PS - The Messed Up Nightmare I Had, Last Night ...

 

So, after the experiences I wrote about below, I said aloud, for the first time in my life.

"You know what? There is no God. " 

"God, if you are there, I apologize, and still, Tennyson is right - some people are just children of a lesser God - either way, you truly have never once come through for me in any truly meaningful way."

Then I had a nightmare.

Now I need to pre-empt this by saying that also contributing to this nightmare, Mark and I watched a crime documentary on a "guy-next-door" type of serial killer yesterday, so keep that in mind 😂 

Anyway, in the dream, my neighbors turned out to be serial killers and killed all my other neighbors but me, in front of me, but not me. I asked why. They said because they liked me.

Me: "Okay, the fact that a band of serial killers dig me isn't exactly a feather in my cap. What does this mean, I'm so effed up only serial killers like me or I'm cursed or something?"

 

Them: "Haha, no, it's just you're so nonjudgemental, and you're so non-bitter and how you can still like people and be kind, though you shouldn't be, after your shitty life. It's adorable. You're like a favorite pet."

 

Me: "Um ... nonjudgmental to a point. Can I leave now?"

Them: "Well, of course not. Might as well party with us now."

Me: "Yeah, I don't feel like partying?  You might as well kill me now, because my nonjudgmentalism-bordering-on-codependency only goes so far -  of course I'm not gonna stay silent about this." 

"And the prospect of being the favorite toy or pet in a cage for a band of serial killers for the rest of my life doesn't  great, we're just prolonging the inevitable because, you'll kill me anyway, once you're bored with me."

They just shrugged and said "Okay." ... 

... then they stabbed me multiple times (which of course I didn't feel because it was a dream 😂

But I didn't die. 

A fact which they noticed when they stopped partying and tried again just to directly slit my throat.

Still not dead!

Then they tried lighting me on fire.

Still not dead!

Getting a little tired of this shit taking so long, I grabbed a knife from one of them and just stabbed myself and woke up.

Now, admittedly, immediately upon waking up, the old me that grew up in charismatic faith thought for 2 seconds that maybe I was cursed or that the devil had me now, since I'd said aloud there was no God.

Then -  now being fully awake and realizing the absurdity of that - this was simply a dream where my subconscious incorporated everything I'd watched on TV and other experiences lately, I went outside to smoke a cigarette at 4 a.m.

For some I thought about what "Sister X" had previously said in that second phone call.

"The only power the devil really has over you is convincing you there's no God and causing you to lose your faith."

You know what I'd say to her now, after what she did Friday? 

"No, Bitch - it's not "the devil"  - it's YOU! 

"YOU provided the straw that finally broke the faith camel's back!

"YOU finally put the nails in that coffin after other Christians just like you! "

😂😂😂


Oh, you kooky charismatics, always blaming the devil to avoid accountability and responsibility -  terrified "the devil" is capable of taking hold of our brains without our consent, for things we always have conscious free-will choice over doing. 

You know what Jesus actually said about that right? 

The same Jesus that I no longer believe in as of yesterday, but you still do?

Does "Causing others to stumble in their faith with your actions, better a millstone be hung around thy neck and thrown into the deepest ocean than what awaits you" sound familiar?

How about "Twice as much a child of hell as they are?" - does that ring a bell?

So you better pray, for your own sake, that I'm right and that it IS all just fairy tales.

Because if it isn't, Jesus said you're in twice as much trouble as I am for becoming a nonbeliever -  over being the final catalyst responsible for my losing my faith entirely.

Now - since I have your attention/know you're reading - and I'm apparently already renting space in your head enough to visit my blog 20 times a day for what reason I don't know - let THAT sink in your head and swim around a while.

😂😂😂

 

White Flag - I Resigned - Too Old And Tired To Go to HR And Create Havoc

I have hinted at this situation a few months ago, without naming names or what this was regarding, and I thought it had resolved.

And I thought it had, too.

But at this point, I give up.

I have written my letter of resignation for January, giving them enough time to train someone else and for me to find other employment.

Because I realized something - if they really believed she had really said the below to me on that first call she made to my personal phone 2 months ago, then they wouldn't have left us all unsupervised for 2 weeks while my boss was on vacation these past 2 weeks..

In their defense, maybe they thought things had improved - which I did too - until Friday.

And now, after writing and sending my resignation letter, I'm going to write it all out, the history - if nothing else, to free myself from the stress, because I can now.

A history which I'm not gonna tell HR, I'm just gonna go - nobody wants to go through that, it's creating the maximum amount of drama, worse than the events themselves.

So for the past 6 months, at 56 years old, I landed the best job of my life - the one that I hoped would take me into my retirement.

Everyone was so kind and helpful, there appeared to be no cutthroat competition at this one like I'd seen before, due to our field rapidly being replaced by AI.

I thought I hit the job lottery - and I otherwise really did - except for the following, which no one really knows the full story of - until now.

I mean, no place is perfect, but after watching the same cutthroat stuff increase in my dwindling field, the past 15 years or so, I honestly thought it wasn't going to be an issue here, because we weren't paid on productivity or quality, we are paid hourly, and there was no place to be promoted to.

Then in early September, when my boss was away for 2 days after I received much accolade for my performance  - like that I was the fastest on record to ever pass training and about my positive, encouraging attitude, my sense of humor,  blah, blah, blah - a coworker called me on my personal phone instead of through Teams.

Imagine my shock, after previously having nothing but positive experience with her, in a nutshell, to essentially accuse me of trying to "make her look bad," then running down her resume about how much more qualified she was than me, how much more experienced she was than me.

