when the toxic people are put in charge, then all the qualified, good people quit, retire, or switch out of departments. The toxic people then hire in unqualified crony buddies, who all protect each other.

BUT - don't we love it when truth finally comes out, or starts to?  😊

The Epstein thing, too - I've been saying since 2015, somebody should check into his ties with Epstein, based on his strange quote in New York Magazine in 2002 that resurfaced - but no one would listen.

And now, Trump is trying to get the DOJ to go after Clinton, I guess as some sort of distraction from what Epstein said about Trump himself.

I will not be blinded by what political hat child sex traffickers and those who enable them wear - so investigate both Clinton AND Trump

Because the fact is, Epstein's email said neither Clinton OR Trump participated in the sex-trafficking of underage girls - but only mentioned Trump as knowing about it for certain - but both need to be questioned.. 

But again, people will believe what they want to believe, and they have to be willing to even view the proof, without wearing rose-colored glasses - which many won't,  because it's contrary to what they need to believe.

That is, if they even know about it. Fox News STILL has yet to mention what Epstein said about Trump knowing for a fact what Epstein was doing.

Regardless, there is nothing like telling the truth about what you witnessed or experienced with a person, but no one believes you - nothing. 

And sometimes it's not even a matter of believing you or not believing you - they just don't want to deal with the whole investigation process and rehire someone.

I speak from personal experience.

The worst, however, is when you actually DO have proof, but no one wants to look/listen, because they're so sure whoever you're talking about isn't capable of whatever it is.

(My husband was in this situation, he actually recorded someone on several occasions  - and yet it made no difference.)

But the fact that the tip of the iceberg is now starting to show publicly is at least somewhat validating for him.

It brings me hope, too.

In fact, both situations brought me hope this week - that even it may take months, years, decades, or even centuries (in Trump's case?), the truth will come out, even if it's after we're gone - because it always does. 😊

But one thing I know is this ... a watched pot never boils.

You have to let it go or it can consume you.

Because it's not about what happens to them - it's about what happens to you because of what they did.

Can't catch their disease, lest you be just like them - and you also let them continue to have that much power over you  😊

"Being Eddie" And The People Who've Made Us LOL By Decade ...

 *Content being added, as I watch the second half.

So we started watching this late, then went to bed, so watching the second half tonight - and we're really are enjoying it -  despite the poor reviews, mostly about how we're not really getting any insight into being Eddie Murphy at all.

What did y'all expect?

This is how Eddie Murphy survived his super stardom without falling into addiction or drugs (he has never drank or used drugs), having a mental breakdown, or losing all his money - by NOT allowing us to have that part of himself. 

He'll hint at more vulnerable parts of himself, but he's not going to let you actually see it, so quit trying. 

It's a huge deal that he even let us see his house, his kids and grandkids, revealing that he prays and meditates, and especially that he was diagnosed with OCD a long time ago, right?

We're lucky Eddie Murphy let us in at all, frankly - he is well known to fiercely protect his privacy.

Because Eddie Murphy is a rare gift, straight from God (if there is one) - much like Robin Williams was.

And at the same time, he has this ability to tell you about everyday, mundane stuff, so that you feel like you're sitting right next to him at Thanksgiving. 

Eddie Murphy could sit there and could tell you what he had for breakfast this morning and have you laughing until you cried.

That is, if he wants to - he's actually known to be a pretty introverted person when not on stage, always observing. 

He's not going to allow the public to use HIS childhood to feed your "black trauma porn" addiction.

The important part is, he survived - and thrived!

In fact, he's remarkably well-adjusted, not just for having survived hints at his childhood, but his skyrocket into fame at 21 years old, and the fact that most comedians are privately bitter people.

No drugs, no drinking his entire career (with the exception of weed now and then, which he didn't even try until his 30s).

No rehab, no mental breakdowns, and has has made good financial choices - still worth about $200 million - and above all, no bitterness.

It's really quite remarkable, especially considering the level of fame he was at and being the first black box-office blockbuster draw - everyone wanted a piece of him - and he was 21 years old!

His experiences in early life taught him to find the humor in everything, literally everything - and without being mean.

Everything is curious to Eddie, everything is fodder for jokes later, and not in a mean way, but just like "That's some crazy shit, man, you know that, right?" - while giving you a wink at the same time.

People often credit Seinfeld with observational comedy  - but Eddie Murphy is actually the king of it - because not only does he joke about what he observes in real-time, he acts it out for you, with dead-on impressions, from celebrities to the person that served him Starbucks this morning.

