I don't have much time before work, but the NYT just reported that Robert Redford died and I literally gasped.
I had tremendous respect for this man, not just as an actor, but for his political, environmental, and animal rights activism, his creation of the Sundance Film Festival (and the Sundance channel) to feature indie movies so that new talent to be heard and seen in film - and the way he lived his life - like an old rancher out West.
As for his acting, he could play the Ken he looked like. He could play a cold or warm character. He could play it tough and scary or soft and romantic. He had that rare combination of tough and tender.
Who can forget that final scene in The Way We Were, when Kate (Barbra Streisand) and Hubbell (Robert Redford) have a chance meeting in NYC, and she brushes his hair out of his face out of old habit, and he softly takes her hand, in fond memories - the way he looks at her, the way they look at each other, in a final goodbye?
This still image doesn't do it justice.
His look said:
"Our lives are so different, we never could have been, but I will always remember the way we were. Thank you."
And hers is the same, both knowing they will likely never see each other again.
And less seriously and importantly - at least in my mind, Robert Redford and Paul Newman are still, to date, two of the most ruggedly handsome/sexiest movie stars of all time!
I called my husband and said "Here we go - Putin time, Kirk's death is getting used to try to silence the opposition. Trump's gonna use this just to harass his political opponents out of spite."
And that, of course, would be just a stone's throw away from ICE-like raids on people's homes - NOT because they're actually domestic terrorists or planning assassinations, of course - just to harass them.
And not just politically motivated - I can see people calling and reporting people they don't like, just to harass them - exhusbands and exwives, neighbors arguing over property, kids playing pranks, etc.
Again - I think what happened to Charlie Kirk is very sad, but I also fear it's going to be used as an excuse to silence the opposition - not just radical groups, but any opposition under the guises of preventing political violence.
Okay, so ... though political violence is becoming more common, in the past 50 years, who has been responsible for domestic terrorism?
Well, of course, the most famous one in all our minds is the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995, which was, of course, performed by an anti-government militia - political far right.
The storming of the Capitol building, January 6, 2020 - which I DO consider domestic terrorism - political right.
But let's not just go with our memories, let's look at facts.
Though the report was focused on social media as a form of communication between groups, it also references reports on Domestic Terrorism from the FBI, DOJ, and DHS, as well as the US Government Accountability Office (Congressional Committee).
The United States Government Accountability Office reported thatsince 9/11, 73% of all domestic terrorism acts have been committed by the political far right.
"Political far right" is comprised of those who self-identify politically right, to include anti-government militia, white supremacists, and anti-abortionists.
The Department of Homeland Security reported in 2020 that White Supremacists posed the top domestic terrorism threat.
The remaining threats come from a mix of ecoterrorists (left), animal rights activists (mixed), and radical Islamic groups (which are actually far right conservatives in the Islam faith).
Now, let's define Free Speech Vs. Hate Speech.
The constitution does not specifically define hate speech, it simply protects freedom of speech from government regulation - including speech that is distasteful or offensive.
HOWEVER - the Supreme Court has previously ruled that the following speech is NOT protected under the constitution:
1) Direct threats and harassment.
2) Incites imminent lawless actions or bodily harm.
3) "Fighting words" - words that intentionally incite or provoke violence - towards others or yourself.
Therefore, technically, if you go out and stir people into fear or panic and violence and encourage them to take action or intentionally cause a riot, you are not protected constitutionally. (Cough, cough, January 6th).
Also, though you might be protected legally by the constitution if you go around on tour and say a bunch of false accusatory, inflammatory stuff about race, gender, or your political opposition, you also might not be protected - because your words could be construed as "fighting words" legally.
Thus, you may be legally protected or you might not be - so if you're going to tour around making a bunch of inflammatory stuff , then providing your own security detail might be something you want to consider?
Now by saying that, please understand - I am NOT saying Charlie Kirk "brought this on himself."
I actually was very sad this misguided young man had to die over Trump, as I initially wrote, and he had every right to say whatever he wants to say under the First Amendment.
However, we're also NOT going to pretend he didn't say a bunch of false-accusatory and inflammatory stuff about race, gender, non-Christian faiths, and Democrats.
Are the kinds of things Charlie Kirk said legally considered "fighting words?"
I don't know.
I'm just saying whether you're protected by the constitution or not, if you're saying inflammatory stuff - and you're NOT the President of the United States with a secret service team - might I suggest that you invest in having security detail?
Because if you don't, some nut might try to take you out.
Regardless, political violence is on the rise, and though not equal - far right domestic terrorism still accounting for well over 70% of violent acts in America - to make this about one political side or the other won't solve the problem.
You know what will?
Making it harder for those so inclined to commit political violence, regardless of political side, like ... I dunno, banning assault rifles?
So after talking to that intake coordinator that I mentioned a few posts ago, unfortunately, there were only a few therapists available in my state, and they were booked up for 2 months.
I'm totally fine with seeing a therapist out of state, even would prefer that, because Kentucky isn't exactly a mecca of up-to-date mental health professionals, but apparently, that's not how these services work lol.
So I used another one, a bigger platform, and I really like her! Very smart, very funny, very knowledgeable.
She recommended this book and it just arrived ...
I asked her something like .....