Um ... I wasn't trying to outshine or upstage her in any way -   I was just trying to do a good job, appreciative for having hit the job lottery.

Worse, THEN she this, I swear to God:  

"If you try to tell anyone about this, good luck - they won't believe you -  I'm good here, everyone loves me." 

When I pointed out it was pretty clear she was unhappy with me/she was upset on Teams after slightly snipping at me the day before, she said ...  

"Where did I say this on Teams? There's no proof. I was a bit short, but they don't know what I said here."

I got chills, that was so creepy.

In fact, only 3 other people in life have said that to me and they earned those chills later, believe me.

So at that point, I politely excused myself from the call, voice shaking - I was literally scared of her - because that was genuinely psycho and creepy.

Then my body started shaking.

DAMN my PTSD reactions/body betrayal!

I then called to EAP, then got back into therapy, trying to figure out what I did to bring this on myself.

To be honest, I almost quit that day, in PTSD fight-or-flight mode, but they convinced me to stay.

(To be fair, I was also running a 102-degree temperature from having the RSV virus.)

My therapist and I went over it and over it. 

I asked her "Is it because I did this? Maybe I shouldn't have done that?"

As hard as it is for me to believe, she said I did not bring this on myself NOR deserve it.

They said this actually happened because I was doing well - and the proof was the reason she claimed to initially be upset with me, before she launching into me, didn't even make any sense - it didn't even make sense to management later.

But I apologized anyway, like I do, for even upsetting her, initially always assuming things are my fault.

EAP - and my therapist - both encouraged me to tell my bosses or HR, and we'd find out if X was correct, my bosses wouldn't believe me and she had them in her pocket/successfully manipulated them to see her the way she wants.

They said that was actually scary, even for people who didn't have PTSD, and akin to a threat - and that if it wasn't taken seriously, that'd be a red flag here.

I didn't want to - because going to HR is more stressful and dramatic than the event itself!

AND it would only prove her paranoia to herself, that I AM somehow trying to make her look bad, when I'm not, with her never realizing that if I did go to HR, she'd created a self-fulfilling prophecy herself.

AND I've never, ever seen that work out for anyone, others or myself - ever. 

Even in a clear case I saw of racist bullying that we all witnessed, , the victim didn't win with HR due to not enough proof..

Because the truth is, HR is there to protect the company, not you. 

And bullying is rampant in the workplace and in general society, right now, even applauded - you're expected to put up and shut up, be strong.

Okay, well, what if you can't/aren't?

These days, it's not enough to do your job well,and be kind and helpful - you have to either play or withstand unnecessary passive-aggressive games with people, like you're on an episode of Survivor! 

Again, what if you can't or don't want to?

Being that mostly our neighbors mostly work for the schools, like my husband, I can tell you for a fact I know 3 people the last year that have either quit, retired, or moved to another department and taking a pay cut, after previously actually going to HR after being bullied, but nothing was done.

That is because the truth is, nobody wants to deal with it, they're too busy - and bullies know that and take full advantage of it - and thus, usually win. They know how to avoid the obvious or enlist others to help bully and blame the victim.

Also, I was afraid to go to even management,  because when this person appeared to say something slightly snarky in chat before that call, I happened to be on the phone with my boss at the time, still in training, and I asked her:

"Okay, what X just wrote - am I taking this wrong or is she being snarky? You know how things look snarky in chat that aren't, right? And I don't know her well. It's probably that, right? 

My boss said: 

"Yeah, it's just that no tone thing. Because X would nevvverr, ever say anything mean to anyone. I see what it looks like, but she probably just wrote it quickly."

So I doubted myself and chalked it up to my misinterpreting it.

But I thought about that, after her psycho call, and I figured that it was a sign that X was right - she had successfully manipulated management to believe what she wanted them to believe about her, and if I DID try to tell, no one would believe me as a new team member.

But instead of running away, though shaking, I did what EAP and my therapist said to do - I followed through on telling my bosses the full story, scared shitless.

To their credit, they confronted her about it and she did admit she was upset and yelling - but not what she said.

My boss told her it was unacceptable, and that I had been offered going to HR, but I had refused, but if it happened again, I would.

Unfortunately, the department boss also admitted to me that she "forgot" to address the actual content of what she said, which was the only reason I ever told management. 

I mean, if someone yells at me in the workplace, it's not a big deal. I've actually had a doctor throw charts at us before lol.

My boss said she personally was focused on what she did admit to - the inappropriateness of calling me and yelling at a new person that she barely knew and how completely unacceptable that was. 

And that this is why we have Teams calls, so we can record and track what is said.

Curiously, X says her Teams calls are broken and she has to call on persona phones and that she won't let IT remote in on her computer to fix it because she doesn't trust them.

Is that the real reason, tho? 

Because now I'm wondering if the real reason isn't actually she knows a record is kept with Teams calls and if refusing to have it fixed intentionally so that she can avoid any record of what she says?

Regardless, my boss apologized for not addressing the content, said she'd never had to deal with this before, and maybe I should escalate it to HR who had more experience with these things?

I told her what I wrote above -  if I did that, that would only prove to X her paranoia, that I AM out to make her look bad, and she'd never realize this was self-fulfilling prophecy she brought on herself -  - but if it happened again, I would. As long as they were aware, all good.

Then I pretended like it didn't happen and went on.

I isolated for a while, just kept my head down did my job, kept all communication brief, polite, and professional, to the bare minimum.

Then, realizing this is all based on her own insecurities, I started pointing out great things X did, pointing out mistakes I made in front of her and the whole team and laughing about them, deferring to her seniority publicly.

I thought maybe if I did that, she'd feel less threatened.