I'm gonna sound like a granny here, saying this, but it's true - I wish "the kids" today could understand what a huge deal Eddie Murphy was, back in the day. 

I remember watching the old VHS tapes of "Delirious" and "Raw" over and over again, with my boyfriend and his huge family and our friends, like big groups of people, crying from laughing so hard, though we'd seen it 20 times already.

Built on the foundation Richard Pryor built of tackling racism from the black perspective, and making us laugh - Eddie Murphy took that ball and ran with it, to the degree that even White Supremacists laughed and liked Eddie Murphy.

Eddie Murphy taught us not only to laugh at white racists, but laugh at the everyday dumb stuff we white people do, and often what other black people do - Eddie Murphy taught us to laugh at ourselves.

In short, after literally centuries of white people putting their cruel racist humor on center stage and daring people of color to even blink, here came Richard Pryor, then and Eddie Murphy, not just laughing in the face of racism, but getting even racists to laugh at themselves-  getting ALL of us to laugh at ourselves, white, black, or other -  with a wink while he did it.

Eddie Murphy had the power to actually make us forget race for a while, if he wanted to - he had the power to unify - in a way that very few entertainers - very few people - can do. 

The show mentions an LA critic who pointed out, at the time, that his movie Boomerang had not a single white cast member and that Coming to America only had one.

So?

Were you counting?

And you know what, I didn't even notice what race people were, and I definitely didn't count, at the time, expect that, or even care - all I knew if Eddie Murphy was in it, I was going to laugh.

I didn't even think about or care about the race ratio - why did you?

And what, you're uncomfortable because you're not seeing people with your complexion all over a movie?

Welcome to their world.

Then we were talking about when was the last time someone made us laugh until we cried, like literally wiping our eyes we laughed so hard, doing stand-up or on TV or in movies?

It's been a while. Nobody currently seems to have that ability do they?

I mean, I laugh really easily at everything, but wiping my eyes from laughing so hard I cried?

It's been a minute. 

I can't even remember. I think it was certain SNL skits a couple of times (NOT this season) in the past 10 years.

(BTW, what's missing this season from SNL are the OTT impressions of people, which made the show, and its actors, famous.  Nobody in this cast is apparently capable of doing them?)

So then we started to talk about who made us laugh until we cried, each decade.

1970s

Carol Burnett.

Tim Conway.

Lily Tomlin

Red Foxx

Flip Wilson

Phyllis Diller

Paul Lynde

Mary Tyler Moore

Valerie Harper

Cloris Leachman

Ed Asner

Ted Knight

Betty White

Monty Python cast (John Cleese, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, Michael Palin)

The entire original Saturday Night Live cast (John Belushi, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, Garrett Morris,  Jane Curtin, Chevy Chase, and Laraine Newman).

Richard Pryor

Gene Wilder

George Carlin

Andy Kaufmann

Woody Allen

Diane Keaton

Tim Curry

Charles Grodin

Mel Brooks

Madeline Kahn

Alan Alda

Polly Holliday

Sally Field

Burt Reynolds

Danny Devito

Steve Martin

Bill Cosby

Bette Midler

Robin Williams

SCTV cast (John Candy, Martin Short, Rick Moranis, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Dave Thomas, Joe Flaherty)

1980s

Eddie Murphy

Robin Williams

Bill Murray

John Belushi and Dan Akroyd

Chevy Chase

Goldie Hawn

Charles Grodin

Lily Tomlin

Bette Midler

Billy Crystal

Robin Williams 

Whoopi Goldberg

George Carlin

Jerry Seinfeld

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Bill Cosby 

Tom Hanks

Michael Keaton

Leslie Neilson

John Candy

Rick Moranis

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Danny Devito

Dana Carvey

Kevin Nealon

Dennis Miller

Al Franken

Phil Hartman

Nora Dunn

Jan Hooks

Billy Connolly

Roseanne Barr

John Goodman

Ted Danson

Shelly Long

Woody Harrelson

Kirstie Alley

Steve Guttenberg

Michael J. Fox

Bruce Willis

Matthew Broderick

Anthony Michael Hall

John Cusack

The Kids in the Hall cast (Dave Foley, Mark McKinney, Kevin McDonald, Scott Thompson, Bruce McCullough)