"Is this one of those books where you feel like you're drowning in symptoms, but all the doctor does is describe the temperature of the water and what it feels like to drown, without providing any actionable tools to help you get yourself out? Because I've read all those"😂
She answered honestly, something like:
"Hahaha! Eh, there is some of that that, but there are some tools that are helpful. The main reason I want you to read it is you're a reader and also work in healthcare, so I want you to fully understand the science behind what's going on with your body, why you feel like it's betraying you, when it thinks it's helping you."
"But the best part is, we have science to prove you're NOT permanently damaged because of the brain's neuroplasticity - you CAN retrain your brain at any age to use different pathways."
"This neural pathway you've created - this pattern you've developed of running and hiding, giving overly competitive, sometimes even aggressive people exactly what they want - believing you'll lose if you fight back/compete because you did before - worked for you and was appropriate to survive your family and your exhusband."
"However, in everyday life, running and hiding, giving overly competitive or even aggressive people what they want, is actually working against your survival financially."
Fair enough.
I knew a little bit about the neural pathways formed during trauma that were developed to keep you safe but don't really work in the everyday world, but that there is neuroplasticity, proving you can create new ones - but I could learn more, for sure.
Now, in reading criticism of the book, some trauma researchers have felt that though a better perspective on trauma than in years past, there is still too much "victim-blaming" - too much focus on what the victim could have done/should do differently, and not enough focus on what society should do about their aggressors inflicting much trauma on others.
I get both sides of that argument.
When I first entered therapy in my early 20s in the late 80s, that was the focus - what percentage of responsibility I carried in my own abuse - what choices I made to get myself into the situation - what I could do differently to avoid this again and not bring this on myself.
Because I already believed I was the problem, I came away after 5 years in therapy, blaming myself actually more than I already did, so I actually felt worse, in a way.
But in another way, I felt falsely empowered - if I just practiced and used this stuff, made different choices, had good boundaries, communicated differently, my life would go better and this would never happen to me ever again.
BZZZZ ... wrong ... oh, if only it were that simple.
Though taking responsibility is an important part of therapy - as well as learning better communication approaches, making better choices and having better boundaries - if overly focused on, it implies that you have control over/are responsible for the behavior choices others make towards you, when the truth is - you're not that powerful.
It implies that had you just done A, B, and C, it all works like some sort of secret magic combination lock, so this would never have happened to you, when we don't know that.
Sometimes even if we say and do, A, B, and C according to textbook therapy/better communication, try to diffuse situations or conversely, set boundaries, people still are who they are and do what they do - and your efforts at "boundaries" now only pisses aggressive people off more.
A hypothetical/metaphorical situation to illustrate my point - although granted, most problems aren't so so clear cut.
There is often percentage of responsibility to be taken. Sometime it's 50/50, sometimes it's 80/20, and sometimes, it's 100% someone else at fault.
Let's say you left your wallet in the car and forgot to lock it, either feeling overly safe in your neighborhood or momentary distraction - and it was stolen
You could say: "Well, if I'd locked my car, they wouldn't have stolen my wallet. This is all my fault."
No, it isn't.
Yeah, you could've done things differently to protect yourself - but the thief is still a thief regardless of what you did or didn't do.
Sure, you can learn to make better choices and protect yourself, but would that prevent a thief from being a thief or actually protect you?
Maybe for a minute longer, in some cases.
For example, a couple of years ago, we had car break-ins in the neighborhood, where some cars were unlocked, others weren't.
They stole from the cars either way, locked or unlocked - but actually smashed the windows of the cars that were unlocked.
Am I saying you shouldn't lock your car then and it's okay to leave valuable stuff in your car?
Of course not.
I'm saying people want what they want - and some people will resort to aggression to get it, no matter what "better communication" or "boundaries" you put up to protect yourself.
And with those types, they have absolutely no interest in resoving things with you or parsing out who takes responsibilty for what - and if they can get you to blame yourself entirely, even better.
They want they want, and you can just eff off - either give them what they want or stay out of their way 😂
Overly competitive, aggressive people - even bullies - are still who they are, regardless of what you do or don't do.
(And let's face it, those types are running amuck, right now, without sanction or sentence; in fact, even rewarded for this behavior.)
Unfortunately, it's misinterpreted as "strength," when all it really proves is that we, as humans, are in fact still just a bunch of clever chimps 😂 But why we still go to therapy is to learn what you CAN do differently because that's all you CAN control, and it can be empowering; HOWEVER, that does NOT mean you can prevent other people from doing what they do.
So my goal in reading this book to help understand better what is going on with my body and the neural pathways I've created to deal with trauma triggers, recognizing that neuroplasticity exists and I can change the pathways - and that's what I will be working on in therapy.
That does NOT mean we get to blame me or my PTSD as an overreactive, weak freak for everything, that there wasn't a real "thief in my car," so to speak, or that I will never in my life run across another "thief" in my lifetime, regardless of what I do or don't do.
It means I've been metaphorically "stolen" from before and this person's behavior was genuinely similar enough to that original "thief "to take my body back decades - period.
And actually, on the plus side, it can sometimes even mean that because of my PTSD hypervigilance, I will notice a "thief" in the room before others.
Whether or not this person is or is not that metaphorical "thief" remains to be seen - it requires more evidence.
So for now, I just learn to protect myself better, thank my brain and body for trying to tell me something, rather than shaming myself for it, and observe the situation withholding judgment, neither fight nor flight.
I recently watched the documentary "9/11: One Day in America" by National Geographic, which gives accounts from people who were there - people who escaped, 1st responders on the scene, press on the scene, air traffic controllers, and the military.