There were a few little passive-aggressive moves since, but nothing like that call - so I thought maybe it was a one-off, she got caught, and she'd never do it again. 

I even began to doubt myself again.

"Did that really happen? Did I misunderstand?

Then my boss went on vacation for the past 2 weeks.

The first week was great, no issues whatever, we all worked together as a team, no issues, in fact, joking around and taking turns handling assignments, it was great. 

Then, after handling some difficult issues that arose that day in the first week, I got an email from another department from someone saying "Chrystal, you are fantastic!!!!" in front of everyone in the thread.

I appreciated it, but also thought to myself "Op, shhhhh ... that kinda talke will set X off towards me again!" lol.

But it didn't - at first.

In fact, at first, it seemed the opposite happened.

I received a call from X again, though we're not supposed to be communicating off the record.

My heart started beating, I couldn't get my iPhone recorder to work fast enough, and I told her in private chat that we were supposed to keep all communication on Teams.

She asked me to trust her for a second.

So I gave her another chance - and answered.

To my surprise and delight, she apologized for her prior behavior - said she was overwhelmed that day with personal stuff, but "God laid it on her heart to apologize to me."

(She is a charismatic evangelical Christian.)

I almost cried, in a good way, I swear - and I still do believe it was sincere.

She also told me she actually really liked me, I was funny, very capable, and showered me with a bunch of compliments that seemed sincere (but when she does them with people randomly online, they look a little OTT and insincere, like she's trying to appear positive if I'm honest).

During the conversation, she brought up her sister dying in a car accident when they were teenagers - which happened to literally be 1 day after I wrote on here about Marian getting killed in a car accident - but I figured "Yeah, she probably read it, but that's a good thing, she's trying to relate to me using it to get past this."

We had a really great conversation, actually, about God and the "whys" - why God seems to sometimes take the best people from our lives.

She called me "Sister," in a Christian sense - actually ending the call that way.

I was so happy.

In fact, I immediately wrote my therapist telling her this is the first time in my life any of those 3 people who ever said those "no one will believe you" words to me ever apologized - it was healing.

We both were overjoyed and were happy that I'd stayed the course instead of running.

It even helped my faith struggled I mentioned on here in my post about Marian.

Now, I did mention at my next therapy session, last Thursday, that I was finding it hard to reconcile the person I heard in the first call with the second, and was going to still be cautiously optimistic, and asked if that made me a bad person for not taking it at face value?

She said no, it made me smart - take it as sincerity, but realize what she is capable of, too, and observe. She may mean to be sincere, but her insecurities take over and she's not aware of it.

So imagine how shocked I was -  on this 2nd week of my boss's vacation - when X did what she did Friday ...

She responded to someone from another department - the same person who pronounced me "fantastic" - and she left off my prior replies and contributions to the report issue as if I didn't at all and she handled it all herself!

She did this by going back to an email the week prior, an email before my update responses, which left of my contribution replies entirely as if I never did them.

Now, quick history, this person asked the team to send an email reminder to her again the next week, about this issue, as the doctor who needed to fix the report was on vacation.

My boss - who had one day scheduled back during her 2-week vacation to do a QA pull - said she would also be on vacation away, but "someone from the team will remind you that day" 

So I flagged it to remind myself to remind her, as requested.

On the day of his return, I first waited for X or anyone else to do so first for several hours, not wanting to step on Maria's toes if she was gonna do it -  but when no one else did, I wrote an email reminder to  this person as she had requested the week prior.

I then sent a later follow-up email in that thread that he was in the report now (then you send a follow up when it's been completed).

Then the next morning, before I came in,  X bypassed my updates, went to that old email from the week prior - leaving out my reminder and contributions completely - and pronounced herself the one to be the one to remind this person and update on this report. 

ow, just to be clear - providing an update on a report can be done by any of us, that's not the issue. 

But these email trails are like IT tickets - you need to see the whole trail with everyone's efforts, right? 

Thus, going to an old email, omitting my contribution reminder and update the day before - as if I hadn't, but she did - is NOT okay.

In fact, it's not only credit snatching, it's a well-known passive-aggressive bully move and worse - it's an attempt at semi-sabotage of a coworker.

So I added to the email thread:

 "Thank you, X, not sure if you saw my reminder yesterday, but thanks for the followup and update. Favor to ask, though? Any way we  can we keep all updates on the same full thread so that we can keep track of who did what already on these? That way, we don't have to go digging through separate emails to see who did what already lol."

You know, like an IT ticket - you can track what's already been tried or done, right?

This is new for me, to stand up for myself directly the person, because that never went well in my younger life.

Essentially, I was politely calling her on it "Girl, I see you/what you did."

And she knew it - then wrote me me in private chat ...

X: "I did see your responses, but chose to update this morning using a prior email in the thread, when I saw he still had it locked.

 

Me: "Yes, I see that. It's a little odd you left off my updates, but whatevs, as long as it's clear I tried to help yesterday, all good lol."

Then, about 30 minutes later, I realized  - no, it's not all good.

 

Me: "Okay, help me understand - why did you leave my reminder and update off the thread again - did I say something wrong?"

After about 10 minutes, after I saw dots flying, stop, start up again, stop, she just responded:

 X: "I kept it on the same thread and updated the team, I did what I was supposed to do. If you have a problem with it, take it up with our boss when she gets back."

Yeah, she did keep it on the same thread - but she left out the part where she used an old email from a week ago, which appeared to intentionally leave out that I gave the initial reminder and my contribution.