Christopher Guest

Fred Willard

Martin Mull

Michael McKean

Harry Shearer

Bette Midler

1990s

Eddie Murphy

Robin Williams

Billy Crystal

Whoopi Goldberg

Jerry Seinfeld

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Martin Lawrence

Jim Carrey

Adam Sandler

Chris Farley

David Spade

Mike Myers

Dana Carvey

Will Ferrell

Molly Shannon

Ana Gasteyer

Nora Dunn

Jan Hooks

Norm MacDonald

Kevin Nealon

Phil Hartman

Sarah Silverman

In Living Color cast/The Wayans brothers (Damon, Keenan-Ivory, Marlon, and Shawn)

David Allen Grier

Tommy Davidson

Martin Lawrence

Rosie O' Donnell

Chris Rock

Ellen Degeneres

Roseanne Barr

John Goodman

Fran Drescher

Jeff Bridges

Steve Buscemi

Friends cast - Matthew Perry, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer, Matt LeBlanc

"Frasier" cast -  Kelsey Grammer, David Hyde-Pierce, Jane Leeves, John Mahoney, Peri Gilpin

Margaret Cho

Janeane Garofalo

Nathan Lane

Brett Butler

John Lithgow

Jane Curtin

French Stewart

Kristen Johnson

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Christopher Guest

Michael McKean

Harry Schearer

Eugene Levy

Catherine O'Hara

Parker Posey

Fred Willard 

Martin Mull

Conan O'Brien

Kevin James

Danny McBride

Jamie Foxx

Simon Pegg

Nick Frost

2000s

Jim Carrey

Robin Williams

Dave Chappelle

Sasha Baron Cohen

Mad TV cast (Nicole Sullivan, Michael McDonald, Stephanie Weir, Alex Borstein, Debra Wilson, Will Sasso)

Friends cast - Matthew Perry, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer, Matt LeBlanc

Jack Black

Adam Sandler

Drew Barrymore

Reese Witherspoon

Ellen Degeneres

Jon Stewart

Stephen Colbert

Conan O'Brien

Will Ferrell

John C. Reilly

Ben Stiller

Vince Vaughn

Owen Wilson

Steve Carell

Chris Rock

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Will Arnett

Maya Rudolph

Jimmy Fallon

Seth Meyers

Megan Mullalley

Sean Hayes

Nathan Lane

Ryan Reynolds

Jimmy Kimmel

Jason Bateman

Kevin James

Tracy Morgan

Andy Samberg

Kristen Wiig

Maya Rudolph

Bill Hader

Fred Armisen

Jason Sudeikis

Dane Cook

Taran Gillam

Jamie Foxx

Seth Rogen 

James Franco

Paul Rudd

Jonah Hill

Jason Segal

Zach Galifianakis

Ed Helms

Ken Jeong

Bradley Cooper

Neil Patrick Harris

Danny McBride

Jason Bateman

Jeffrey Tambor

Michael Cera

Jane Lynch

Eugene Levy

Catherine O'Hara

Parker Posey

Jennifer Coolidge 

Simon Pegg

Nick Frost

2010s

Ryan Reynolds

Kevin Hart

Ricky Gervais

Sasha Baron Cohen

Melissa McCarthy

Ellen Degeneres

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Andy Samberg

Jack Black

Jamie Foxx

Wanda Sykes

Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Kimmel

Stephen Colbert

John Mulaney

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Alec Baldwin

Tracy Morgan

Chris Pratt

Nick Offerman

Patton Oswalt

Aziz Ansari 

Aubrey Plaza

Seth Meyers

Fred Armisen

Jason Sudeikis

Conan O'Brien

Bill Hader

Henry Winkler

Dax Shepard

Kristen Bell

Steve Carrell

Seth Rogen 

James Franco

Paul Rudd

Jonah Hill

Zach Galifianakis

Ed Helms

Bradley Cooper

Ken Jeong

Danny McBride

John Mulaney

Bill Burr

Rebel Wilson

Key & Peele (Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele)

Ty Burrell

Julie Bowen

Eric Stonestreet

Jessie Tyler Ferguson

Sofia Vergara

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Tiffany Haddish

Issa Rae

Ali Wong

Kumail Nanjiani

2020s

Most of the following have made me laugh out loud, by not so much to tears, with the exception of Melissa McCarthy, several episodes of Ted Lasso, Schitt's Creek, Jennifer Coolidge, Parker Posey, and Nate Bargatze's skits on SNL (and some of his standup).

(Also, I don't care for Bill Burr or Shane Gillis, but they did make me laugh out loud a time or two; regardless, they both are hot right now.)