No political spin, no conspiracy theories - just verified, legitimate personal stories from those who were actually there.
I highly recommend it.
I do need to warn you, though, it's heavy, with some disturbing parts - especially the part about the 1st responders watching the "jumpers" or "fallers" land all around them, one of them surviving for a few minutes and actually speaking to the 1st responders.
Note that I am careful to use both terms, "jumpers" and "fallers," since it is now believed that some jumped and some actually just fell, unable to see through the thick, black smoke.
Also, we are careful because some need to believe loved ones didn't jump, due to their strong religious beliefs regarding suicide being an unforgiveable sin.
I personally would like to believe if I were in a situation where I had to choose how I was going to die between fire and jumping, God wouldn't hold either choice against me?
But there are also good stories - former strangers who developed lifelong friendships, strong bonds, and support systems as a result of feeling they saved each other's lives.
But today is not about how it affected me or my family, watching from far away.
Today is about those who lost their lives and those who were there.
Thus, radio silence for the day out of respect for thousands of innocent civilians who lost their lives or loved ones, and/or who were otherwise forever affected by this trauma.
From Epstein's estate and his 50th birthday book ...
A hand-drawn doodle, on a convicted pedophile/human-trafficker's birthday album, of what appears to be a not-fully-developed/pubescent young female, talking about secrets, with Trump's distinctive signature on it?
- OR -
This photo of a large "joke" check made out to the aforementioned convicted human trafficker for a woman, taken at Mar-A-Lago?
Neither - because he's a White Republican "Christian" (cough, cough) and thus above reproach!
*sarcasm*
By the way, Trump says he tried to warn Qatar - who gifted him a $400K jet - of the Israel attack yesterday.
So if he really did, wouldn't that make him "antisemitic" then, by his/his party's own definition?
I mean, he had ICE round up and deport anyone protesting Israel's actions and universities have lost funding for it - why is he immune from his own policy?
Oh, that's right - because he's God's messenger!
*again, sarcasm*
_________________________________
PS
I need to add here that as I've said many times, I side with neither Israel or Palestine - or more accurately, I side with both.
This is a centuries-old conflict over a region both faiths consider their holy land - even the bible itself says they will fight forever over Abraham's mistake.
Whether you believe that or not, this is not our war; thus, if we are asked to intervene, then let it be on the side of mediation - NOT war.
I understand diplomacy is important here because of oil rights, but then let's be diplomatic rather than fan flames, shall we?
Also, criticism of actions taken by Israel's current government or its leaders does NOT make you antisemitic.
Hating and fearing Jewish people as a race makes you antisemitic.
Unfortunately, as we know, we Americans have always tended to be self-centered and ethnocentric when it comes to news - but with Trump especially, he keeps the focus on him, 24/7.
Everything's an emergency with him!
When will people stop listening to this little boy who cried wolf - when there is an actual wolf?
(For that, perhaps a quick look in the mirror would do the trick.)
Being aware of this, in addition to reading the NYT and WaPo, I also watch/read the BBC, who lets us know what else is going on in the world, because it's not all about us.
So when this popped up in my feed, I watched it, to see how many of these stories I missed.
I'm sorry to say, but I only knew about 3/10 - Russia stealing or destroying priceless historical artifacts in the Ukraine, Travis Decker, and the John Nigh prison escape - and note that those last 2 happened in the U.S.
How many did YOU know about?
I have to say, Mark and I rolled our eyes at each other after the French cop spoke, talking about the French thrown-grenade situation.
Because he attributed it to local drug rings, a known problem in that region, but blamed every other country in the world and foreigners for bringing it there.
Dohkay, dude.
We all know that France - like the U.S. - has been at the epicenter of global distribution for years, of both drug-trafficking and human trafficking.
It's not like people from those poorer countries came in, put a gun to the French distributors' heads and said "Go forth and distribute drugs and young girls to all the nations," now did they?
I mean, I know that does happen to poor people, forced to distribute or else, but with major French drug distributors, I'd bet all the money in my bank account, that did not happen.
If anything, it was more likely the other way around - French distributors went looking for suppliers from poorer countries, as well as poor people and immigrants as street dealers.
So who does this cop think he's kidding - himself?
And if all of these countries get so nationalistic and isolationist, blaming other countries in deflection off their own guilt, refusing to take responsibility, nothing will ever get solved and we will be at war with everyone, all the time.
Speaking of which, Trump wanting to rename the Department of Defense to the Department of War - - isn't that fun and catchy?
(Actually, if that didn't run a cold chill down your spine about Trump and dictatorship, not sure what will.)
It doesn't matter what country someone is from or their ethnicity, what skin color, their sexual orientation, or what their religion is - there are a few bad-apple a-holes in every bunch, including our own - and the last story is a prime example of bad apples and good apples existing in the same demographic.
So I'd heard about Travis Decker killing his 3 young daughters to hurt his ex-wife and still being on the run, and it's incredibly disturbing.
But even more disturbing is the story of Sam Nordquist, whom I never even heard about until now - and it's in my own country!
This is Sam Nordquist, a 24-year-old transgendered man murdered in a bizarre bait, trap, torture and kill scheme.
Every time I look at his sweet smile and face, I tear up.
So this quiet transgendered young man from a rural Minnesota community, thought he'd found love on TikTok.
He went to meet his online girlfriend in upstate New York, but found himself in a catfish situation, chained and held captive for over a month, tortured, raped with objects, beaten, forced to drink urine and eat feces, and had bleach poured upon his wounds by that "girlfriend" and 6 other psychopaths - and then succumbed to his injuries and died.