Me:  "So ... I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that there was good explanation as to why you chose to leave off my reminder and update, other than what it looks like by asking you - and you are choosing not to take it. Because I'll be honest with you, it looks like you're trying to ignore my contribution and take credit for the reminder. And if that's the case, that's fine, you can have the credit and continue the follow-up - I don't care about credit lol."

And you know what?

I don't care if she gets credit.

I DO care she tried to erase my contribution, though.

But I've seen way worse, of myself or others, in my cutthroat field being replaced by AI.

And like I said, I've seen others report this stuff to HR and it never, ever goes well - because bullying is hard to prove.

That is because it's often your word versus theirs and happens when no one else is around.

Or people don't want to get involved.

Or they've successfully poisoned the well against you with gossip and they help pile on, blaming the victim, just trying to keep themselves safe from the bully.

 

So I became confused as to what to do now.

Actually, I was heartbroken.

I was - trying to reconcile this person with that person who apologized just a week ago, for essentially threatening me 2 months ago, and calling me "Sister,"  having bonded over having lost people close to us in car accidents (her bringing it up during that call, literally one day after I wrote that post about Marian's death).

I mean, was that sincere  -  or is she just a really good manipulator, trying to gain back my trust, only so she can stick it to me again?

Well, she succeeded.

And I'm an idiot for not trusting my instincts and giving her another chance, aren't I?

This is a chronic problem for me.

Doubting myself, blaming myself, and giving 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances kept me in toxic relationships and situations for way too long - I spent over half of my life doing that.

Whether she means to be sincere but her insecurities overtake her or she was manipulating me the whole time - including using car-accident death of someone we're close to as a way back in - I'm an idiot for falling for it again - so it IS my fault, in end,

While stewing over what to do, I remembered Marian's advice on how to deal with a similar personality (disorder) in my family who behaves this way, trying not to overreact based on that transference.

(THAT is MY responsibility in this - staying calm and not overreacting based on prior experience - because she really IS behaving this way, same patterns - I no longer doubt myself, I know now I'm not imaging it, it's not transference.)

So I had an idea - I'd wrote a post about Marian's advice, both  to remind myself and as a soft of test, to find out if X was reading my blog for certain.

Without revealing how it was somewhat confirmed at work by following the same pattern as this personality-disordered person in my personal past, I can tell you that the telltale sign was my tracker revealing that someone from her area of the country hit not only that post, the prior post I wrote in September (in which I never mentioned it was a work situation), and my original positive post celebrating passing training with my workplace name in it - over 20 times within 24 hours.

I mean, I don't have the exact IP address, but who else from that area of the country would do that, those specific posts, over 20 times in 24 hours, right?

And WHY is she on just those posts 20 times in 24 hours - looking for something she can use, either to manipulate me with again or use against me?

Regardless, I don't know and I don't care - I don't want a battle, I want out, because this clearly isn't going to stop.

I'm too old, don't have enough time and energy.

X ... and my fight or flight ... may both win, I don't care anymore.

And I clearly am really permanently damaged, haven't learned a friggin thing in life, and suck at life.

So I slept on it - and 36 hours later, I decided to put in my letter of resignation, last night, for January, giving them enough time to train someone else and also for me to find a new job.

Needless to say, this was the best job of my life, and I am ... heartbroken.

Everything and everybody else were amazing, they really were.

I'm also heartbroken because I put my last bit of my mustard seed faith in God, who got infused into this situation through X's effort to "help" me with my faith and her apology, to the point that I almost started to have faith in God and hope again - and then having it turn out the same way  - I can honestly the last bit of faith and hope I had in that, or myself - just died.

As for faith in myself, like I said, I am clearly permanently damaged, I've become so fragile I can't take a stiff wind anymore, I'm tired of it all - and no amount of therapy is going to fix it. 

You know that Nietzsche saying "That which does not kill us makes us stronger?"

That's complete bullshit. 

It actually makes you damaged and weaker, even disabled - and dang if there aren't a plethora of predatory people that can sniff that weakness out in a room full of other people. 

But I'll be okay - somehow I always am.

I wish I was different and didn't have PTSD fight or flight responses.

I guess you could say, at least at first I tried to ignore my "it's all happening again the exact same way" common PTSD fear that precedes the fight-or-flight response and stayed with it to find out at first.

Dang if it didn't.

Congratulations, Christian "Sister" ... and you called me in that last call.

I just resigned. 

You one by default an unnecessary competition that only existed in your own head, brava!

Not only that, but you succeeded in helping me kill that last bit of mustard-seed faith I was struggling with, which you appeared to try help me with in that last call - so thank you?

I think you were sincere - but I also think you do things out of your own insecurities that you either aren't aware of or honest with yourself about,  to the point you end up behaving in ways that are counterproductive to the person you mean to be.

Regardless, I hope you get what you want, I really do - and I hope all of this towards me was worth it.

But  before you chalk this up to another "Glory to God" or to  "Thank Jesus" moment - was it really thanks to him or how low you'd stoop out of your own insecurities? 

Since you're still a fan of Jesus - and I'm not, after this, this killed the last mustard seed of faith I had after Marian - I leave you with this verse you may have overlooked, since I'm apparently renting space in your head enough that you're visiting her multiple times a day  ... 

 

"Mark 8:26"For what doth it profit a main to gain the whole world but forfeit his soul in the process?"

There's something for you to reflect on ...  "Sister," as you called me that day ... and when you support your likely Trump hero, you might reflect on it, as well.

Take care ... 

My Last Post Was a Test ...

(*edited/updated for clarification and to remove redundancies.)

...to see if someone was indeed reading my blog. Let's just say, I know now, without a doubt, that they are  - thanks for the confirmation :)

Added 11/8/2025 - Is there a good reason why you've hit only certain posts over 20 times in the last 24 hours?