Ryan Reynolds

Kevin Hart

Paul Rudd

John Mulaney

Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Kimmel

Stephen Colbert

Dan Levy

Eugene Levy

Catherine O'Hara

Awkwafina

Zack Galifianakis

"Ted Lasso" cast (Jason Sudeikis, Brendan Hunt, Brett Goldstein, Hannah Waddingham, Juno Temple, Jeremy Swift, Nick Mohammed, Phil Dunster, Cristo Fernandez, James Lance)

Aubrey Plaza

Jennifer Coolidge

Parker Posey

Wanda Sykes

Righteous Gemstones cast (Danny McBride, Walton Goggins, John Goodman, Adam Devine, Tony Cavallero, Edi Patterson, Tim Baltz)

Aziz Ansari

Pete Davidson

Issa Rae

Nate Bargatze

Leeanne Morgan

Taylor Tomlinson

Ali Wong 

Michelle Buteau

Fortune Feimster

Michael Cera

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Adam Sandler (and the Sandler family).

Hannah Einbinder

Jean Smart

"Abbott Elementary" cast (Quinta Brunson, Tyler James Williams, Sheryl Lee Ralph, Lisa Anne Walter, Janelle James, Chris Perfetti, William Stanford Davis)

"Ghosts" cast (Rose McIvor,  Utkarsh Ambudkar, Brandon Scott Jones, Devan Chandler Long, Richie Moriarty, Rebecca Wisocky, Sheila Carrasco, Roman Zaragosa, Danielle Pinnock, Asher Grodman, Betsy Sodaro)

"What We Do In The Shadows" cast ( Kayvan Novak, Matt Berry, Natasia Demetriou, Harvey Guillén, Mark Proksch, and Kristen Schaal."

Tiffany Haddish

Kumail Nanjiani

Shane Gillis

Bill Burr

___________________________

PS - I have just submitted my transcript to the University of Cincinnati, for the Online Oncology Registrar Program, so wish me luck?

My prior cumulative GPA of 3.77 will probably get me in, no issue there - the problem is the finances needed. I was going to delay this a term, after Mark retires, but have decided to go ahead, so we shall see.

"Lead Me On" - Amy Grant

 

A couple of weeks ago, I was really struggling and confused in my faith, realizing much of what was tripping me up was my spiritual mom, Marian, was killed, after being hit head on by a drunk driver, literally coming home from church, two years ago. 

In fact, over the past week, I said out loud, for the first time in my life ...

"There is no God. God has never helped me in any meaningful way, and the worst stuff happened when I thought I was the closest to God, and there was no justice." 

"Regardless. I forgive anyway. I refuse to get bitter or catch whatever disease they're suffering from that causes them to do these things, lest I be just like them." 

"I try to make something good out of bad things that happened to me by being the support person I didn't have, showing them the kindness, mercy, benefit of the doubt, and basic common courtesy I should've received."  

 

"Because the unfortunate truth is, power wins despite truth. Those with even a little more power than you will win, every time - as will the best liars, manipulators, cheaters, and power abusers, often flipping things back on you and playing the false victim - even though that makes no sense, when you look at the power dynamics in the group." 

 

"For example, right now, our country is demonizing, villainizing, and scapegoating the poorest and most powerless groups in our society as being to blame for all country's  ills - immigrants, the homeless, and people of color."  

"They have no money OR power - and some are brand new immigrants, unable to speak the language, just trying to survive - they're the lowest people on the totem pole, but they caused all our country's problems versus those in power?" 

That make no sense!"  

"And if they dare speak up about it or fight back, even peacefully protest, that only gets flipped back on them and used as "proof" in reverse of why they were demonized in the first place. They're not even allowed to be mad and "should be grateful?" 

 

"And like I said yesterday with the Epstein-Trump email situation, some people will STILL believe what they want to believe versus what's right there in black and white, some of them refusing to even look at it because it doesn't support what they need to believe."  

"If they do look, it'll be with rose-colored glasses on, making excuses  - whatever keeps them from looking at themselves and what they went along with/supported."   

 

"And for me personally, unfortunately, the people who've 'done me wrong' the most have been self-proclaimed Christians, usually white ones, 99.9% of the time, for whatever reason!"   

 

"So I have finally come to the conclusion that there is no God, and if he does exist, certainly seems to be there for some and not others, even one innocent child and not another, One child appeared to have a guardian angel, while the other's was MIA."  

"So you wonder if maybe Tennyson was right - some of us just aren't important, some of must be "children of a lesser God."

So I've been struggling with that again, the past couple of days because of something that happened.