And the worst part?
His "girlfriend" (top left) forced her 2 children, ages 7 and 10, to torture him as well.
(The children were actually the ones to explain the types of wounds and substances found both on and inside Sam's body.)
I just started crying the moment I read it, for both those children and Sam himself.
The good news is, the children have been immediately removed and are receiving much care.
Sam wasn't so lucky.
It just broke my heart.
In fact, I tear up every time I think about it, the last month of his life - naively thinking he'd found love and acceptance, only to find out it was all a lie, held captive, raped, beaten, tortured, and killed.
I don't care what you believe about LGBTQ, no human being deserves that - no one.
Now - people have been up in arms, asking why this wasn't a hate crime.
The answer is, the perpetrators identify as LGBTQ themselves - and this wasn't done because of his gender identification.
This was your basic kidnap, torture-and-kill-for-fun scenario, committed by a small group of proven psychopaths by criminal histories, which include child pornography and animal cruelty - and the gender identity or sexual orientation of neither the victim nor the perpetrators had a thing to do with it.
So I get why it's not being treated as a hate crime, then, actually.
Because to make this about gender identity and sexual orientation is actually then a disservice to the LGBTQ community and their overall representation.
Like I said, bad apples and good apples in the same demographic group - any and all demographic group you can think of.
.
HOWEVER, having said that, the fact that this, one of the most heinous crimes I've heard of in recent times, somehow escaped my news feed entirely.
As that clip - and this post - are about other news we missed this past year, while Trump pulls his latest "emergency" stunt.
I did hear briefly about some of the other news, especially American, in this video, I never heard of Sam Nordquist.
And why IS that?
Because the political right are busy demonizing the entire LGBTQ community without exception.
Because my own political left didn't want to advertise that LGBTQ themselves were involved in the crime.
And both sides were too busy talking about Trump.
Thus, this absolutely heinous crime was largely ignored by press on both political sides because it didn't perfectly fit either political narrative.
And poor, poor sweet soul, Sam, trapped in the middle as far as justice - quite literally.
I hope you are at peace now xo
_________________________
PS - This is why you take someone with you to meet online people, and in a public place.
This is also why we should be wary of little friends groups who are only friends on the internet. Cops will tell you themselves that the internet is a haven for criminals and psychos to find each other lol.
The prior situation mentioned has been resolved. (I hope.)
Thus, I have parked some posts in draft - NOT because I'm hiding anything, but because I didn't want to make the situation worse.
(For the record, I have a tracker, which I've had since the early days of blogging because of an ex. Not a super detailed one with IP addresses and exact locations like I used to have, just general information about the state and country you're viewing from, unless you're using a proxy.)
Regardless, this post is about my reaction to it - what I can do better and can control versus what I can't, about the situation.
As mentioned, someone I have only known for a few months, and that I have had only peripheral interactions with, called me up and tore into me, over something I said, for which there was honestly no ill intention -and then pointed out to me that there was no proof of what they said and I wouldn't be believed versus them.
This is my 2nd biggest fear in life, not being believed if something happens - and I thought I'd never hear anyone say anything close to "there's no proof I did this, you won't be believed" ever again.
Now that's it's been few days, I can see more clearly that those words are only spoken by a person who consciously knows what they're doing is wrong and trying to hide it.
It shocked me - because I genuinely thought nothing but positive about this person, and had you asked me before that call, I wouldn't have ever dreamed she was even capable.
(I noticed a couple of things in hindsight that I didn't think much of at the time, of course, like ya do.)
Regardless, though I sincerely had no ill intent, I apologized profusely for having hurt/upset her - but the tirade didn't stop.
Thus, that particular wording took me directly into a full blown PTSD fight-or-flight "It's all happening again" panic,and other places I don't need to go in my head.
So I just politely excused myself from the phone rather than even try to get in any more than the apology.
I didn't realize I was physically shaking until about 5 minutes later, and felt like a weak loser for it.
Because it instantly rocked me back 20 years ago to my ex-husband, but more importantly, to my childhood - the only other times someone has literally said "there's no proof and no one will believe you."
Then I went into full PTSD fight-or-flight mode, wanting to flee - because when I tried to fight back with my mom or my exhusband decades ago, they were right - I wasn't believed.
I also knew that they were right, I had no proof.
I decided that this time, I wasn't gonna "fight" OR "flee" - I'd simply quietly say something, admitting I had no proof and thus didn't want a huge investigation and a bunch of drama and wait and see what happened, rather than run.
At that point, she did admit that she called me "upset" - not the scary stuff she said.
(She didn't have much choice - the only proof I did have were 2 calls from her, none to her.)
It was somewhat validating to learn that even after she explained what upset her, no one fully understood why she was THAT upset, even if I HAD meant it the way she thought.
This includes the person who heard what I said - who also didn't take it like she did - and this person genuinely likes both of us, is very fair, and tries to see everyone's perspective.
Like I said, I apologized the moment she called me - NOT because I meant it at all like she said, quite the contrary - but because I genuinely felt badly for hurting or upsetting her.
When questioned, she admitted calling me "upset," but not the content - and there was no apology.
I think that speaks volumes about the truth.
However, I let it go at that point because I knew there was no proof - adding that I would be recording my calls from now on and that if anything ever happened again, I would take it further.