I mean, I don't care who reads my quiet little blog in the corner that few read, it's not private - and if you're doing it because you like something and want to reread it or find it helpful, great.

However - considering our history- and the posts you're hitting -  if the intent instead is combing for information to use - either to try manipulate me again or use against me - well, that isn't cool, it?

For the record, I've never once searched for you or any of your social media - and your being here, as many times as you are, on the posts that you're returning to -  you do realize that doesn't look good, right?

In fact, it's more than a little creepy.

I can't pretend I'm not disappointed in your behavior in general, today.

I sincerely thought we turned a corner a few weeks ago, or at least I hoped so. Somewhere inside, though, I knew it wouldn't last, if I'm honest. 

I did suspect you were reading my blog that day you called - your approach being someone close to you also dying in a car accident -  which I had literally just written about here the day before.

I genuinely enjoyed that conversation, and I thought we walked away from that closer, having a better understanding of each other.

However, I don't think you can help acting out of your insecurities, despite consciously having the best of intentions. (At least I hope so.)

Have you ever tried just admitting your insecurities, rather than unnecessarily and repeatedly running down your qualifications and experience?

(That's a dead giveaway you're actually feeling insecure, dear ;)

Or perhaps therapy?

I go to therapy, it really helps. We all have insecurities, none of us have everything under control.

It's really not a big deal to admit them and check to see if our insecurities are making us behave in counterproductive ways to the person we mean to be.

Admitting you're acting out of your own insecurities or fears doesn't make you weak, it makes you human - and also very brave - and can actually help heal you.

Otherwise, other than that test post earlier as an experiment to verify a suspicion, I don't play unnecessary games. First of all, I suck at them, because they feel inauthentic and fake, which is something that, above all else, I am not - sometimes to my own detriment lol.

I don't even know how to deal with overly competitive women, I never have, so I just don't, I just try like hell to avoid them, because ... why???

When you can just be real, transparent, admit your own flaws and insecurities and be genuinely supportive of other women?

Maybe even admit you're insecure, admit you're afraid this woman or that woman is "better" in some way.

I assure you, they're probably not - but even if they really are "better" in one way, don't you have your own gifts?

Aren't you mature enough to admire someone else's gifts without needing to tear them down to feel better about your own or try to outshine them? 

And by support of other women, I do NOT mean those times you randomly give insincere, saccharine, overly energetic, and wayyyy OTT compliments. 

I guess some people fall for them, but smart people can clearly see you're just trying to look positive to others.

(Passive-aggressively sticking it to them later behind their back is a dead giveaway, dear lol.)

I like to sincerely focus on the best in people, encourage, and build them up myself - but I'm pretty sincere and specific - and I ignore flaws, because we all have flaws - UNLESS - those flaws come flying AT me repeatedly - and if they do, well, I'll probably tell you that's not okay, too. 

Doesn't mean I don't see the good in you still, too - it's just that particular behavior isn't working for me and it's probably not working for you, either, if you're honest.  

If you really think about it, these games really aren't making you look better than others, at least to smart people - and they can't feel good to play, right? 

I mean, how exhausting all of that unnecessary manipulation, scheming, attempts at perception control, and politicking must be, right?

Girls like that were hard enough to deal with in junior high, but with adults old enough to know better, in their 50s, I just don't have the time or energy to even deal with it at all, so I won't lol.

But let me just say one more time - I will NOT compete with you - despite your best efforts to tempt me to - please, just take whatever prize you imagine there is because I'm not gonna get down in the gutter with you and fight you for it lol.

I also don't take credit for or ignore other people's efforts just to try to make myself look better, like what you did today! 

Ewww ... I admit, that behavior is particularly ugly to me and bothers me, perhaps more than others. 

I did try to give you the opportunity to explain other reasons you may have done that - but your answer made no sense lol.

I have never known how to deal with people like that. 

Unless it's my boss,  it bothers me less, because you know, a win for them is a win for the whole team, I guess - but I thank God my boss isn't like that lol.  

Most times, I just SMH or laugh, if it's obvious and everyone knows it's BS and they're doing so out of insecurity, there's no need to say anything. 

Other times, if people actually believe it/fall for it, it does really bug me for some reason. 

Take that knowledge and do with that what you will - isn't that why you're here reading?

To find stuff you can use, either to manipulate me with again or use against me in some way? 

Go right ahead - doing so only further proves my point.

I used to just sit and let them, it didn't matter as long as I knew the truth, and if people were blind or dumb enough to believe it, oh well. 

That ... never really worked out well for me, though.

But if you say anything, then you look like the petty,  insecure, competitive one, instead of the person who tried to take credit for what you did, ignore your contribution, and be in the spotlight right? 

So what to do?

Well, at 56 years old, I also have less tolerance for that kind of unnecessary BS and am less inclined to ignore it, because as I said, that never really worked out for me.  You like to think the truth will come out, but people see what they want to see, too.

I won't throw a fit about it, of course, but I will find a polite way to see "I see you." 

So that was me today, just saying "Girl, I see you." 

But it could be worse, I guess - worse to me is when women tear other women down as another method of making themselves look/feel better. I mean, didn't most of us stop doing that with other women when we were like, 13?

I get it if that person actually did something to you, but if we're just feeling competitive with them and doing it out of our own insecurities, that's not justified. 

Regardless, I do hope all the games, scheming, manipulations, and perception-control - done out of your own insecurities you can't admit - pay off for you in life, that you get what you want, and that it was worth it, I really do.

Because otherwise, you exhausted yourself for nothing - except your own ego stroke, of course - which is just, ya know - sad. 