And you can see my posts from that time, 2 weeks ago, but during them, I also mentioned that I failed to understand how slaves could still sing to God in those fields, suffering as they did, knowing they'd never be released and die a slave, usually in horrible ways, and never see justice.

Or that Jewish people could still believe in God at all, after 6 million of supposedly God's own chosen people were tortured exterminated.

So I keep kept asking myself ...

"How arrogant would it be of me, to think God would help and intervene in MY life, if he didn't 6 million of his own people and hundreds of thousands of people of color, as if I'm better or more important, when I'm not?

Then I watched a video behind the meaning behind New Orleans Jazz funerals (also see that post in that series) - and I understood.

They sang and believe because it's not about hope for justice, rescue, or deliverance in THIS life - they realize they will likely never see rescue or justice in their lifetime  - it's about release from how shitty this life can be for some people and hope for a better one.

As for me, I don't know where were go, after we die, I wish I did.

I do know that the 3rd law of thermodynamics/law of conservation says that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only transfer.

So our energy - especially conscious energy - has to go somewhere. 

Does it just disperse dissipate out into other life forms around us or does it go back to it's original source of energy, like turning off a computer or a dead one?

I don't know.

And I do know that the shitty things human beings do to each other, sometimes even other Christians, even sometimes in God's' name - wouldn't be God's fault, even if he does exist.

If it's true he gave us free will and promised not to revoke it, then he won't intervene - and the best that we can hope for he will help us withstand it.

And I understand that sometimes, because we AREN'T slaves or Jews in concentration camps, we do make free-will choices that aren't in our own best interest and there are consequences for that.

But also, though we aren't slaves of concentration camp residents, those of us who weren't lucky enough to be born into privilege and have no power and/or don't have healthy families, we tend to get just shit on more, used, and abused more than most people, by the people who either do have more power or don't yet, but are willing to step  on you, just so that they can get it, knowing there's nothing you can do about it and no one will believe you.

Now - I used to think sometimes there were overly coincidental things during hard times that I wondered if they were from God.

I think some people call them "God winks?"

I call them "Cookies from God."

Like "I see what's happening to you and it sucks, it's wrong, and I can't intervene because of free will, but I saw it, I'm here. Here's a cookie" 😂

And sometimes I thought things were God winks or God letting me know he saw and cared, only to find out in horrible ways they were SO not. 

Then again, my former priest (Episcopalian) would say ...

"Sometimes God DOES give gifts to sustain you - but just like CS Lewis said in The Screwtape Letters when you are consciously trying to put good out into this world - or when good and light are being done anywhere - rest assured evil and darkness will be drawn to it and find a way in somehow, trying to destroy it, to make sure good doesn't happen. Sometimes it uses even ordinarily good people in poor or selfish moments to accomplish it, unaware. "

(That's not a direct quote from CS Lewis OR my priest, btw, just the gist.)

That was a female priest by the way, who no longer leads a church and counsels at the VA, after religion and right-wing politics became so closely linked in our area. 

Regardless, cookies aren't enough - I need a full dinner.

And they have been few and far between anyway.

So I can't sing about the provisions and gifts from God, I'm sorry.

I can't sing about truth or justice prevailing or deliverance in my own lifetime.

But what I can do is sing about the truth being revealed someday, even if it's after I'm gone.

I can sing about hoping that after this life, there's a better one?

I know that the 3 or 4 friends or family regularly reading this blog must be like "What's with the old 80s Amy Grant stuff lately? 😂

So those of you who know me well, know that I used to sing - but haven't for a very long time - and it was often Amy Grant.

That is because Amy Grant's songs of faith comforted and carried me through a horrific childhood.

So this song, written by Michael W. Smith for Amy Grant, is about the slaves and Jews, still singing to God in the hopes of justice and deliverance from this life.

It's singing for the hope, faith, that God will hold you up until your time, then lead you to that light after death.

LYRICS: 

Shoulder to the wheel
For someone else's selfish gain
Here there is no choosing
Working the clay
Wearing their anger like a ball and chain.

Fire in the field
Underneath a blazing sun
But soon the sun was faded
And freedom was a song
I heard them singing when the day was done
Singing to the holy One.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.

Waiting for the train
Labeled with a golden star
Heavy hearted boarding
Whispers in the dark
"Where are we going, is it very far?"

Bitter cold terrain
Echoes of a slamming door
In chambers made for sleeping, forever
Voices like thunder in a mighty roar
Crying to the Lord.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.

Man hurts man
Time and time, time again
And we drown in the wake of our power
Somebody tell me whyyyyy?

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking, lead on.

LEAD ON!