So I did all the stuff I learned in therapy - mindfulness, grounding, waiting for evidence that it's all going to turn out like it did before/happening again, rather than just being triggered because someone or something in the situation is genuinely similar.
And yet those words said to me rocked me so hard, so powerfully, the usual coping/therapeutic stuff wasn't working.
I went to the "floaty place" since and still am - that stare place where everything seems surreal, you feel disconnected, like you're watching a movie, like it can't really be happening, asking yourself: "Did that really just happen? No, it couldn't have!"
I mean, I'm present, oriented, and I'm aware of everything that's going on, I'm responding appropriately, it just feels like a dream.
For people who don't have PTSD, the closest I can describe is that sort of surreal place you go when someone you're close to dies - the first few days, including the funeral?
The best depiction of actual PTSD detachment that I've ever seen in film is inSaving Private Ryan - when Tom Hanks is leaning against the tank, the sounds gets muffled around him and the lens makes things look really far away rather than close, and though he's bleeding, he can't feel it - he just has this "WTF" look on his face?
And when a soldier finds him and is talking to him, it doesn't make sense to him and he can't really hear them, he's floating - not because he's dying, he doesn't even feel his injuries - because he's in PTSD shock.
THAT is the "floaty place" of PTSD - which you will experience again after the initial trauma, when met with a trigger similar enough to the original trauma.
.
I'm told that's actually healthy, it's the brain trying to protect you from insanity or chaos - sometimes misplaced later with PTSD triggers.
My husband can tell, because I get the infamous "1,000-yard stare" - even though I'm looking directly at him and responding appropriately, albeit more slowly. I can still function, I'm just detached.
A couple of times, I've actually gone nonverbal for a few hours, literally can't speak if I tried - but it's literally been a decade since that happened, and didn't happen this time, thank God.
What usually works to pull me out of "the floaty place" are grounding exercises, tactile stimulation, like.
1. Pet my pug...
2. Hold ice.
3. Hold a warm cup of tea.
4. Feel the texture of something soft or even with uneven texture.
5. Hold my husband's hand, while he softly tells me"You're safe now. I'm here. I'm sorry you are reexperiencing this, but I'm here with you. I got you. I'm right here, when you feel safe enough."
Anything I can touch to remind me of where I am now versus the original trauma.
And the nightmares are back, gone since 2022.
As are the thoughts like ... "You are the common denominator so you are the problem"and"you are damaged beyond repair, you're 56 and still suck at life, you're burden to Mark "and "You are trapped in this with no way out and no one will believe you, like she said. Run now."
Now, I need to say that prior to this call, I have felt the happiest and safest I have ever felt in my life.
So once you think you've beaten PTSD, it's an extra kick in the teeth when you discover you haven't - because you've run into someone that intentionally wants you to feel unsafe and get out of their way, and you go right back there, even if it's been decades.
My therapist retired 3 years ago and I was feeling I didn't really need it anymore, I had healed much.
However, I decided to return to therapy over this situation because none of the things I usually do to deal with triggers were working - because I was facing one of my 2 biggest fears/triggers.
So I called the service and told the intake therapist the kind of thoughts I was having again and hadn't for while - I was the common denominator, it must be something I couldn't see and my prior therapist couldn't see, and I'm too old now to fix it, yada, yada, yada.
But this person essentially said something that immediately brought things into laser sharp focus:
Intake Coordinator:"So, just gonna throw this out there, but do you have a bipolar parent?
WHAM.
Me: "OMG, YES ... bipolar I, schizoaffective disorder and mixed "Cluster-B" personality disorder. How did you know that?!?"
"My mother, who was briefly a psychiatric nurse, at the time, when I was a teenager. She went to desperate, abusive lengths to cover it up and blame other people, especially anyone that witnessed an episode."
" I was the first child to realize not all of her behavior could be explained by trauma from my Dad, who really did abuse her."
Intake Coordinator:"Yep. I asked because I can hear the therapy in you, trying to validate your own perception, but I also hear the attacked child, apologizing repeatedly for some slight infraction, real or imagined, from a parent who won't stop even after an apology. The child doesn't realize the parent CAN'T stop."
"And for the record, I believe you - you're triggered, yes, but it's valid and would've freaked anyone out. But you behaved like that overly scolded child of a bipolar mother because this person at least temporarily genuinely was behaving like one. Whether she is or isn't doesn't matter - what matters is, you gotta learn to do when people act out of proportion to the situation, right?
"Now - do you think she's sitting there asking herself what's wrong with her or what she could do differently? Did your mother? No - the only apologies uttered were from YOU - so I doubt it. She likely still sees herself as the victim."
WHAM again.
She continued ...
"Yes, you're the common denominator - that doesn't make you "the problem." The problem is, you react very strongly to people at least temporarily exhibiting bipolar and/or personality disorder traits. It sends you flying, into fight or flight mode, because of your history. And it makes total sense and it IS normal, given what you grew up with."
"I'm NOT saying this person IS bipolar, I don't know them and it'd be irresponsible for me to diagnose them based on third-party limited information."
"I'm saying that the rapid-fire, pressured speech of the call, the sudden grandiosity, the rage due to imagined slight, to someone they barely know - this person was genuinely exhibiting bipolar symptoms, at least temporarily - but you didn't even realize that until I listed them out just now, did you?😂
Me: "Oh my God ... you're right, I didn't! I mean, I knew she reminded me of my mother and my ex, but figured that was MY problem."