Whatever you do, just know this - I see you.

Not everybody will fall for it.

I see the good also, I really do - you're fantastic at what you do, you really are.

So just own it  - and stop intentionally trying to outshine other women out of your own fears/insecurities - because literally NO ONE is trying to intentionally outshine you or anyone else.  

Reminder of Marian's Wise Words Today, After Asking "The Chrystal Question," Knowing Better ...

I think in certain cases, people don't mean to be dishonest -  they just can't be honest with themselves, too scary. 

In other cases, I think some people mean to be one person, but their insecurities cause them to do things contrary to being that person they're not consciously aware of - ya know whatta  mean?  

That doesn't make them bad people or intentionally dishonest people, they're still good people - but it does make it challenging to have open, honest communication with them, as they may not have the self-awareness or the capacity.

Others of us who have been to long-term therapy are acutely and consciously aware of our insecurities and fears and are capable of looking at the ugliest parts of ourselves to figure out why we do what we do, because we're all human - we ask ourselves this daily lol.

That doesn't make us better people - it just makes us more willing to look and see what we said/did that contributed to the problem (and sometimes can be flipped back on you, if not careful, but people less inclined to look at themselves.)

Regardless, Marian would say this ... 

 

"You know what you did wrong, here, with your family, don't you?  You asked 'The Chrystal question' - which is 

"So ... why did you do that?"


"I know you're genuinely asking for clarification, rather than jumping to conclusions based on what it looks like, knowing you're not inside their head."

"However, when you run across people either intentionally being dishonest or they do mean to be honest, but are also completely lacking in self-awareness (and have no interest in gaining any), then asking them that question is a moot point and will only cause trouble."

"Because they don't want to look at themselves and answer why they do what they do, it doesn't compute with how they want to see themselves, so it's just easier to make you the problem for even asking, rather than answer the question."

"And if someone -- your family or otherwise - ever DOES make you the problem for asking, perceives it as a threat,  or rambles off something that doesn't even make any sense as excuse?"

"Then you know for sure you're dealing with someone who has neither the self-awareness, interest, not even the capacity to answer truthfully, so it's really pointless to ever try again, let they flip it back on you as the problem."

Thank you, Marian - missing you today xo.

What I Say When Other Christians Ask Why I Don't Support Trump ...

* Edited to add this prologue ... supporting Trump should NOT be used as some sort of prerequisite test of Christianity. 

In my face-to-face life, I usually don't talk about politics with people I'm not close to, unless asked -- but living in Kentucky, I am asked, more than you'd think.

There are a plethora of reasons I don't support Trump and haven't since the beginning, but when asked from a Christian perspective, trying to boil it down to one sentence, my reply typically goes like this ...

"He's too greedy and selfish -  and I think his support for Christianity is insincere. In fact, I think he's using Christians just as much as the wrong kind of Christians are using him."

 

That is usually met with silence.

Not because they don't have a reply, but just because they usually haven't thought about it and need processing time.

Then there is the exception where some know full well what kind of man Trump is, but call him the "imperfect messenger" as justification excuse for using him to push their agenda and vice versa.

If they do push back, I will say ....

"Neither God nor Christ would ever appeal to your fear, hatred, greed, and selfishness to gain control."

There is typically nothing they can say after that -  then I change the subject 😂

One person pushed further and said "But ... but ... sometimes God gets tough."

I say ...

"Sure - but we need to be sure we're not confusing what God or Christ would do versus what we think should be done, in his name. Are you sure? 

"I'm not, I can't speak for God. However, what I can see for myself is nearly everything Trump says and does is the opposite of what Christ said and did scripturally."

*Crickets.*

I doubt I've changed anyone's mind, but they had to think about it for a second, anyway 😂

In short, what's missing from Trump and Christian Nationalists is -  the compassion, mercy, and love of Christ.

What About The Love? - Amy Grant (written by Janis Ian)

I went to see my sister
She was staying with a friend
Who had turned into a preacher
To save the world from sin

He said, "First deny your body
And then learn to submit
Pray to be made worthy
And tithe your ten percent"


I said, "Is this all there is
Just the letter of the law?"
Something's wrong


I went to see my brother
On the 32nd floor
Of a building down on Wall Street
You could hear the future's roar


He said, "Here we make decisions
And we trade commodities
If you tell me where there's famine
I can make you guarantees"


I said, "Is this all there is
Power to the strong?"
Something's wrong


Something's wrong in heaven tonight
You can almost hear them cry
Angels to the left and the right
Saying, "What about the love?
What about the love?
What about the love?"


I went to see my neighbor
He'd been taken to a home
For the weak and the discarded
Who have no place to go


He said, "Here I lack for nothing
I am fed and I am clothed
But at times I miss the freedom
I used to know"


I said, "Is this all there is
When your usefulness is gone?"
Something's wrong


Something's wrong in heaven tonight (Something's wrong)
You can almost hear them cry (Cry)
Angels to the left and the right
Saying, "What about the love?
What about the love?
What about the love?"


I looked into the mirror, (Yeah)
Proud as I could be, (Yeah)
And I saw my pointing finger (Yeah)
Pointing back at me,

Saying, "Who named you accuser? (Yeah)
Who gave you the scales?" (Yeah)
I hung my head in sorrow; (Yeah)
I could almost feel the nails


I said, "This is how it is
To be crucified and judged
Without love"


Something's wrong in heaven tonight (Something's wrong)
You can almost hear them cry(Cry)
Angels to the left and the right
Saying, "What about the love?
What about the love?
What about the love of God?"


Something's wrong in heaven tonight. (Something's wrong)
You can almost hear them cry (Cry)
Angels to the left and the right,
Saying, "What about the love?"
What about the love?
What about the love of God?"

Speaking of Firsts ...

 

Wow, what an election night!

New York City has its first Indian, Shia Muslim and Hindu mayor, Zohran Mamdani (D). He  is also a legal immigrant.

Virginia has its first female governor,  Abigail Spanberger (moderate D), flipping the state back to blue.

Detroit has its first female mayor, Mary Sheffield (D) - who is also a person of color..*

Cincinnati has its first Indian/Asian-American mayor, Aftab Pureval (D) - his personal faith is unknown, but his father is Hindu and his mother is Tibetan Buddhist*

* The NYT has the last two listed as "nonpartisan" and I'm not sure why. They were/are Democrats.

Lots of speculation as to why, which I'm sure will be analyzed further, but for now, I think here's what we can safely say is fact ...

1) When Trump himself is not on the ballot, Democrats fare better.

2) Despite the push to remove DEI policies from government institutions and businesses, the people have spoken - and they don't care about what gender, skin color, ethnicity, or religion a candidate is, they just want the best candidate and change.  

*But don't get it twisted - this should NOT be confused with voting for them because of their gender, race, ethnicity, or faith.*

I suppose something might be said for the fact that the cost of living keeps increasing, which Trump supporters hoped would change under Trump (Really? Despite his personal greediness and selfishness?)

Or disliking authoritarian-dictator-style leadership, whether it comes from the right (fascist) or the left (communist).

But we have to delve into that more to see before we can pronounce it fact.

Otherwise, I have nothing to say about California redistricting (gerrymandering). I mean, I know it's in response to the mass Republican gerrymandering going on elsewhere, but I don't dig gerrymandering in general, and I think this is stooping to their level.

Regardless, you feel us, Trump?

The people themselves have spoken.

We won't be silenced. We just get louder. 😊 

RIP, Martha Layne Collins, Kentucky's First (And Only) Female Governor ...

*Edited, content added

...  passed yesterday at the age of 88 in her sleep - literally just down the street from me at Richmond Place Assisted-Living/Skilled Nursing Facility.

Can you believe a Democrat woman was governor of our State of Kentucky in the 1980s? 

That she was only the 3rd female governor in history in the United States at that time (1983 to 1987)? 

That she - a female Democrat governor - was responsible for bringing the Georgetown Toyota plant and thousands of jobs to our state. which was faltering economically due to decline in the coal business, essentially saving us? 

Not only that, but the Japanese company, Toyota, was historically male-only and family led, at the time.

How did she do it?

By working with landowners in Georgetown to a deal they all agreed upon, offering discounts and tax incentives, and giving Toyota a huge deal on land purchase, knowing it would pay off in the long run.

But other states "courting" Toyota did this, too, so why her, why Kentucky?

Because her diplomacy skills are legendary.

She studied, observed, and respected their customs rather than expecting them to assimilate to ours.

Toyota's assembly-line manufacturing process is well known to be the most efficient in the world, also resulting in the highest quality for mass-produced vehicles.

You don't mess with that proven model, you follow it. You get over your American superiority and invincibility complex and adopt their process - not vice versa.

She also was very warm and welcoming, making people feel like honored guests, anticipating their every whim, before they asked.

In fact, anticipating needs and diplomacy is one area where women may actually have a socialized advantage over men (of course, not ALL women or ALL men 😉)

But she could be tough when she needed to be, too - she could say no. She just did it with a sweet Southern accent and a smile on her face 😂

Republicans - in awe of what she accomplished - tried to find something illegal in what she did (despite the fact that this is exactly what they would do, still do, and way worse/illegal - Trump?) - and actually tried to take her to court over the deals she made in Georgetown, as well as congressional inquiry into her spending on Toyota's visits - but nothing she did was illegal - so she won!

She knew it would pay off for everyone - and it did. 😊

Not only is Toyota itself the biggest moneymaker in the state now, but there are several "tier-1" pipeline supplier companies for specific parts that popped up alll around it, also making money and providing jobs. 

Also, as a former teacher, she pushed the state for more funding for educational reform and higher teacher salaries and better benefits -  and received it!

And she would have won again, had Kentucky allowed 2 terms for governors at that time (which we do now). 

She also fixed/leveled out what was formerly known as "death hill" - the curved hill of I-75 that led down to the Ohio River on the Kentucky side, just before reaching the bridges to Cincinnati. 

It's still curved and a little steep - it has to be somewhat to get down and across the river -  but it used to be super steep - so people would speed down that hill and around that curve, and go right off that cliff to the right!

In fact, I remember as a kid, my older sister and I would hold our hands up like it was a roller coaster, coming back home to Cincy from our grandparents, because it was sort of fun, but also scary! 😂

(And this was at a time when the speed limit was lower, only 55. Now that it's higher, even though the hill has been leveled out, it is still called "death hill" because the speed increase has again raised the number of accidents there.)

Now - on the negative side, her husband - a dentist - made some crooked "pay-to-play" business dealings with contractors, essentially misleading them to believe they had his wife's blessing and would be paid by the state in exchange for political backing, which did not happen. 

Martha was neither implicated nor charged, and it is unclear if she knew, but I understand why people would think she did - plus she stayed married to him. 

But as far as Martha herself, there is big difference in offering huge discounts to secure business that will be a win-win for everybody in the future versus pay-to-play schemes (which have unfortunately become commonplace in today's politics).

Regardless, she became very quiet politically after leaving office, focusing on educational improvements. 

Personally, I never heard a bad word about Martha Layne Collins from either Democrats OR Republicans.

I heard grumbling before she took office - the usual-subject misogynists - but not afterwards.