Intake Coordinator:"See? You've done great work on yourself, how you can cope and respond better, but you're still pathologizing yourself, still focused on what doing wrong, rather than what you're doing right and validating your own perception that someone really IS acting unwell."
"And I'm NOT villainizing people with bipolar disorder, we treat them every day. When they accept their diagnosis and treatment and stay on their meds, they are some of the loveliest people I know."
"But it also depends on their codiagnoses. And we know that untreated/inadequately treated bipolars can be extremely challenging. In fact, when they're in mania, good luck trying to convince them they're sick, because they feel great."
"Many are hyperfunctional when manic, but unfortunately, people have the misconception that truly mentally ill people can't function, without realizing that with bipolar disorder, hyperfunctionality, lots of energy and being overly upbeat is a symptom of the disorder, mania. It's only when they drop into depression they can't function."
"And the longer they go untreated or inadequately treated or n denial, the better they become at how to hide it and and who from. "
Me:"Interestingly, once my mom was more open to treatment and went on appropriate meds, after a total psychotic break 14 years ago - she's like a different person. Well, we still see shades of it, plus she has the other disorders, but overall, like a different person. She was hospitalized before, but we blamed my dad, who really was abusive. But there was no one at all around this time to blame."
"So on that note, how do you know I'M not the bipolar in the room and hiding it?" 😂
Intake Coordinator:"LOL! Good point - you could be, but I highly doubt it."
"First of all, if you were bipolar and hiding it, you wouldn't be asking and drawing my attention to it! 😂."
"Secondly, successfully treated bipolars know they're bipolar. Untreated or inadequately treated bipolars blame everybody else - they don't call me up insisting there's something wrong with them that wasn't caught earlier that was missed in therapy! 😂"
"You're saying 'this has happened before - what's wrong with me?!?' - that's completely different than blaming other people. "
"Everything you've said is consistent with PTSD, but I don't know you well. Have you ever been evaluated yourself for bipolar disorder, since there's a genetic component?"
Me: Yep, 4 times - because at the time, I was convinced I was the problem. Once I even checked myself into a hospital for 3 days, just to have them give me a battery of tests to find out"
Intake Coordinator:"Yeah? How'd that go?"
Me: "The end result was compound PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, depressive disorder,and social anxiety.Apparently, I somehow missed the bipolar gene. Got the anxiety, though."
Intake Coordinator:"With 2 long-term therapists since telling you the same - but you still don't believe anyone else - why?
"Because your now certified bipolar-with-psychotic-features, personality-disordered mother said so?"
"So what, she was once briefly a psychiatric nurse? There are a lot of nuts in this field, too. It's a good place to hide."
"She was also an untreated bipolar with psychotic features in denial, desperately trying to hide it - so desperate, she manipulated others into helping gaslight her own daughter, to validate herself."
Me: "Lol, good point. Okay, so ... it feels like people with similar issues to my mom and dad both sniff me out, is that crazy? I mean, I realized in therapy I was drawn to those personalities, but I thought I kicked that through therapy and don't have anyone like that in my life anymore - so why is this happening again?"
Intake Coordinator:"LOL, no, and in a way, you're not wrong."
"It's kinda like the child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic in denial can sniff each other out more quickly than other people, same concept. Even if you try not to let on or avoid them, they know you know. And don't forget your hypervigilance from PTSD. Your instincts were probably already flaring, but you dismissed them, didn't you?"
"Maybe they sense damaged boundaries and try to work you. Or maybe they know you know or are afraid you know"
"What you have to learn are specific skills that you can do not to overreact to it, when you run across a person like this, because there are 5.7 million bipolars in this country, and that's just the ones we know of who who finally accept treatment, let alone people misdiagnosed as depression or anxiety. You can't run away from them all."
Me:"Yeah, when I think about it hindsight, I did get a weird vibe from her a few times, but dismissed it. Because in times past, I have overreacted and then looked like the crazy one lol."
Intake Coordinator:"Yeah, but the difference is, you feel remorse and embarrassment - they don't - at least until an episode is over or they are on treatment if bipolar - but if there are codiagnoses there, they may never feel remorse and continue to justify it, because they can't see situations clearly."
"Most of the time, with people with just bipolar disorder ONLY - not with any dual diagnoses or multiple diagnoses to include substance-use disorder - it isn't as personal as it feels. even if they try to convince you it is.."
"The goal isn't actually to scare you or hurt you - they're just desperate. Desperately trying to avoid anyone else finding out about their behavior."
"So they project, deflect, gaslight and manipulate, to include others into helping them do it, to validate themselves.
It sounds "evil," but it's actually not, there's empathy in there for others - they're just desperate, in their minds, in survival mode."
"So what ya gotta do is realize that, own what's yours, and leave the rest on them and set a boundary that you understand how they feel, but how they are acting on it is unacceptable. Trust yourself - your perception is actually really good, because your mother was, in fact, bipolar with psychotic features, and she knew it - she just wanted you to doubt it."
"So, you ready to get back into therapy and work on that?"
"PTSD sometimes needs maintenance visits, and that's okay, it doesn't make you weak or crazy or "the one with the problem" - it makes you wounded and someone just intentionally poked a stick in an old scar. Life is hard, especially right now, and especially for people with PTSD."
"Sounds like you were doing pretty well until this, coping well overall, so it should take just a few visits focused on this particular subject."