Because she brought Toyota and thousands of new jobs to our state - period - a feat even supposedly business-minded Republican men before and after her couldn't accomplish. 

In fact, no man from either party accomplished such a feat before or since, with the next closest being our current governor, (D) Andy Beshear, bringing SV automotive electric battery manufacturing here a couple of years ago.

 Even "never-a-woman-in-charge" type of men had to admit she was exceptional - of course, considering her an "exception to the rule" stereotype of women - but at least it was a start? 😂

Only to be later undone in the Trump era. 😏

Speaking of, in a time where we have returned to maligning women, Democrats, and anyone else who isn't a white-male Christian - the definition of Christianity and morality once again reverting again back to being almost exclusively reproductive/gender standards VS Christ's definition - her death and legacy should remind us of what is possible again.

She is testament to what the right candidate can accomplish on behalf of those they govern - regardless of gender, race, religion, or political party - either those of the candidate or those they govern. 

Because a good leader can and should lead everyone - work for the common good for all and strive towards unity. 

Put that in your tacky faux-gold pipe and smoke it, Trump!

Happy Halloween!

 

Do your best Thriller zombie dance!

NYC Halloween Parade Thriller Street Dance from 2024 ... 

I'm not sure, but I think they do it in different parts of Manhattan and all the burroughs throughout the evening? This one was at 51st street last year.

Lexington used to do this before COVID, but of course not as big as the original NYC street Thriller dance, which has been back for a couple of years.  

Anyone can be a part of this dance, as long as you sign up with a costume and show up for the rehearsals (but they do put their best dancers out front).  

Fun, right? 

Put that on my bucket list - I wanna do it in NYC!

Just for a bonus, I've seen a few of these NYC Halloween Decoration walking-tour videos this year, and apparently the Upper East Side is the best? 

I love the blue/purple one ...

Yep, you can tell all the best artists live in NYC (wealthy ones)!

 

 Happy Halloween!

Not My Best Work Ever, But ...

 ... I guess it'll do lol. This year, I just used materials from the years before to save money for the holidays 😉😊

That Dog Across the Way ...

 

So ... there's this dog that apparently lives across Richmond Road that when he gets going, he barks for literally hours.

If you lived here, you would know what a feat that is, to still be able to hear him across Richmond Road a quarter of a mile away,, with the windows closed, despite all the traffic on Richmond Road, which is a main thoroughfare road in Lexington and a direct link to I-75.

If it's this loud here - I can't even imagine how loud he is as a neighbor.

But what can you do, if you own the dog, I guess?

Ziggy has a loud bark himself, for a pug, and when he sees someone he knows/likes, his bark can sound aggressive, but it's really just excitement - and when they get close, he just kisses them to death! 😂

But this dog, I mean, it's like hours, it goes on.

Now, when Ziggy hears him, he stands on his hind legs with his paws up on the window, barking and howling back, like a mad dog.

Then he runs to me, as if he wants something, then to Mark, pleading for something, I don't know what. 

Maybe he wants him to shut up, too?

I guess he could be concerned or wanting to play, but he's more amped, almost like:

"Dad? That dog 'cross the way is talking shit again. I'monna have to over beat his ass. can I?' 😂

And then if we don't take him outside to let him howl and bark back properly, then  he gets his toys that look like dogs and vigorously shakes them.

'Atta boy, Buddy, you tell him, "Cut that shit out!'"  😂

Oddities About This NBA Betting Investigation ...

 

Now, I'm not a total idiot - I know that betting on sports can and does affect sports outcomes - and it's not just basketball. 

This has gone on for years in the top 3 sports, with Pete Rose famously going down because of it in baseball, for betting on games himself and profiting from betting, meanly he likely threw games himself.

There also were allegations of steroid use and sexual assault - again, not a new problem nor exclusively a basketball problem.

Thus, in this particular situation, a few oddities stand out to me:

1)   Betting and "throwing games" happens in football and baseball, too - why just basketball?

 

2)  As we know, the DOJ and FBI investigating this have weeded out any non-Trump supporters in their ranks, and they are heavily focused on trying to find ways to prosecute Trump critics.

 

2)  Why ignore organized crime/mafia, heavily involved in sports betting/cheating, especially in Vegas - who largely support Trump?

 

3) Why only investigate and charge black people - who largely do NOT support Trump?

 

5)  If  Trump's DOJ and FBI care so much about cheating, why pardon convicted fraudster, George Santos, and worse -  convicted fraudster and money-launderer, billionaire Binance crypto money founder Changpeng Zhao - who not only defrauded retirees out of money, but had proven money-laundering transactions with Hamas - and also with whom Trump had business dealings in the past and planned future?  

(FYI - Zhao and Binance also financed Elon Musk's purchase of Twitter. )

Why this issue, why now?

Why pardon fraudsters and money launderers, ignoring chronic fraudsters, cheaters, and money-launderers like the mafia/organized crime, and why only basketball and people of color?

Now, I would say it's racist - and it is racist - and worse. 

(Trump -  like other racists and narcissists -  is okay with people of color if they support him/kiss his butt and "know their place." )

The "worse" is ...  y'all understand how organized crime/the mafia works, right?

They're predatory - they want their under-the-table cut from every smaller business in their purview beneath them, public or private, offering their mandatory "protection" - or else - it is you who will need protecting from them.

So considering all of the above, especially the pardons... is this really about cheating and criminality?

Or is this - and other criminalities he ignores and pardons - more about Trump (and his organized-crime supporters) not getting his/their private financial cut and punishing people who don't support him politically, won't play ball?

(Pardon the pun.)

We shall see ...