Girl, yes, please! Sign me up, ASAP? 😂
Oh. My. God, that's amazing she knew that.
In fact, it was so helpful, that for the first time in my life, though initially shaking, I kept my butt right in my seat in this situation rather than running away immediately, and I moved past and through it and moved on.
I wish someone had said those words to me when I was young teenager, would've saved me a lot heartache, but better late than never, I guess.
Considering the PTSD fight-or-flight place I was in, since that bizarre phone call from someone I barely know, on Friday, I had put off reading my annual work evaluation that was emailed later Friday afternoon, because I just didn't want even the potential of any more bad news, from anyone, anywhere.
I had felt nailed to the wall by that person in that phone call, when I already nail myself to the wall, daily. I have enough harsh, cruel judges of myself in my head, I don't need any more.
Truth be told, I was starting to get depressed, plagued with self-doubt, like ...
"What the hell is wrong with me? This is not the first time this has happened, I am the common denominator so I am the problem" was on repeat in my head.
However - my mouth fell open again - but this time, in a good way.
Because it was glowing.
I'm away from my work computer, right now, so I'll summarize and won't get it verbatim, but it the gist was:
1) I consistently exceeded expectations on both quality and productivity.
2.) I learned exceptionally fast, onboarding (completed training) in record time.
3.) I responded to trying situations with positivity and quick solutions.
4) I consistently approached the entire staff, both supervisors and colleagues, with positivity and encouragement - always ready to help and uplift others.
I immediately cried - in a good way.
In fact, I'm STILL crying over it.
I couldn't have read it at a better time.
Because at that moment, it felt like ... mercy. 🥲
Mercy is something I've extended to others many times, but rarely received; in fact, it happens so infrequently, it's almost foreign to me.
In fact, it's so rare an occurrence, that at that particular time especially, it felt like ... God himself.
So foreign to me that words cannot express how touched and grateful I truly am for this, so I won't even try, other than to just say ...
According to the NYT, the FDA has been very clear that no one under 65 that does not have an underlying health condition will be eligible for the booster - even if you live with someone with an underlying condition.
The FDA did not specify what those conditions are.
The CDC advisory board could override this decision in practice and typically release their guidelines the same day as FDA approval.
However, in this case, with the shake-up at the CDC yesterday, it may be some time before we see those guidelines.
The NYT claims that if you want the shot, not to go to a pharmacy - they operate under very strict federal guidelines.
It's better to try a doctor's office - as they often prescribe medications "off label." However, keep in mind that if they do this, your insurance may or may not cover it.
Whether they will prescribe it for you is at their discretion - some will fear legal retaliation if they do.
Thus, barring doctors getting together and suing the federal government for access, our only choice currently is that your doctor is either willing to prescribe the vaccine "off label" - OR gives you a diagnosis that can be considered an "underlying health condition" - and since the FDA label did not specify which conditions these are, it's fair game.
Keep in mind, however, if your doctor does the latter, diagnoses you with an "underlying illness" because the FDA label was so vague, that diagnosis will stay on all your electronic medical records for all your providers to assess when treating you.
It is a shame that we don't even have a choice whether or not to get vaccinated now.
What's also a shame is RFK Jr. tarnishing his father and uncle's legacy.
Because he has absolutely no education OR experience whatsoever in medicine or science - he was an environmental attorney.
With much on the line, putting wholly unqualified people in high-ranking government positions they have zero experience in out of cronyism/loyalty IS going to cause a train wreck.
It's not a question of if, but when.
_______________________
PS -
If you've been reading the bombshells in the Lexington Herald Leader, this week, you know that what's going on at Fayette County Public Schools is a prime example of unqualified cronyism/loyalty rewards and corruption run amuck finally resulting in train wreck.
There is a budget crisis and the sh*t is hitting the fan publicly.
My husband, as well as most of my neighbors, work for FCPS. They have known since the new superintendent took over after Manny died that buddies were getting hired in at high pay despite being unqualified, along with other strange perks and bonuses, and that this has been going on, but have been afraid to whistleblow.
(In fact, my husband took a pay cut and switched departments to try to avoid it.)
And the person who did try to whistleblow about unusual spending entries and "perks" for certain people - the actual budget director - was placed on leave - and is suing FCPS.
See?
Not a question of IF there will be a train wreck because of placing unqualified buddies into high-level positions for rewards out of loyalty, but when.
It was almost overshadowed by the Minneapolis shootings (as perhaps it should be), but this is also a huge story that we really should be watching/care about.
Again, just to catch you up, the FDA approved the new COVID booster, but only for people over 65 or with underlying health conditions.
However - the CDC has the authority to broaden the FDA's restrictive label in practice through their guidelines - thus the reason for the big shakeup at the CDC today.
Because RFK Jr. demanded the advisory board follow suit with the new FDA label in their guidelines or else quit or be fired, so 3 advisory board members quit.
Then, though the CDC announced the new CDC Director, Susan Monarez, had "departed" as well, her lawyers are now saying she refused to quit!
Reminder - RFK Jr. has absolutely no background in medicine, science or healthcare whatsoever. He was an environmental attorney.
Now - though I respect the stand she's taking, let's hold our applause - because remember, Susan Monarez is Trump appointed, as well as that she is the first CDC director since the 1950s to NOT be an actual MD (Medical Doctor).
I suspect what she's doing is letting Trump make the call between them, choosing between herself and RFK Jr. on the vaccine issue.
The Surgeon General - Navy Nurse, Denise Hinton, who authorized the emergency release and government reimbursement of the vaccines in 2020 - should back her up, IF requested.
And yet that may not make a difference, because Trump always goes with who can garner/has garnered him the most support - which would be RFK Jr.
Which means, they will fire her - and the surgeon general, too, if she backs her up - and when they do, they will find some unqualified quacks to replace them, who will agree with RFK's unscientific, reckless, socially irresponsible antivax nonsense.
If that's the case, I hope that Monarez, the Surgeon General, and actual MDs from academia AND the community file a lawsuit against the federal government over access to vaccines.
So what these doctors and scientists do before launching a drug or approving a drug is weigh the benefits versus the risks - because no drug on the market, including over-the-counter medications, is 100% safe - they have all had uncommon or rare adverse events, even aspirin and Tylenol.
In the case of the COVID vaccines, the benefits far outweighed the risks - by a long, long way.
Also, though many have tried, there is zero evidence to support that vaccines cause autism, and in fact, nonvaccinated children have autism too.
So doctors should win - but considering Trump-appointed judges have been going along with Trump over politics and loyalty, rather than truth, fact OR what constitutional, federal and state law actually says, who knows?
But at present, it's not looking good - we may no longer even have a choice to get vaccinated or not - the government says not unless we're over 65 or have underlying health conditions.
Again - what happened to all the whining about big government and freedom of speech and choice, Trumpers?
I guess y'all only meant it when it's something important to you.
Ya know, the really, really important, unselfish, noble stuff, like...
- The right to refuse to wear a mask at work or your doctor's waiting room during a deadly virus outbreak.
- The right to be a rude, loud-mouthed, racist, bigoted a-hole without consequence, playing the victim if someone calls you on it.
- The right to own semi-automatic rifles, so you can shoot as many people as possible within 30 seconds.
- The right not to have a person born biologically male who identifies as female, on your female swim team.
You know, really, REALLY important shit like that.
*sarcasm*
😂
Meanwhile, still sick, here.
Gonna take my 2nd COVID test tomorrow, now that the fever is going up instead of down, because I know that sometimes the first test is negative. If this isn't COVID, it's similar - maybe flu?
Regardless, night night!
________________________
8/28/2025
Yep, Trump fired her.
Interestingly, the Surgeon General, Denise Hinton - who emergency released the vaccine in 2020 - did not weigh in (likely she was not asked and did not want to overstep her bounds.)
The guidelines have not been updated yet at the CDC website, but expect they will be soon, to reflect RFK's wishes, matching exactly the FDA's restrictions - only people over 65 unless you have an underlying health condition.
Unless doctors and/or states step in and sue the federal government to at least give us a choice, I honestly do not know what we're going to do.
Because COVID mutates and evolves so quickly, in a year or so, we'll be right back in pandemic mode or close to it.
I asked my pharmacist yesterday if we could get the old boosters then, but he said they don't have but 4 or 5 doses left and once they're gone, they're gone.
... allegedly over RFK's appointees to the CDC vaccine advisory panel. It's unclear whether she left or was fired.
That is not a good sign.
Hey, I thought when I woke back up from my fever dream, this afternoon, everything would be back to normal again? 😂😉
Welp, there goes Plan B for healthy adults under age 65 getting the new COVID booster vaccine.
Because as mentioned in the update to the first post, my pharmacist said though the FDA label may restrict the vaccine to only healthy adults over 65, the CDC advisory board can override that in their guidelines, so they'll go with that.
However, the CDC Director has just quit (?) over antivaxxer RFK appointees on placed on the advisory board.
So ... I don't think there's a Plan C.
The only Plan C that I can think of is that the doctors get together and file a class action suit against the federal government to get people vaccines.
Either that or doctors start making up false diagnoses for people so that they can get them, which I don't think, or hope, they won't have to do.
Also, Mark just texted me people at work are saying they're doing this to stockpile it for themselves.
*Sigh.*
People?
Now, look - I'm scared about this, too, but let's not join Trumpers in their penchant for wild government conspiracies without proof, that don't even make any sense, shall we?
You fight erroneous belief with fact - not more conspiracy.
RFK Jr really is a fervent antivaxxer and has been since long before COVID or Trump. He added other antivaxxers to the FDA advisory board and the CDC advisory board as well.
These antivaxxer nuts really do believe vaccines cause everything from autism to government "genetic engineering" by Democrats trying to "destroy from within" to "alter their DNA" to be Democrat or gay, these beliefs run the whole crazy spectrum 😂
Therefore, it doesn't make sense that they'd be stockpiling something for themselves that they genuinely consider "poison," now, does it?
Though I wouldn't put anything crazy or selfish past this administration, it's because of that very long antivax history that predates COVID that in this particular case, I think Occam's razor applies - the simplest and most obvious answer is the right one.
The reason these antivax nuts fit in so well with Trumpers well is because they are alike on this aspect - they distrust anything or anyone new and different from themselves and what they already believe.
It's not that I have full faith in pharma, either, being corporate giants, - it's just because of the pharmacy marketing contract work I was doing at that time, I know that Pfizer and Moderna were so sure the mRNA vaccines were just as safe and effective as any other drug on the market, actually safer - they were among the first people to get COVID vaccines themselves to prove it.
So the only things that are going to "destroy us from within" are being unvaccinated against a quickly mutating, deadly virus, as well as putting U.S. Troops in U.S. Cities to play judge, jury, and executioner!
